2023 Subsim Fantasy Football

[Gut Wrench]

WILD MONDAY NIGHT
...and who picked the Nighthawks to be 0-3?.

Week Three in the Subsim Fantasy Football League .... and if you weren't watching on Monday night, you missed one of the wildest and most exciting finishes to a week, ever recorded in the Subsim Fantasy league.That comes after a systematic demolition in a couple of other days.

But before we tell you about that, let us tell you about this.


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After opening the season with two home games the Australian Taipans slither into Texas where it was hot...hot, so hot...to mean divisional rivals the Guns of Hochuli. Coach Casey had ordered up a scorching hot day of 112 for the Taipans match and gave the sunny side of the Pearland Stadium. Taipans didn't care, they're from the subtropics and it was just another hot day to be playing. And played they did. Tapians jumped out to early lead on Thursday night and were never headed again. The Gunners, fired back early Sunday morning with with Buffalo (Def) racking up 32 points - to be the highest scoring person on the team. Drinks were brought out early as the Taipans cooled off on Monday night rolling up the scoreboard a few more points. Final score at Pearland Stadium Australian Taipans defeat the Guns of Hochuli 148 - 117.

In South Carolina, the Black Cats welcomed the Who Dat Nation Rises to town for a hurricane rain soaked match. With the traditional bog of the Cats home field the Nation from the Pacific North West - where it always rains - rode into town and shot the Cats to pieces. This wasn't even a close match, even with both teams started less on running back. The Cats had a sniff to steal this game with Joe Burrow (QB) on Monday night, but, it's becoming a case of "which Joe Burrow is going to show up?" This week it was the one who sucked, and couldn't throw a long bomb to save the team. Final score in the south, The Who Dat Nation Rises to defeat the Black Cats 133-102.

Time after time we talk about it, just how good could the Drunk Monkeys be if Coach Thad showed up to the game. They have a great leader with Lamar Jackson as QB. But the rest of the team just played a lazy ass monkey game. The Banter Brigade that crossed the pond are showing that in their second year int he league the have potential championship aspirations as they accounted for the Monkeys. Final score, Banter Brigade 165 - Drunk Monkeys 84.

Our final game of the week was the best of the year so far. A local derby in Wembley, the Helmand Nighthawks were uncharacteristically 0-2 for the season needing to stop the losses. The Boss team, another of our second year team, were 2-0 and were looking to put the Nighthawks way down the ladder and open up the game differential. This was rugged "all through the the weekend" type of game with the teams having appearances in all time slots. On Monday night, the Boss team had closes out their scoring leaving the Nighthawks a 32 point deficit to overcome. Shouldn't be too hard with Jaylen Hurts (QB) and Chris Goodiwn (WR) still to play. But it was. Hurts looked like he was playing hurt and Goodwin looked like he was calling Tom Brady to come back. The Nighthawks only needed three touchdowns between the pair of them and maybe 270 yards to make this a competition. But they came up short. In the first major upset of the year, the Boss team defeats the Helmand Nighthawks 136 - 128.

So lets take our first look at the table and see where we stand.

In the Surface Skimmers division the Australian Taipans sit out front at 3-0. One game behind them are the Banter Brigade at 2-1, one game back again at 1-2 are the Guns of Hochuli , and holding down the wooden spoon are the Drunk Monkeys at 0-3.

In the Sub Simmers division, the Boss team are also 3-0 and share the league lead. One game back from them at 2-1 are the Who Dat Nation, one more game back at 1-2 are the Black Cats, but all the finger pointing is being done at the Helmand Nighthawks who sit at the bottom of the division at 0-3. This is unprecedented in Nighthawk history, their worst start ever, and I would have to think long and hard for the last time that the Nighthawks lost 3 games in a row. But this is also one of the powerhouse teams of the league, who has the potential to put on a charge and finish as the number 1 seed - even from here.

Next week, we go back to Oregon where the Who Dat Nation Rises start as underdogs to the Guns of Hochuli. Unlike other leagues, there will be no "Toy Story" gamification of this match, or any other match. This is serious football folks, we don;t make stuff up.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

This one is a little weird this week. For the effort of 18 receptions for 215 yards, and...then passing 49 yards for 1 touchdown, for a total of 53.46 points, the Week Three MVT goes to Keenan Allen (WR) of the Australian Taipans.

