Surrounded by Idiots: A Silent Storm AAR

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 5: STRAY BULLETS (PLUS GRENADES) AND YOU



The Brits may have a horrible taste for house decoration and no idea how to cook a proper breakfast, but I have to admit that they know how to set up a nice looking laboratory. It's almost shame to know what it's going to look like after our visit.





Okay, gang, smile to the camera. No, idiots, that way! Look that way!





Klaus and I scout ahead. It seems the main entrance is guarded. A few well placed shots should take care of that, however. Then we can use the front gate as a choke point for anyone who comes to investigate from inside the perimeter.





While I'm instructing Klaus on how not to be completely ineffective this time, the attention span of the rest runs out. They start scouting the perimeter on their own.





Pälli draws the short straw and crosses the wall first. Why he decided to do it in the most obviously guarded point is beyond me.





Meanwhile Klaus takes a shot and not surprisingly he misses the target by a mile. I should perhaps next time also teach him how to use the magnificent technical innovation on his rifle called "scope".





The bypassing bullet still manages to startle the guard enough for Mölli to run around the corner undetected and put a few additional holes in him.





Meanwhile the rest are still crossing the wall. Dani introduces to the Brit her new best friend, the semi-automatic rifle.





Meanwhile Ahmad has deduced that our biggest threat in this mission must be the manor building and has decided to hit it hard from the rear flank.





A window is the first one to feel his divinely inspired wrath. Oh yes, and the British soldier behind it.





Holly tries moving inside the house from this big hole which, weirdly enough, wasn't made by us. But she quickly finds it's covered by two Brits with rifles.





Hearing screams I charge to rescue my fair damsel in distress. And hope there is something that I can save her from left when I arrive.





Oh yeah! Take that! Hey! You! Look at me when I'm killing you! It'll make me look more heroic and stuff! Hey! Moron! What are you staring at?





Holy cow, a German soldier! One of ours! Cease fire! Cease fire!





Pälli! Did you hear me?! Cease...





...fire...





I want it on the record that this is not my fault and I'm just protecting myself by killing the sole surviving witness of what just happened.

[Hottentot]

Meanwhile Klaus is still dutifully covering the front door. While I admire his dedication, I'm afraid that with such single minded attitude he might fail to spot something else.





LIKE A BLEEDING SQUAD OF BRITS STANDING NEXT TO HIM!!!





Panic stricken Klaus throws a light grenade at them, but it only seems to make them more angry.





So he sees it's time for a tactical relocation.





Not that he deserves it after such screw up, but I'll have to cover him. I don't want to write a debriefing report that would make me look like a dimwit for hiring a half blind munchkin for a sniper.





The Brits fortunately are not much better shots than he is, so Klaus manages to escape behind the wall.





Their wits are not their sharpest tools either, so they decide to charge after him through the front gate.





Exactly where I want them.





One semi intelligent individual tries to think with his own brain and peeks over the wall from where Klaus disappeared.





However, he failed to take into account that Klaus might still be there.





OK, I suppose we are safe for a while. Time to check the upstairs for any important documents they might be storing here.





Blahblahblahyadayadayada...huh? Rocket fuel? Funny. I'm not aware of any...





Rocket...fuel...?


No...





Nononono!





[...]





Is it too late to join the regular army and go to Stalingrad?





On the plus side, the explosion knocked out a whole bunch of people and one of them looks like a scientist. Let's bugger off and see if we can wake him up.





Of course, after the mission I need to write a phony report of the Britons trying to disguise as Germans and us disposing of them.





For destroying important historical property, completely ignoring the rules of engagement and generally acting like a jackass, Pälli gets awarded an Iron Cross.





The scientist, however, turns out to be more helpful and points us forward: towards the house of a double agent that apparently has suffered a serious malfunction.

[Falkirion]

Ah love the No no no line. Reminds me of TFS Dragon Ball Z abridged.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 6: LATE APPOINTMENT


Time to pay this double agent, Major Newhouse, a visit and ask for an explanation. Hopefully without killing him.





Hmm, another stylish old English manor house then? And just one big gate to enter? Looks fairly straight forward to me.





Okay, gang: let's try not to demolish this place completely this time, okay?





Sigh, who am I fooling? The best thing I can do for now is to scout ahead. So disguising as a bush, I move closer to the front gate.





Not surprisingly, it is guarded. And I don't suppose they'll let us in just by asking for the English double agent who resides in here.





So I'll have Pälli and Holly advance along the wall, since their submachineguns can't hit anything further than ten meters away. Someone should really try Googling the historical SMG range if they ever make a sequel to my great adventures.





