Devolution: A Fallout AAR

[Hottentot]

Ding! We are back! Retro games and light comedy once more on the air exclusively on Radio Hottentot. I'm your host Hottentot and welcome each of you old and new faithful listeners back to spend beeeautiful time with us. Today's show is brought to you by The Government Your Friend: "Government: We Sell Your Mom And You Like It!"

Obligatory game introduction: OK, seriously, is there someone who just crawled out of a Vault and doesn't know Fallout?

Right, moving on. I'm this time thinking of a loosely related series here. If this goes anywhere, this first AAR will be about the first Fallout, but after it I will be moving at the speed of the plot to Fallout 2, Fallout 3 and finally to New Vegas. As per usual, I have no idea what I'm doing and intend to mostly just improvise. The first part will take a somewhat classical approach. Let's see what happens.


3...2...1...


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OK, so the apocalyptic nuclear fire destroyed everything in the end and civilization as we knew it basically ceased to exist. No McDonald's, Walmarts or Fox News. But look at the bright side: no more bums, junkies, small time thieves or lawyers either.




Indeed, the nuclear holocaust wasn't that bad after all, seeing that it affected mostly those undesired and poor parts of the society that no one is going to miss anyway. The good, patriotic and wealthy people ducked and covered in safe vaults under the Earth, and the new civilization to be build by them in the imminent future looks much brighter than any bomb explosion.

Good and patriotic people, such as John and Mary here. They were some of the first to enter the Vault 13, and for a good reason. John was handsome, hard working and God fearing republican, while Mary was obedient wife, who since childhood had known her place between the stove and the fist. Together they formed a real model family for the future generations to look up to and follow their example.




Eventually John and Mary had a child too, a handsome, hard working and God fearing Republican whom they decided to call Dave. Unfortunately Dave happened to fall in love with Linda, an independently thinking democrat, who didn't understand her role in the family at all. She even had friends among the lower classes of the society, such as that Pete the Postman.




Eventually, however, Linda understood how wrong she had been and to make up for her mistakes, bore twins for Dave. Dave, father of two wonderful children, was once more happy, even though he occasionally wondered why his son Jack didn't look like him at all. Or why Jack seemed to get along so well with his sister Anne instead of telling her to bake him pie.




Indeed it happened so, that the unconditional love of the siblings became a family tradition that continued generation after generation.




Until one day Anne XXIII found herself very lonely and sad because she was the only child of her aunt and uncle and despite her best efforts couldn't get any of the boys in the Vault to date her.




This is because the boys were mostly prejudiced democrats who didn't see her inner beauty. Fortunately for Anne XXIII there was still at least one good and honest, God fearing republican in the Vault with whom she could really share experiences and her deepest feelings. Indeed, she had always been kind to the animals, and her pet rodent Henry was very dear to her. Oh yes. Very dear.

And being a good, God fearing republican, Anne XXIII's prayers were answered and miraculously like Virgin Mary she had a son, a handsome, hard working, God fearing baby son!!




HALO!!!!

Were story man run? Me like story!! OK! Me tell story meself! Me much better story man than story man anyway because me so smart!!

First me tell of me self. Me am called...me? Me call me me. Other people call me DONT. Me think me name is DONT. Me hear so often "DONT EAT", "DONT TOUCH" and "DONT POOP THERE".

Am very nice, handsome and smart man. Live in big hole in ground. Around lots metal. Live like this for many birthday cakes now. Me stop count after twelve fingers because me no have more.




Me strong and sport like! Grar!! Have to be because me have rees-pon-sib-ly job. Me walk in hall and pick dust ball. Mommy say dust balls communist pies, so me eat and mommy happy. Momy fear communist pies. Many people do. But me brave and eat so no have to fear.

Me am smart. So smart that all other people dumb. Ouch!! OK, OK, mommy no dumb. Mommy very smart too. But all not-mommy people. They so dumb they no understand me. Is why they no like me and me no have many friends.

Some time when me eat communist pies, stuff crash to me. Then stuff go bye-bye and dumb people angry to me because me brake stuff. Me no very lucky to have so dumb stuff around crash to me all time.




Sometimes me go very red face to stuff and punch it. Me also punch demoncrats because they say mommy dumb. Demoncrats extra dumb!!




After me punch stuff, me hungry. Me like beans but mommy say me cant eat beans anymore because after that me go boom for many hour.




Me like big tools. When home door stuck, me take big hammer and punch stupid door so long that door go bye bye and let me in. Me think is good idea but dumb people no like. They take hammer away.




When dumb people take hammer away, me was so mad me start throw stuff. Demoncrats funny to throw because they so light and make funny noise. Me like throw!!




And because me smart, me read lots of picture paper. Me learn lot from picture paper. Me see boom pipe name "cat-sling-gun" and ask mommy give for birthday but she say no can. But me still learn how shoot cat-sling-gun from picture paper. One day me find and show mommy how good me do.

Then me tell og big adventure me have. Is biggest adventure in life! So big not even in picture paper! You love! Me promise!!



Anyway, it all start when grand daddy come to me one day when me eat communist pies. He say no call him grand daddy but "Ow-er-sea" (because he be pirate! Yarr!!) but me call grand daddy because he has beard. Anyway he come one day and give me very no-happy look. He often give it when he scream "DONT DO THAT" and "DONT PEE IN CORNER." Grand daddy so old he not hear no more to must scream often to me.




Anyway, he show me picture of this thing and scream: "YOU EAT??!!"

Me think very hard and remember me maybe see one communist pie like in picture. Was very bad communist pie. A demoncrat communist pie! Teeth say "ouch" often, but me brave and fight like good raw-bobbly-can.

For some reason grand daddy no happy when me say "yes, me save all. Me good?! Get cookkie?!"




Grand daddy take sticky tape and stick paper to me hand. Paper say something but is no picture. Me think boring but yummy. Paper always make go boom. Boom fun!!




When me eat paper, grand daddy very no happy. He make new and this time stick to me in back. Me ask how me can now eat but he no answer.

Then two people come and take me. We go to big metal circle that say "OOOOOOOOOOO" and go away. Then they throw me out and metal circle go "OOOOOOOOO" again when it come back. So uh...now me here. And me know not what me do. Is very dark here.