Surrounded by Idiots: A Silent Storm AAR

[Hottentot]

OK, you miserable junkies, here's your daily fix again.

No idea how long Imgur is going to work for me this time, but let's hope for the best. Not counting these bugs, it's an awesome service.

------


As might be expected from this group, "a more detailed escape plan" in practise means "every man for himself". No one even pretends to listen to me this time, and my words fade into the noise of Ahmad's master key opening us a new escape route.





Klaus gets hit by a bullet flying through the door, panics and scrambles to the second floor. He is closely followed by bandage waving Dani and Pälli who just seems to need someone to follow...





The latter manages to be surprisingly effective this time. Hearing noises from the room next to them, he throws a grenade in there and judging by the screams it sounds like he hit something too.





Meanwhile Klaus gets back on his feet and looks menacing. I yell him not to fire a single shot. Otherwise the scared enemies might figure out that the gun pointing out of the window is just for show and attack us again.





Ahmad and Holly keep clearing the first floor. They have no qualms of shooting this weirdly dressed fellow who has decided that the most effective way of attacking is backwards.





Aha! I knew it! What would a dramatic trap be without a cutscene of the bad guy getting informed of his completely ruined masterplan...





...And then ordering the preparation of his super secret escape plan B. However, Colonel Koch fails to take one angle into consideration.





That making dramatic plans with your dead second in command is more healthy to do in a room in which the said second in command didn't die just two seconds ago.





The front door finally gives in. But I also have good angle on the approaching enemy soldiers from there. Time to prepare all the one liners I can remember.





Since I have to reload every now and then plus remember a whole lot of "good news and bad news" jokes for the hordes that keep pouring in, I have Ahmad suppress them for a moment.





It would be more reassuring if the dolt didn't destroy half of the wall too while he is at it. I may want to live in this house once I become a celebrity, you know.





And there he goes vandalizing more of my possible future property! Ahmad hears some sounds from outside, and he doesn't let a mere brick wall stand in the way of his divine rage.





Meanwhile this idiot's annual quota of sane moments has been filled and he has been hypnotized a gramophone stuck to playing some .





His musical euphoria is suddenly disturbed by someone climbing up the stairs.





Pälli expresses his rather explosive opinion on someone disturbing his rare cultural moment.





Based on the stuff falling down the stairs, I'd say culture won this round.





Holly is already busy looting all the chests in the house and manages to take out a few guards in process too.





Meanwhile I'm tired of Ahmad not letting anyone even near the door when I'm loaded to brim with cliches. And mind you, far better ones than that Koch fool. I mean, come on. "Escape capsule"! Where in the world he would fit an...





Escape...capsule...

Oh...

[Hottentot]

Ahmad wants to have a better look at it, so he decides to go to the third floor. The doors on the bridge happen to be locked however...





So Ahmad makes his own stairs instead.





A less than bright sniper comes to see how a giant hole suddenly appeared on the floor.





He understands it first hand as Ahmad decides the hole is still not big enough for him to drag his arse through it.





Figuring he can get an even better view from the room across, Ahmed tries to move inside, but an invisible force is blocking his way. Ahmad is sure he hears someone laughing and senses a finger pointed towards him, but can't for the life of him figure where the source of the noise could be.





Until suddenly he takes a step forward and gets in a close contact with the enemy. Oh yes. So veeery close contact.





And Ahmad just happens to have a very stern opinions on close contact between two single men. Not that it stops him from first sticking his machinegun to...well, you know...before firing and subsequently causing a terrible mess.





Still feeling dirty and not just because of being covered by the deceased enemy's intestines, Ahmad wants to escape the evil situation by making another hole to the roof and climbing to the next floor.





He may be happier not knowing he almost had Koch's personal fantasy buddy fall on his head. No, better not tell him and just leave the corpse where it is.





I'm having enough of this weirdo house. It's time to leave, and I'm going to do it with style. Finding keys to Koch's car, I tell Pälli to drag good old Colonel to its trunk, so we can take him to some peaceful place for interrogation.





Whut? Where is he going? I clearly told him to take the Colonel to the...





..."machine"...

No! Don't go there! Stop! No! Bad Pälli! No treat for you!




