Booze and Señoritas: A Tropico AAR

[Hottentot]

The usual preface:

Dear ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Hottentot Airlines. Today we are taking you on a one-way trip to the shiny, sunny and rum filled caribbean to admire the beautiful, pristine nature and to meet new, exotic people, leading their simple and cheerful lives. Experience the salsa and try the fresh bananas picked from the trees! Nothing in your local super market will come close to this! Just remember to be quick, because the package also involves a stereotypical Caribbean dictator, who might just eat that banana from under your nose. And then make you grow new ones for 1$ per month.

Hottentot Airlines: We do it authentic, baby!


Ahem, on a more serious note: it has been a while since I made my very first AAR, incidentally also about Tropico. Feeling nostalgical, I decided to resurrect the old character, but no worries, I'm not selling you the same old stuff in a new package. No, wait, that's exactly what I'm doing, but you're not supposed to notice it. In any case, there is a catch, which you will notice as soon as you look at the pictures, so don't panic. At least yet.

Furthermore: due to Imageshack being bonkers, I can't guarantee that this AAR will be online after the thread has sunk to the bottom and I have made room for new stories on my account. In case anyone digs this up after years (yeah, like that's going to happen) and doesn't see any pictures, please PM me and I'll send the full story to you as a PDF. Otherwise: welcome, once more!


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Part 1: The First Year


Well! That took a while! It turns out the Caribbean is pretty big after all!

Yes, it's me: your savior and hero, Pepe Manuel El Magnifico Handsome. I'm sure you have heard of my great exploits on the island of Tropico a few years ago. Oh how sad those wonderful people were when I left them. "Don't go, Pepe Manuel! We don't know what to do without you! Our señoritas will follow you wherever you go!" Yes, alas, it was a sad moment but I had to leave.

I can't remember exactly why, though. Because after I left, it turned out I had nothing especial in my mind for the future. So since then I have been pretty much drifting in my little rowing boat around the Caribbean, chilling out and getting a nice tan to become even more handsome. At first it felt a little pointless, but then I came across a floating box full of booze and adult magazines, so life was good again.

It was only recently when one evening I was very, very drunk. And you won't believe this, but a FREAKING FAIRY raised out of the water! I thought it was my birthday, but just my luck, it was not a hot señorita fairy like in every good...well, fairy tale. Instead it was a robe wearing nerd calling himself George Orson Goodsoup. And he said: "Pepe, my boy, I have an offer for you, and you can't refuse!"

So I grabbed the oar and smashed him, but he didn't go away. Instead he continued with his stupid nasal voice: "for just 9,99 dollars I can take you to an all new island, which strangely enough resembles your old island by also being called Tropico. But this is all new, third generation Tropico! It has palm trees, beaches, single señoritas and a fax modem!"

Yes, I thought, yes! Anything to get rid of that nightmare! So I quite literally throwed my money at him and POOF! Found myself in the middle of a jungle with irritating and repetitive latino soundtrack playing in my ears without a way to turn it off.

Oh, and then there was this huge sign: "Welcome to Tropico! A new dictator wanted, no former work experience required! Bonus points, if you are inclined to exploit and ruthlessly opress all the simple and good willed natives and willing to make yourself stinking rich in progress without caring about your subjects' well being. Assassination attempts a possible job hazard. Apply to: Secret Base 97, Third Coconut Tree from the right, 22042, Jungle."

So being already experienced on the field, I decided to apply and sent them my CV:



I got a return parcel saying: "OK, whatever, do a revolution or something."

So I walked to to the center of the Tropico City and wondered how these stupid people would understand I'm their boss now. I tried telling it to them, but none of them seemed to speak English. So to make them understand my glory, I had to make my first painful sacrifice for the well being of the people. I sacrificed some of my personal booze and bribed the army of Tropico with it to support me in revolution.




He turned out to be a very nice fellow after a few shots of Maltese, so the three of us (me, him and the only rifle on the island) marched into the current el Presidente's office and told him I'm the new boss. And so began my great career as el Presidente of Tropico (again).

But enough about that. Let's talk more about me! You are here to listen to me talking about me, aren't you?




When I arrived to this island, I had to of course tell them who I am. So I impressed them by telling how I single handedly defeated traitors and unpleasant people in my previous job when they tried to take over my island with their evil monkey overlords.




I am an impressive man! That's why the señoritas love me! In secret every man would like to be like me and they are jealous because they just can't become as awesome as I am. Admit it!




My heart is always open to my people and their needs. After my own needs, of course.




I can make any backwater island prosperous, because I personally take care that their most important products meet my high quality standards. Unfortunately the whiny people always find this a great excuse to express their jealousness towards me. They did it last time too, but such is life.




Bah, who cares about the whiny people anyway? I'm here for señoritas and booze and I'm not afraid to say it out loud that yes, I am THE MAN! Those who gets their kicks from old ladies wearing heavy robes, scarfs and their backside on their faces can keep them. I prefer my señoritas' tight buns to be on the lower part of the body instead of in their hair, thank you very much.




So then: here I am in front of my new house. I like the fancy hat I found in the previous El Presidente's wardrobe, and turns out he had a great cigar collection too!




As you can see, I really am a man of the people and live modestly like my sub...

Oh wait, sorry, that's from my neighborhood.




This is mine! See the resemblance? I have a brown door too!




A quick look around the island tells me that Tropico is rather pictoresque, warm, pleasant...




And totally backwards! I mean they don't even have a decent pub in here!