Pilots Point of View

[SUBMAN1]

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life.
Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.
3. A flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.
A night carrier landing in bad weather is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto:
'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly near the edges.

[PeriscopeDepth]

:rotfl::rotfl:

I have to disagree about Russian aircraft being ugly and weird though.

PD

[SUBMAN1]

Ever seen what IL turns out? Ulgy! MiG is the only one that can make a good looking plane over there!

-S

[Sailor Steve]

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back and took a leak."



Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what’s left in a shoe box.

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."
The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."
The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.

A helicopter doesn't fly - it beats the air into submission.

[PeriscopeDepth]

True, their transports can be ugly lookin'.

A C-5 and a 747 end up flying next to each other. The pilots of the C-5 raise the 747 on Guard, and being pilots feel the need to brag about their aircraft. "Bet we're grossing more weight than you airline turkeys are! What was your takeoff weight?"

The 747 pilot calls back, "Well, we're grossing $40-$80 thousand more than you are buddy!"

PD

[Schroeder]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..
After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back and took a leak."

Have a look here: Scroll down and watch episode I (episode II is even better:rotfl
Bill & John

[kurtz]

from my inbox;

A few selected aircraft/pilot verbal blunderings.


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[joegrundman]

Qantas maintenance crew comments - P is the pilot's comment, s is the solution


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit. [my favourite]

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Hakahura]

You can teach a chimp to fly.....

But give him a spanner and your aircraft will still be broken.

[Sailor Steve]

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
　
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
　
Never trade luck for skill.
　
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"
　
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
　
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
　
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
　
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
　
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
　
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
　
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries
　
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
　
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
　
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
　
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
　
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
　
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
　
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)
　
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
　
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
　
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
　
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal