2023 Subsim Fantasy Football

[Gut Wrench]

...AND WE'RE BACK


Are you ready for some (make believe) football?

Yes, get ready for 17 of the most frustrating weeks you can ever imagine. The 4th of July is done and we're on the run up to the kickoff of the 2023 fantasy season

And unlike last year, our knucklehead Commissioner is on it.

Draft day is Saturday 2 September, 2022, at 0800 PDT.

Oh...is there no ESPN commentary this year at the early advance warning of the draft...oh that's right, cause ESPN fired half their staff. We'll have you know that this is the same contingency for years, so go pluck a duck ESPN.

This years draft will be held at the Las Vegas Sphere, where the Commissioner has booted out U2 from their performance the night before, to make way for the grandstand event that is Fantasy Football.






The league is accepting expansion teams until September 1 2023, after which the league will be locked...and you'll have to buy your own tickets to see if the Who Dat Nation Rises can repeat their stellar come from behind performance of last year.


If you think you've big enough (foot) balls to go against the Best of Subsim, click on the link and get ready to play fantasy football.


Subsim Yahoo Fantasy Football League

[Gut Wrench]

IT'S DRAFT DAY FOLKS


And we'll be here all morning as we get ready to choose fake footballers.

For all your fake news, stay tuned to the Subsim News Network.

Draft time is Saturday 2 September, 2022, at 0800 PDT.

First pick of the draft goes to....the Black Cats.


Wow... that was a wild draft.

Coaches are still talking about the Tarjack selection of the SF defense as the overall #4 pick.

Taylor Swift showed up and did a show in lingerie.

Even the Don, Mister Trump was there pointing all the fakes. "fake. Fake. Fake."

Any Behrans had commentary before the draft, before a raucous crowd.

...and in only their second year, Coach Anthony of the Banter Brigade takes out the best draft by phoning it in.

All right folks, games start Thursday night. Stick around for the next 17 weeks as we talk smack about the wannabe's and the champions-to-be.



First game of the year is a powerhouse struggle, with our defending Champions the Who dat Nation Rises taking on the Helmand Nighthawks. The Nighthawks have a rugged road trip starting the first two games on the road while the Nation need the first win at home knowing that the division last year was decided on count backs.

[Gut Wrench]

WEEK ONE WALKING WOUNDED
...and rookie mistakes.

Week One in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. ....and if you're first four picks of the draft were Cooper Kupp (WR) Travis Kelce (TE) Jonathon Taylor (RB) and Aaron Rodgers (QB) your week one results are probably going to cost you any run at the championship.

Fortunately, in the Subsim Fantasy Football league, we got to spread the hurt around. And in our case, justifiably so, as we saw rookie mistake after mistake.

On one of the most solemn days of the year, we have all the fake news that you can handle, right after we give you this most important message.

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Oregon. Last year the league was won by the Who Dat Nation Rises with a four game run at the en of the season that annihilated the competition. Their run was fueled by a running back duo. Not this week though as the Nation started Dallas Goedert (TE) who was a scratch even before the game. In the powerhouse game of the division, the Nation were hosting the Helmand Nighthawks who have a brutal two game road trip start to the season. Jet lag must have affected Mister Chris because he too was also prone to rookie mistakes, starting both Dameon Pierce (RB) and Baltimore (DEF). Fortunately for Mister Chris, Pierce (RB) didn't score, but that had long term implications as the Nighthawks fell about a touchdown short of knocking off the Nation. Opening Day for Coach Fuel For blood results in an important divisional win, as the Nation defeat the Nighthawks 125 - 114.

I can't remember the last time the Nighthawks lost their first game of the year, just like I can't remember when the Taipans won their first game of the year.

The Taipans had an anomaly and were scheduled to play on September 11, but they stopped using the Southern California stadium two years ago and went home. How they got opening day on September 11 I do not know, but they welcomed the Drunk Monkeys to town...and were lucky they weren't annihilated. Cooper Kupp (WR) was a scheduled starter for the Monkeys so the Taipans complimented that by having Tyree Higgins (WR) take the field...and do nothing. Peyton and Eli did a Manningcast practice on this game and kept the interest in it as the Taipans hang on for a narrow win. Not a convincing opening day, but the Taipans get the W by defeating the Drunk Monkeys 102.94 - 101.96.

The Black Cats welcomed the Boss team to South Carolina in a battle of "which quarterback sucks the most". Mine does, no mine does. They both do. In a dismal affair between Joe Burrow (QB) and Daniel Jones (QB) it was still a stand out game as Tyree Hill (WR) asks the question of "how much will you pay me?" Hill lit up the scoreboard single handed and was a delight to watch even though this game was decided by half time. With the Nighthawks losing in the early game of the day, the Boss team was able to become the sole English team to lead the league not called the Nighthawks. The Boss Team accounted for the Black cats 175 - 115.