Quick! Someone stop that imbecile!





No! Don't climb those ladders! Stay away from the cockpit! Did you hear me! Don't go there! Don't touch that button! Don't...

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 12: WINTER WONDERLAND



Ow, my spleen...





Is everyone alright? More to the point, is everyone alright enough to beat the crap out of that Manchester grunt?!





Where are we anyway? All I see is a whole lot of snow and a huge...





House...


Oh darn...





Hey, where is Pälli?





[Beeb]





Okay, no time to come up with a plan! Follow me! The first one to catch that idiot and hurt him in a painful way gets a bonus!





Mölli wastes no time with alerting every single Ivan of our presence here. As if crashing a scifi looking jet fighter to the ground wasn't enough.





Klaus finds a decent spot to scare off a few who come looking for us by the road.





Dani, on the other hand, makes an effort to catch up with Pälli and give him an overdose of morphine.





However, she underestimates his clever nature, much like you can get every now and then surprised by a frenzying orangutan if you're not careful enough.





Instead she gets into a firefight with some of the Soviet reinforcements.





Meanwhile the said orangutan demonstrates why you shouldn't give guns to chimps.





Because while it may occasionally appear effective with it...





...Deep inside...





...It's still a chimp. Well, at least that should keep it down until we can dig it out of the rubble.





One can hope, right?

[Hottentot]

Holly, Ahmad and I try stopping Pälli from escaping through the front door. To my surprise we ambush one of those weirdly dressed black mask fellows we saw at the manor. What are they doing here?





No matter. A short burts from my silenced gun ensures we stay unnoticed.





That is, until Ahmad spots another one and uses his very non silenced gun on the new target.





Some good news too. Pälli ran out of ammo. Not that it stops him, but he has a much smaller chance of maiming any of us with stray bullets.





It appears, though, that I didn't take his grenades into account when saying that.





Even the snowmen are not safe from his wrath. Pälli says he didn't like its red nose.





But that's where we finally catch him. When told nicely, he agrees to put that grenade away. That's the good news.





The bad is that he used a few of them before we found him. We'd better get out of here and see if we can lift a ride back to Europe before someone follows the sound of explosions and endless expletitives.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 13: COLD COMFORT




After walking for a while we find a huge warehouse that seems to be abandoned. Seeing how quickly the night is approaching around here and it's the only shelter we have, we decide to get in. Maybe I can find a nice supervisor's office with Holly and Dani and...





...Aaaand, it appears the warehouse isn't abandoned at all. Okay, relax. We don't have to fight here. They haven't noticed us. Let's just slip back outside and...





Crap.





Okay, crew, change of plans: grab some freaking cover!





Ahmad doesn't care about cover. Climbing on the top of a box pile, he shoots the first burst towards any shapes moving in the shadows. Unfortunately there were some not so moving, explosive shapes in the path of his bullets.





Pälli has again ran his merry way and approaches the snipers on the catwalk from below. But instead of shooting them...





...He decides the right course of action is to blow up a huge pile of barrels from under them.





Of course, that makes him the favorite target of every single Ivan in the warehouse.





For some reason such attention seems to make him all the happier. The reds bite a grenade after another, while Pälli ignores the fact that you can almost see through him with all those new holes in his body.





I also manage to ambush two enemies who tried flanking us.





Speaking of flanking, I order Holly to hit them from the left while I keep them busy from the front. Team work, baby!





It would work better, if my team had even faint idea of loyalty and wouldn't forget their orders as soon as they see, and I quote, "Ooo, shinies!"





Ahmad does a good job destroying the railings on the catwalk while trying to hit the sniper sitting on it. With any luck that Ivan will eventually burst into hysterical laughter, fall off and die.





Dani is the only one still doing something useful here in addition to me. She catches up with Pälli and pumps him so full of medicine that the dolt throws down his gun, mutters he loves everyone and passes out.

[Hottentot]

I can't believe it! Klaus has spotted two enemies charging from the second floor. But he has a little problem: he only has one bullet left.





I wonder how will he...





...Oh...





I see.





For the record dimwit: it's difficult to search the second floor when you blow half of the stairs to kingdom come!





