Pepe Manuel El Magnificent: A Tropico AAR (with lots of shiny pictures)

[Hottentot]

Preface: I remember seeing a Tropico thread here not too long ago, so I take it many of you know the game already. For those of you who don't, our friend Wikipedia is very helpful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tropico.


Basically, Tropico is a game where you get to be the dictator of your very own Caribbean island and exploit it and its inhabitants in any way you want. As those of you who have played the game know, Tropico can be full of nasty, weird and downright absurd situations with its moody little people and more or less unstable rulers. So I thought it might be a nice game of choice for a humorous after action report.


This is my first attempt at anything like this, so bear with me. I'm planning to divide this into parts with each part consisting of 10 game years plus this first part where I introduce the starting points. The length of the game is 50 years, so it shouldn't be ridiculously long, but enough to have something actually happen before the ending.


So, uh...enjoy, I guess. I'll let my awesome alter ego do the talking from now on.


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PART ONE: THE GLORIOUS BEGINNING


Buenos días! My name is Pepe Manuel. I'm the new El Presidente of the fine island of Tropico. In this autobiography of mine I will be describing the life and times of the most handsome and cunning fellow I have ever met, that is, me. This is also a story about how I turn the small poor island of Tropico into a prosperous happyland, charm beautiful señoritas, drink booze and make lots of money while letting everyone know how awesome I am. Sounds great, right? Of course it's great. Just like me. So keep reading. Maybe you will learn something and can one day be as awesome as me, yours truly, Pepe Manuel El Presidente.


Because most people of Tropico are illate...iletu...illuteriateria...CAN'T READ, I will also share with you many photos from my personal El Presidente Photoalbum.


So let us start. You know, I have always wondered how you should start things like this. Let's try something modest and original, just like I am as a person. So...


In the beginning I created the heavens and the earth.


This is me. I'm handsome. That's why the señoritas like me.


Before I became El Presidente, I used to work at a farm. In that sense I'm like that Jesus guy who also became savior of the world even though he was born in a barn. Then I got pissed off at the former El Presidentte Numero 283's repressive alcohol policy and decided to let him know about it. In that sense I am also like that Jesus person who wrote that Bible book. Mine is better, though.




OK, so it didn't work, because apparently El Presidentte Numero 283 couldn't read either. So I staged this rebellion with my great looks and awesome speeches.


Oh yeah, and then I promised free booze for everyone else too and the people wanted me to become the next El Presidente. Who am I to argue?


I am good at getting stuff done. I can arrange my liquor collection with a blindfold on!


I am also very good at finding new ways at charming señoritas.


I am a very social person too. People like me a lot. Well, except those buddies of that Jesus person. They got it all wrong. I am not anti-religion at all. The dude turned water into wine! He is, like, my idol! I want him here to tell me, how we can do that to that stupid useless sea that surrounds our fine island of Tropico.


And then of course, I am gorgeous, intelligent, big, strong, hard working, famous, modest and generally speaking awesome. But you already knew that, right?


This is our fine island of Tropico. I was born and raised here like most Tropicans. For some reason the rest of the world hasn't yet understood that we are the center of everything and they mostly ignore us. Well, that is going to change.


So, this is my empire. Let's take a closer look.


Uh...

OK, so in retrospect that torch and can of gasoline wasn't maybe such a hot idea after all. I had to make a point, it was a revolution! I was young and needed money!

This is my house. You can also see my fine neighborhood on the right. See, I'm a nice guy and let them live near my awesomeness. What more could they hope for?

As El Presidente, I must be able to do the most important things first. That's what El Presidentism For Dummies tells me. So I will start my career by correcting Tropico's most horrible mistake first.

Better. Now let's see what our glorious farms produce... (to be continued)

[Hottentot]

PART 2: THE FIRST STEPS

So: what do our fields produce at the moment?


Corn...



More corn...



AND YET MORE CORN! What is this?! Luckily for these dumb Tropicans I'm their leader now. So I make them produce something better for the greater glory of me.



