Teenager help!

[raymond6751]

I'm Dad to a 19 yr old who hates me. He refuses to help out at home and just plays vid games. (He also hates sub games and WW2 especially...because I like them.)

He is working, part-time, but when home won't do anything but sit at his screens. He has all the consoles and a PC, bought since he started working.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

I won't boot him out, decision already made. We haven't come to blows. It is just silence between us now.

Any ideas?

[Jeff-Groves]

Originally Posted by raymond6751

I'm Dad to a 19 yr old who hates me. He refuses to help out at home and just plays vid games. (He also hates sub games and WW2 especially...because I like them.)

He is working, part-time, but when home won't do anything but sit at his screens. He has all the consoles and a PC, bought since he started working.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

I won't boot him out, decision already made. We haven't come to blows. It is just silence between us now.

Any ideas?

Grow a set and put him out on his own! He knows he owns you and it seems you let him.

[Schroeder]

I'm not much of a counselor and as someone who can't come to terms with his own life my advice might be worthless (and it's 2 a.m. over here...)but have you ever figured out why your son hates you? I mean he must have a reason for that feeling. If you don't know maybe you should ask him directly for the reason and what you BOTH can do about it. Booting him might destroy your relationship forever so I would safe that one as last resort (but still an option).

[Armistead]

My son is 18 and probably would sit playing video games all day if we let him. Thankfully he got into fencing last year and is fencing great his Sr. year, so that helps...and we have kept him doing other things as much as possible. Still, weekends, he'll stay up all night doing that...I read internet is like a drug addiction to many, take it away, it's like taking away their drug...

The problem is it is already a habit that should've been dealt with long ago and at his age, gonna be hard to get change without a brawl...If you're married, you and your wife got to be a team dealing with it...If he has mama on his side, you're in trouble....

Try to find things you both like to do and can do together and let him know you want to do things with him still.

I have the internet set up where I can cut it off to any pc in my bedroom, it gets cut off at his bedtime cept Friday and Sat. Still, he ain't allowed to sleep all day..

Don't be mean and don't respond with anger to his anger, but be firm. Does he have chores, does he help with bills...Demand responsibility or tell him if he wants to make his decisions and do what he wants....there's the door.

Start making life uncomfortable for him, like that movie, let him wash his clothes, cook for himself, etc..

My dad had a rule for us, we didn't have a bedtime, in fact, we could stay up late as we wanted every night, but we were getting up at 6AM.....

Regardless, he's 19. When we were that age, we were ready to leave home and go find our way in the world. Heck, I moved out at 18 the summer after high school.

[Buddahaid]

He's an adult and I know you love him but make him pay rent or find another house. Nineteen is far too old to act like a four year old.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Schroeder

I'm not much of a counselor and as someone who can't come to terms with his own life my advice might be worthless (and it's 2 a.m. over here...)but have you ever figured out why your son hates you? I mean he must have a reason for that feeling. If you don't know maybe you should ask him directly for the reason and what you BOTH can do about it. Booting him might destroy your relationship forever so I would safe that one as last resort (but still an option).

This

Talk to him but more importantly, listen to him. Really listen. The proper ratio should be 99% listening, 1% talking and 0% judging. It may take a few tries so expect to totally fail the first few times. But if a relationship with your son is important to you, it will be worth it.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

Translation: you passive-aggressively tried to take control away from him, taking the decision out of his hands and using something external to get your point across. . And you were expecting exactly what type of response? I gotta be harsh, but that was not the way to handle it. You kinda made the problem worse as you have fostered a sense of resentment in your son.

I would start by apologizing for that. That is a good way to start the discussion. Besides apologizing to him will really confuse him.

Good luck with it.

[raymond6751]

I appreciate the response, guys. Some good points.

I made mistakes earlier, trying to be too demanding and too critical in his early teen years. Too late I learned that he was in a depression, and I was contributing to it. He had a hard time in high school, trouble making friends.

He got professional help then, as I did for a work-related exhaustion. The damage was done, and the silence began.

I'm afraid he may be back into a depression, but can do nothing about it. My suggestions about talking to the doctor again are turned down flat. Being an adult now, I cannot make him get help.

