thursday funny

[jumpy]

>> Subject: The tale of the Squirrel and the Grasshopper
>>
>>
>>
>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
>>building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>>
>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
>>the summer away.
>>
>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
>>
>> The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
>>the cold.
>>
>> ____________________THE END____________________
>>
>> THE BRITISH VERSION:
>>
>> The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
>>building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
>>
>> The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays
>>the summer away.
>>
>> Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
>>
>> A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
>>conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to
>>be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
>>grasshopper, are cold and starving.
>>
>> The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
>>grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
>>warm home with a table laden with food.
>>
>> The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in
>>a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer
>>while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
>>and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
>>
>> The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill
>>with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We
>>Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor
>>McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of
>>grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to
>>make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
>>
>> In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
>>Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive
>>to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
>>He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
>>builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
>>for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
>>
>> The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
>>furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
>>socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to
>>the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
>>
>> Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
>>imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
>>building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
>>utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had
>>hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country
>>of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport
>>because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
>>
>> The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
>>and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police
>>fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves
>>to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
>>feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
>>scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
>>
>> A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
>>squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
>>house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
>>maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
>>government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
>>
>> The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment
>>since arrival in UK.
>>
>> The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
>>burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
>>released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
>>He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
>>
>> Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
>>
>> A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and
>>state the obvious, is set up.
>>
>> Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
>>grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
>>increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
>>enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
>>the government for failing to befriend the cats.
>>
>> The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the
>>press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the
>>root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic
>>experience of prison.
>> They call for the resignation of a minister.
>>
>> The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
>>infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
>>the United Kingdom.
>>
>> The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
>>the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
>>their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay
>>for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond
>>65 because of a shortfall in government funds.