2014 Subsim Fantasy Football Reports

[Gut Wrench]

2014 Subsim Fantasy Football
...back in the grind.

Here we go again fans. It's early August and the vermin have begun to surface, knocking their family unconscious in elevators (too soon? ) as they squabble for 16 of the most frustrating and exciting fantasy football weeks we've had since...since December last year. Are you ready to make believe and go long for that imaginary team combination we've all dreamed about, that brings a minimum 140 points each week in the hopes of a win?

It's the 2014 Subsim Fantasy Football competition, where we find out just how good Mister Chris and the London Based Helmand Nighthawks are. Our defending champions, and first champion to remove the Holy Grail from the Land of the Free (since Australia II...but that was sailing) they'll be out to show that their dominating performance in last years play offs, wasn't just a fluke. And we'll be there every game of every week, especially those nasty last two minutes of the Monday night game which forces an entire rewrite of this column. But, we do it not for glory, but for fantasy.

OK, we might do it for a little glory, and even though the season hasn't started, nothing has been written in eight months, and some of the coaches don't even know about this column, I'm going to ask you to do the most important two things you can do today.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

Back to the real game.

We'll start with what we know.

Everyone loves to knock off the defending champion, and before we know the results of the draft, we do know that a debutant to the league, will be playing in London in Week 1. Taking the most original name of Micheal's Team, Coach Michael (who'd have thought it) is one of two newcomers to the league, the other being Coach Wolferz of the Bilge Rats.

Apparently there was a sale at Wamart on matching uniforms for aside from the two newcomers, the returning rookie runner up from last year, the Who Dat Nation and the ReallyDedPoets have all purchase the same uniform helmets of gold with a black star.



Commissioner McBee has not yet made public the location of this years draft, but word has it that there was a considerable exchange of favors for the league to have their draft at "the secret location". The Associates Subsim Writers (ASW) have learned of this location are making the necessary bookings for their berths. Stay turned for more information as Draft Day, August 31, approaches, and teams settle in for the grind to the Torpedo Bowl and to be Champion.

[Gut Wrench]

Draft Location Announced
Commissioner Takes To High Seas

Commissioner McBee has outdone himself this year, taking the forthcoming draft to lofty new heights, and onto the High Seas. The location of the 2014 Draft has been announced as a three day cruise of the SS BigAzzShip out of Venice.



The SS BigAzzShip, partly owned by Commissioner McBee's offshore company, Tax Evasion Inc., has been hired for the event to run a three day cruise during the middle of the European Summer.

"We felt that with the Nighthawks being champions, it was appropriate that the Subsim Fantasy League take advantage of those European women," McBee said at a press conference.

The Commissioner stated that around 200 of the leagues best players will be invited to attend the draft function, and stay on board the ship. To accommodate their needs, round 2000 European women from various cities have been "recruited" to assist with the operation of the event.

Commissioner McBee stated that "this was a a unique opportunity for potential Subsim League players to have one final fling before getting down to the business of the most important sixteen weeks of the year.

Draft Day for the Subsim Fantasy Football League is a week away, scheduled for 1200 Sunday 31 August 2104.

[Gut Wrench]

Draft Results In
Coach Wolfer Gets an A

Commissioner McBee has outdone himself for the second time this year, somehow manging to secure the first pick of the draft.

"Yeah, really, ummm, that was a surprise," he said after the draft as the news media hounded him for a response. But, as usual, the Associated Subsim Writers were there for the first commentary.

Unlike about half of the league coaches who missed the boat after a wild night of drinking in Venice.

"Ohhhh, I thought the ship would wait for me," Coach FYC of the Black Cats said as the SS BigAzzShip left the dock.

So let's quickly recap the draft and the first reports from the floor.

Defending title holder, Mister Chris and the Helmand Nighthawks are predicted to finish the season in fourth.

"Fourth?" cried Mister Chris. "Bollocks."

Expansion team Wolfer's Bilge Rats have been appraised as having the best draft, however, the ASW predictions is that they will only finish second. The biggest surprise of the draft was that last years upstart Rookie, Fuel for Blood, and the Who Dat Nation are predicted to win the season - even after they too did not show for the draft.

"Argg, who needs to show up when you can draft by carrier pigeon and still enjoy some land loving wenches" Fuel for Blood was heard to say from the Pirates Shack Bar and House of Ill Repute.

At the other end of the spectrum, another expansion team, the Mini Ded Poets Team scored the lowest possible grade.

