2012 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports

[Gut Wrench]

2012 Subsim Fantasy Football
Asking the most important question.

Welcome back football fans, and here we are just hours away from Draft Day, on the most important football season we're seen...since last year.

It's the 2012 Subsim Fantasy Football competition, 16 weeks of grueling to and from in the race up to the coveted Torpedo Bowl. And we'll be there every yard of the way to bring you the much anticipated Monday night rewrites, and keep you up to do with all the stories around the league.

But before we get to this years draft, a word from our sponsor.

DONATE TO SUBSIM.

On with the show, and let's start with the draft and the first head banging moment of the year. In a controversial move, Commissioner McBee has taken the draft offshore to Monaco and the Hotel Del Paris.



Beautiful, opulent and abundant heavy chested French maids could not distract the media from the biggest news in Fantasy Football since the WR3 position - where is Mike?

The Commissioner announced that due to his almost unbeatable record, his constant beat down of his opponents, and the lack of donated celebratory strippers for the Commissioner, the Dragons had been excluded from this years league.

In a prepared statement, Commissioner McBee announced that the move was made in the interest of the international teams.

And somehow, Australia earned itself a second team in the league with the Tarjakistan Tarbulls. The Tarbulls will be playing all their home games at the majestic Sydney Cricket Ground (and not that other place next door.)



The introduction of the Tarbulls add to the returning international teams of the Helmand Nighthawks (London) and the Taipans (Australia).

After the payment of gratuities and some Chicago style donations, the two divisions look like this. The Sub Simmers Division consist of the Wild Boston Terriers, the Broncolo's, the Guns of Hochuli, Black Cats, Drunk Monkeys and the Tarbulls. The Surface Skimmers, based on previous result looks to be a stronger division, consisting of the Greens Beans, Reapers, Every Given Sunday, Nighthawks, Taipans and the Ghost Monkeys.

It had not gone unoticed that there were two Monkey teams in the league. When pressed at a league conference, Commissioner McBee said "There are not enough bare ass baboons in this world."

Apparently McBee has not attended some of the more "elegant" victory parties in the league.

So on the night before draft day, the biggest question we can ask is...will the 2012 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports get a nomination for this years Best of Subsim. Only you can stuff the ballot box.

So do your part, stuff the ballot box, and for the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW), we'll see you back here tomorrow night after the draft is done, and before the photos of the Monkeys parties reaches the tabloids.

[nikimcbee]

Crickey, the draft is tomorrow! Now if only I can remember to show up! Doing practice draft now.

[TarJak]

In a late change the Tarjakistan Tarballs have been renamed as the Tarjakistan Torpedoes. Might get our name reportcorrectly now.

[Gut Wrench]

The season has even started and controversy strikes the 2012 Subsim Fantasy Football Draft. Details after this short public service announcement.

DONATE TO SUBSIM.

Traffic around the Hotel De Paris was terrible on the morning of the draft. Guys speeding past in F1 cars, hot naked chicks, boats mooring, hot naked chicks and the traditional pre draft greeting by the Hooter Owlets. It's no wonder that four of the Coaches did not make the draft and had to rely on auto pick. But what an auto pick it was. The first four choices going easily it was not till it was time for the newly renamed Tarjackistan Torpedoes to choose that the first controversy of the season begun.

Commissioner McBee approached the podium and spoke to the international media "With the fifth pick of the 2012 Draft, the Tarjackistani's pick...this can't be right...the San Francisco 49ers."

Yes, the Tarjackistan Torpedoes took a Defensive unit with their first pick. As if that wasn't bad enough, with their second pick the Tarjackistan Torpedoes then selected David Akers, Kicker at the 49ers.

It looks to be a long and sorry season for the Tarjackistan Torpedoes, who with the name change, and their ::ahem::: choices, have been threatened with relocation from the Sydney Cricket Ground.

So, with the draft done and bets being waged of Mookie's first .01 loss of the season, the Associated Subsim Writers will give you their 411 based on what they saw at the draft.

THE BATTLE

Hard to pick this year, as there are a number of factors influencing this. The Subsimmers look to be the weaker division this year, with perhaps the Guns of Hochuli and the Wild Boston Terriers to fight it out. With no Dragons to oppose them, these two teams look set to go to the playoffs, even now before the first kick off. But your Torpedo Bowl Champion is not going to come from this division.

THE CHAMPIONS

This years prediction for the Torpedo Bowl Champion is to be the biggest fight you have seen, but it will come from the Surface Skimmers Division. Marginal favorites is Every Given Sunday, who in the past few years have hung around like a bad smell through to the playoffs. This year, that smell rises to the top.

SO CLOSE

5 teams in the Surface Skimemrs Division are in contention for the Torpedo Bowl. The Nighthawks, playing out of London, look good, as does the other international team - the Australian Taipans. The Taipans have already won for the second year in a row, Best Draft. The other three teams in the division - the Green Beans, Reapers and Ghost Monkeys could potentially put the entire division into the post season. They will fall short of glory as they take wins away from each other within the divisional battle.

THE OUTSIDER

For the last two years they have been the choke point on which several teams playoffs were decided. This year, the Black Cats have sharpened their claws and look ready to make a run. The Cats start the playoffs as the predicted wildcard.


THE LONG SHOT

Competing in the stronger of the two divisions, the Reapers will struggle with the wins and losses of the division, and barely make the play offs. If they can get the big numbers against the Surface Skimmers division, they will be this years long shot.


THE WTF?

