2024 Subsim Fantasy Football

[Gut Wrench]

IN IT'S 15TH YEAR, IT BEGINS...


Are you ready for some (make believe) football?

All right bitches, get ready for 17 of the most frustrating weeks you can ever imagine. Summer will be done and its time to get dirty on 4th and 25 and make believe your season can last longer than Aaron Rodgers Achilles heel (or his relationship with Danica Patrick.)


Yes, its time for some freaking Fantasy Football.


So we got some things we need to let you know about this year. With the American Labor Day holiday being Monday September 2 2024, the Commissioner is taking us....


to the Terceira Mar Hotel, on the Azores Island.






...and at $3000 a night, we now know where all that hard earned championship money that Pioneer won last year went.


With the Labor day holiday falling early this year, that mean that Draft day is Saturday 31 August, 2024, at 0800 PDT. (USA Time)

That's an early draft day this year so don't get left behind because YOU didn't pre select your team before taking a flight.


The league is accepting expansion teams until August 30 2024, after which the league will be locked...and you'll have to buy your own tickets to see if the Drunk Monkeys can once again show they are the best damm 2-25 team in the world.

If you think you've big enough (foot) balls to go against the Best of Subsim, you want learn how to play, or you're just looking to get written about each week in the post match reports, click on the link and get ready to play fantasy football.

2024 Subsim Fantasy Football League.

[Gut Wrench]

IT'S DRAFT DAY...


Are you ready for some (make believe) football?

...and the first surprise of the year happens even before we get tot he draft.


Coach Casey has a new team.


Coach Casey has moved on from the the Guns of Hochuli and taken on a new team, Wasted Potential.


In a little over an hour, we'll see how the former Gunners coach and the new team performs.

[Gut Wrench]

DRAFT RESULTS...


Are you ready for some (make believe) football?

...and the first shocker of the year has already dropped.


The banter brigade has the first pick of the draft, but it was the Who Dat Nation who came out of the draft with the best looking team, predicted to win the championship this year.


But it was the fifth pick of the draft that shocked everyone. The Australian Taipans, the defending champions, selected....Brandon Aiyuk (WR)...and he wasn't even the best wide receiver.


We learned after the draft that the Taipans were on the clock for their first pick, expecting to take a RB. They were lining up their subsequent picks when they placed Aiyuk in the cue for their third pick...and inadvertently selected Aiyuk as their first pick. It was all over for the season as far as the Taipans were concerned, unable to recover with positional players, forced to forgo probably a top tier RB and and top tier WR. While they did recover to select a top tier QB, their draft was already looking like a dogs breakfast. On the draft results, the Taipans, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) are predicted to only win three (3) games this year - if they're lucky.


The season kicks off next Thursday and we'll be there at all the grounds as we cover every error committed both on an off the field.

[Gut Wrench]

MONKEYS SILENCE THE BANTER
...and share the lead..

Week One in the Subsim Fantasy Football League...and don't look now, but the best damm 2-12 team in the league, the Monkeys have an equal share of the league.

And at the other end of the toilet bowl, the defending champions are already in trouble.

How do your favorite fake team do. Stand by, for we have all the details, right after this important message.

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The Helmand Nighthawks kick off the season with the local derby against the Boss Brigade - on the shortest "away" game of the season. (They took a London bus.) Lamar Jackson (QB) started the season hot putting up 32 points, and when CJ Stroud (QB) only put up 20 points for the Nighthawks, it was looking like a loss. Welcome to the field Tyree Hill (WR) and Saquan Barkley (RB) who just decimated the Bosses. In what was predicted to be a modest scoring game, the Nighthawks came out and showed they are the team to beat by putting up the highest score of the week. In the end it wasn't even close as the Helmand Nighthawks scorched the Banter Brigade 181 - 138.

The Banter Brigade had the first pick of the draft,where they choose Christian McCaffrey (RB) but it does you no good if he calls in sick at 4.30pm on Monday afternoon. The Banter were at home at Twickenham hosting the Drunk Monkeys in what became one of the best games of the weekend. Banter were out early with Kansas City (DEF) but when the Marvin Harrison Junior (WR) made his debut scoring 1 point, they were in trouble. The Monkeys had Jordy Love (QB) go out early with injury to put the win in jeopardy, but when McCaffrey called in sick, and no relief available, the game was handed to Coach Thad.Drunk Monkeys topple the Banter Brigade 128 - 70.

"Hell, yeah," he said after the game. "We're going to the playoffs."

