thursday funny

jumpy · 11-09-06, 09:23 AM

>> Subject: The tale of the Squirrel and the Grasshopper
>>
>>
>>
>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
>>building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>>
>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
>>the summer away.
>>
>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
>>
>> The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
>>the cold.
>>
>> ____________________THE END____________________
>>
>> THE BRITISH VERSION:
>>
>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
>>building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>>
>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
>>the summer away.
>>
>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
>>
>> A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
>>conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
>>be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
>>grasshopper, are cold and starving.
>>
>> The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
>>grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
>>warm home with a table laden with food.
>>
>> The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in
>>a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
>>while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
>>and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
>>
>> The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
>>with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
>>Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
>>McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of
>>grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to
>>make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
>>
>> In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
>>Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
>>to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
>>He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
>>builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
>>for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
>>
>> The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
>>furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
>>socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to
>>the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
>>
>> Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
>>imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
>>building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
>>utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
>>hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country
>>of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport
>>because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
>>
>> The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
>>and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police
>>fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves
>>to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
>>feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
>>scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
>>
>> A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
>>squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
>>house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
>>maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
>>government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
>>
>> The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
>>since arrival in UK.
>>
>> The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
>>burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
>>released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
>>He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
>>
>> Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
>>
>> A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
>>state the obvious, is set up.
>>
>> Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
>>grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
>>increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
>>enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
>>the government for failing to befriend the cats.
>>
>> The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
>>press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
>>root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
>>experience of prison.
>> They call for the resignation of a minister.
>>
>> The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
>>infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
>>the United Kingdom.
>>
>> The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
>>the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
>>their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
>>for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond
>>65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

Kapitan · 11-09-06, 09:50 AM

That sounds about right to be bluntly honest

STEED · 11-09-06, 09:53 AM

Sounds like life under the Labour Government.

jumpy, nice one.:rotfl: :rotfl:

Kapitan · 11-09-06, 10:02 AM

I voted conservative in the last election and the BNP got in to power in my area, in the main election i will be voting conservative we need another churchill though !

STEED · 11-09-06, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kapitan

we need another churchill though !

STEED reaches for his cigar "Hmmm, may be" takes a puff on the cigar "We shall fight this evil known as Tony Blair and his PC Madness, we will never give in."

The Noob · 11-09-06, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by STEED

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kapitan

we need another churchill though !

STEED reaches for his cigar "Hmmm, may be" takes a puff on the cigar "We shall fight this evil known as Tony Blair and his PC Madness, we will never give in."

"The only thing that ever really frightened me during the war was the PC peril". :rotfl:

StdDev · 11-09-06, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by STEED

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kapitan

we need another churchill though !

STEED reaches for his cigar "Hmmm, may be" takes a puff on the cigar "We shall fight this evil known as Tony Blair and his PC Madness, we will never give in."

You not the Clement Atlee type?

A modest man, who has much to be modest about

STEED · 11-09-06, 03:07 PM

Up Yours, only joking.

StdDev · 11-09-06, 10:09 AM

Dammm! Can I move to Anglicland? sounds sweeeeeeet!
What do ya think Steed? would they let me in? would it help if they found out me mum was a brummie?

STEED · 11-09-06, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StdDev

Dammm! Can I move to Anglicland? sounds sweeeeeeet!
What do ya think Steed? would they let me in? would it help if they found out me mum was a brummie?

How it's cool with me.

TteFAboB · 11-09-06, 10:47 AM

:rotfl: Good one, jumpy.

11-09-06, 09:23 AM	#1
jumpy Admiral Join Date: May 2003 Location: Midlands, UK Posts: 2,139 Downloads: 22 Uploads: 0	thursday funny >> Subject: The tale of the Squirrel and the Grasshopper >> >> >> >> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, >>building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. >> >> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays >>the summer away. >> >> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. >> >> The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in >>the cold. >> >> ____________________THE END____________________ >> >> THE BRITISH VERSION: >> >> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, >>building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. >> >> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays >>the summer away. >> >> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. >> >> A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press >>conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to >>be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the >>grasshopper, are cold and starving. >> >> The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering >>grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable >>warm home with a table laden with food. >> >> The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in >>a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer >>while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights >>and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. >> >> The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill >>with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We >>Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor >>McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of >>grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to >>make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London. >> >> In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the >>Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive >>to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. >>He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as >>builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine >>for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. >> >> The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to >>furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be >>socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to >>the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. >> >> Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly >>imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start >>building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and >>utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had >>hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country >>of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport >>because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. >> >> The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking >>and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police >>fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves >>to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was >>feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a >>scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. >> >> A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the >>squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council >>house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to >>maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate >>government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. >> >> The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment >>since arrival in UK. >> >> The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a >>burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but >>released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. >>He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. >> >> Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. >> >> A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and >>state the obvious, is set up. >> >> Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for >>grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is >>increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for >>enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by >>the government for failing to befriend the cats. >> >> The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the >>press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the >>root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic >>experience of prison. >> They call for the resignation of a minister. >> >> The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were >>infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in >>the United Kingdom. >> >> The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, >>the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on >>their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay >>for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond >>65 because of a shortfall in government funds. __________________ when you’ve been so long in the desert, any water, no matter how brackish, looks like life

11-09-06, 09:50 AM	#2
Kapitan Sub Test Pilot Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: UK + Canada Posts: 7,132 Downloads: 77 Uploads: 7	That sounds about right to be bluntly honest __________________ DONT FORGET if you like a post to nominate it by using the blue diamond Find out about Museum Ships here: https://www.museumships.us/ Flickr for all my pictures: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131313936@N03/ Navy general board articles: https://www.navygeneralboard.com/author/aegis/

11-09-06, 09:53 AM	#3
STEED Lucky Jack Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Down Town UK Posts: 27,695 Downloads: 89 Uploads: 48	Sounds like life under the Labour Government. jumpy, nice one.:rotfl: :rotfl: __________________ Dr Who rest in peace 1963-2017. To borrow Davros saying...I NAME YOU CHIBNALL THE DESTROYER OF DR WHO YOU KILLED IT!

11-09-06, 10:02 AM	#4
Kapitan Sub Test Pilot Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: UK + Canada Posts: 7,132 Downloads: 77 Uploads: 7	I voted conservative in the last election and the BNP got in to power in my area, in the main election i will be voting conservative we need another churchill though ! __________________ DONT FORGET if you like a post to nominate it by using the blue diamond Find out about Museum Ships here: https://www.museumships.us/ Flickr for all my pictures: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131313936@N03/ Navy general board articles: https://www.navygeneralboard.com/author/aegis/

11-09-06, 03:07 PM	#8
STEED Lucky Jack Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Down Town UK Posts: 27,695 Downloads: 89 Uploads: 48	Up Yours, only joking. __________________ Dr Who rest in peace 1963-2017. To borrow Davros saying...I NAME YOU CHIBNALL THE DESTROYER OF DR WHO YOU KILLED IT!

11-09-06, 10:09 AM	#9
StdDev Legend of the Sea Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: the Great Wet North Posts: 635 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Dammm! Can I move to Anglicland? sounds sweeeeeeet! What do ya think Steed? would they let me in? would it help if they found out me mum was a brummie?

11-09-06, 10:47 AM	#11
TteFAboB Admiral Join Date: Oct 2004 Posts: 2,247 Downloads: 4 Uploads: 0	:rotfl: Good one, jumpy. __________________ "Tout ce qui est exagéré est insignifiant." ("All that is exaggerated is insignificant.") - Talleyrand