Oh, Crap! Moscow Mulls Terrorist-Proof Toilets

[Feuer Frei!]

It’s a problem we’ve all faced. You enter a public restroom, recline for an afternoon constitutional and suddenly that dreadful, awful fear strikes you in the pit of your stomach: Is this bathroom fully protected against the planet’s most disturbing individuals? Fear not, for Russia’s terrorist-proof toilet may soon allow you to unburden yourself in peace and security.
The high art of security theater — measures that look and feel reassuring but lack substance — may have been perfected in the United States with our get-naked airport scanners and questionable equipment purchases. But it’s not an exclusively American phenomenon. Moscow Times reports that Moscow city officials are mulling over the idea of installing public toilets that can withstand terrorist attacks. The makers say the johns are made of a super-strong fibrous concrete that can hold up even after a bomb explodes inside. With the counterterror commode, the only bombs that will threaten the public are the ones you drop yourself.
The very fact that they’re publicly known to be bomb-proof pretty much ensures that bombs will be detonated elsewhere. (Note: The first lesson of bathroom counterterrorism is do not talk about bathroom counterterrorism). Moreover, the terrorists attacking Russia have often opted for suicide bombs detonated on their person in crowded places. Hardening toilets against a leave-behind bomb in a toilet isn’t likely to do much against that kind of threat. As Russia’s Moscow News reminds us, these commodes do help Russia’s boss-for-life Vladimir Putin hew to the letter of his solemn pledge against terrorists. “If we find them in a toilet, we’ll kill them in the outhouse.”


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