"We were robbed," Mini Coach Ded was hurl to say, spitting out a dummy. "If Dad had freaking bothered to pick me, like he said he would, I wouldn't be in this spot."

Looks like an awesome forthcoming match up with bragging rights when both the Ded Poet family members meet later in the season.

However, draft's mean nothing, and it's the real game of pretend football that matters, with 16 of the most frustrating weeks scheduled to start in four days. Who will be there in late December to claim the championship, no one knows. The only sure thing is that right now, all teams are tied...and that the two Monday night games will no doubt cause the first rewrite of the year.

For the Associated Subsim Writers, this is Gut Wrench welcoming you, to the Subsim Fantasy Football League.

[Gut Wrench]

Rising From The Bilge
Rats Gnaw Doggies

Week 1 in the Subsim Fantasy League, and do we have a debut for you. We'll tell you about one of the biggest eye openers since....well since Fantasy Football started. We'll catch up on a thriller, a thriller than could have been, and we'll see how the two newest team did against the foreign imports, as we go around the globe under the light of the silvery "supermoon".



But before we do anything else, let's give you the two most important messages that you need to know about.

DONATE TO SUBSIM...AND NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

Out with the commercials, dim the moon light and on with the highlights.

There are two new teams playing in this years Subsim Fantasy League, and in the first week, each of the new teams had opposing results. Let's start with the Mini Ded Poets, who crossed the Pacific Ocean to play the Australian Taipans. Jet lag much have affected the Mini's player choice because they played not only Jason Witten (TE) and Dan Bailey (K), but they ran on the 49ers (DEF) The 49ers were no slouch though as they high scored for the Mini Dead's with 20 points. On the other side of the paddock, the Taipans started an interesting pair of RB's in Matt Forte and Chris Johnson doing most of the work in the ground and pound. The Taipans send the Mini Dead's home packing with a steady serving, running out eventual winners 102 - 81.

Proving that running the opposition against your defense doesn't always doom you to a loss, last years surprise upstart to the league showed that you can in fact start Adam Vintieri (K) and the Bronco's (DEF) on the same team.

Coach Fuel for Blood after the game said "Yeah, our game plan tonight was not to score a lot of kicking points, and let our defense do the work."

The Who Dat Nation were certainly helped when the Green Beans started Cam Newton, ruled out two days prior to the start of the game with a bruised ego. Despite this, the Beans still managed to utilize Calvin (Megatron) Johnson for two touchdowns and 164 yards. (Who was throwing to him? C'mon Man.) The gap was way too much for the Beans, even when Michael Floyd (WR) scores 16 points on Monday night, as they fall to the Who Dat Nation 113 - 101.

Going across the other ocean, the defending Torpedo Bowl Champions the Helmand Nighthawks started the season at Wembley hosting Michael's Team. The second of three new comers to the league, this Atlantic Crossing was no Rod Stewart as the Nighthawks put a licking on Michael. Despite the valiant effort of QB Matt Ryan scoring 32.21. points, the Nighthawks just played their consistent steady brand of football that lead them to the championship. This game could have been a thriller on Monday night if only Keenan Allen (WR) of Michael's team showed up. Final score, Nighthawks 117 defeat Michael 101.

The biggest upset of the week was the match up between the Wild Boston Terriers and the Bilge Rats. The Terriers, a Commissioner franchise team, after grabbing first pick of the draft, also had the first game of the week. The Doggies, playing at home lead by Russell Wilson, came out strong and began putting up some impressive points before the Rats even got started. But when they got started, start they did and they piled it on. Every player on the Rats team scored double digit points, lead by their QB Matthew Stafford.

"Yeah, we played hard, knowing how important this game was. We played it hard and we're grateful just to come away with the win and look forward to next week," Stafford said after the game.

After taking the Associate Subsim Writers A+ draft rating, the Rats have come out and on the Terrier's home turf, put up 155 points, one of the highest scored seen in the game. The Terriers were sent to the 0-1 doghouse as the Rats cleaned up 159 - 107.

