Subsimmers advice needed

Freiwillige · 01-11-10, 05:39 AM

It is not often I ask nor need advice. I seem to have my life steered in the right direction but after tonight I am a bit perplexed. My good friend Dan I have known and hung out with for the past 8 months is a good guy. His wife left him for a co-worker 1 year ago and he has had a hard time letting go. He drinks more than he should but he has a beautiful 9 year old daughter that he worships the ground she walks on and over all he is a great guy.

Well at least that was my opinion of him before tonight's events. You see Dan is a recovering cocaine addict and has slipped up once in our friendship. I mean he has a stable job and loves his child and does well otherwise although I think he drinks a bit much on the nights he doesn't have his daughter and I know from conversation he is a bit lonely after 15 years of marriage. Tonight after drinking a bit with him at his house during the Cardinal\Green bay game he decided that he wanted to go to the bar. After the few minutes at the bar He decided he wanted to have a party.

At the party some guy showed up claiming he was on coke and exstacy and invited my friend to his house to do more. At that point I rudely intervened and set his priority's straight! Or so I thought.

A half an hour later he was gone to do what he shouldn't be doing. Later he show's back up and asks if I am cool with this guy coming over. I knew the guy was a coke dealer and laughed and said its your life. I left as soon as the loser showed up.

The moral of this story is Dan seems to be a great guy and is always trying to get me the (Atheist) to go to church with him ETC.

Im stumped as he has become one of my best friends but at the same time I wonder if it isn't time to write him off.

He knows loud and clear my feelings on his doings.

Should I just let go and move on?

Opinions good and bad appreciated.

Cowboy Gerry

01-11-10, 05:58 AM

My perspective:

It's time to say goodbye to Dan.
His problem can hurt you legaly, financialy, and socialy.

Keep your nose clean, and protect yourself first.

Skybird · 01-11-10, 06:19 AM

Avoid him.

Dowly · 01-11-10, 06:58 AM

It's hard to say what you should do without knowing the other guy. Do you think you could talk to him and to get him think about what will follow if he slips again?

My cousin is pretty much in the same state, but with alcohol. He has a 10yo son who means everything to him, yet he cant stay off the booze. He spent his new year's eve and christmas in rehab for the umptheenth time, he has his good times, usually during the summer when he can be on our cottage away from booze, but come winter and it's rehab time again.

Needless to say we are all extremely worried about him, hell his the best guy I know, always there for me and my brother if we need someone to talk to or just have hard time otherwise.

Skybird · 01-11-10, 07:21 AM

That is family relations, Dowly. Agreed, then you are closer.

Freiwilliger is not close family to that guy, and he is in no position to battle somebody else's alcohol and drug problems. It is a battle that only few junkeys get under control. Assisting in that attempt, as an outsider, has two preconditions - you need to be extremely close to the person in question, and the addicted person needs to be strong in will. That guy Freiwilliger described, does not seem to be that. Loving his kid is not enough. alcoholics can ruin their own families and still say they love them. In fact they want their pardon only - and do not want to change themselves at all.

Most alcoholics getting away from the bottle, do not stay away from the battle. The prognosis is even worse if they also take drugs.

Protect yourself against getting pulled down along with them.

August · 01-11-10, 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snestorm

My perspective:

It's time to say goodbye to Dan.
His problem can hurt you legaly, financialy, and socialy.

Keep your nose clean, and protect yourself first.

This ^

SteamWake · 01-11-10, 10:17 AM

al anon

AVGWarhawk · 01-11-10, 10:25 AM

You can only make suggestions and recommendations. Drugs are a hard driver. He will blow you off as well as his kid to do the drugs. Again, you can not tell him what to do however, you can always walk away for good. I recommend you do.

Onkel Neal · 01-11-10, 10:30 AM

Sounds like the booze binges and coke flirtation is a cry for help. "Look at me, my loneliness is forcing me to do bad things and self-destruct. Someone who cares about me, please stop me."

Problem is, what can you do? He's not likely to listen to you, is he? If he is a Christian, he needs to get more involved with his church ASAP. He needs the support system they can give him, and he needs to get ahold of himself. Especially if he has a kid, what kind of example is that setting?