Our final game of the day has the Guns of Hochuli (Damm, I miss Ed.) hosting the Banter Brigade. With all three English team crossing the pond this weekend, on the same flight, its no wonder that there was confusion at the baggage carousel. Another rookie mistake, this time by Coach Casey starting Mark Andrews (TE) for the game - when he was still out on sick leave. This game went into Monday night and came down to Tyler Bass (K) of the Gunners battling the New York Jets (DEF) for the final points of the weekend. And battle it out they did into overtime. Th smart money would have been on the Gunners ace Josh Allen (QB) but it was the New York Jets (DEF) who held strong and gave the win to the Banter brigade on the final play of the entire weekend. The Banter Brigade steal one and beat the Gunners 101 - 90.

So where does that leave us at the end of Week 1, half the teams are 1-0, the other half are 0-1. Next week we go downunder for the first time as the Australian Taipans welcome the Banter Brigade to town. if the

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

We've had some big individual scores on opening day, including some outstanding performances from Defenses, but none where a single players has carried the entire team for the win. For the effort 11 receptions for 212 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 50 - 50 points, the Week One MVT goes to Tyree Hill (WR) of the Boss team.

[Gut Wrench]

BANTER BITTEN BY TAIPANS
...an injured snake.

Week Two in the Subsim Fantasy Football League. .... and if you're name is Bill Belichick and you don't have a girlfriend, throw that challenge flag all your like because the Coaches in the Subsim Fantasy Football league do not have any vacancies.

We'll have all the tantrum throwing, girlfriend loss and even some on field action, right after this important message.

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Our game of the week, was the Australian Taipans hosting the Banter Brigade. The Taipans get to open the season with two home games, and the second requires the Brigade to make the long flight east (yes, they fly from England to Australia that way) to meet the Aussies. And they were waiting. The Taipans after a week one so-so game came out and just piled points on the board, not a bad effort considering both Nick Chubb (RB) and Josh Jacobs (RB) were carted off the field with injuries. The Taipans open their season losing both running backs, but have Zac Moss (RB) stashed on the bench. The Brigade must have had that jet-lag because except for Devonte Adams (WR) most of their guys were sleeping during the game - made difficult with all those cots on the field. This one wasn't even close folks as the Australian Taipans account for the Banter Brigade 163 - 71.

Is it too early to be signalling for help? We checked in with the Coach of the Helmand Nighthawks, Mister Chris, after their game against the Black Cats in South Carolina. With a two game away schedule, the Nighthawks record their second loss of the season, even with Travis Kelce (TE) returning to the game and scoring one touchdown. But for Coach FYC, it was a purr-fectly executed cat scratch with Justin Jefferson (WR) holding the team together as they played one man down. The Cats move to .500% with their 116 - 102 win over the Helmand Nighthawks.

In the highest scoring match of the week, the Guns of Hochuli hosted the Drunk Monkeys. Make no mistake, the Drunk Monkeys are just one coach away from being a Torpedo Bowl winning team, if Coach Thad would just show up. The Gunners and the Monkeys were throwing feces at each other for the entire 60 minutes in the heavy heat of a Texas temperature surge. This was a Josh Allen (QB) versus Lamar Jackson (QB) arm slinging match. If Coach Thad has just swapped out Cooper Cupp (WR) for George Pickens (WR) this would have been a Drunk victory. Final score in Sugarland, the Gunners out blast the Drunk Monkeys 170 - 149.


Our final game of the week was the Boss team hosting the Who Dat nation. The Bosses stunned the opposition in week one and while the Nation were also victorious, the money was on the Nation coming to England and rolling over the Bosses like a Sheffield pitch. But the Nation were unprepared for the homeland force of the Boss fans (all 12 of them) who were able to be heard over the Intercity trains running by. Both teams were also playing one man down, again, a display of rookie coaches in an otherwise exciting match. The nation would not be able to overcome the strength of Daniel Jones (QB) who put the Bosses on his back and did everything but carry the drinks tray. The Boss Team stuns the defending Torpedo Bowl champions to take command of the Sub Simmers division by defeating the Who Dat Nation Rises 132 - 115.


So where does that leave us? There's quite a spread and its only week two. The Bosses and the Taipans are the two undefeated at the top of the table. Four teams are tied at 1-1, but it is the bottom of the table where the Drunk Monkeys and the Helmand Nighthawks occupy the 7th and 8th positions,...and the Monkeys aren't 8th. What has happened to our beloved Nighthawks, powerhouse dynasty residing in the cellar.