The ones who can (in theory) hit something across the road advance slowly to their planned positions. Like a well oiled machine...





...where one cog going berserk with a light machinegun will break the whole system.





All hell breaks loose as Holly charges and empties her clip to the general direction of the guard, who still doesn't seem to fully understand what is happening.





We manage to kill him, but now his CO is playing Waterloo with his pistol. He quickly learns why it's a bad idea.





Meanwhile Mölli manages to ambush another British officer, who tried scouting our positions by jumping over the wall.





That Brit's idea wasn't half bad. I decide to imitate him and climp on one of the gate posts to scout ahead.

[Hottentot]

It pays off. I almost instantly see two more Britons running towards the gate, no doubt trying to reinforce their already fallen comrades. Such heroic attitude is admirable, but utterly stupid.





Holly hides in the guardhouse, ready to ambush them according to my orders when they come closer.





One more has apparently just woken up and comes to see what all the ruckus is about.





I quickly order Klaus to aim at the guardhouse Holly just hid in. He shoots the Brit right in the middle of the eyes.





Those two lads and their officer are not even trying to hide as they approach. Yes! The plan is working perfectly for once! Now Holly will jump out and...





...Drop a freaking grenade at her feet? Note to self: brief the squad about blast radius before the next mission...





Dani is out of action points, so she tries to instruct Pälli on how to apply bandages to quickly bleeding Holly. Holly barely manages to avoid getting suffocated.





While that lucky bastard is playing doctor with two ladies that should be with me, Ahmad is keeping the British reinforcements at bay. It's a little disturbing that he keeps laughing while doing it...





When he finally stops for a while, I decide to flank the Brits alone. I'd rather take my chances with a squad of angry Tommies instead of taking that lunatic to watch my back.





Pälli may not be the brightes candle in the team, but even he knows how to mimic the great leader. Only he manages to go completely the wrong direction.





I manage to ambush a few of the Brits in the garden, but they just keep coming. I get hit a few times and need to fall back over the wall.





But since I know how much the Britons value politeness, I throw them a little present before scarpering.





Ah yeah, that's right, right there honey...man, I should get wounded more often if it wasn't so painful.





The Brits try following me, but Ahmad stops them Teheran style.





In retrospect, perhaps we should have just made Holly disguise as a cookie selling girl scout and ask to meet Major Newhouse?





Oh well. Collateral damage. Forward, march!

[Hottentot]

Reasoning that the front door of the manor must be still heavily guarded, I start making my way towards the backdoor.





Pälli and Ahmad decide to instead make a door of their own.





They quickly manage to hit the guards from the rear and subdue the surprised Brits easily.





I also happen to find one hiding in the corridors. The first floor seems to be clear.





So I guess I have time to take a leak. I'm sure Newhouse has more important things to worry about than that. Like replacing 99 % of his staff.





While I'm not supervising my herd, Mölli and Ahmad start looking for the wine cellar.





Meanwhile that rascal Holly is ransacking the storehouse. Good thing she has a lockpick, so she can open all those important looking chests.





Ahmad and Pälli come across a locked door and conclude neither of them has a lockpick.





So Ahmad decides to use his master key, but unfortunately forgets the first rule of shooting through the doors. That is...





Always check what's behind them. Otherwise one of the bullets could hit something...





...explosive, which might cause a serious...





Chain reaction. I hope Newhouse knows a good carpenter...





And as for me, next time I'm taking a leak in the forest!

[Hottentot]

Now is not the time to dwell on that, however. Since I peed myself anyway while falling to the cellar, it's time to start searching upstairs.





It would naturally be somewhat easier, if those two morons hadn't blown up half of the floors!





Since I have no idea how to jump, I'll have Ahmed make me a new door with his master key. If it ails, it cures as well.





Major Newhouse, I presume?





Look, after being forced to fight a war with these five dimwits, the last thing I need right now is a dose of British humor. And may I remind you, that I'm holding a loaded gun?





Newhouse is suprisingly co-operative. Perhaps due to the fact that he is the first target person we didn't turn into a walking sifter. He points us to another British agent, Corporal Stevens. Just how many treasonous SOBs there are working within the British army?!





Then there is also the case of a lost Irish cargo ship, that apparently was carrying something super important. Hmph. How many times do those U-Boat skippers need to be told to increase their periscope brightness, if they can't see the flag in night?





After the mission, Pälli gets another medal for being even more efficient at unnecessary destruction of private property than before.





We decide to go meet that Stevens soon, but have to take care of some urgent business first. Ahmad says he wants a new toy and is going to hold his breath if he won't get one. So we pay a visit to the closest toy store on the way.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 7: SIDE TRIP





Hmm, the compound seems to be pretty heavily guarded. Towers and all. This might be a little challenging.