Okay, no panic. There must be another way up. There always is. It's as if these places were designed to be accidentally destroyed by pimple faced losers with the IQ of a lima bean.





See? What did I tell you? A conveniently placed ladder!





Though very inconveniently placed behind a wall. Not that it stops a great squad leader like me. Ahmad!





Thank you.





Now let's see what they are hiding in here.





Another locked door? I'd call Holly here, but I'm afraid she is still preoccupied with polishing her latest loot. So: when the door is locked...





...Use the window. And shoot everyone behind it just to be sure.





I have no idea who this guy is, but he is dressed better than any of these reds we have seen so far. So I have Ahmad pick him up if he has anything useful.





The good news don't end there! From the office's balcony I spot a railway car down below. It seems to be lacking a locomotive, though, but that shoudn't be a problem. We'll sleep over night and once Pälli wakes up we can harness him in front of it and have him pull us back home.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 14: SANTA'S WORKSHOP





Well. So much for my great plan. No matter how much I whipped him, Pälli could only drag us for a few hundred kilometers before passing out every few seconds. We need to come up with something more suitable for our trip back home, so we disembark and continue on foot.





Following a whistling sound, we find this huge fortrtess that doesn't look like it's accepting visitors.





But it's our only chance. The whistling comes from a locomotive, and we are going to steal it or my name isn't...well, nevermind. The point is that we're going to do some good old fashion train robbery tonight.





Of course for that to succeed, certain...precautions must be taken. So this time I'm going in alone and scouting ahead without my loyal minions.





Okay, careful now. The portable shadow should keep me undetected in the night if only I move very slowly and cautiously.





Figuring the best way to approach is from right flank, I make my way behind these barracks...





And approach a cliff, which I can probably climb. So far so good.





Oops, there appears to be a sniper in the tower. Perhaps he is as blind as Klaus? Okay, no panic...





What the bloody biscuit, was that a shot?! Okay, panic!





Seeing I'm detected, I make a run for it. With every step I'm already writing a strongly worded letter to the High Command. Whose bright idea was it to have me sneak around snowy hills dressing bright green?!





Whew. He may have better perception than his one eyed colleague, but that fortunately didn't make him any better shot. I think I lost him.





Back to the mission: I approach the locomotive quietly and hear some weird clanking sounds near it. Must be its guards banging their guns to something. Okay, they may have heard the sniper taking a few shots at me, but I'm sure that if I act quickly I can still...





Uh, ambush and drop them...before they can...make...a...

W...T...F...ARE...THOSE...THINGS?!!





It's either the cold or irrational fear that makes me freeze on my spot. Either way, I'm forced to observe those walking tuna cans for a while and see one of them finally going away. The other still remains where it was, and I don't suppose my gun can dent it.





Alright, Plan B. If I can't kill it, then I can sneak closer and...





RUN LIKE A PANIC STRICKEN BUNNY, HOPING IT DIDN'T SEE ME!!!





Crap! It saw me! I can hear it clanking behind me! Keep running!





Whew. Good thing those things are slow. I think it didn't see me hiding in here. But now there are more sounds coming from the right side of the train car...





Alright, it's just some geek wearing a...gas mask, I think? Either way, a bullet in the face should be enough to take care of this new threat. No panic.





Shoot! Another one of those! Did it see that geek falling?

[Hottentot]

I think it did. But maybe it's too dumb to search me from this side of the pillar?





Oooor then not? Well, whenever a cunning master plan goes wrong...





...Run away until you can come up with a new one!





Just what is this place anyway? A secret geek convention?!





I can't take on all those weirdos! These ladders are my only hope! Those animated trash cans can't climb!





However, I'm afraid the geeks can. I can't decide what's more depressing! The fact that I'm about to die here or that it's about to happen in the hands gas mask wearing nerds like whom I used to bully at school when I was 10! Payback really is a b...





Up? Inside? Up? Inside? No time to waste! Inside!





What? Another one of those? Do they breed somewhere in here?!


Actually, nevermind. I really don't want to know.





Terribly sorry, but I'm really in the middle of something here. I'm sure running for my life counts.