[Gut Wrench]

NIGHTHAWKS SOAR ....TO 1-3
...leaving only one undefeated team?.

Week Four in the Subsim Fantasy Football League .... and finally, our past champion gets out of the cellar and begin their ascent with the first win. We'll tell you about which team fired the cannons loudly, which team slithered their way to a won and spank your red rump as we go around the grounds on the greatest football, never played.

....right after we tell you about the most important message you'll hear today.

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Game of the week and we were back in Oregon as the Who Dat Nation started as underdogs to the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners, who have been a little slow this year to sound off, put that away with a rapid fire assault on the Nation home ground. Casualties abound as the Gunners not only ran for about six miles, they also went through the air for another couple of miles. The Nation, still carrying the Austin Eckler (RB) injury put their team on the shoulder of Justin Field (QB) but you can only carry a dead body so far before you drop it on the ground. With no support form the rest of the team the stadium began to empty early Sunday morning and the only people to see DK Metcalf (WR) were the janitorial staff. This one is a big score folks, the largest as the Gunners put the Who Dat Nation Rises in their place with a 177 - 91 point shellacking.


Across the county, our lowest scoring game of the weekend were the Black Cats hosting the Australian Taipans. the Taipans come into town as one of only two undefeated teams and they were luck to get out of town with the win. Franchise player Patrick Mahonnes (QB) didn't do enough and Tee Higgans (WR) stubbed a two after two catches leaving the door wide open for the cats to sneak in and steal the win. Cats were lead by Joe Burrow (QB) and this week we got the poor man's Joe Burrow who scored less point that tee Higgans (WR). In a race to see who could score the least number of points and win, the Australian Taipans barely hung on to win the game by 113 - 90.

In the upset game of the weekend, we have talked about this year after year - just how good could the Drunk Monkeys be if Coach Thad just showed up. The Monkeys, occupying the bottom of the ladder with 0 wins, welcomed the undefeated Boss team into town. The Bosses were ridding a three game winning streak into the second year and were looking for easy victory over the Monkeys - but not so fast pal, there are never any easy victories in the race to the Torpedo Bowl, especially when your QB gets sacked 10 times. The Monkeys put on a stellar performance swinging from player to player. King Derrick Henry (RB) showed that he still has the crown as he lead the scoring in a lopsided affair that has the bookmakers wondering whether the Boss Team really has the ability to make it to the final. In their first defeat of the year, the Boss Team looses out to the Drunk Monkeys 76-138.

After an abortion of a start to the season, the Helmand Nighthawks finally returned home last week to continue their losing ways. With week four occurring, the Nighthawks were already the subject of whispers as to whether they could return to form and make the playoffs from three games back, let alone dominate their division. With only one TD out of their entire wide receivers, it was left to Isiah Pacheo (RB) to command the running ground and secure the Nighthawks first, and most needed win of the season. Final score at Wembley, the Nighthawks hand the Banter brigade a lesson in football running over them to the tune of 172-126.

A quarter of the season is over and we've got a long way to go, but lets check the pace of our teams.

In the Surface Skimmers division the Australian Taipans remain undefeated at 4-0. The Guns of Hochuli and the banter Brigade sit at 2-2 each, with the Drunk Monkeys scoring their first win of the season to elevate them to.... 1-3.

In the Sub Simmers division, the Boss team sit alone at 3-1. The Who Dat Nation are a game back at 2-w, while the Helmand Nighthawks first win of the game propels them to 1-3 and 6th in the league. The Black cats are equal at 1-3 but drop to 8th in the league on for and against.

Next week, we go back to England for a top of the table battle as the Boss Team hosts the Australian Taipans. The Taipans start the week already underdogs with five players out, so we're expecting Coach Pioneer to make wholesale changes. The Bosses will be smarting from the shock loss to the Nighthawks and will be looking to put the Taipans away and claim an equal share of the #1 position.

