Tasars... A Word To The Wise

[Letum]

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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
That sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
Looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across
Was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
The button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
Pushed the button AND p ressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
Prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
Spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
Myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries,
Right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
Intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
Moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
Of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
Was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
Reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
One hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
Disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
Spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
Reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All
The while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less
Than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
Itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
My best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
Cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one-
Second burst from such a tin y little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
Decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door,
Picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
And over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
Oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
Never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it
Again, stupid, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
When you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
Dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
Three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
Relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
Sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
Mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right
Thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
Shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

[Blacklight]

You know... if that was me, when I was between the ages of 8-17, I probably would have done the same damn thing with the tazer.

With all the stuped things that I've done as a kid, it's a miracle that I'm still alive today. My wife is VERY amazed that I'm still alive.

[CCIP]

When I was in grade 2, I decided to stick a paperclip into an electric outlet.

You can guess what happened

[Blacklight]

Let's see...
Swan dives off the roof of my two story house onto a dirt pile..
My friends and I tossing fireworks at each other... like cherry bombs..
Taking model rocket engines, gluing fins to them and just putting a nose cone on them and lighting them...(You never knew what direction they would go)
Covering my arm with lighter fluid and then lighting it...
Riding my bike down the two story staircase from the back of my house...
Riding my bike down a huge pile of excavated dirt from a construction site with no brakes..
Trying to jump said bike off a 4 foot wall (and this was back in the 70's when bikes weren't meant to do that)...
..and there's a LOT MORE to this list.
Thankfully me and my friends never built that submarine out of old metal drums we had found (And we spent MONTHS working on the design for it. We could figure out how to make it go down, but not how to make it go up). If we had made the submarine, I or one of my friends wouldn't be here today because of course we had no concept of water pressure.

Yes.. I probably shouldn't be alive today.

[Skybird]

What an idiot. Imagine how it would have ended if he would have bought a gun. Reminds me of a story that won a Darwin Award (to be found at their website). Police one day found a young man stabbed to death, but no sign of attackers. It was cleard up like this: his mother had bought him a protective jacket due to the many knifes and violence incident at his school. when she left the house the young man must have taken on that jacket, got a knife and tested how well protected he was.

Thanks for improving the human genome by removing your genes from it.

But in the mid 80s, in the last year at school, I used to distribute newspaper during vacation. There was this big shepard dog that I needed deal with when passing a compund to get to the paper box of one house, ironically near a church, this holy house of love and friendiness - just that nobody had told that dog. It always commenced fake attacks on me, but one day it all went too far and it was no fake anymore, so I released a full broadside of CS gas into it's face. What do you think the dog did? No kidding: it did not balk and did not run away - it immediately fell like a cut tree, like a pancake falling out of the window and landing on the pavement with a satisfying loud "SPLAT!", it then laid flat on the ground and covered eyes and nose with both front legs, as if wanting to play some doggy game. It looked ricidulous. when I passed it two minutes later on my way out, it still laid like this, making some strange yowling sounds.

Never needed to gas it again - just moving my hand to the pocket of my trousers made it run away. Would have expected another reaction from a CS-treated dog, though, some hectic running around and loud noise, or so...

[Blacklight]

The Darwin Award site is funny. It's too bad that 99% of the Darwin Awards go to made up stories and wives tales. Call me sick but I wish that most of those incidents really occured because it makes me feel smarter.

[XabbaRus]

That reminds me of when I was 16 and we had the new gas hob installed it had teh electronic ignition thing, you know the button you push to make a spark and light the gas. WEll I figured it can't be THAT much forgetting that the thing is wired into a standard UK 240V circuit so I put on finger on said sparking terminal and hit the switch with my other finger. Very odd...Thankfully the switch was springloaded.

[bookworm_020]

Thanks for the laugh, have sent it on to my wife. At least I'm safe Tazers are ileagal here in Australia!

[FIREWALL]

I'm glad you all enjoyed it.

A good laugh daily is good for the soul.

[Tchocky]

Originally Posted by Letum

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[Rockstar]

That was such a great story!

I was in the public library when I read this I laughed so hard and loud. Many curious patrons came over and enjoyed it in much the same way!

Truly a classic :rotfl: