ATC quotes

[Dowly]

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he
was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the
fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

And many more:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtraf...unnyquotes.htm

[Lord_magerius]

Always a good one
We were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our larger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a short-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causing us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he said on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning horn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run, 'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you like them apples?.."

[Gargamel]

Probably all have seen this before, but it's always funny:

OK some of you have probably seen this before but hey here it is again! (best thing is, after working in the Aviation ind for a while i know how true to life some of these reports can be!!)

After every [flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems & document their repairs on the form, and

then

pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

engineers.


By the way, Qantas is the only major airlinethat has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last...


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer

S: Took hammer away from midget

[Gargamel]

Originally Posted by Dowly

And many more:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtraf...unnyquotes.htm

I lol'd at this one!

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.