Also, next weeks column may be a little late as the broadcast team will be attending the Monday night game.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

There was no doubt who it was going to be this week, with the second highest score of the league this year. For the effort of 106 rushing yards and 3 TD's, and 7 receptions for 78 yards and 1 TD, for a total of 54.70 points, the Week Four MVT goes to Cameron McCafferty of the Guns of Hochuli.

[Gut Wrench]

TAIPANS HANG ON IN A SHOOTOUT THRILLER
...while the Nighthawks beat down the Monkeys

Week Five in the Subsim Fantasy Football League .... holy crap, were you watching some of the best football we've seen...since last week? We've got some high powered football, some low scoring slugfest, and another thriller involving our league leader that required not one, but two rewrites this week.

....and all this from the press box at Allegiant, where we saw the following ad on the big screen, next to Mark Davis' head cut.

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It was out match of the day folks and it was a ball tearer. If you were watching and turned off after fifteen minutes on Thursday night after DJ Moore scored a boatload of points, you missed one of the greatest come from behind, winning at the post moments we've seen. The Boss Team were down a million points when, once again, Stefan Diggs (WR) and Travis Etienne (TE) came out and piled on a combined 83 points. These two teams went back and forth, changing the lead five times before Josh Jacobs finally put the game away with a 1 yard TD run. The implications of thgis is that the Taipans are starting to run away with the league having won two games in a row. Final score in England, the Australian Taipans defeat the Boss team 164-157.

Around the corner, we had The Helmand Nighthawks hosting the Drunk Monkeys. This game was not even close folks, this was a red rump blow out. Travis Kelce's (TE) girlfriend, Taylor Swift could have suited up and scored in this game. FInally, the Helmand Nighthawks get their season pointed in the right direction with their second win of the season, defeating the DRunk MOnkeys 160 - 91.

In the Sugarland, Coach Casey and the Gunners were hosting the Black Cats. In another of the blow outs thius week, the Gunners just blew away the little Cats, even if they did play a man down. A lot of points were scored by the Gunners in this game, look out folks, they are on the move. Final score in Texas Guns of Hochuli defeat the Black Cats 142 - 99.

Back in Oregon, what were the Who Dat Nation Rises Coach thinking about for breakfast that they choose to non start three players. How could you ever record from something like this and expect to win. The Banter Brigade get an easy win and defeat the Nation 168- 98.

Kinda opens up the league a little bit as we look at next weeks games. e go back to Carolina next week when the Black Cats try to stop the Boss team from overshadowing them in the match of the game. Both teams are already fighting for the lives and its only week six.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

This weeks winner was a high scorer and they needed every point to get the win. For the effort of 8 receptions for 230 yards and 3 TD's, for a total of 55 points, the Week Five MVT goes to DJ Moore of the Australian Taipans.

[Gut Wrench]

MORE THRILLERS THAN MICHAEL JACKSON
...less kiddie stuff though.

Week Six in the Subsim Fantasy Football League and do we have a a hot hot week of football to talk about. We've got scores closer than baseball games, more changes that Kings Cross station and we're only one third of the way through the season.


Imagine what the next two thirds of the season will bring.


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Let's grab out breath and run down the program and check all the games at all the grounds and find our best of the week.


In Oregon, the Who Dat Nation Rises welcomed the Helmand Nighthawks to town. The traditional two heavy weights of entire league have put on a few pounds and are currently 2-3 this season coming into the game. The big shock was the Nighthawks who lost their first three, but have started to put on a more traditionally looking run of games winning the last two. The Nation however, they appeared bogged won in the Pacific North West rain as Coach Fuel for Blood struggles to put gas in the tank. The Nighthawks didn't have any stand outs in the game, they just did their job to eventually put the Who Dat Nation Rises away to the tune of 120 - 94.


At Twickenham, the Banter Brigade welcomed the Guns of Hochuli to town in what would be a low scoring affair. Well, what would you expect when both teams leave a combined four (4) players at the pub before the main game. These two teams are playing for seeding already at this stage of the season and the Gunners were just that little bet better. A shock loss by the Banter Brigade sees them fall to the Guns of Hochuli 94 - 88.


