The night before Christmas in a PC world...

[Chock]

'Twas the night before Christmas
(although it could have been the night before any other religious festival if you prefer, or even a non denominational celebration),
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
(or any other rodent for that matter);

The stockings were hung by the chinmey with care
(note that these could be stockings worn by a man, or woman, and the wearing of such items by either sex is perfectly acceptable behaviour in a free society),
in hopes that St Nicholas would be there
(It should also be noted that Nicholas was never officially cannonised by the Church);

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads
(note that sugar plums should only be given to children as part of a strictly balanced diet);

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and me in my cap,
had just settled down for a long winter's nap
(although these outfits are of course completely interchangeable, should anyone desire to express themselves without being held to sexual stereotypes which might infringe upon their personal freedom of expression);

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
(obviously springing from your bed with a view to defending your property from intruders is your right, but should only be attempted if you are confident in your abilities, otherwise, you should call the emergency services);

Away to the window, I flew like a flash
(note that other operating systems besides Windows are available, as are
other web animations programs apart from Flash),
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash;

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
gave the lustre of mid-day to the objects below;

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer
(obviously other animals are perfectly capable of serving this purpose too, and no inference of their inability to pull a sleigh should be inferred by the selection of reindeer for the task);

The little old driver, so lively and quick
(note that in contrast to the practice of using old drivers not being recommended for optimal computer performance, there is of course nothing wrong with being either old, or little, where people are concerned),
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick
(see earlier caveat).

More rapid than eagles (citation needed), his coursers they came,
And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name
(note that in addition to parking your vehicle on someone's lawn, it is also extremely unsociable to shout and whistle in a built-up residential area late at night, and may in fact contravene several local laws);

'Now Dasher! now, Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen!
On Comet! on Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!
(also note that the omission of Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer in the team is not a reflection of his unsuitability for the task, despite his nasal disability)
To the top of the porch! (other sports cars are available) to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!'

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
(note that flying vintage WW2-era aircraft wildly is not recommended),
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
(please ensure that your tray tables are in the upright and stowed position before attempting to mount to the sky).

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St Nicholas too
(several laws appear to be contravened here, overloading a sleigh with toys, not to mention bringing them into the country without an import licence - neither practice is recommended).

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
the prancing and pawing of each little hoof
(please note that prancing and pawing someone's roof is likely to lead to damage to the tiling and watertight integity of the structure, and is therefore not to be encouraged).

As I drew my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney, St Nick (see earlier caveat), came with a bound (whilst not technically breaking and entering, it is trespass being enacted here, and you are therefore perfectly within your rights to use any force necessary to deter such an intruder).

He was dressed all in fur (this is of course not politically correct at all), from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot
(soot could well contain carcinogens and is of course highly dangerous, not to mention messy);

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack
(there is of course nothing wrong with looking like a peddler, it is a perfectly honest way to make a living).

His eyes how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
(these are all telltale signs of being intoxicated, which is of course not recommended whilst controlling a vehicle, even if it is a sleigh)

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
(note that drawing a bow should only be attempted after archery training or under the supervision of a suitably trained instructor),
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow
(this could of course be snow, or the fact that his beard was greying, but given the evidence of his ruddy complexion and manic grin, a check for other substance abuse is recommended);

The stump of a pipe, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath
(note that secondary smoke can constitute a hazard to health);

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed like a bowlfull of jelly
(note that being overweight enough to shake like a jelly when you laugh is not healthy).

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf
(see above note about the dangers of obesity, and the need to be especially careful regarding one's body mass index, particularly if you are an elf),
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself
(note that mocking the afflicted is not very nice);

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to knowing I had nothing to dread
(beware making snap judgements about the integrity of mystery foreign types who invade your homeland based on meagre evidence such as winks and twists of heads);

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
(whilst migrant workers are perfectly capable of performing work in a foreign land, despite language barriers, and this should be encouraged, bear in mind that this is only providing they are legally entitled to do so, and there is some doubt in this case),
And filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk
(now you see the dangers of trusting an initial judgement based purely on appearance and gestures, one minute the man is all smiles, the next minute you find he is accompanied by a jerk, who has ingratiated his way into your home).

And laying his finger aside of his nose
(note that in some cultures, this is an extremely rude gesture),
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose
(note that having someone who is clearly overweight force their way down and then back up your chimney could lead to extensive structural damage that will be both difficult and costly to repair);

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
(as noted, the man is in no condition to be in charge of a vehicle, and he is also being very unsociable whistling loudly at night in a built up residential area - this is not recommended),
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle
(this is doubtful, as there would be little thermal activity in the air at night in December, and clearly shows the man's judgement is impaired with regard to choosing suitable weather for a flight in a vehicle not equipped for instrument flight or icing conditions).

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
'Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.'
(as noted previously he should actually have exclaimed 'Happy non-denominational season festive celebration to all, at this juncture).

Chock

[Reaves]

A true PC nut would protest against the use of any animals to pull a sleigh. It is typical of someone who mistreats animals to expect another LIVING creature to do manual labour so some fat guy doesn't have to walk. Just another sign of man's ignorant distruction of this planet and the forced slavery of it's inhabitants.