The good news is that he doesn't drink, take drugs, or go out. In fact, he isn't any "trouble" at all, just stuck to his gaming. He takes his meals back to his desk!

He pays rent and a portion of the groceries bill. The issue is just that he does nothing whatever and does not want to do anything.

I'm alone, as my wife passed when he was only four.

[Wolferz]

Originally Posted by raymond6751

I'm Dad to a 19 yr old who hates me. He refuses to help out at home and just plays vid games. (He also hates sub games and WW2 especially...because I like them.)

He is working, part-time, but when home won't do anything but sit at his screens. He has all the consoles and a PC, bought since he started working.

I tried cutting out the Internet for 24 hrs to "prompt" him about doing some clean-up. He blew his stack and still did nothing.

I won't boot him out, decision already made. We haven't come to blows. It is just silence between us now.

Any ideas?

It sounds like he could use some professional counseling. Or at least some educating on the matter of who pays the bills and shows responsibility for keeping up the home. He needs to know that your responsibility for his care ended when he turned eighteen. Try to express your disappointment in his actions without being hateful about it.

I would try sitting down and playing one of his games with him to show some interest in his interests but, then cut it short with the need to get some work done.
Other than that, you can only lead by example. But, don't allow him to lead you around by the nose.

[Jimbuna]

Some seriously excellent advice on here IMHO so only one thing I would add...

He must be taught to understand that there are consequences for his actions, we all have them but how you go about it I wouldn't like to suggest not having witnessed his behaviour patterns personally.

Looking at previous posts in this thread it looks like all the options are laid out but only you can choose what you believe is the correct method.

I wish you and your son every success in the days ahead.

[swamprat69er]

IF you have firearms in the house, get rid of them. Way too many depressed kids have used firearms as a solution to their depression.

[Wolferz]

I'm afraid he may be back into a depression, but can do nothing about it. My suggestions about talking to the doctor again are turned down flat. Being an adult now, I cannot make him get help.

Sorry to hear about your wife passing. It could be the root of his problems.

As a single father of two after my wife bailed out, I required my children to assist in their own care.
I gave them chores to do and there was always a negative consequence for non-compliance. I used the old carrot on a stick method. I moved us to a different city for work and took them home for the weekends to visit their friends. If the housework and laundry weren't done by the time I arrived home on Friday evening the trip would be delayed while I got things caught up around the house. It didn't take them long to realize their errors and they were always ready to go after a short while.
I also sat the two of them down with me one evening while I paid the bills. That way they could see what it costs to live. It opened their eyes.

FAST FORWARD...
To wife 2.0 who lost her husband when her youngest child was a pre-teen. He was 16 when I moved into the picture and firmly set in his ways. There was some friction at first. Then I sat him down and explained that I wasn't there to take his abusive father's place or be the lord of the manor but, I would be his friend. As he grew into adulthood he began suffering from severe bouts of manic depression that culminated in a final showdown of forced hospital treatment and a threat of eviction for his actions. He might have been out of his mind but was fully cognizant of what he was doing. Manipulating his mother to get what he wanted. She finally got on board with me in taking the severe action needed. I only hope you don't have to go down that road. It seems to me that the turn is fast approaching.

As for your boy... If he doesn't wish to comply with his own care and upkeep, including mental health.
Just take him outside and show him the street and ask him if he'd like to pick a direction. Then let him know that you do have a remedy for forced treatment whether he's paying rent or not.
Above all, let him know the consequences of inaction and negative behavior. Check with a doctor, hospital or your local law enforcement for options. Then inform your son of your concern for his well being and illustrate the options you can take if he won't go for help voluntarily.
It's your castle. Be the wise King.

PS: Ask. Don't order has always worked for me. My own father didn't learn that one until I was in my thirties and my youngest brother admonished him about it.

[swamprat69er]

Originally Posted by Wolferz

Sorry to hear about your wife passing. It could be the root of his problems.

As a single father of two after my wife bailed out, I required my children to assist in their own care.
I gave them chores to do and there was always a negative consequence for non-compliance. I used the old carrot on a stick method. I moved us to a different city for work and took them home for the weekends to visit their friends. If the housework and laundry weren't done by the time I arrived home on Friday evening the trip would be delayed while I got things caught up around the house. It didn't take them long to realize their errors and they were always ready to go after a short while.
I also sat the two of them down with me one evening while I paid the bills. That way they could see what it costs to live. It opened their eyes.