Next week, we head to Wembley, home of the Nighthawks in the "local derby" as the Helmand Nighthawks host the Boss Team. The bottom of the ladder is hosting the top of the ladder, and the Nighthawks need a win - and it's only week three. And we'll be there to catch all the action and report back here.


Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

In the history of Subsim Fantasy Football, we've never had one team win the opening two weeks of the seasons MVT. This year, the dynasty may be starting as they have a second player win the converted weekly award. For the effort of 321 yards and 2 touchdowns, plus an additional 59 rushing yards for 1 TD, or a total of 40.24 points, the Week Two MVT goes to Daniel Jones (QB) of the Boss team.

[Gut Wrench]

WILD MONDAY NIGHT
...and who picked the Nighthawks to be 0-3?.

Week Three in the Subsim Fantasy Football League .... and if you weren't watching on Monday night, you missed one of the wildest and most exciting finishes to a week, ever recorded in the Subsim Fantasy league.That comes after a systematic demolition in a couple of other days.

But before we tell you about that, let us tell you about this.


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After opening the season with two home games the Australian Taipans slither into Texas where it was hot...hot, so hot...to mean divisional rivals the Guns of Hochuli. Coach Casey had ordered up a scorching hot day of 112 for the Taipans match and gave the sunny side of the Pearland Stadium. Taipans didn't care, they're from the subtropics and it was just another hot day to be playing. And played they did. Tapians jumped out to early lead on Thursday night and were never headed again. The Gunners, fired back early Sunday morning with with Buffalo (Def) racking up 32 points - to be the highest scoring person on the team. Drinks were brought out early as the Taipans cooled off on Monday night rolling up the scoreboard a few more points. Final score at Pearland Stadium Australian Taipans defeat the Guns of Hochuli 148 - 117.

In South Carolina, the Black Cats welcomed the Who Dat Nation Rises to town for a hurricane rain soaked match. With the traditional bog of the Cats home field the Nation from the Pacific North West - where it always rains - rode into town and shot the Cats to pieces. This wasn't even a close match, even with both teams started less on running back. The Cats had a sniff to steal this game with Joe Burrow (QB) on Monday night, but, it's becoming a case of "which Joe Burrow is going to show up?" This week it was the one who sucked, and couldn't throw a long bomb to save the team. Final score in the south, The Who Dat Nation Rises to defeat the Black Cats 133-102.

Time after time we talk about it, just how good could the Drunk Monkeys be if Coach Thad showed up to the game. They have a great leader with Lamar Jackson as QB. But the rest of the team just played a lazy ass monkey game. The Banter Brigade that crossed the pond are showing that in their second year int he league the have potential championship aspirations as they accounted for the Monkeys. Final score, Banter Brigade 165 - Drunk Monkeys 84.

Our final game of the week was the best of the year so far. A local derby in Wembley, the Helmand Nighthawks were uncharacteristically 0-2 for the season needing to stop the losses. The Boss team, another of our second year team, were 2-0 and were looking to put the Nighthawks way down the ladder and open up the game differential. This was rugged "all through the the weekend" type of game with the teams having appearances in all time slots. On Monday night, the Boss team had closes out their scoring leaving the Nighthawks a 32 point deficit to overcome. Shouldn't be too hard with Jaylen Hurts (QB) and Chris Goodiwn (WR) still to play. But it was. Hurts looked like he was playing hurt and Goodwin looked like he was calling Tom Brady to come back. The Nighthawks only needed three touchdowns between the pair of them and maybe 270 yards to make this a competition. But they came up short. In the first major upset of the year, the Boss team defeats the Helmand Nighthawks 136 - 128.

So lets take our first look at the table and see where we stand.

In the Surface Skimmers division the Australian Taipans sit out front at 3-0. One game behind them are the Banter Brigade at 2-1, one game back again at 1-2 are the Guns of Hochuli , and holding down the wooden spoon are the Drunk Monkeys at 0-3.

In the Sub Simmers division, the Boss team are also 3-0 and share the league lead. One game back from them at 2-1 are the Who Dat Nation, one more game back at 1-2 are the Black Cats, but all the finger pointing is being done at the Helmand Nighthawks who sit at the bottom of the division at 0-3. This is unprecedented in Nighthawk history, their worst start ever, and I would have to think long and hard for the last time that the Nighthawks lost 3 games in a row. But this is also one of the powerhouse teams of the league, who has the potential to put on a charge and finish as the number 1 seed - even from here.

