ATC quotes

[[501]Otto]

Pilots... always joking
1-
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”
2-
Pilot:: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: It’s Thursday, Sir.
3-
Tower: Lufthansa 893, you are number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ….. We’ve checked, they are all working.
4-
Tower: “Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.”
Pilot: “Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.”

[Schroeder]

They are old but still good.

I remember one that went about like this:

Tower to parked aircraft:
Do you need a fuel truck or do you have enough fuel?

Plane:
Yes.

Tower:
Yes, what?

Plane:
Yes, Sir!

[Oberon]

A military aircraft had gear problems on landing, and as the plane was skidding down the tarmac the tower controller asked if they needed assistance. From the plane came a laconic southern voice:
Dunno - we ain't done crashin' yet.

If God had intended man to fly, He would not have invented Spanish Air Traffic Control.

— Lister, in the BBC TV series, 'Red Dwarf.'

Lufthansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"

A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: "Hey, English, you used to have Aden?"
BA: "Yes, we did. Why?"
HAV: "Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!"

While stationed with the USMC (United States Marine Corps) at Cherry Point, North Carolina, back in the the 1960s, I worked in a Headquarters Squadron that had three C-117s (a military version of the DC-3).
One of these aircraft had an unusual radio configuration that incorporated several circuit breakers on the bulkhead behind the pilot's head. Why? Who knows! But unfortunately we continually had many flights cancelled because of reports that the radios didn't work.
Well, the radios worked fine but some of the pilots refused to familiarize themselves with the airplane and perform proper pre-flight inspections. So they never turned on the radio circuit breakers.
After signing off about fifty gripes by saying "no problem found", I did something one day that cured the problem..
I signed off the aircraft yellow gripe sheet with the following comment: "Short between the pilot's headset".
This was an obvious comment on the deficiency of brain matter in the pilot's head. Well, that got me chewed out royally by the squadron maintenance officer, who I was told later had laughed uncontrollably after I left his office. The problem was solved though, because the negligent pilots were made the butt of so much teasing that nobody again forgot to turn on those circuit breakers.
(Thanks M Savage, former USMC Sergeant and later a long-time commercial pilot and flight instructor - 24 Sep 2010)

[Dowly]

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter
was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he
was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the
fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

And many more:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtraf...unnyquotes.htm

[Lord_magerius]

Always a good one
We were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our larger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a short-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causing us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he said on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning horn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run, 'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you like them apples?.."

[Gargamel]

Probably all have seen this before, but it's always funny:

OK some of you have probably seen this before but hey here it is again! (best thing is, after working in the Aviation ind for a while i know how true to life some of these reports can be!!)

After every [flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems & document their repairs on the form, and

then

pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

engineers.


By the way, Qantas is the only major airlinethat has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last...


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer

S: Took hammer away from midget

[Gargamel]

Originally Posted by Dowly

And many more:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtraf...unnyquotes.htm

I lol'd at this one!

A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and going through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the stress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level friendly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just going to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screamed at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather. If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the crash crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on end.