Like sugar. Lots of it.


What do you mean "what are you going to eat"? You have sugar, you silly people. Eat cake!



I also decide to build some more farms as well as a bauxite mine while I'm at it.


After that I listen to the people. They tell me how great I am. However, they also whine that they don't want to live in cardboard boxes anymore. So be it. As the servant of the people, I decide to build them a house at least as fine as my own. I put in on the seashore. Nice view and they can fish from their own living rooms if they have a really long rod. What more could they hope for?



After the first year of my mighty rule we see that people love me. Of course they do.



Right. Next year Corazon Simpatico comes and tells me our mighty army of three soldiers has too low salary. I am very confused about this, since I don't pay them in the first place. However, I am a nice person and therefore promise to do something about it. I will double their salary.



The glorious workers of Tropico have finished the fine house on the seashore that I planned myself. See, I told you it would be very nice. But nice housing isn't enough. I know it, because I have a nice house and yet I feel I'm missing something important in my life as El Presidente. You know what this place needs?



More pubs! The people approve. However, my great pub building effort makes the friends of that Jesus person come to my doorstep and complain about sin this and damnation that and blah blah blah. In reality, with my sharp psychology skills I know that they are just jealous because they don't have a place of their own to play in.



I don't really care for it myself, but because I'm El Presidente of all the people, I decide to build them their own playground. I place it in a key place, truly the heart of Tropico.


I also saved them from having to think an appropriate name for the place.


Okay, fundies are happy for a while. I have some time to relax from smoking cigars and drinking booze, so I decide to take a walk in the nearby forest. There a very rude monkey tried to start a revolution of his own and threw me with a coconut. Me! El Presidente! That's it! As my first move in the field of international relations I am proud to announce that people's republic of Tropico is now officially at war with the dictatorship of Monkeystan! We shall triumph!



I start by making those sneaky little bastards fight like men instead of hiding in their trees. Die monkey!



Meanwhile the happy people of Tropico still live in cardboard boxes, so I build them more houses with the same plans. Why fix it if it isn't broken?



Hooray! The first pub of Tropico has officially opened! Celebrations are in order! Now we can finally get this state functioning properly!



I'm so happy that I build the people a way, so they can more easily walk to the pub. I decide to call it "El Presidente's Booze Avenue", because it sounds good.



Then I made an interesting discovery. Apparently as El Presidente I can also decide about laws and such in our fine island. I thought it was very boring but then my El Presidentism For Dummies informed me about Swiss bank accounts and I got interested. So as my first policy I am forced to increase the building costs a little, because the stupid capitalists in America can't protect their dollar (which El Presidente Numero 23 declared as the official currency of Tropico) from inflation. Life is tough.



That silly Corazon Simpatico comes complaining to me again. Frankly I didn't bother to listen this time.


Corazon's cousin Claudio had an accident in work. I had nothing to do with it. Honest.



This here is my diplomatic ministry. I use it to make the world better understand that Tropico is the center of the universe. I just wonder if I should be friend of the Russians or Americans.

[Hottentot]

A Russian ambassador, who had already heard of our fine pubs, visited me with some vodka from his homeland. It's amazing what you can do from simple potatoes, really! After a bottle I knew exactly whose friend I wanted to be.




However, the Americans weren't happy with my decisions. As a revenge they refused to bring me anymore of their cheap cigars. Well so what, I say! I'm El Presidente! I'm making my own cigars from now on! That camel was a dumb mascot anyway!





Our fine empire has grown!






However, the people also have become more sober after my welcoming party. They have suddenly invented democracy and decided that they want elections. Nonsense! Who could be better than me? No one, obviously, so I decide to humor their silly little request.




Meanwhile, after a few years of building pubs and other more important stuff, the fundies also get their playground. Maybe they will now stop whining.




Hmm, oops. I though when they said "Red Tide", they meant that a shipful of red wine from Spain had stranded on our shores and decided to go for a drink. Which reminds me, the fine island of Tropico doesn't have a doctor...