Monday brings out winners, and tussles. And there was no bigger tussle then when the bottom of the league were hosting the top of the league, and it all came down to Monday night. The Drunk Monkeys, the best damm 0-2 to every grace the league had the Taipans fly in for what might be their biggest game of the year. The Taipans were running a five game winning streak while the Monkeys were just not scoring. Taipans started three (3) different players on Thursday night and the Monkeys ran them down early Sunday morning. A back and forth tugging match ensued through Sunday, and once we got to Monday night, the Monkeys were slightly in front. The lead change five times and it was apparent this was going to be decided at the end of the night. With 2 minutes to go Cedee Lamb (WR) pulled in a catch that took him for over 100 yards, and the Taipans were beaten. Final score and biggest upset of the week, Drunk Monkeys defeat the Australian Taipans 152 - 141.



Our second thriller saw the lowest ranked team in the league, the Black cats, hosting the hottest team int he league, the Boss team. Coach FYC has coughed up a furball a couple of times this year but were able to strut out to an early lead despite the fact that both teams had a combined four (4) starters down with Covid, and the Black Cats started the hapless Broncos (DEF). This was just a much a snuggle struggle as the cats eventually squeaked out the win 126.5 - 123.2


Next week, the call outs are in full swing so its hard to pick a great game. We're going to go back down under as the Australian Taipans at the top of the table, host the hard charging Banter Brigade on their longest trek of the year.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

This one was still undecided on Monday night, and we had to wait out the final games before casting some votes. For the effort of 12 receptions for 124 yards and 1 TD's, for a total of 36.40 points, the Week Six MVT goes to Amon Saint Brown of the Black Cats.

[Gut Wrench]

LONG HAUL FOOTBALL IN THE TRENCHES
...halfway through the season.

Week Seven in the Subsim Fantasy Football League and we are starting to get a better picture of the comers and goers int he league. We had several matches decided this week before Monday Night, good for production, not so good for entertainment, so we loaned out Peyton and Eli to one of the networks.

So lets get the big heads up on the board as we go around the grounds to get the latest results int he biggest week of football, right after we tell you about this.

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Our match of the day this week was in the land down under, where the Jacarandas start to bloom, the weather starts to warm and the snakes come out to play. The banter Brigade had come to down, making the long trek form the motherland to check on the convict state. Well, there's a revolution going on folks, a eureka stockade charge as the Taipans set the ground alight and sent the Brigade home. The brigade set up the second highest score of the week, only to be beaten by the highest score. A devastating loss drops the Banter to 3-4 while the win pushes the Taipans to 6 - 1. Final score in the subtropics, the Taipans defeat the Banter 150 - 131.

In Oregon, the Who Dat Nation Rises welcomed the Helmand Nighthawks to town. The traditional two heavy weights of entire league have put on a few pounds and are currently 2-3 this season coming into the game. The big shock was the Nighthawks who lost their first three, but have started to put on a more traditionally looking run of games winning the last two. The Nation however, they appeared bogged won in the Pacific North West rain as Coach Fuel for Blood struggles to put gas in the tank. The Nighthawks didn't have any stand outs in the game, they just did their job to eventually put the Who Dat Nation Rises away to the tune of 120 - 94.

Two games int he motherland this weekend with the first at Twickenham as the Boss team hosted the Who Dat Nation Rises. The nation have slipped in the power rankings the last few years, giving up some easy wins to lower class teams. The Bosses were at home with the English "voice" and drowned out the Nation in signal calling, leaving three starters back at the hotel. This one wasn't even close, at the Bosses run out convincing winners 113 - 47.

The second game on English soil were the Helmand Nighthawks at home to the Black Cats. After a worrisome start to the season, the Nighthawks have put together consecutive wins as they soar back into play off contention. Representing the bottom of the ladder, the Black Cats justified their lowly ranking, giving up three non starting positions. The second game of the weekend that was over even before Sunday night, the Helmand Nighthawks skin the Black Cats 123 - 71.

