The Tipsy Tale: An Oblivion Adventure

[Hottentot]

Yesterday, he was a hero. He was a knight in shining armor, savior of the damsels in distress. He fought dragons, demons, evil wizards and some obscure end boss that resembled a suspiciously Freudian fantasy. He charmed ladies with his wit, impressed kings with his bravery, was cheered by children and inherited half of the kingdom. That was quite a day, that Friday evening. But our story is not about who he was yesterday.

It's about who he once again became on the next Saturday morning...


The usual, more serious notes: ever since I started writing AARs with stereotypes, I have asked myself why I don't make fun of those that are most familiar to me. The answer so far has been that there hasn't been a suitable game. It has been a wrong answer, because the right game has in fact been right under my nose all the time. Oblivion with its infinite moddability and open ended nature...

If making the Fallout AAR taught me anything, it was that making a funny AAR from RPG with lots of dialogue was difficult. Therefore I'm taking a little risk here and going instead for an RPG with little dialogue. No idea how this turns out, but let's see. So once again, welcome! Sit back, preferably with some meady adult beverage, and enjoy the ride. Updates may be a little slower this time due to real life keeping me busy, but I'll try keeping up.

Edit on 13/07/12: Some pictures from the thread go missing from time to time, thus disturbing the story. This is (so I've heard from the Horse's mouth) a known issue with the image hosting site Imgur and nothing I can help. So far the issue has fixed itself fairly quickly by itself. So if you are a new reader and don't see stuff, come back later and the pics are probably back. If the issue persist, please notify me and I'll send you a PDF version.


- - - - - - - - - - - -

Hello! Pleasure to meet you! Have you got any mead?

My name is Lalthgroot Wunderbaumbackel Dragonslayer Demon Heart Blood Blade Crimson Axe Intestine Hammer Berdesborum Fifthzel Groom of Zeegestrorum IX. But my friends usually call me just Lalli, so you can too. I'm famous! Well, my namesake is. But I'm too! Everyone knows who I am back home! That's one of the major reasons I left, in fact...

I hail from the stereotypical, barren Northern land called Finland. Err, Skyrim! I mean Skyrim! I am proud to say I'm a Nord! Blue eyes and blonde hair!



Well, I'm sure my grand grand daddy at least had those. Then he sort of had to leave home too and couldn't pack a wife with him, so he had to improvise. But that doesn't mean a thing! Deep down I'm as proud Nord as Nord can be! Which maybe isn't much, but at least it's all mine!

Recently I too moved down South because Skyrim enacted repressive tax policies on traditional Nord liquids used to keep us warm in the freezing winters. They went on about this whole Empire Union thing and how we now have directives straight from above telling how we should live our lives. The fools obviously don't understand that a man needs at least a few litres per day to keep going. In any case, I felt it was opressing my cultural heritage too much, so I left. And don't let any bitter one night stand tell you otherwise, this is the truth and you heard it here first!

So I arrived in the Imperial City to look for the boss man of this Empire Union thing, with whom I could then have a constructive discussion. I was sure he would understand the delicate culture of the Nords much better if I personally introduced him to some of our finest nuances, such as big pointy metal objects and their special effect on thin necks of these Southerners.

But a man needs a drink when a man needs a drink, and I definitely needed a drink after the long trip. So I spent some time looking for a place where I could try downing at least one decent mug of ale. In fact I found it.



And then I woke up in here with no idea what happened between these two points. Or where my clothes were, for that matter.



More to the point, there was this pencil neck next to me doing what the pencil necks always do: talk talk talk. Gah! Can't I get rid of soddy neighbors even here?!



Hello? Hello! Anyone?! I'm innocent! You can't sentence me for something I can't even remember! Hello!

At least make the pencil neck shut up! I can do it for free if you open the door!



Finally, some sensible people! Darn right! You tell me what I'm doing here, okay!

Hey! Why aren't you paying any attention to me?! In case you didn't notice, there is a big, muscular, and sparsely clothed Nord man in here!



Well finally!



Why don't I like where this discussion is going?



Err, I'd like to go back to not being noticed now...okay?



No really man, you can't convince me to swing that way just because you have a huge amulet hanging from your...

No! That's not how I meant it!



Whew. The old creep was dragged away by his guards to this totally well hidden secret door right in my cell. As much as I fear the possibility of bumping into him in the dark corner, I'd rather take my chances than spend anymore time listening to the pencil neck. Nyah!



Oooookay, my keen Nord senses tell me they went that way. Mostly based on the fact that they locked the door.



Typical. No neat corridors and shiny lights for Lalli, but damp caves and dog sized rats. Well, at least I found something more manly to put on.



Gah! It's not just rats! I know those guys! They always come singing next to my bed on hangover mornings!



