How a Marine would conduct a press conference

[SUBMAN1]

The main topic of discussion is the Marine in Iraq who shot the Iraq insurgent to death. We pick up as the reporter asks about how this potential war crime will affect our image in the world:

Marine: "What kind of a pansy-assed question is that?"

Reporter 1: "Well I think...."

Marine: "THINK, Fancy boy?! Get this through that septic tank on top of your shoulders, moron: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? That Marine shot an ENEMY COMBATANT, ****HEAD; SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU MY OWN PERSONAL PIN CUSHION!!! Next question: You in the blue suit."

Reporter 2: Don't you think that the world's opinion of our operations is important?

Marine: "Oh sure! You don't know the times I have cried myself to sleep worrying about what some goddamned French pansy thinks! Oh the days I have had to weep because some sh*t eating terrorist *******er might be mad at us, because we went into whatever god forsaken hole in the sh*t that he lives in and killed him. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT YOU PETER-PUFFING JACKASS?? WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND WHEN YOU ATTACK US, WE ARE GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BLOW YOUR STINKING CAMEL-LICKING CARCASS INTO PIECES SO SMALL WE WILL BE ABLE TO BURY YOUR SORRY ASS IN A THIMBLE!! YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. YOU ARE PROBABLY AFRAID, THINKING THAT I HAVE SUCH AN "EXTREME" ATTITUDE AND THAT I NEED TO BE MORE SENSITIVE" TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU POLE-SMOKING PANSY! I DON'T GIVE TWO ****S WHAT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! THIS IS A DAMN WAR, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SUCK ON MAMMA'S TIT!! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU RUNT?? NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND BEAT THE LIVING sh*t OUT OF YOU!!! Next question: YOU WITH THE UGLY-ASSED TIE. LOOK AT THAT THING! IT IS HIDEOUS."

Reporter: 3: "Aren't you going against the freedom of the press by..."

Marine: "FREEDOM?? WHAT IN BLUE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FREEDOM? I HAVE SWEATED MY ASS OFF IN JUNGLES, WHILE BEING SHOT AT FOR THIS NATION!! WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE sh*t-SUCKING WEASEL? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE LINE FOR ANYTHING? AND YET YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED TEMERITY TO SHOW UP HERE AND MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK THE ACTIONS OF A BRAVE MARINE, WHO WAS DEFENDING HIMSELF AND HIS UNIT FROM AN ATTACK BY SOME MURDEROUS AL-QUEDA SYMPATHIZER!!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT, NUMBNUTS? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT A BUNCH OF GRABASSTIC, ORGANIZED MORONS WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES DOING THEIR BEST TO PORTRAY OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN AS WAR CRIMINALS! I AM CONCERNED ABOUT CHICKEN-sh*t PANSIES THAT WANT US TO NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS AND WHINE ABOUT THEIR PISS-ANT "FREEDOMS"!!"

Reporter: 3: "I..."

Marine: "DID YOU HAVE A BIG BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING, NUMBNUTS? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF THAT COMMIE CRY-HOLE IN THAT sh*t-PILE YOU CALL A HEAD! AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE REST OF YOU PANSY-ASSED MORONS! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I SHOVE MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON MY SHOELACES!!!!"

Marine DI's have a language all their own. God bless them all!!

[Captain Vlad]

The reporter would then quote him verbatim, which would probably get him demoted, sigh, and look for someone who wasn't acting like a self-important jackass.

[August]

What i'd like to see in that scenario is for a reporter to stand up and say:

"Stand at attention you stupid foul mouthed Jarhead. I am an American citizen and you work for me, not the other way around, and you'd do well to remember that, as well as the fact that the pen is mightier than the sword.

So unless you have a hankering for your next duty station to be in the type of crap hole reserved for those who embarrass the Corps like you've been doing, or instead an early retirement to brood out your remaining days in an arthritic, alcoholic fog in some rusty, dusty trailer park back home in your home town of Looserville then you'll just answer the question and leave the ad libbing to us professionals.

Now, "at ease" and continue. You may smoke them if you got them."

[sunvalleyslim]

Hey Guys,
Those quotes come from Arlee Emery (hopefully I spelled his name right). The DI in "Full Metal Jacket"...I have had the pleasure of actually meeting "The Man". He is a true American Hero and humble to boot. Got to spend about 45 mins with him when he was the Grand Marshall of a St. Patricks Day Parade in L.A.....Believe, that most of you guys would have found him fuuny and humble....As a Warrior he is the essence of believing in fighting for the freedom of your Country

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by sunvalleyslim

Hey Guys,
Those quotes come from Arlee Emery (hopefully I spelled his name right).

Fairly close. It's actually R. (for Ronald) Lee Ermey.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._Lee_Ermey

I agree with August and USLC. The quotes are the kind of thing a marine DI would say to his recruits, but saying them to a reporter would get him demoted at the very least. Marines are gentlemen too, and from what I've read Ermey is no exception. He does put on a great show, though.

[SteamWake]

Kind of reminds me of when Pattom bitch slapped a soldier for cowardace.

He (Patton) was stunned at the reaction.

[Captain Vlad]

Originally Posted by August

What i'd like to see in that scenario is for a reporter to stand up and say: (clipped for brevity)

[Aramike]

Originally Posted by August

What i'd like to see in that scenario is for a reporter to stand up and say:

To conclude the press conference:

Marine: "UN-ASS MY A.O.!"

[UnderseaLcpl]

August is absolutely right, and no Marine worth his salt would be caught dead lambasting a civvie like that, especially in an official capacity.

That being said, I found it funny, although the amount of prominent swearing was a bit below average. Ideally, every sentence should have the F-word in it at least once, or even better, some amalgamation of the F-word and the subject of the sentence. It should also contain at least one sentence containing nothing but variations of the F-word.