Steady Thad, its still Week One.

At the other end, the most disappointing game of the week were the defending champions, the Australian Taipans hosting the new expansion team, the Wasted Potential. The Taipans are still reeling from from a "costume malfunction" during the draft and barely made the field. Their only bright spot was Jayden Waddle (WR) who save them from being spat on. The Waste just showed up, went through their bowel motions and did just enough to get the win. The only bright spot for the Taipans is that the waiver wire opens this week. Final score in Australia, Wasted Potential defeats Australian Taipans 119 - 97.

It's Week One and we're already rewriting this column. Twice. In Oregon, the Who Dat Nation were hosting the Black cats. Josh Allen (QB) did his usual magic given the nation a hefty 32 points, the Cats responded with every member of their team scoring double point. On Monday night, the Cats still had the Jets (DEF) to play. Dallas (DEF) had already given the Nation 17 points so this was going to be a line ball call. Jets (DEF) gave up more points than expected and the lead for the Cats started to dwindle. A stop of 3rd and 3, forcing a punt, stopped the scoring hemorrhage. And in time too. You can have the best draft but it's the W's that count, and this week the W went to the Black cats who squeak out a victory 141.22 - 139.58. Less than 2 points. Wow.

So where does that leave us at the end of Week 1, half the teams are 1-0, the other half are 0-1. Next week we go to Pearland to see the Wasted Potential host the Drunk Monkeys.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

We've had some big individual scores on opening day. For the effort of 109 yards for 2 touchdowns, 2 receptions for 23 yards and 1 touchdown, for a total of 39.20 points, the Week One MVT goes to Sequan Barcley (RB) of the Helmand Nighthawks.

[Gut Wrench]

THRILLER IN PEARLAND
...not so in Oregon.

Week Two in the Subsim Fantasy Football League...and we have our second rewrite of the year. And it came on our match the day, and she was a thriller.

We'll give all the fake football news you can handle, , right after this important message.



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Opening Day in the Carolina's as the Black Cats were hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. Both team coming off wins in week with a potential for sole leadership of the league. Nighthawks played their exceptionally consistent game with Debo Samuel (WR) leading the team with 24 points. Wasn't helped by the rest of the receiving corp and this left the way open for The Cats to capitalize. Even with AJ Brown (WR) out, the due of duo of Devonte Adams (WR) and Nico Collins (WR) put up over 65 points. With Samuel (WR) going down late in the game (now confirmed out for four weeks) Coach FYC was able to roll his team to an equal share of the league lead. Final score in Carolina, The Black Cats defeat the Helmand Nighthawks 131 - 117.


It was a long trip to Twickenham for the Australian Taipans and frankly, they should have stayed home. Even with Christina McCaffrey (RB) being declared out for four weeks, the Taipans receiving copy didn't put up a single touchdown or 100 yards. Marvin Harrison Junior (WR) for the Banter put up more points than the entire Taipans wide receivers. Taipans only highlight was Isiah Pacheco (RB) who promptly broke his leg prior to reaching 100 yards. This one wasn't even close as the Taipans slip further into the toilet bowl by yielding an easy win - and they should consider themselves lucky the Banter didn't play Alvin Kamara (RB) who sat on the bench for 50 points. Banter Brigade bring the cheer defeating the Taipans 130 - 115.


Wrestling for the bottom of the toilet bowl the Who Dat Nation were hosting the Boss team in Oregon. While both teams lost in week one, they did so with reasonable scoring and plenty of touchdowns. Not as impressive as last week, both teams left one (1) player off the field so this was going to come down to one other player. For the Bosses, it was James Cook (RB) - not the explorer, who had a total of three 93) touchdowns. The Boss Team get a win on the road in Oregon defeating Coach Fuel For Blood 128 - 112.

Our match of the day was a beauty with the score alternating back and forth. The expansion team of Wasted Potential has their first home game of the year as the Drunk Monkeys came to town. The Monkeys looked super impressive last week, despite not having a QB, and this week they arrived without another QB. Not to be concerned, Coach Casey being with a new team started both Drake London (WR) and Philadelphia (DEF). Turns out that was right combination as the lead change five (5) times int he last thirty (30) minutes on Monday night. This one went down to the wire folks and it wasn't until London crossed for a touchdown that the Waste finally out some space. if only all games were as good as this one. Final score to a raucous crowd in Texas, the Waster Potential defeat the Drunk Monkeys

133 - 125.

So lets run down the board and see where we are two weeks into the season.