And they even dragged my Ex in here somehow! It's like the morning after, except I'm completely sober! I think...

[Dowly]

Excellent!

[Takeda Shingen]

Love your AARs.

[Hottentot]

Whew! The Ex shut her trap just like the last time I hit her with an axe. Back to the shiny corridors and neat lights. And...ugh! Those guys!



No really, this is getting all too creepy now! I'm quite positive you can't have seen it! I would remember that!



Good thing he has these guards dragging him away all the time. Must be orderlies or something. And then there are these red robed guys who attack us all the time and scream. Maybe they are buddies of the creepo?

In any case, it seems I have no option but to follow them. Stupid railroad plot...



And naturally they can't find their way out of a phonebooth! Foreigners! They have no traffic culture in where they come from!



OK, now I've had it! You can't touch it, no matter if you try to bribe me with your huge amu...nevermind! Forget I said anything!



Well finally! I have no idea where that scary dude came from, but he arrived just in time! The old man's face was worth seeing when he realized that he is not going to get me after all.



Oh come on, it was just an over aged closet boy. You'll get over it. Unless...you are one of them?



Yeah, he might just be. See, I have no idea why, but the guy in metal suddenly wanted to know all about me.

I suppose it's still an improvement, so I gave him a few hints on how to be a real man. He could start by replacing that toy blade he stole from some anime series with a real puukko.



Why do people keep asking me that?



That's it! My manhood has been insulted and now they are going after my delicate culture! I'll have none of this! I'm going home to sit around wearing only boxers and drinking beer!

[Hottentot]

Finally! I'm out of that creep hole! Ugh! I need a drink...



Not all of that was bad, though. I'm sure this baubble will buy me a few rounds.



Ah, it seems I'm back in the Imperial City again. The heart of the Empire Union. Good! Now I can try continuing my quest. But first the priorities...



This looks like a decent place...



Seems promising. I'm taking just one for dry throat and then continue my quest. Cheers!



Wow, good stuff!



I'm the king of the drawer, I am, I am, I...



Who the [beeb] pulled that drawer from under me?! Gah! Bartender, another one!



I want to drink from these fancy cups like those ci-vi-li-zed Southern people...



And eat their exotic foods that are not covered in mold. But [beeb] why those [beeb, beeb, beebetybeeb] dishesh won't stay in one place?!



I'll teach you to stay put and be eaten properly you bloody little runts!



Wooooooo! Look at me!!



Whuh?! What do you mean "don't dare to jump from there"?! I'll show you, [beeb] it!



Errr, falling on metal helmet didn't make my head feel any better...



I'm the captain of the ship, I am, I am, on high seas I am...I am...I...



[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb] I'm druuuuuuuuuuuunk...

[Dowly]

Hahahaha

[Safe-Keeper]

"And they dragged my ex in here somehow!"

This looks hugely promising. I am all ears.

[Hottentot]

Bleeeeeeeeeergh...



Ugh! My head! My chest! My liver! Where am I?



And more importantly, why am I wearing a skirt?!



This black guy seemed to know something about it, so I asked, but he just laughed at me! I'll show him! Right now, behind the nearest sauna!



Apparently they don't even have Saunas on these southern barbarian lands, so the black man says we go up the stairs to some arena thing and fight. Fine by me. I just can't grasp why I need to wear the skirt to be allowed in there.



This is so ridiculous.



Hakkaa päälle!



Hey, that's no black man! Where is the black man?



On the other hand, does it really matter which pencil neck I hit first?



On my way back to the black man I meet this especially ugly guy who, for some obscure reason, sees it necessary to tell me every detail of his sad childhood.



When I tell him to shut up, he writes me some directions and says I can go to this place to find this shrew Lady Lodovicus. Hooray!

What's a "shrew"?



No matter. Why would I travel, when there is a gorgeous rack right here in front of me. I'll just use my witty charm to woo her. Ahem...

Hey! You come here often? I can buy you a drink?



Ooo, hard to get, huh? That's okay. I'll impress you eventually.



The black man still refuses to fight me. Aha! I know! I fight so much in this arena place that I finally beat black man and then the gorgeous rack falls in love with me! Huzaa!



Bring it on!

[Penguin]

Älkää tappaa punapää!!!

Great read so far!

[kiwi_2005]

makes me want to go and reinstall Oblivion!

[Hottentot]

So I spend a day fighting a few pencil necks...



They fall easily to my manhood...



But the gorgeous is still not impressed!



Nor is the black man. Okay! More pencil necks it is then!



So I meet this guy who is totally trying to copy my manly style...



And then I do it like I prefer it in home too...



All this pencil neck killing makes me understand that deep inside I have always felt this to be my true calling.



