Web of lies from a civilisation that's caught in the net

[kiwi_2005]

Aussie humor, good read

http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/societ...0612-y4hx.html

I'VE imbibed a deluge of tabloid information. You know it's true or they would not have put it on the internet.
As a public service, here is a fast history of where we have been and why we are here, according to modern media.

The first humans were or were not created by an all-powerful deity called God, Allah or Jehovah, or we were created by an extraterrestrial species that look like giant insects or Aryan athletes. The premier people on the red carpet of history were Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve, or Shirley and Eve: they were white, black or another colour. They ate with their hands and Eve liked apples, which was really bad. They were the first modern people and may or may not have had sex before or after with Neanderthals. In those days incest and hair were quite big. We now shave our bodies in remembrance.


Various civilisations came and went, helped by aliens, slave labour, psychedelic drugs, loot from war and something called "human nature". There is nature and then there is "human nature". This covered malice, bigotry, love, breeding and really shocking behaviour called the seven deadly sins. Religions multiplied, since we could not believe we alone were conscious on earth. It seemed to be too depressing if we were unique in the universe and had evolved from crabs.

Anyway, the Chinese invented rockets and war took off everywhere. This was not the fault of the Chinese, who liked fireworks. Shakespeare, a pot-head Englishman, wrote or did not write many plays representing a new secular bible. He created the modern human with his play Hamlet, where the stoned young man says: "To be or not to be." This was a first quarto misprint of "to bed or not to bed", causing sexual problems to this day, and also modern psychology. Psychology explains to us why we are all insane.
Meanwhile religions caused atrocities for centuries until now. A recent one was World War II, (sequels are big) after an Austrian pagan, Adolf Hitler, convinced the Germans they were the "Aryan" master race. They went on to a war that killed 50 million people, with the help of the Japanese when Hitler convinced them they were Aryans. Hitler lost and the victors grabbed his scientists and landed on the moon, for no reason.


Hitler, an amateur biologist, didn't like Jews such as Albert Einstein. He said they were not as human as Aryans. This caught the attention of famous genocidal psychopath Josef Stalin, who wanted Hitler's head, and got it. Someone stole Einstein's brain, and now US scientists have been studying Einstein's cells to see why he was smart. Where Hitler was born is now marked by a gelato bar, where he worked is a Chinese restaurant and where he died is under a car park. Other famous leaders are remembered with airports, streets and cognacs.
Innocent women and children are routinely slaughtered in these religious wars, which makes you angry, particularly if you have women and children in your own family.


Political history is confusing. For example, democracy means the people vote for their leaders. In totalitarian systems people vote 100 per cent for the same leader. In the US, the most powerful democracy, people don't have to vote. The French and Americans had revolutions to start democracies, a similarity that did not extend to eating habits. Americans ate squirrel brains and the French liked snails.
America was on top, but lost ground in the 1970s when its president Nixon burgled his opponents' offices. He was brought down by someone called Deep Throat. Earlier, a film was made of the same name, which philosopher Bob Hope thought was about a giraffe.


This survey would not be complete without discussing conspiracy theories. History is one huge conspiracy. Alternatively blasphemous to some and logical to others, it goes something like this. Aliens landed in ancient Egypt, South America, Australia and other places impregnating people, building pyramids and painting murals. An alien, impersonating a Roman centurion, fathered Jesus Christ. Jesus never died and married Mary Magdalene. Their descendants included Princess Diana, the Kennedys, Madonna, Chips Rafferty, Franklin Roosevelt, Winston Churchill and Ron Howard. The US has been run by extraterrestrials ever since Thomas Jefferson edited the Bible to 46 pages. Periodically, alien masterminds assassinate uppity alien-human hybrids including John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King. Aliens are extremely right wing.
Finally, Shakespeare predicated a black US president in Othello, and that the Beatles would write a song about his wife. You can verify all this information by studying the internet. I hope this is helpful.

[Weiss Pinguin]

Hitler lost and the victors grabbed his scientists and landed on the moon, for no reason.

For some reason this line made me laugh louder than the others

[Platapus]

Weiss,

That reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from the movie Ice Station Zebra

The Russians put our camera made by *our* German scientists and your film made by *your* German scientists into their satellite made by *their* German scientists.

[Sailor Steve]

I'm glad our children have somewhere to turn to learn real history.

[Admiral8Q]

Funny post Kiwi! I found this quote most amusing:

Psychology explains to us why we are all insane.

[Jimbuna]

"to bed or not to bed", causing sexual problems to this day

You can say that again