A humo(u)r Thread Just For Dowly

[nikimcbee]

As a powerful member of the subsim dept of Humorous threads and other such silly things; I here-by create this "Humo(u)r Thread" just for the Dowly and other oppressed minorities here at subsim.

Let the mayhem begin.

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous! And I think she's a flight attendant...but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Hmm, no, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again; "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!"
This time the woman looked at him, irritated, and screamed "What the $%#! do you want?!"
The man slumped back in his chair, and said: "Ahh, Finnair..."

A young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about Finnish soldiers returning from the Winter War. Interviewing one infantry-man, Jussi, she asked
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I screwed my wife," Jussi replied bluntly.
The journalist went red, and tried to change the subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I screwed her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red.
"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"I took off my skis and had a beer."

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies
"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies
"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!
"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.
"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

My mate Santtu was sitting in the pub with a yellowish drink in front of him.
I asked "Oh, are you having a Jaloiviina, mate?"
"No" he replied, "It's whiskey - I'm working tomorrow."

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.
"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."
"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.
"Could I see him?"
So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes, I will," says the genie.
So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

A Norwegian and a Swede were at the movie theatre, and the Norwegian bet that the hero would die during the movie. The Swede didn't believe him, and they ended up betting 100 Kroner on it. When the movie was over and the hero was dead, the Swede began to give the money to the Norwegian, but the Norwegian interrupted him "I already saw the movie, so I knew he was going to die. Keep the money." The Swede replied, "oh, I also saw the movie before, but I didn't think he would be tricked twice."

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

[FIREWALL]

:rotfl:

[Frame57]

[Dowly]

[AVGWarhawk]

Top Ten Signs Your Ferret Has Learned Your Internet Password


10. E-Mail flames come in from some guy named "Bandit".
9. Traces of kitty litter or cedar chips appear in your keyboard.
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.rec.fuzzy.butts.
7. Your web browser has a new home page added to the Bookmarks section: <HTTP: www.weasel.com
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a faintly pleasant aroma of Ferretone on it.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog"
appear in your Eudora OutBox.
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange, musky territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like FuzzInTax and WarWhoop II.
2. On IRC you're suddenly known as the IronHooter.
1. You find little ferret-sized carpal-tunnel braces in the cage,
near the food dish.

[FIREWALL]

Originally Posted by AVGWarhawk

Top Ten Signs Your Ferret Has Learned Your Internet Password


10. E-Mail flames come in from some guy named "Bandit".
9. Traces of kitty litter or cedar chips appear in your keyboard.
8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.rec.fuzzy.butts.
7. Your web browser has a new home page added to the Bookmarks section: <HTTP: www.weasel.com
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a faintly pleasant aroma of Ferretone on it.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog"
appear in your Eudora OutBox.
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange, musky territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like FuzzInTax and WarWhoop II.
2. On IRC you're suddenly known as the IronHooter.
1. You find little ferret-sized carpal-tunnel braces in the cage,
near the food dish.

And those aren't raisans on your desk.

[nikimcbee]

[bookworm_020]

[Jimbuna]

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on tantric sex.

“We ordered it six months ago”, said the librarian. “But it’s taking a long time coming.”

[AVGWarhawk]

[AVGWarhawk]

The Ferret

A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting with a ferret. The guy seems to be stroking it rather lovingly. The first guy asks him, 'Why are you stroking that ferret?
He replies, 'Well my friend, the ferret gives the best head in the world. 'Bull****, theres no way a ferret can do that.'
'Go try yourself.'
So the first guy takes the ferret and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes pass and suddenly there's banging and moaning and screaming coming from the bathroom. The first guy comes out, stroking the ferret lovingly and looks at the second guy. 'I will give you $1000, for this ferret.'
The second guy thinks about it for a little while and then nods. 'Alright, a thousand dollars it is.'
The guy takes the ferret home. He places it on the table in front of his wife and tells her the story. She looks at him in amazement, 'What am I supposed to do with a $1000 ferret?', she asks.

'Teach it to cook and get the hell out!'