Final game of the weekend was the closest game of the weekend. The Guns of Hochuli had the Drunk Monkeys coming to Sugarland. the Monkeys were riding high after their shock win last week, and thought that they could just swing by the Gunners. Not so fast, the Gunners blew the Monkeys out of the tree early on but the swarm or red rumps chased the Gunners all the way to Monday night. Once again, the Coach Thad had just shown up and replaced any of his four non starters, just one of them, the result would be different. Final score in Texas the Guns of Hochuli defeat the Drunk Monkeys 109-90.

It's halfway through the season, lets check out the board and see where we are.

In the Sub Simmers division, it's a tail of two couples. The Helmand Nighthawks and the Boss team lead the division at 4-3 each, while two games back, the other couple of the Black Cats and the Who Dat Nation Rises squabble for the wooden spoon at 2-5 each.

In the Surface Skimmers division, the Australian Taipans have opened a small lead at 6-1. The Guns of Hochuli are right behind them at 5-2, then a gap to the Banter Brigade at 3-4 and the Drunk Monkeys at 2-5.

With all that said our Match of the day next week is the Guns of Hochuli hosting the Australian Taipans. Our top of the league clash not only has divisional implications, but can also open the door for the Helmand Nighthawks to make ground.

Next week, the call outs are in full swing so its hard to pick a great game. We're going to go back down under as the Australian Taipans at the top of the table, host the hard charging Banter Brigade on their longest trek of the year.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Making their first appearance this year, for the effort of 12 receptions for 1179 yards and 1 TD's, for a total of 41.90 points, the Week Seven MVT goes to Taylor Swifts boyfriend, Travis Kelce (TE) of the Helmand Nighthawks.

[Gut Wrench]

SPOOKY RESULTS
...haunt the league

Week Eight in the Subsim Fantasy Football League and the ghosts and goblins were out. There were werewolves in sheep clothing, black cats and skeletons. And off the field there was some crazy stuff as well.

Hitch up them broomsticks and get ready to fly as we go around the grounds right after we give you the biggest treat of the week.


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Our match of the day this week the Guns of Hochuli hosting the Australian Taipans. The Taipans and Gunners have been going 1-2 all season and in this their first match up we expected to see the sparks fly. What we got was a Masterclass in Coaching from Coach Casey. On Thursday night the Taipans were favored to win but the Gunners started Josh Allen (QB) and Gabe Davis (WR) who put up 68 points before the Taipans even started. That is not insurmountable given the Gunners were playing a man down. Coach Casey made their first appearance of the year but changing their team shortly before kick off and by the time Coach Pioneer arrived at the ground, the gap was now almost 90 points...and the Taipans hadn't even taken the field. They should have stayed home as they got skinned by the Guns of Hochuli 185 - 99.

In England it was the local Derby with the Boss team hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. The Nighthawks after a a disastrous 0-3 start have put 4 wins in a row on the board, scrapping into second at the Bosses house. This was also not a close game as the Nighthawks show the sophomore team whey they are the leagues most successful team. Upsetting the home crowd, the Helmand Nighthawks defeat the Boss team 173 - 119.


Our bottom of the table clash between a pair of 2-5's saw the Black Cats hosting the Who Dat Nation Rises. In a perennial battle of who scores last, the Cats had a surprising score of 17 from the Broncos (DEF) while the Nation let Justin Field (QB) check out before the game started and go trick or treating. Perhaps the best game of the week, the Black Cats clawed their way to a win 125 - 97.


Our final game was another English game with the Banter Brigade hosting the Drunk Monkeys. This was a red rump ripping game with the lead changing hands on Sunday afternoon four times. The final score was going to come down to Monday night where the Drunk Monkeys held a 20 point lead. With only Jamyhr Gibbs (RB left to play and a predicted 15 point score, this was a nail bitter. Gibbs (RB) helped his cause by receiving a couple of catches, before finally putting the team ahead with a TD. Final score in the motherland, the banter Brigade win 174 - 156.

A couple of key wins and losses have tightened up the leadership board.

In the Sub Simmers division, it's a tail of two couples. The Helmand Nighthawks have sole possession of the division at 5=3 with the Boss team behind them at 4-4. There's a gap to the Black at 3-5 and the Who Dat Nation Rises at 2-6.

