Navy Jokes

[kptn_kaiserhof]

ANYBODY GOT SOME NAVY JOKES???



got on for you subsim captns


baby torpedo says to moma torpedo...
why do we go in and out of the tube in peacetime

moma torpedo says... to keep the seamen busy :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Arclight]

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”
The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't
mean Khakis!”

Not my own, but still funny.

[FIREWALL]

Originally Posted by Arclight

The old Navy Chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, “Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands. Heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lighted, now Reveille.”
The old chief told the parrot, “We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep.”

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. Chief told the parrot, “If you keep this up, I'll put you out in the chicken pen.”

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.
About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter. The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention in formation, and on the ground laid 3 bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, “By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't
mean Khakis!”

Not my own, but still funny.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[seafarer]

Not mine either:

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of
working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master
Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number
of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result
doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

[kptn_kaiserhof]

damn rookies

[Sailor Steve]

Not a joke, per se, but a true story.

When my ship got back from Vietnam, my girlfriend was driven to meet me by a friend of hers (also female). There was the usual 'welcome home' stuff - much hugging and kissing. I then gave them a tour of the ship. At one point my girlfriend's friend asked me "What's that big box up there?".

I answered "That's the ASROC housing."

"What's ASROC?"

"Anti-Submarine Rocket." I replied.

"What's an Anti-Submarine Rocket?" She asked.

I was about to give a straight answer when I suddenly thought of a joke I had read as a kid, about submarines and anti-aircraft guns. It was easy to change it in my head, so I told her "We have on board a group of specialists known as the 'Green Paint' Division. When we're driving over a suspected enemy submarine we dump a thousand gallons of green paint in the water. Then we go a couple of miles away and turn our engines off. The submarine thinks we've gone, and comes up for a look around. When he puts his periscope up it gets coated with green paint, and, thinking he's still under water, he keeps coming up. We wait until he's about a thousand feet in the air, and then we shoot him down with an Anti-Submarine Rocket!"

My girlfriend, being a good BS sniffer, was just shaking her head, but her friend actually looked at me with wide eyes and said "Really?"

And that, friends, is my really true-life ASROC story.

[gAiNiAc]

Not a joke, an insult........

When I was a lowly Airman cranking mess a Senior Chief,whom I pissed off, once said to me,

"How would you like it if I ripped your head off and shoved it up your ass so you could watch me butt-f*!k you?!?!?!"

I was then sent to the scullery.........

[gAiNiAc]

Originally Posted by seafarer

Not mine either:

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of
working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master
Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number
of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result
doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Hahaha!

[Pal_080]

A thousand feet in the air...? hahaha does she even know what a submarine is? She must be thinking blimp.

[kptn_kaiserhof]

is your girlfriend's friend a dumb blond??

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by kptn_kaiserhof

is your girlfriend's friend a dumb blond??

As a matter of fact...and with the wonderfully improbable name of Janet Love.

[Doolan]

A guy steps into the recruiting office, willing to join the Navy. The officer asks the usual questions. Eventually, he asks:

- Can you swim?

- What the hell, they don't give us ships?

A few months later, the same guy phones the shipyard:

"Hey guys, the submarine you gave us is a piece of crap. What? No no, it does dive, but it just won't come back up. What? It wasn't a submarine? Well that sorta explains why it took us so long to sink it"

[seafarer]

For some real stories, check out http://www.submarinesailor.com/humor/

Personally, I liked this one

Shark Watch!
by Jimmy Howell, USS Tecumseh, 1984-88

During a swim call off Eleuthra island, the guys inflated a couple of surgical gloves to bat around while swimming. One of these "ballooned gloves" got away from them and drifted about 100-150 yards away from the boat.

The CO who was on the bridge at the time asked the "shark watch" if he thought he could hit the balloon.

With no warning to the swimmers, the watch popped off 5-6 rounds with his M14.

The old saying "Like a Deer in the Headlights" was never better illustrated than by those guys peering at the gunman.

oh, and this one too:

Iceberg, Emergency Deep!
by John Grabarczyk, IC2(SS), USS Shark SSN-591 5/78 - 5/84

Onboard the USS SHARK, off of Andros Island for AUTEC, the XO has the Conn, the CO is standing by, and we're coming to PD. As the scope breaks the XO yells "ICEBERG! EMERGENCY DEEP"!

The CO immediately shouts "Belay That...XO we're in the Caribbean. There are no icebergs here. Let me see that scope".

After looking through the scope he proceeds to check the adjustments, and says "Damn it, XO, you had the scope on high power & full elevation! You're looking at a G**D*** CLOUD"!

[LukeFF]

Originally Posted by seafarer

Iceberg, Emergency Deep!
by John Grabarczyk, IC2(SS), USS Shark SSN-591 5/78 - 5/84

Onboard the USS SHARK, off of Andros Island for AUTEC, the XO has the Conn, the CO is standing by, and we're coming to PD. As the scope breaks the XO yells "ICEBERG! EMERGENCY DEEP"!

The CO immediately shouts "Belay That...XO we're in the Caribbean. There are no icebergs here. Let me see that scope".

After looking through the scope he proceeds to check the adjustments, and says "Damn it, XO, you had the scope on high power & full elevation! You're looking at a G**D*** CLOUD"!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[sturmer]

Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders, and even one Captain and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief! The only person that actually works arround here!"

sturmer