The unfortunate reality is some people are not strong enough or mature enough to endure hardships without falling apart like this. If he was my friend, I would lay it out for him and support him: Look buddy, this has to stop right now, I will help you only if you cut that crap out.

Also, if you have only known him 8 months, he's not a lifelong friend, and from what you say, he has "slipped up" once in the last year. Not good. I would be wary of getting dragged into a serious situation I have no control over.

antikristuseke · 01-11-10, 10:33 AM

if he is your friend, then try to get him to clean up, dont abandon him. If you have tried everything youcan think of, then and only then give up. Any sooner than that and you really shouldnt call him a friend. Drugs are hard to kick, but simply to walk away from a friend in need of help is not something Icould do, and I have been in this situation, it did not go well.

GoldenRivet · 01-11-10, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snestorm

My perspective:

It's time to say goodbye to Dan.
His problem can hurt you legaly, financialy, and socialy.

Keep your nose clean, and protect yourself first.

a friend for the past 8 months is one thing.

if he was a friend for the past 18 years that would be another.

I agree with Snestorm entirely, just say goodbye to this individual.

you simply cannot save some people, and sometimes even if you manage to save them, the loss to yourself can be so substantial that the entire process was worth very little.

Sailor Steve · 01-11-10, 01:48 PM

That's a hard one. Everybody's advice, to go or to stay, has good points. My inclination would be to let him know that I really am a friend, and I want to help, but I can't let his problems ruin my life. I'd tell him I'm there for whatever he needs, but I won't let him take me down with him. After that, see how much he really wants to get straigh, and take it from there.

kgsuarez · 01-11-10, 02:07 PM

You can't help him. Trust me. I have personal experience in these matters.

The only person who could help him is another alcoholic and/or addict. You've only known this man for 8 months. Get out while you can, as his behavior will only grow worse.

You may not completely realize it right now, but you are dealing with a seriously ill man. If you continue to associate yourself with this man he is most likely going to start asking you for money and other kinds of bad help.

Don't be gullible. This man has befriended you for all the wrong reasons. It is only a matter of time before he begins to manipulate you.

Take it from someone who knows alcoholics and addicts very well. This man is trouble. Keep away. The truth may hurt, but you must know it before you can be free.

Also, some food for thought... There's a saying that goes "Water seeks its own level." Don't let that statement hurt or offend you. I only want to help. You may not be the type to indulge in the atrocities that this man does, but hang around him long enough and his awful habits will begin to look commonplace. Who you associate yourself with says a lot about you as a person.

I hope that you can balance your heart and mind and make the right choice.

Good luck.

NeonSamurai · 01-11-10, 02:11 PM

I am inclined to agree that there isn't a whole lot you can do. An intervention might work (or might backfire), but you need the people he is closest to and cares most about involved in it. If you do it solo it will almost certainly blow up in your face (the person will probably go defensive, particularly if you approach it wrong).

But it doesn't hurt to try imho. I would try taking him aside when he is sober, etc and gently talk to him about it. Don't tell him what to do, or how to run his life. Show mainly that you are concerned, not angry or judging him. The important thing is to not put him on the defensive, but get him to open up and talk about it.

Blacklight · 01-11-10, 04:05 PM

I would advise cutting ties with him. From personal experience, I can say that friends who are drug addicts are ALWAYS addicts. They WILL drag you into their problems and their world. They WILL steal from you to support their habbit. They WILL let you down at every opportunity. When the drugs are in the driver's seat, they're not going to care about you or your life anywhere NEAR as much as they care about getting high. The next thing you'll know is that things will be missing from your house. They'll bum money off you to buy drugs or downright steal it when you aren't looking. They'll completely skewer your trust.
Do NOT trust anyone who does drugs. Don't give them an INCH !!! Never turn your back on them or you'll get screwed somehow.