Alright, safe for a while. Bolt the door and hope they'll have to think for a minute where I went. Now let's see what this place is all about meanwhile.





Panzerklein? Not only they look like some Japanese kid's math class drawing, they even have an utterly dumb name too.


Germany, you say? Hey! I'm the squad leader of the super secret service here! Why didn't anyone tell me about this?! Someone has a lot to answer for when I get back home! If I get back home...





Not to be a pessimist, but I think they somehow located me. Throwing a coin probably did it...





However, this time I'm prepared! Take that, you sick fetishist!





Another one bites the dust. But the third one stubbornly refuses to run into my line of firing. So I guess I need to...





...Go there myself and...


Okay, I know I'm repeating myself, but I just have to ask: W...T...F...IS...THAT...THING?!!





It's either a secret super weapon or a giant green-black phallic object. Either way, I decide to take it and see if I can locate a trigger somewhere in it. And in case I do, I'll shoot the first person who intentionally misunderstood the last part.

[Hottentot]

There might be more nerds on my tail, so I decide to take another door out.





However, I fail to take into account that those geeks might have a backdoor too. Or a back hatch, as the case happens to be.





I take out a few of them on the roof...





And the rest get what they deserve in the corridors. Time to move on.





If the nerds can go up the ladders, then I can go down the ladders. And seeing the surprised look on that guard's face, it seems they didn't expect that.





However, there is still the question of those things...





But this time I'm prepared! Take that!





The downside of super secret phallic looking weapons is that they make a lot of noise. Hearing more footsteps from nearby, I hide in this small storeroom...





...And hope for a miracle as another one of those trash bins comes looking for me.





I said miracle, not a plight! Hearing the sounds of the battle, my squad decides to rush into the fight without my orders. Or any other sort of order for that matter.





Klaus fires the first shots at some of the perimeter's outer guards, skillfully ruining my plan to make this look like a small scale infiltration operation instead of a full scale assault.





Meanwhile I'm still stuck in the storeroom, and there never is a backdoor exit when you need one. My only hope is that the visibility from those machines is really bad...





...Or that my bunch of self-destructive fools can save me. No pressure, huh?





Juggling between the two entrances to the store room, my salvation is that the stupid machine can't decide which one it prefers for blowing me to smithereens.





The bumbling fools I call my squad advance quickly and overpower the guards on the hill by zigzagging randomly closer and closer to their positions.





Meanwhile I try disguising as a box and hope it buys me a few more seconds to curse those idiots...





Can't they be any slower in getting here? I can literally hear my death approaching, damn it!





Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Every fool who isn't wearing 10 inches of armor gets acquintanced with my gun.





Outside one of those snipers in the guard towers, on the other hand...





...Learns that wearing a few inches of wood around you is no good when it also happens to provide a huge target for a trigger happy machinegunner on the ground.

[Hottentot]

Okay, this it it. I'm surrounded. No escape! Game over man! Game over!





Well, I'm not going to die without looking cool at least while doing it! Catch me if you can, stupid tin man!





Near the barracks Pälli meets another one of those walking tanks. Being too dumb to know fear, he simply takes his biggest grenade and lobs it towards the thing.





It...it worked? Why didn't I think of that?


Uh...I mean...good job, Pälli! See, listening to my instructions is for your own good!


However, I don't like the way he looks at that disabled panzerklein. Surely he isn't thinking to...





Well sure, what did you expect after a question like that?





Ahmad drops the other sniper the same way as the first one. Literally.





I, on the other hand, manage to evade the laser beams whistling by and meet up with Dani. I wish she would just take the damn gun and stop with the double entendres already!





Pälli is doing with his new toy the only thing he can imagine: randombly shooting things and seeing what happens.





This time it works surprisingly well. He covers Holly enough for her to man, err, woman, that other tin can.





And it doesn't take her a long time to figure out what should be done with it.





And as for us at the door, now that the tables have been turned...





Boo, motherlover!





Dani and Ahmad finish off the white one that has been hounding me. Seeing their apparent leader fall, the rest of the geeks run away. But then the loudspeakers come to life...





Destroy the facility? Destroy it?!





Waaaay ahead of you, pal. Now lug your arses to the train double time, crew! We are finally out of here!