FAST FORWARD...
To wife 2.0 who lost her husband when her youngest child was a pre-teen. He was 16 when I moved into the picture and firmly set in his ways. There was some friction at first. Then I sat him down and explained that I wasn't there to take his abusive father's place or be the lord of the manor but, I would be his friend. As he grew into adulthood he began suffering from severe bouts of manic depression that culminated in a final showdown of forced hospital treatment and a threat of eviction for his actions. He might have been out of his mind but was fully cognizant of what he was doing. Manipulating his mother to get what he wanted. She finally got on board with me in taking the severe action needed. I only hope you don't have to go down that road. It seems to me that the turn is fast approaching.

As for your boy... If he doesn't wish to comply with his own care and upkeep, including mental health.
Just take him outside and show him the street and ask him if he'd like to pick a direction. Then let him know that you do have a remedy for forced treatment whether he's paying rent or not.
Above all, let him know the consequences of inaction and negative behavior.

I believe this is called 'tough love'.

[Skybird]

Too little biographic information, Raymond, so it does not compute. I was clinical psychologist, and mental trainer, and did some counseling job as voluntary social work as well (for a church-run service, ironically). Go out and find some real person, a pro, to talk about it. Direct personal contact when seeking advice over such social issues, is inevitable.

Don't think the internet could compensate for that. Most of the time you get just some kitchen psychology or some preset schemes in return. I am no friend of preset schemes.

[Armistead]

Originally Posted by raymond6751

I appreciate the response, guys. Some good points.

I made mistakes earlier, trying to be too demanding and too critical in his early teen years. Too late I learned that he was in a depression, and I was contributing to it. He had a hard time in high school, trouble making friends.

He got professional help then, as I did for a work-related exhaustion. The damage was done, and the silence began.

I'm afraid he may be back into a depression, but can do nothing about it. My suggestions about talking to the doctor again are turned down flat. Being an adult now, I cannot make him get help.

The good news is that he doesn't drink, take drugs, or go out. In fact, he isn't any "trouble" at all, just stuck to his gaming. He takes his meals back to his desk!

He pays rent and a portion of the groceries bill. The issue is just that he does nothing whatever and does not want to do anything.

I'm alone, as my wife passed when he was only four.

I can't find the article I read not long ago that many men are checking out of society, even sexually and finding life and escape behind video games. It reported that many male teens have up to their mid to late 20's if parents will keep them up.

You're in a tough situation and with his mother passing I'm sure that has been part of his depression. I don't know a lot about clinical depression and its treatments, but I've seen a lot of people overmedicated. Just seems with many doctors they don't care about getting to the real problem, just hand out mass meds...

Attacking him at this point is probably useless, except it may force him out into the real world in which he may thrive or spiral badly. It's a difficult time, kids that age, really adults, want the privileges/rights of adults, yet few have the ability to care for themselves as adults. You have to find the right balance, attack him too much and it will just hurt his self image/esteem and he'll fight back because he thinks he's an adult.

Your job as a parent is to become unneeded. Hard concept, but that's the job, to get your child to the point he doesn't need you and wants to build a life of their own.

If he's working part time, maybe you need to encourage him into a full time job or get him in a trade school. Heck, from age 15 on I was working full time hours, I would've been too tired to stay up..

There's no quick fix, took a long time for these things to get this way and it will take many years for thing to change, but get on the right path. Seems you know drastic change isn't working, so start taking some small steps.

[Betonov]

Originally Posted by Armistead

I can't find the article I read not long ago that many men are checking out of society, even sexually and finding life and escape behind video games. It reported that many male teens have up to their mid to late 20's if parents will keep them up.

I can relate here.
Being overweight in a Balkan society is a social nigthmare and I secluded myself when I got my first computer.

Luckily I've slowly opened up until my early 20's.

I still live with my parents. I'm employed, own a car and pay my share of living costs so there's no problem with them still living here. But I'll take the first affordable chance I get to move out.