Next week, we go back to Oregon where the Who Dat Nation Rises start as underdogs to the Guns of Hochuli. Unlike other leagues, there will be no "Toy Story" gamification of this match, or any other match. This is serious football folks, we don;t make stuff up.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

This one is a little weird this week. For the effort of 18 receptions for 215 yards, and...then passing 49 yards for 1 touchdown, for a total of 53.46 points, the Week Three MVT goes to Keenan Allen (WR) of the Australian Taipans.

[Gut Wrench]

NIGHTHAWKS SOAR ....TO 1-3
...leaving only one undefeated team?.

Week Four in the Subsim Fantasy Football League .... and finally, our past champion gets out of the cellar and begin their ascent with the first win. We'll tell you about which team fired the cannons loudly, which team slithered their way to a won and spank your red rump as we go around the grounds on the greatest football, never played.

....right after we tell you about the most important message you'll hear today.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

Game of the week and we were back in Oregon as the Who Dat Nation started as underdogs to the Guns of Hochuli. The Gunners, who have been a little slow this year to sound off, put that away with a rapid fire assault on the Nation home ground. Casualties abound as the Gunners not only ran for about six miles, they also went through the air for another couple of miles. The Nation, still carrying the Austin Eckler (RB) injury put their team on the shoulder of Justin Field (QB) but you can only carry a dead body so far before you drop it on the ground. With no support form the rest of the team the stadium began to empty early Sunday morning and the only people to see DK Metcalf (WR) were the janitorial staff. This one is a big score folks, the largest as the Gunners put the Who Dat Nation Rises in their place with a 177 - 91 point shellacking.


Across the county, our lowest scoring game of the weekend were the Black Cats hosting the Australian Taipans. the Taipans come into town as one of only two undefeated teams and they were luck to get out of town with the win. Franchise player Patrick Mahonnes (QB) didn't do enough and Tee Higgans (WR) stubbed a two after two catches leaving the door wide open for the cats to sneak in and steal the win. Cats were lead by Joe Burrow (QB) and this week we got the poor man's Joe Burrow who scored less point that tee Higgans (WR). In a race to see who could score the least number of points and win, the Australian Taipans barely hung on to win the game by 113 - 90.

In the upset game of the weekend, we have talked about this year after year - just how good could the Drunk Monkeys be if Coach Thad just showed up. The Monkeys, occupying the bottom of the ladder with 0 wins, welcomed the undefeated Boss team into town. The Bosses were ridding a three game winning streak into the second year and were looking for easy victory over the Monkeys - but not so fast pal, there are never any easy victories in the race to the Torpedo Bowl, especially when your QB gets sacked 10 times. The Monkeys put on a stellar performance swinging from player to player. King Derrick Henry (RB) showed that he still has the crown as he lead the scoring in a lopsided affair that has the bookmakers wondering whether the Boss Team really has the ability to make it to the final. In their first defeat of the year, the Boss Team looses out to the Drunk Monkeys 76-138.

After an abortion of a start to the season, the Helmand Nighthawks finally returned home last week to continue their losing ways. With week four occurring, the Nighthawks were already the subject of whispers as to whether they could return to form and make the playoffs from three games back, let alone dominate their division. With only one TD out of their entire wide receivers, it was left to Isiah Pacheo (RB) to command the running ground and secure the Nighthawks first, and most needed win of the season. Final score at Wembley, the Nighthawks hand the Banter brigade a lesson in football running over them to the tune of 172-126.

A quarter of the season is over and we've got a long way to go, but lets check the pace of our teams.

In the Surface Skimmers division the Australian Taipans remain undefeated at 4-0. The Guns of Hochuli and the banter Brigade sit at 2-2 each, with the Drunk Monkeys scoring their first win of the season to elevate them to.... 1-3.

In the Sub Simmers division, the Boss team sit alone at 3-1. The Who Dat Nation are a game back at 2-w, while the Helmand Nighthawks first win of the game propels them to 1-3 and 6th in the league. The Black cats are equal at 1-3 but drop to 8th in the league on for and against.

Next week, we go back to England for a top of the table battle as the Boss Team hosts the Australian Taipans. The Taipans start the week already underdogs with five players out, so we're expecting Coach Pioneer to make wholesale changes. The Bosses will be smarting from the shock loss to the Nighthawks and will be looking to put the Taipans away and claim an equal share of the #1 position.

Also, next weeks column may be a little late as the broadcast team will be attending the Monday night game.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

There was no doubt who it was going to be this week, with the second highest score of the league this year. For the effort of 106 rushing yards and 3 TD's, and 7 receptions for 78 yards and 1 TD, for a total of 54.70 points, the Week Four MVT goes to Cameron McCafferty of the Guns of Hochuli.