The thriller of the week belongs to the match up between the Black Cats and the Guns of Hochuli. Two powerhouse teams of past, who both decided that on draft day they had better things to do. In week one they were matched against other. Last year the Cats fielded perhaps the best team on paper, but when it came down to the end, just didn't have enough purr in the tank. Despite being heavily favored in Las Vegas, the ding dong game between the Cats and the Gunners swung with each play. Back and forth they traded the lead seven times through Sunday morning, and by the time they got to Monday night, the game was so close that one pass could decide the game. The Gunners started Larry Fitzgerlad (WR) and frankly, Fitzgerald did not look like he wanted to play. Larry only need one catch to give the Gunners the lead and the win, and we had to wait until 4 minutes before the end of the weekend to get his catch. Final Score, they barely squeak by in one of the historically closest matches ever, Gunners 102.24 defeat the Black Cats 101.58, a margin of .66

So after week one, let's look at where the teams stand.

Half the teams in the league won, the other half lost.

What it does mean is that in week 2, we get to pick and choose the best games to focus on. We pick the defending champions return to the Colony as the Black Cats get to host their first home game of the season after suffering a narrow defeat in week one.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 7 receptions for 104 yards and 3 receiving TD's, for a total of 35.20 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Julius Thomas of the Bilge Rats the Week One MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

RATS AND WHO DAT LEAD
Beans and Michael Still To Score

Week 2 in the Subsim Fantasy League, and we have a surprise league leader, who also happens to be a débutante. We'll tell you about the big battle between two teams where one slithered into oblivion, and just how some these results produced a complete rewrite of the weekend games in the last two minutes of Monday night.

But before we do anything else, let's give you the most important message that you need to know about.

NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

Now before we get started on who won, let's have a close look at who could of won, who should have won, and who got injured.

The two most devastating injuries go the Australian Taipans who lost not one, but two key players in the first 60 seconds of the game. Most surprising is that the Australian Taipans had originally attempted to trade away RB Knowshow Moreno earlier in the week. There was some suggested that the Who Dat Nation may have been willing to trade off their suspended WR Wes Welker, but that was quashed as soon as Moreno bruised his ego.

Then we have those coaches who started opposing forces, and there were two this week. Coach Wolfer probably gave away the biggest blow out this week by starting Matthew Stafford (QB) and the Panthers Defense. But lets not think this is just a rookie mistake, for Mister Chris of the defending champion Helmand Nighthawks by starting Matt Bryant (K) and the Bengals Defense.

And now on with the highlights.

Our most impressive game was the Guns of Hochuli and the Mini Ded Poets. The Poets after getting a very unfriendly "welcome" in week one, came out and showed that they have the ability to put up some big scores, eventually racking up 105 points. The Gunner, however, are a past finalist and no push over when it comes to choreographing great victories. Trailing by over 25 points with less than three minutes to go on Monday Night, they rested their team on the arm of Nick Foles (QB) and Codey Parkey (K). With less than 60 seconds to go, Foles finally throws for 300 yards and puts Parkey in a position to kick the Gunners to a 2-0 season. Final score, Guns of Hochuli 110 - Mini Ded Poets 105.

First game of the week to be completed had the Wild Boston Terriers against the Green Beans. Two renown opponents came head to head once again in a battle of titans. And a back and forth deal it was all weekend, with the lead changing several times. After having a previous dud week with Aaron Rodgers (QB) Coach McBee threatened to take away Rodger's discount double check before he finally started showing why he was a second round pick. But it wasn't an easy win, with Brandon Marshall finally bringing his A game late Sunday night. Sunday night is a poor time to be coming back, and the Beans finally ran out of gas. Final score Wild Boston Terriers 95 Green Beans 87.

Our top of the ladder game between the top teams turned into nothing short of a disappointing game - from at least one foreign team. The Bilge Rats and the Australian Taipans were both 1-0 after the first week and frankly, are both a bit of surprise to be leading the league. The Bilge Rats are rookies this year and the Taipans, have been one of these teams always there, but not quite at the end. And so it was that the Taipans just slithered to a show up score, handing the Bilge Rats their second win of the season. Bilge Rats win handily 119 - 89.

After the game Coach Wolfer spoke to the media.

"Yeah, we played hard, knowing how important this game was. We played it hard and we're grateful just to come away with the win and look forward to next week."

The easiest win of the week resulting in the biggest blow out were the Who Dat Nation and Coach Michael's team, aptly named Michael's Team. Michael had a couple of stars not show up for the weekend not otherwise affected by child abuse allegations. However, what's looking like a Ghost team, Michael's team just didn't score and becames a sacrificial lamb for the remainder of the season. Fuel for Blood and the Who Dat Nation run out convincing winners 101 - 62.