We've already chronicled their draft, but it bears repeating. WTF was Tarjack doing? I know he's Australian but the other Australian almost won the entire lot last year. Tarjackistan to be the biggest waiver wire mover - and maybe, three wins.

There you have it folks, 5 predictions, one champion and a lot of heart ache over the next 16 weeks. But the best part is - none of this means anything, cause the first kick off, the first fumble, and the first touchdown has yet to be scored.

We'll be back each week in another thread, as the 2012 Subsim Fantasy Football League races towards another Torpedo Bowl in January.

For the Associated Subsim Writers, this is Gut Wrench readying for the season kick off.

[Gut Wrench]

MONKEY SPANKING
Week 1 and the slap is on.


Week One in the 2012 Subsim Fantasy Football. This edition is coming to you live from Section 105, Row H of the Oakland Coliseum, where my seat is carved with the words "Neal Stevens is no longer here". Yes, from the bowels of the Black Hole, we bring you all the highlights of suspense of the first week in the race to the Torpedo Bowl...right after this very important announcement.

DONATE TO SUBSIM.

And now back to the less important stuff.

Mark it down right now folks, week 1 has upset the apple cart with a couple of upsets, a thriller, and the question of "how high can an Australian go?" Not very far if you're the Tarjackistan Torpedos.

The Torpedoes played away in their very first game of the Subsim Fantasy League, and after much ::cough::: conjecture about their picks in the draft. Trajack showed he meant business with QB Michael Vick rolling into town to meet the Broncolo's. With his second round pick of David Akers (a kicker) Tarjack showed he has some fight in him as he stacked an impressive first game appearance. The Broncolos though, with QB Drew Brees and TE Rob Gronkowski were having no part of the Tarjack debut putting up a comfortable lead and then controlling it. Final score, Broncolo's 101 - Torpedos 82.

And now down to the monkey business.

All eyes were on the red hot diggety dog favorites, the Wild Boston Terriers, to put a spanking move on the Drunk Monkeys. McBee, resplendent in team colors of purple and orange, drove into town with Matthew Stafford (QB) and Andrew Johnston (WR) leading the attack. After arriving late at half time and the Monkeys already 64 points in front, the Terriers put on a turn to chase the Monkeys down. It was not to be as Gargamel puts the bite on the Terriers 129 - 96.

The thriller, and every week has at least one that needs yet another Monday night rewrite (especially when there are two games on opposite sides of the county) was Every Given Sunday and the Ghost Monkeys on Mookie. I don't know what Mike was thinking, starting Ryan Matthews from the hospital bed but he still managed to put a reasonable score. Mookie, the epitome of .01 point losses, was behind by less than 4 points at the start of the final game. The Monkeys (Ghost version) put all that aside as Darrius Two-Dads needed all of the game before his third reception carried the Ghost Monkeys to an upset win of 86.72 - 85.61

The second thriller of the week belong to two teams who would probably make the play offs - if they weren't playing each other. The Guns of Hochuli (replacements for this week) muscled into town for an all out cat scratching fight. Coach FYC of the Black Cats stood firm and needed all of Monday night for Antonia Gates (WR) to finally run out for a win. Final score Black Cats 100.11 - Guns of Hochuli 96.31

Speaking of running away - how about the Taipans? For the last few years the Reapers have been the bogey team of the Taipans, knocking them out of contention last year for the Torpedo Bowl. This year, the Taipans start strong and just quietly slithered their way through the weekend to put up a monster score of 160.78 to the Reapers 106.06. Will the Taipans be our high score for the year?

A couple of years ago Mr. Chris and the Helmand Nighthawks when based in Cyprus, put up some of the biggest scores seen in any league. Their move to London (why oh why) saw them stumble last year, but this year, they are back against perpetual rivals the Green Beans. Chad and his potent air of Joe Flacco weren't strong enough as the Nighthawks cruised to a comfortable victory of 107 - 81.

So after week 1, here's how the league looks.

Half the teams won, the other half didn't.

Next weeks biggest match will see the Drunk Monkeys hosting the Broncolo's, while Tarjack gets his first home game against the Gunners.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 299 yards passing, 3 passing TD's, 1 rushing TD and 25 yards, for a total of 30.73 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Matt Ryan of the Australian Taipans the Week One MVT.

[CaptainHaplo]

It was an interesting a weekend to be sure.....

[Gargamel]

Woot!!!!

Undefeated!!!

[mookiemookie]

It's a bad sign when I needed someone to sit one of their RBs just to eke out a victory.

[TarJak]

Did anyone see that Akers 63yd field goal?

[CaptainHaplo]

Originally Posted by TarJak

Did anyone see that Akers 63yd field goal?

I did - and he couldn't have been one inch shorter our it would have bounced out instead of through. Still - thats a leg!

[nikimcbee]

Not too bad of a score TJ for your first game.

[TarJak]

Bring on the gunners

TBH the team performed above expectations this week. We'll have to see if we can improve next week and scrape together a win.

[Chad]

Great first week.

AND unfortunately for my home town team, the Chiefs, we were victims of the MVP for the week Matt Ryan

[Gargamel]

Wait..... How the hell did Tarjak draft a defense in the first round, and a kicker in the second.......... And STILL end up with a (historically) better qb than me???

[nikimcbee]

Originally Posted by Gargamel

Wait..... How the hell did Tarjak draft a defense in the first round, and a kicker in the second.......... And STILL end up with a (historically) better qb than me???

The secret Aussie strategy. That secret can be yours, if you send me $19.95, and you two will know the secret of the Aussie draft.