The Black Cats and the Wasted Potential sit atop the board at 2-0 each. Right behind them at 1-1 are a flock of team, the Helmand Nighthawks, the Drunk Monkeys, the Boss team and the Banter Brigade. Occupying the cellar are the Who Dat Nation Rises and the Australian Taipans.

Next week we go to the Carolina's for our match of the day as the Black Cats host the visiting Boss team. The Cats can't stake a claim for sole possession of the #1 seed while the Bosses have to regain some ground to the divisional rivals.

And we'll be there for every snap of every game....and based on the top five picks in the draft all now being injured, the next domino to fall.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

There were some great candidates for this week. For the effort of4 receptions for 129 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 35.00 points, the Week Two MVT goes to Marvin Harrison Junior (WR) of the Banter Brigade.

[Gut Wrench]

WASTED POTENIAL
...the last standing undefeated.

Week Three in the Subsim Fantasy Football League...and is this the most offensive year of football ever? I watched seven hours of of football and replays yesterday, and this time last year, we had teams scoring 160, 170, even a 200 point score. This year, this week, we had four (4) teams score less than 100.

Enough with the bitching, let's look at this week games, after we look at this.


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Black Cats got to stay at home for two weeks in a row and were our match of the day. In something resembling a retirement home afternoon nap, the Cats are the first team this week that didn't have a wide receiver score a touchdown. The Bosses were marginally better with both Jamar Chase (WR) and Garret Wilson (WR) crossing for scored, but the Bosses were barely able to crack the 100 point barrier. In a game where no one wanted to win, the Black Cats should have forfeited - they would have achieved the same result. Boss team comes in and defeats the Black Cats in a low scoring 115 - 85.


Speaking of low scores, how about them Drunk Monkeys. At home they had the opportunity to put the defending Torpedo Bowl champion down 0-3, basically, if they showed up. But they didn't. Not even the Taipans receiving corp scoring 0 touchdowns helped the Monkeys get the victory this week. In a case of "how low can you go" The Australian Taipans slither to their first win of the season to defeat the Monkeys 94 - 88.


Banter Brigade were hosting the Wasted Potential of Coach Casey this week. With McCaffrey (RB) still out of the Brigade with injury, this was an easy coast to victory by the Waste - they didn't need Derek Henry (RB) to blow through the Banter scoring 36 points. The Banter are in trouble with the star RB out of action allowing the waste to claim another easy victory. Wasted Potential blow out the Banter 138 - 88.


The only match that was worth watching was the Who Dat Nation hosting the Helmand Nighthawks. The Nighthawks and the Who Dat Nation are traditionally the powerhouse teams of the Sub Simmers league but this year they're struggling to get going. But, it's week three and for the third week, we've had rewrite this column as the complexion of the game changed Monday Night. The Nation were 0-2 on the season and 40 points behind on the scoreboard before Josh Allen (QB) took to the field. Allen (QB) put on a clinical display while the Nighthawks kicker, McPherson, was scoring more points than Tee Higgins. This was a nail biter of a game, easily the best game of the week and the season so far. (Perhaps there is hope for the rest of the league.) With Josh Allen (QB) at 38 points, Coach Fuel For Blood pulled him form the game, I thought, maybe too early. I was right. Tee Higgins (WR) did barely enough to give the Helmand Nighthawks the win by the narrowest margin of the week. Final score, the Helmand Nighthawks defeat the Who Dat Nation Rises 110.52 - 109.92, a gap of 0.5


So let's check the board and see what happened.


At 3-0, Wasted Potential sit at the top of the league with sole ownership, being the last undefeated team. After that it gets a little murky. The win by the Bosses over the Black Cats has both teams at 2-1 sharing with the Helmand Nighthawks. Behind them, Drunk Monkeys, Taipans and the Banter all sit at 1-2, and the Who Dat Nation is alone in the cellar at 0-3.


Next week we go to Wembley for our match of the day as the Helmand Nighthawks host the Drunk Monkeys. While billed as battle of 1-2 teams, there's a lot closer on paper than one might expect. With both teams at 1-2, there's a lot on the line here, even this early int he season.

And provided we have no more injuries decimating teams, it wants to be a better week than this.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

Looking aorund there were probably three candidates for this week, maybe four. But there can only be one. For the effort of 6 receptions for 118 yards and 2 touchdowns, for a total of 35.80 points, the Week Three MVT goes to Jamar Chaser (WR) of the Boss Team.



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