Our match of the week was a thriller between the Helmand Nighthawls and the Black Cats. The Cats last week were unfortunate not to win, and the Helmand Nighthawks were convincing winners, but this week was a different matter. This was a heavy weight bout between two possible championship defenders who showed that in a week of relative low scoring, these two could lay out some points. The Black Cats laid out an impressive score and waited on the Nighthawks QB Andrew Luck to win it in the last two minutes. Despite throwing for 3 early touchdowns, the Nighthawks fell short by a lot of passing yards. The Black Cats get a win the tough way, through the defending Torpedo Bowl Champions by hanging on for a 116 - 108 win.

So after week two, let's look at where the teams stand.

The Bilge Rats and the Who Dat Nation lead not only the Subsimmers Division but the league. The Wild Boston Terriers sit at 50% and the Green Beans and Michael's team are still looking for their first win.

In the Surface Skimmers Division, the Guns of Holchuli are the only team at 2-0, while the Taipans, Cats and Nighthawks are at 1-1. The Mini Ded Pets bring up the tail at 0-2.

What it does mean is that in week 3, we get a mixed back to choose from. We pick the defending champions and return to Wembley as the Australian Taipans travel for the longest away game ever. Both the Nighthawks and the Taipans look on paper to be the division leaders, but, at 1-1 both teams need to improve to be considered great.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 346 passing yards for 3 touchdowns and 28 rushing yards, for a total of 30.32 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Aaron Rodgers of the Wild Boston Terriers, the Week Two MVT.

[Gut Wrench]

RATS AND WHO DAT LEAD
Beans and Michael Still To Score

Week 3 in the Subsim Fantasy League. We can talk about who's leading the league. We can talk about who's leading for first pick of next years draft. We can even talk about the big blow outs experienced in week three. But before we talk about anything else, we have to talk about the most important thing you can do today to save the world.

NOMINATE SUBSIM FANTASY FOOTBALL FOR BEST OF SUBSIM.

So, maybe not save the world, but you won't know until you do.

Speaking of not saving the world, how about those teams that were up against Julio Jones (WR) and Andrew Luck (QB) this week. Oh wait - both those guys are on the same team, the London based Helmand Nighthawks. And who's ass did they smack this week? The Australian Taipans. Oh the humanity, this one was over by half time on Thursday night.

The Helmand Nighthawk welcome the Australian Taipans on their longest away game of the week, and if they had played almost anyone else, would have gotten the win. The Taipans didn't even run out on the field Thursday night, which is just as well as Julio Jones (WR) would have run right over them. Amassing 9 receptions for 161 yards and two touchdowns, our match of the game this week was being called as whitewash. The Taipans finally got off the bus and arrived at Wembley Stadium Sunday morning, where the onslaught continued. (I checked in on the game once, the Nighthawks were 108 points ahead. ) By Sunday morning, Mister Chris had declared his innings closed at 151 and waited out for the Taipans. The gap was just too big, the Taipans never had a hope and finally yielded the L on Monday night. Helmand Nighthawks score almost as many points in this game as they have in the previous two to be convincing winners, 151 - 115.

In the battle of the top and bottom of the ladder, the Bilge Rats prove that they can win convincingly on the road. Débutantes this season, the Bilge Rats traveled to the hollow turf of Michael's Team. Coach Michael started with a big bang with QB Matt Ryan racking up a quick 23 points. However, the job wasn't carried on when his wide receiving and running back corps did not cross for a touchdown. Starting Jordan Reed (TE) out on vacation, only added salt to the wounds, as the Bilge Rats were given a modest total to pursue. The Rats only stand out player was Jeremy Macklin who put the Rats into a winning position, even though starting quarterback Matthew Stafford took points away from the team. Michael will probably lament the opportunity to take away a win from the Bilge Rats, who keep their unbeaten run alive with a 94 - 76 win.

Up in Oregon, the two feisty counterparts that divide the state waged their own Civil War battle. Fuel For Blood in his sophomore year has once again stolen glory away by winning the local derby. The Wild Boston terriers were let down by the running backs who combined for a total of 49 yards. Wide Receiver Pierre Garcon couldn't carry the Terriers as they fall short chasing the lead. Who Dat Nation defeat the Wild Boston Terriers 99-88.

After the game Coach Fuel For Blood addressed the media at the local Hooters establishment.

"Yeah, we played hard, knowing how important this game was. We played it hard and we're grateful just to come away with the win and look forward to next week."