I suppose Klaus could try hitting something from the third floor of that house, which has its attic's window left conviniently open...





Perhaps the rest of us could cover him from these houses, if the Brits come and investigate?





And once they aren't coming anymore, we could hit the warehouse from this less guarded rear entrance? Sounds like a plan, right?





What? I'm just trying to inspire confidence here.





Sigh. Whatever. The best thing I can do now is scout ahead for Klaus and make sure he won't fall in the stairs.





Pälli and Holly go their merry way to...somewhere? For an Irish and Englishman they are getting along all too well for my liking. Must be similarities in dialect...





Dani and Ahmad manage to come up with a half way decent plan on their own: they cover our rear with their long range guns.





And when I say "cover our rear", I of course mean "give our position away as soon as they see something bigger than a squirrel moving in the bushes."





Someone starts running towards the gunshots on the streets. I tell Klaus to peek through the curtains to see if it's the Brits or scared civilians.





The good news is that he found the answer. The bad news is that now the Brits found us.





Ahmad continues his frenzy, ignoring pain as well as laws of physics as he mows down the Brits one after another.





For the relief of the Brits and the common sense, he finally runs low on ammunition and bunkers down behind a hole in the wall to reload.

[Hottentot]

Meanwhile Holly and Mölli have bunkered down in a pub nearby. But as might be expected, they already have got into some argument, which ended in them killing everyone. Just another night in life...





Since the pub is out of pretzels, I manage to convince Holly to run and support Ahmad. Pälli stays inside, munching baking paper from the cupboards.





After crashing down a few times due to not seeing the steps, Klaus has finally managed to climb up the ladders and has taken a somewhat effective looking sniping post.





Ahmad and him lay down crossfire on the Britons, who stay happily oblivious to their presence and wonder why the mosquitoes have started whistling so loudly.





Klaus' shots attract the attention of some of the smarter Tommies, and it doesn't take long from them to figure out where the constant misses are coming from.





Since I'm still in the house, I start throwing grenades on their heads from the second floor and pray to any possible deity that Klaus could spot even one of them. Apparently all divine entities are on vacation at the moment, since I can't reach even their answering machine...





Holly at least is still within earshot and hears my battle cries, which most definitely do not involve the words "please someone help me I don't want to die mommy!" She leaves the Britons a little welcoming gift on the front door.





Crude but effective. I'll take it.





While Ahmad dukes it out with the two Britons who still seem to be more worried about the drizzle than the hail of bullets...





...Pälli and Dani have reached the rear gate and are ready to hit the enemy from where they won't expect it.





Of course, with even a rudimentary understanding of battlefield recoinnassance, Pälli would have found out that they were, in fact, expecting just it.





His master plan for solving the situation is to scream, run behind the gate and leave Dani to deal with the Brits. No pressure, girl.





I get Holly back on her feet after the explosion and tell her to follow me. If the Brits are guarding the rear gate, then we are going to use reverse psychology and hit them from the front.





Meanwhile Ahmad has managed to destroy the wall enough to crawl through it. I'm not going to ask him if he killed those Tommies too, or if they finally died of boredom.





One of the Brits is still alive, though, and I think Ahmad is itching to finally hit something. Too bad for the Tommy.





Pälli continues to demonstrate his knife sharp wits in the rear gate. He is trying to blend in with the Brits and hoping the troops he has encountered are from the special All Blind Division.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 9: TREES HAVE EYES (AND THEY LIKE WHAT THEY'RE SEEING TOO)



For our recent heroics, the HQ calls us back to base. They say they same something for us.





Ahmad gets a new toy he has been asking for so long. If he wasn't wearing those protective glasses all the time, I could swear I saw a tear in his eye.





There is also this nifty looking new SMG. I think Holly might like it, but before I can even suggest such, Pälli jumps to take it and hisses at anyone who comes close. I'm not going to argue with a lunatic who calls a gun "my precious."





Alright. Back to war. According to all the hints we have gathered thus far, this should be the place where someone forgot a suitcase full of super important documents. Since we have sort of started collecting them, I decide we should go fetch these ones as well.





Hmm. A batch of empty, generic forest in the middle of nowhere. Now what have we learned about those?





Yes, exactly.





The devious British ambush is unmasked, however, when Holly and Dani separate from the group to...uh...feed the bush, if you know what I mean. Hardships of being a woman don't care if there is a war going on or not.





The loud sounds of gunshots and even louder curses from Holly are the first sign that something is wrong. It's refreshing to hear her call someone else a sick pervert.





