Funny Quotes thread

[Kapitan_Phillips]

Anything someone has said seriously that cracks you up? Post it here?

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.” - John Madden

[Platapus]

There I was no sh*t.

It was back in late 1999, I was attending a rather boring staff meeting with some very high ranking officers. We were discussing, as usual back then, the Y2K problem.

This O-8 actually asked at the meeting "well, what did we do last time this happened?"

The whole room came to a silent stun. Was he trying to be funny (in which we were all obligated to give a laugh)? Or not. If we laughed and he was serious this would be what we call in the Military a "bad thing".

He was not the type that was well known for his humour. No one laughed and he did not seem to be expecting any laughter.

[lesrae]

"I'm only shallow on the surface"

A very stoned mate of mine a few years ago.

[Ishmael]

"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning." ...unknown Clamper.

[Camaero]

Do movie quotes count? I just watched Operation Petticoat for the hundredth time so:

"We sunk a truck! Let's get the hell out of here!"

"It's like watching a strip tease. Don't ask how it's done, just enjoy what's coming off."

"When I was a kid, I was the victim of the most vicious propaganda. People told me that money wasn't everything and I believed it. Then I found out that the people that were telling me that money wasn't everything were the people who had a lot of money. Now there are two ways you can get money. You can steal it, or you can marry it."

"When a girl is under 21, she's protected by law. When she's over 65, she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game. Look out."

[The Avon Lady]

Almost anything Yogi Berra said.

My favorite: "Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours."

[tycho102]

Originally Posted by Kapitan_Phillips

Anything someone has said seriously that cracks you up? Post it here?

"He ate p*ssy like a champ."
"He's thinking with the wrong head."
----- Gennifer Flowers

[Tchocky]

Wife: If I died, would you remarry?
Husband: Err...no of course not!
Wife: You don't enjoy marriage?
Husband: Yes I do....er...maybe I would remarry
Wife: Would you still live in this house?
Husband: I suppose so, it is a nice place to live.
Wife: Would she sleep in this bed?
Husband: I guess, its a good bed to sleep in
Wife: Would you play golf together, just like we do?
Husband: Well, that is when we have the best times together
Wife: Would she use my clubs?
Husband: Nah, she's left-handed.


Husband: Sh*t

[Kapitan_Phillips]

lmao :rotfl::rotfl:

[NefariousKoel]

Keeping with a nautical them, I'll start off with this one (as if I haven't posted it before):

Jay: What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian sh!t. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

As an added bonus I must add these others from the same, because cousin Walter is one funny bastard:

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

And yet another:

Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.

Oscar Wilde always has good quotes...

“America is the first country to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the usual intervening period of civilization”
~ Oscar Wilde on America