Still looking for their first win of the season, The Mini Ded Poets were pitted this week against the Black Cats. The line in Vegas favored the Dead Poets, and that was supported by great efforts from Michael Crabtree and Emanuel Sanders. The Black Cats though, much like a pimple that will not go away, just stayed and stayed and crawled back into the game. Marshawn Lynch (RB) lead the charge but it was not until Monday night that the Cats finally took the lead with Jay Cutler (QB) and Alshon Jeffrey (WR). Black Cats exercise their claws within the division to finish off the Mini Dead Poets 126 - 89.

Now, while the media were all in a frenzy about the Nighthawk blow out, there was another assault going on that had nothing to do with Syria. Two teams renown for not liking each other, and for taking wins and losses away from each other, met for the first time this year. Quietly, as they have in past years, the Guns of Hochuli have sailed under the radar. On the opposite side of the 50 yard line, the Green Beans have just as quietly become fodder as they start the year in one of their worst performances. At 0-2, the Beans were needing some gas in the tank to come forward and blow the Gunner's apart. Alas, it was not to be, and perhaps having received the news of the earlier Nighthawk game, set about putting together one of the biggest blow outs seen in recent times. It was not until Monday night and after Martellus Bennet (TE) had crossed for two touchdowns that the full ramifications of the game were noticed. The Gunners continued to drive home their advantage and just pummeled the Beans, to finally round out the week with a 110 - 64 win.

So after week three, let's see where the possibilities and the probabilities lie.

In the Sub Simmers division, the Bilge Rats and the Who Dat Nation lead at 3-0. Interesting, the Who Dat Nation are 3-0 within the division, while the Bilge Rats are 2-0 within the division, but have scored more points. The Wild Boston Terriers loss to the Who Dat Nation drop them back to 1-2, while the Green Beans and Michael's team squabble for the wooden spoon.

In the Surface Skimmers Division, the Gins of Hochuli have quietly moved to 3-0 by going 2-0 within the division. The Black Cats and the Helmand Nighthawks sit a game back at 2-1, the Australian Taipans another game back at 1-2, and the Mini Ded Poets own the cellar at 0-3.

Next week we go back to the Bilge Rats home sewer for our match of the week where they take on the Guns of Hochuli. The winner of that game will own not only the divisional lead, but the league lead. We'll be there in all our much and glory to cover it from the first kick on Thursday night to the last kneel down on Monday.

Each week, the Associated Subsim Writers (ASW) will nominated their Most Valuable Torpedo (MVT) of the week, the single player who proved decisive in their teams performance.

For the effort of 370 passing yards for 4 touchdowns and 15 rushing yards, for a total of 36.15 points, the Associated Subsim Writers are pleased to present Andrew Luck of the Helmand Nighthawks, the Week Three MVT.

[ReallyDedPoet]

Originally Posted by Gut Wrench

Apparently there was a sale at Wamart on matching uniforms for aside from the two newcomers, the returning rookie runner up from last year, the Who Dat Nation and the ReallyDedPoets have all purchase the same uniform helmets of gold with a black star.

Little DedPoet ( he's 16 ) will be taking the reins this year, though under the close guidance of his dad. Well as much as a dad can over a teenager

And I have changed the above

[nikimcbee]

tick,tick,tick,tick...

[nikimcbee]

I've been having problems with yahoo's server cutting in and out and connecting to the server. This better not crap out on me. If you have problems, just reconnect.

[ReallyDedPoet]

Originally Posted by nikimcbee

I've been having problems with yahoo's server cutting in and out and connecting to the server. This better not crap out on me. If you have problems, just reconnect.

So I am at the site now, the main page. I just stay there until the thing starts right.

[ReallyDedPoet]

As Mini-RDP is golfing I will be doing his picks for him, not sure if he will be ok with that

[nikimcbee]

Everything seems to bee working (on my end)

[ReallyDedPoet]

Originally Posted by nikimcbee

Everything seems to bee working (on my end)

Hey, how did you get the first pic

[nikimcbee]

Originally Posted by ReallyDedPoet

Hey, how did you get the first pic

Yahoo loves me this year I guess. I nearly fell our of my chair when I saw that. (it's all random btw)

[nikimcbee]

Well played Wolferz.

I was gunna bitch about how lousy my running backs were. Then I saw the score. Nevermind.

It looks like a continuation of last year. I have a good day, I play the person who has the record week.