01-11-10, 05:39 AM	#1
Freiwillige The Old Man Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Phx. Az Posts: 1,458 Downloads: 24 Uploads: 0	Subsimmers advice needed It is not often I ask nor need advice. I seem to have my life steered in the right direction but after tonight I am a bit perplexed. My good friend Dan I have known and hung out with for the past 8 months is a good guy. His wife left him for a co-worker 1 year ago and he has had a hard time letting go. He drinks more than he should but he has a beautiful 9 year old daughter that he worships the ground she walks on and over all he is a great guy. Well at least that was my opinion of him before tonight's events. You see Dan is a recovering cocaine addict and has slipped up once in our friendship. I mean he has a stable job and loves his child and does well otherwise although I think he drinks a bit much on the nights he doesn't have his daughter and I know from conversation he is a bit lonely after 15 years of marriage. Tonight after drinking a bit with him at his house during the Cardinal\Green bay game he decided that he wanted to go to the bar. After the few minutes at the bar He decided he wanted to have a party. At the party some guy showed up claiming he was on coke and exstacy and invited my friend to his house to do more. At that point I rudely intervened and set his priority's straight! Or so I thought. A half an hour later he was gone to do what he shouldn't be doing. Later he show's back up and asks if I am cool with this guy coming over. I knew the guy was a coke dealer and laughed and said its your life. I left as soon as the loser showed up. The moral of this story is Dan seems to be a great guy and is always trying to get me the (Atheist) to go to church with him ETC. Im stumped as he has become one of my best friends but at the same time I wonder if it isn't time to write him off. He knows loud and clear my feelings on his doings. Should I just let go and move on? Opinions good and bad appreciated. Cowboy Gerry

01-11-10, 06:19 AM	#3
Skybird Soaring Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: the mental asylum named Germany Posts: 42,602 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	Avoid him. __________________ If you feel nuts, consult an expert.

01-11-10, 07:21 AM	#5
Skybird Soaring Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: the mental asylum named Germany Posts: 42,602 Downloads: 10 Uploads: 0	That is family relations, Dowly. Agreed, then you are closer. Freiwilliger is not close family to that guy, and he is in no position to battle somebody else's alcohol and drug problems. It is a battle that only few junkeys get under control. Assisting in that attempt, as an outsider, has two preconditions - you need to be extremely close to the person in question, and the addicted person needs to be strong in will. That guy Freiwilliger described, does not seem to be that. Loving his kid is not enough. alcoholics can ruin their own families and still say they love them. In fact they want their pardon only - and do not want to change themselves at all. Most alcoholics getting away from the bottle, do not stay away from the battle. The prognosis is even worse if they also take drugs. Protect yourself against getting pulled down along with them. __________________ If you feel nuts, consult an expert.

01-11-10, 10:17 AM	#7
SteamWake Rear Admiral Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 13,224 Downloads: 5 Uploads: 0	al anon __________________ Follow the progress of Mr. Mulligan : http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=147648

01-11-10, 10:25 AM	#8
AVGWarhawk Lucky Jack Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: In a 1954 Buick. Posts: 28,253 Downloads: 90 Uploads: 0	You can only make suggestions and recommendations. Drugs are a hard driver. He will blow you off as well as his kid to do the drugs. Again, you can not tell him what to do however, you can always walk away for good. I recommend you do. __________________ “You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.” ― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

01-11-10, 05:58 AM	#2
Snestorm Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	My perspective: It's time to say goodbye to Dan. His problem can hurt you legaly, financialy, and socialy. Keep your nose clean, and protect yourself first.

01-11-10, 06:58 AM	#4
Dowly Lucky Jack Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Finland Posts: 25,052 Downloads: 32 Uploads: 0	It's hard to say what you should do without knowing the other guy. Do you think you could talk to him and to get him think about what will follow if he slips again? My cousin is pretty much in the same state, but with alcohol. He has a 10yo son who means everything to him, yet he cant stay off the booze. He spent his new year's eve and christmas in rehab for the umptheenth time, he has his good times, usually during the summer when he can be on our cottage away from booze, but come winter and it's rehab time again. Needless to say we are all extremely worried about him, hell his the best guy I know, always there for me and my brother if we need someone to talk to or just have hard time otherwise.

01-11-10, 10:30 AM	#9
Onkel Neal Born to Run Silent Join Date: Jan 1997 Location: Cougar Trap, Texas Posts: 21,383 Downloads: 541 Uploads: 224	Sounds like the booze binges and coke flirtation is a cry for help. "Look at me, my loneliness is forcing me to do bad things and self-destruct. Someone who cares about me, please stop me." Problem is, what can you do? He's not likely to listen to you, is he? If he is a Christian, he needs to get more involved with his church ASAP. He needs the support system they can give him, and he needs to get ahold of himself. Especially if he has a kid, what kind of example is that setting? The unfortunate reality is some people are not strong enough or mature enough to endure hardships without falling apart like this. If he was my friend, I would lay it out for him and support him: Look buddy, this has to stop right now, I will help you only if you cut that crap out. Also, if you have only known him 8 months, he's not a lifelong friend, and from what you say, he has "slipped up" once in the last year. Not good. I would be wary of getting dragged into a serious situation I have no control over. __________________ SUBSIM - 26 Years on the Web

01-11-10, 10:33 AM	#10
antikristuseke Silent Hunter Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Estland Posts: 4,330 Downloads: 3 Uploads: 0	if he is your friend, then try to get him to clean up, dont abandon him. If you have tried everything youcan think of, then and only then give up. Any sooner than that and you really shouldnt call him a friend. Drugs are hard to kick, but simply to walk away from a friend in need of help is not something Icould do, and I have been in this situation, it did not go well.

01-11-10, 01:48 PM	#12
Sailor Steve Eternal Patrol Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: High in the mountains of Utah Posts: 50,369 Downloads: 745 Uploads: 249	That's a hard one. Everybody's advice, to go or to stay, has good points. My inclination would be to let him know that I really am a friend, and I want to help, but I can't let his problems ruin my life. I'd tell him I'm there for whatever he needs, but I won't let him take me down with him. After that, see how much he really wants to get straigh, and take it from there. __________________ “Never do anything you can't take back.” —Rocky Russo

01-11-10, 02:07 PM	#13
kgsuarez Planesman Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: USA Posts: 181 Downloads: 28 Uploads: 0	You can't help him. Trust me. I have personal experience in these matters. The only person who could help him is another alcoholic and/or addict. You've only known this man for 8 months. Get out while you can, as his behavior will only grow worse. You may not completely realize it right now, but you are dealing with a seriously ill man. If you continue to associate yourself with this man he is most likely going to start asking you for money and other kinds of bad help. Don't be gullible. This man has befriended you for all the wrong reasons. It is only a matter of time before he begins to manipulate you. Take it from someone who knows alcoholics and addicts very well. This man is trouble. Keep away. The truth may hurt, but you must know it before you can be free. Also, some food for thought... There's a saying that goes "Water seeks its own level." Don't let that statement hurt or offend you. I only want to help. You may not be the type to indulge in the atrocities that this man does, but hang around him long enough and his awful habits will begin to look commonplace. Who you associate yourself with says a lot about you as a person. I hope that you can balance your heart and mind and make the right choice. Good luck.

01-11-10, 02:11 PM	#14
NeonSamurai Ocean Warrior Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Socialist Republic of Kanadia Posts: 3,044 Downloads: 25 Uploads: 0	I am inclined to agree that there isn't a whole lot you can do. An intervention might work (or might backfire), but you need the people he is closest to and cares most about involved in it. If you do it solo it will almost certainly blow up in your face (the person will probably go defensive, particularly if you approach it wrong). But it doesn't hurt to try imho. I would try taking him aside when he is sober, etc and gently talk to him about it. Don't tell him what to do, or how to run his life. Show mainly that you are concerned, not angry or judging him. The important thing is to not put him on the defensive, but get him to open up and talk about it. __________________ SH3 Newbie Guide Links and other helpfull stuff

01-11-10, 04:05 PM	#15
Blacklight Ocean Warrior Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Connecticut Posts: 2,507 Downloads: 145 Uploads: 0	I would advise cutting ties with him. From personal experience, I can say that friends who are drug addicts are ALWAYS addicts. They WILL drag you into their problems and their world. They WILL steal from you to support their habbit. They WILL let you down at every opportunity. When the drugs are in the driver's seat, they're not going to care about you or your life anywhere NEAR as much as they care about getting high. The next thing you'll know is that things will be missing from your house. They'll bum money off you to buy drugs or downright steal it when you aren't looking. They'll completely skewer your trust. Do NOT trust anyone who does drugs. Don't give them an INCH !!! Never turn your back on them or you'll get screwed somehow. __________________ Be my friend or be a mushroom cloud. "I am coming at you. You will explode in a couple of minutes !"