The increased knowledge also makes me realize my helmet is not my size at all.



Yeah! Bloodletter! That should make a impression to the gorgeous!



No?



Well bugger this all then! I'm going home to drink beer on my underwear and play WoW!



On the other hand, why wait until I get home? Cheers!

[Hottentot]

OK, I really have no clue how I ended up here, how all these guys ended up dead or why I'm wearing an old man's vest with fur boots and no pants...



But I do know from experience that the authorities never believe that explanation. So maybe I'll just see where this road goes instead.



OK, that's it, I never drink a drop again! I'm sick of these little green men following me everywhere!



But on the other hand I just found this peasant shack with lots of homeless beer in it...



...And decided to drink it in this respectable looking inn on the way. But first I'll find the proprietor. I know countryside inns like this always sell cheap local booze, so of course I'll have to try some of that too.



Hello! Beer and pretzels please!



What? No! Hands of the bling! The old creep in the sewers gave it to me and I'm keeping it!



Uriel what? Look, I just want some booze! Do you serve any or not?!



Oh great! Another life story!



Look, whatever happened with your lover boy and you in your ancient youth is no my...



I take it that means no booze for Lalli? Fine! Keep your establishment! I'm taking my money elsewhere!



[Beeb] yokels! Not only did they not serve any pretzels in there, they also robbed the amulet from me on the top of that! I'm going to tell the local watch in this castle! They'll get my bling-bling back! It's what these peasants pay taxes for!

[Hottentot]

I was directed to this guy. As soon as I said the words: "Stole my bling bling..."



...I was taken to this old hag who revealed I'm not the first victim of the devious yokel thieves! Since she seemed important and all, I told her she could find her stuff from that countryside inn right next to the castle.



She was overjoyed for the information and in return quite literally gave me the keys to the city. Now I can access critical places barred from those lowborn peasants!



Such as the castle's wine cellar.



[Hick], yeah, that's right! I need something stiff while waiting for the old hag and her army to go take my baubble back. That's what I pay taxes for! Yeah!



Errr, it's taking them long. I bet I could do it better than they could. I'm big and strong and manly and all. I could have been a police officer...



Or a real officer...yeah...I seeerved six months...Fatherland! Errr, Winter War...!



I cooooooould have been the preeeeeesident!



Bleergh, [beeb] that! More beer...

[Hottentot]

Bllbblblblblblbllbbb...uh...who the [beeb] is that?



GAH!!



Where the [beeb] am I? What is this place?!



Why is that guy there next to me?



And what the [beeeeeeeb] am I wearing again?!!



I gotta get out! My, uh, back doesn't like cold, stony, skeletonish environment. Yeah, back, that's right...



Urgh, like this wasn't difficult enough with the key in mornings like this...



This complicated system is surely somehow related to the door. Maybe one of the shiny buttons opens it? Which one? The one from the right? Or left? Right? Left?!


[Beeb] it, I'll just press all of them!



Uh oh...



Look, I'm sorry if I took your drinks and you all died of thirst because of that! I didn't mean to leave nothing for you! Or maybe I did, but just a little! Honest!!



Whew, I lost them. I still have no exact idea where I am, but I know it's at least one of my favorite places. The kind with a big, shiny baubble, that is.



And not only one, but two! Honestly, I think that thing looks like someone took a piece of corn filled cow manure and sticked a propeller into it, but I'm sure I can sell it to some clueless fools as a famous piece of modern art. I know exactly where...

[Hottentot]

It took a while, but I managed to find my way out of that place. Back to the Imperial City again.



Mostly because as the biggest city in the area, it also has biggest amount of suckers. This one paid nicely for that piece of junk I found.



And that, on the other hand, bought me lots of much more practical stuff. See man, this is how capitalism works: I sell junk and get booze. It makes everyone happy.



I should have been an economist. Drinking always makes me understand deepest truths of life.



Just as I'm in the middle of deep meditation...



This bald guy sits on my table and drags me outside for a talk. Good thing I'm too stoned to be worried...



He babbled some stuff about master and house, but finally just gave me this note and left in a huff. OK, fine, what's important enough to disturb my filosofizing?

Blahblahblah wordswordswords yadayadayada. What the heck does "renumerate" mean anyway?



Oh, now I get it. Dictionary says it means: "Lalli gets mucholotsof money". So next morning I decide to go to this guy's house, which turns out to be pretty impressive. Maybe he was serious after all?



OK, with hair style like that I can understand he might be touched enough in head to really mean what he wrote. On one hand, when I was a kid my mom said that pointing and laughing at handicapped people is naughty...



But she never said a word about getting paid for it, so I'm off to start my career as a modern art dealer.



But not before I help myself to some of his refreshments. My doctor always said going adventuring with dry throat is not healthy.