In the Surface Skimmers division, its a little more complicated. The Guns of Hochuli and the Australian Taipans share the league and division lead at 6-2, then a gap to the Banter Brigade and the Drunk Monkeys at 3-5. We haven't yet discussed count back yet but the Gunners would have the #1 seed, and the Brigade would be the #4 seed.

With all that said our Match of the day next week is down under as the Helmand Nighthawks try to slay the Taipans. These two powerhouse teams could be fighting it out for the #1 seed at the end of the season, and this could be the pivotal deciding game.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Coming through on Monday night, for the effort of 152 yards and 1 TB, 5 receptions for 37 yards, for a total of 35.90 points, the Week Eight MVT goes to Jahmyr Gibbs (RB) of the Banter Brigade.

[Gut Wrench]

WHO DAT GET A SECOND WIN
...but Monkeys still own the wooden spoon.

Week Nine in the Subsim Fantasy Football League and we've turned the halfway corner and making the long run into the homestretch. We still have every team vying for a play off position but unlike previous years, the top and bottom of the league look a little, strange.

Let's lok at some stranger things and go around the grounds, right after we point out the new yellow banner up there, and the usual commercial down her.


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if you had told me at the start of the season the Who Dat Nation at halfway through t he season would be the bottom team, I'd have bet against you. If you told me that they'd be batting for last place with the Drunk Monkeys, I'd have doubled my bet, and lost. The Monkeys were hosting the Nation is a last place shoot out that needed all of Monday night to sort out. The Monkeys had Ceedee Lamb (WR) put up 34 points, challenging the Nation to come through. The Nation ran down the Monkeys but they still needed Austin Ecklar (RB) to score to give the Nation a much needed and narrow win. Final score, the Who Dat Nation defeat the Drunk Monkeys 102.3 - 100.08.

In South Carolina, it was the "who can win a game with the least number of starters" as the Black Cats hosted the Banter brigade. The Brigade had come to town looking for an easy win to keep their playoff aspirations alive The Cats had other ideas. Now while both teams started the game each three players short, it was the work of Joe Burrow (QB) that lifted the felines above the rabble. Final score in the south, the Back Cats defeat the Banter Brigade 109-67.

Our match of the day this week was a beauty. The Helmand Nighthawks were visiting the Australian Taipans in Australia. The Taipans opened the season going 5-0 and have since stumbled, whereas the Nighthawks started the season 0-3 and have put 5 wins in a row on the board. This was a marquee match up as the Nighthawks opened on Thursday night with a tone of points. The Taipans traded early on Sunday morning to bring in Taysom Hill (TE) who not only threw for a touchdown but received a pass for a touchdown. In a week of lower than average scores, the damage done by Hill (TE) was enough to put the Taipans back on the winning track. Final score, The Taipans defeat the Helmand Nighthawks 137-97.

The final game of the week was the league leading Guns of Hochuli hosting the Boss team. The Gunners had defeated the Taipans last week and taken the league lead at 6-2 on a countback. The Bosses were running at .500% and looking to upset the leaders. And upset them they did. After losing Daniel Jones (QB) to season ending injury, the Bosses playing two men down set about pursing the Gunners. Josh Allen (QB) put in a substandard performance for the Gunners and the Bosses were helped by their entire Gunners running backs, scoring a combined score of 0. Big upset here folks as the Bosses strut into town and defeat the Guns of Hochuli 85 - 77

The league has bell shape curve about it at the end of week nine. The Taipans lead at 7-2 with the Guns of Hochuli at 6-3. Both the Helmand Nighthawks and the Boss team are at 5-4, with the Black Cats and the Banter brigade at 4-5. The Who Dat Nation are 3-6 and the WDrunk Monkeys are at the bottom at 2-7.

Next week we go back to England where the Banter Brigade will be hosting the Boss team. Two teams int heir second year looking to improve of their previous performances and make their way into the playoffs.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Moving their team up the ladder, for the effort of5 receptions for 139 yards and 1 TD, for a total of 30.90 points, the Week Nine MVT goes to Amari Cooper of the Who Dat Nation Rises.