For the record, I rushed here to help them right after hearing the screams, and totally wasn't sneaking behind them with my portable shadow on.





Happily oblivious to everything, Klaus and Ahmad have decided to admire the scenery from this grassy knoll on the left.





While Pälli did hear the gunshots and is now trying to disguise as a bush.





In the middle of the scenery, one of the ambushing Britons forgets his lesson on how not to be seen.





He soon remembers its importance.





Ahmad and Klaus are taken by surprise by a patrol of two, but the Brits themselves were too busy reading a map to notice them. Klaus whips out a pistol and kills four squirrels plus one bullfinch in a record time.

[Hottentot]

Figuring there are more peeping Tommies hiding in the bushes, Holly resorts to Agent Orange -doctrine. It works.





Deprived of their leafy cover, the Brits are easy targets even for me.





Pälli is not so lucky. His heroic charge has been halted by getting reminded how much pain tends to hurt.





Klaus, on the other hand, continues exterminating the peanut munchers in the trees. A British soldier has quickly understood that, like a rabbit, he too stands the best chance of surviving by staying still and hoping he won't get noticed.





Ahmad seems to be the only even somewhat competent man here in addition to yours truly. He may hit only every tenth time, but it doesn't matter when that MG34 sprays a few hundred rounds per in the general direction of the enemy.





Pälli finally manages to continue his heroic charge after Ahmad by pure luck happens to hit the Brit that was keeping him down.





He stumbles into another one and returns each one of his majesty's lost bullets back to the Kingdom's loyal servant. One at a time.





That naturally makes him the favorite target of every Brit within a mile. Finally he is doing exactly what he knows best!





Klaus may not be even on the top 1000 list of reliable snipers, but he sure knows how to be incompetent in a comfortable way.





Holly and I finish the right flank together and Ahmad scares of the rest of the Brits with his berserk screaming. Time to wrap this up and see what we came here for.





Lots of jargon that doesn't involve anything we didn't already know? Typical.

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 10: X MARKS THE PLOT DEVICE



While on the way back to our extraction point, we find out half way that Dani is holding the map upside down. That's why there is a suspicious looking house in our way, and we have no time to find alternative routes. We'll just have to go through it.





Progress! This time we manage to approach the potential combat zone from somewhere else than the blasted main road in broad daylight. Now if only I knew how to turn off the glowing green edges around us, we might even try sneaking around properly for a while.





Okay, guys: it's just a little house in the middle of nowhere. We'll slip by it no problem. If the owner notices us, we'll knock him out. We are not here to kill anyone. Understood?





Change of plans. It appears that instead of a generic countryside house we have found a British outpost. I should have known from the glowing quest marker appearing on the map!





Since they haven't noticed us yet, we prepare to surprise them and kill most of them before they can get their act together. Ahmad and Dani get in position unnoticed and I keep an eye out for the enemy movement.





Klaus covers the road in case the Tommies have reinforcements...





Holly and Pälli get ready to hit them from the flank. At least they bothered to listen to me this time and are not charging around blindly.





Not that it stops them from getting noticed and then charging blindly.





Ahmad the military genius remembers from the soldier's coloring book a chapter called "distraction". He decides to create one by blowing up the Brits' truck with a panzerfaust.





You could say it worked. The Brits are now definitely paying lots of attention to us.





Another explosion rocks the ground as Mölli starts throwing around grenades to where he sees the muzzle flashes.





The Brits are barely scratched by the explosions, but the booming sound distorts them enough for Holly to nail both with two short bursts.





Since I'm probably the only one here who remembers that this is supposed to be a covert operation, I decide to turn the idiocy of my comrades to my advantage and sneak closer to the Brits. They are too busy admiring the fireworks to notice me. Or hear the shots from my silenced pistol for that matter.





I knew I lugged these grenades with me for something!





Boom! Direct hit!





Not being one to rest on my laurels, I finish off a British machinegunner with my pistol while dodging the wild bullets from Ahmad's machinegun.





Hiding behind the blown up truck I hear two more Tommies approaching.





These grenades were nearing their expiration date anyway...





But then it's time to run and hope those idiots in the bushes cover me instead of mistaking me for a Tommy.

[Hottentot]

On the flank, Mölli and Holly have come up with a plan. Even Pälli can get close enough to hit something when Holly again is providing a distraction far more efficient than randomly blowing stuff up.





Hiding in a bush, I take a moment to pose for a dramatic reloading scene. They are going to make a film of this stuff after the war is over, you know. I need to look good.





You'd think these Brits would be a little more careful approaching a place where five of their comrades have just been blown to pieces?





But if they insist, I still have one boom apple to spare.





Yeah, that was all of them. My team proved to be completely useless again, but then again, heroes always get the ladies so I'm not complaining.





Ooo, what were they hiding here? A treasure map, is it? Yarr! Avast! Shiver me timbers! We go blunder and pillage!


...Or something...





Holly takes a head start on that and tries to open this enticing chest, but being a smart girl and all, she finds it's trapped and stops to disarm the device.





Unfortunately Ahmad's English classes haven't covered the word "boobytrap" yet and he only understands the first four letters of the word.





Sigh.





Yes, I guess it was too much to ask that we'd leave this place even remotely intact. Let's go. The reconsruction crews can thank us later.





So: the extraction point can wait for a while. We'll go check the treasure map's place first. We have to. Otherwise Ahmad won't ever shut up about his bloody "candy" that he keeps repeating for the whole trip.





Hmm. A ruined house. At least we can't be blamed for destroying it, which is bonus I suppose. But I once saw in a film that ruined houses like this are perfect hiding places for snipers and such. Better be careful.





Since I'm parading around the open field singing Lili Marlene here, I must conclude the Brits are either blind, deaf, both or don't exist. I'm still not convinced, though. There is something wrong in here.





I know! I'll tell Pälli there is booze on the third floor! He charges in and...





Hmm. Fascinating.





It appears there were a few traps in the house. I wonder if Elli is alright?





No? Bah! Have Dani patch him up with some ducttape and he'll be as good as new!





Meanwhile Ahmad can go get anything useful from the now even more ruined ruins.





They went through all this trouble to hide a simple letter? What is this, some cheapskate Romeo and Juliet spin-off? Screw this!

[Hottentot]

CHAPTER 11: THE PLOT THICKENS



Bah! What a waste of my time these last few missions have been! Screw that cold, rainy island! We are going back to the continent. It's time for a holiday, and I hear Brandenburg is full of single maidens this time of the war, so...





I have barely mapped all the potential bars and restaurants in the city, when I'm suddenly interrupted by a courier. It seems someone from the brass is requesting me and my squad to meet him at his manor house at once. Finally! I'm getting a medal! And maybe I can get a squad resembling real soldiers too, if I ask really nicely!

What are we waiting for! Let's go! Someone get a wheelbarrow and bring that drunken Manchester pig along too!





Look, I know I look ridicilous. Would you believe it if I said I'm a squad leader of a super secret service and my superiors still havent granted me a permission to get rid of this stupid costume?





Yeah, I guess I wouldn't either. However, I have something I know to make every proper German tremble in fear and admiration.





BEHOLD! BUREAUCRACY!!!





It works. The guard takes us to the courtyard, where we are to meet Colonel Koch soon.





Hmm. He went inside a while ago and hasn't come back yet. Drama senses...tingling...





Holy cow! Mean looking guards in front of us!





Behind us!





Even above us! A trap!





You know...after all we've been through so far, I somehow feel I should have seen this coming.





Okay, squad: the enemy is pointing guns at us from all directions. They outnumber us gazillion to one. They have trained their sights on our heads. They are entrenched inside a castle like house with hundreds of vantage points all looking down to this courtyard we have been led into. You know what that means?





CHAAAARGE!!!!





Rule number one of hopeless situations: do something so wildly illogical that your opponent simply doesn't have any idea how to react.





Holly drops the two grunts on the main gate with a grenade...





...And we make a heroic escape, shooting our way through all the flabbergasted bad guys in the courtyard.





The closest cover seems to be this small room on the left side of the house, so we storm it, stuff everyone where ever they can fit and bolt the door behind us.





However, the door won't help us for long when the bad guys are emptying a clip after clip to it. I suppose that now, having cornered ourselves inside the house, is a good time to come up with a little more detailed escape plan.

[Hottentot]

Hello. This is Humphrey the Hamster. I'm here to inform you that there will be no regular updates until further notice. The actual news is that this time it's almost not the fault of that Hottentot dolt. Imgur ate two of his screenshots meant for the next update and there is a black hole in their place instead. Because Hottentot is too stupid to upload those two missing screenshots again and I'm too lazy to guide him in doing it all over again, there will be a pause for a while. Updates will resume once Imgur sorts itself out, which might be right after posting this or next year.

Either way, I have used this excellent excuse for beating the snot out of Hottentot and hope the mental image of him getting his arse handed to him by a hamster amuses you where the updates cannot. You are of course meanwhile welcome and invited to keep the thread up by admiring my greatness or dissing Hottentot, whatever suits you best.

Sincerely:
Humphrey H. Hamster, Super Genius