However, now we have a high school. I'm bored at all these dumb people around me.






The elections come. I arrange 25% of the people to oppose me just so it would look like a fair competetition. Anyway...




Of course I win...




...And throw a party again, so people like me more. My first ten years as El Presidente have been very glorious. And this is just the beginning.

[Dowly]

Hah, great AAR!

[TheBrauerHour]

This is different. I like it. Keep going!

[Hottentot]

Thanks for the feedback . I might do a few of these, if people like them. Then, like usual, I probably get tired of Tropico repeating itself even more than I do and bury it for another few months. But maybe then some other game shows potential for something similar. Writing this is fun.

Ahem. Onwards. After the wild election winning party...

------------------------------

PART 3: PROGRESS



Speaking of parties, why isn't "El Presidente's Booze Avenue" ready yet? It has been under construction for years, damn it! Can't you people see priority order in things?!


Oh well. While I wait, I decide to go outside innu...incage...inquu...I put El Presidente Numero 134's official "Definitely Not The El Presidente You Are Looking For" mask on and go outside to ask people what they think about me.




And not surprisingly right outside my porch I find a fundie. And not surprisingly she is complaining. What do you mean you don't have a church?! I just gave you one! Come, I'll show you!






Hmm. It appears my El Presidentism For Dummies forgot to tell me that to have a functioning church, I also need to purchase some priests to preach in there. Why weren't they included in the package, I'm just asking? Haven't you ever heard of those little figures that you collect and try to get a whole set? I thought this was the same. Some customer service...






Then to other problems. I'm sick of these illegal immigrants that keep moving to my island. Every other person here is John or Judy these days. So I build an immigration office and tell them that only smart and educated immigrants are welcome. That should effectively keep them out.






Hooray! Cigar factory is finally ready! Down with the American oppression!


But guess what this place really needs. Like, really really. Like really really really with extra cream and cherry on the top?






BOOZE FACTORY! I also told them to build a personal suite in there for me. I'm packing my stuff as we speak. I think I'll give my old house to those silly people living in cardboard boxes.






After that I build a college. I don't know what I need it for, but I like that funny little tower on the left. And it cost a lot, so I had to pay some extra Swiss Bank Account taxes for it too.






A short while after that my close advisor told me that Tropico is a fine island, but it doesn't yet have a magical invention called electricity. I asked what we need it for and he told me that people would like to enjoy things such as television, movies, radio and other that kind of stuff. I thought it was ridiculous. What do they need those things for when they can simply come and listen to me give them speeches?


I sacked that advisor because of an unrelated case of him spelling Bourbon wrong on his official announcement on behalf of me. Then I invented electricity and decided that we need something like that on Tropico too. So I build a coal fueled electricity plant.


I'm currently planning marvelous things like you haven't ever seen of. Like a box that speaks and a picture that lives and another box where a funny small man lives and tells you next day's weather. Imagine that!






However, my little coal plant also earns me a new friend. Susana de la Concha comes complaining that the environment is horrible and demands me to do something about it. I look out of the window and agree with her. There is indeed something missing.






Yes, we definitely need more statues of me around here. Thanks for the heads up, Susana.








This nonsense again?! I thought it was just a joke for the first time. Sigh. Fine, we'll have your funny little election game. I'm not really sure what those shiny graphs on the right mean, but they can't be too important. Now back to the important business...



Namely booze. My fine booze factory has made some very tasty rum from the sugar I told my people to grow...






But for some reason those dumb stuff carrying people who always complain about their low wages have brought the boxes to completely wrong address!! And they wonder why I don't appreciate their work. Now I have to come up with a master plan to bring the rum to the correct place.






Hey! What are you doing with my booze?!






No, not there! No! Bad dockworker person, no! NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!






NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! !!!!!!!!


You idiots! You imbeciles! You traitors! Enemies of the people!! I would imprison you if I could afford a prison! I will...I will...I...I...






...Ooo, money...Okay, I'll imprison you once I have spent this money on the booze you just sold away. Off you go.