Lost my father

[GoldenRivet]

My dad practiced anesthesia for 48 years. He was the hardest working man i have ever known. He died at work, of a sudden and massive heart attack, on September 1st, shortly after finishing a patient's surgical procedure.

Today was the date of my fathers funeral. I just wanted more than anything to get today over with. I tried to show strength, and be a stoic, and for the most part i was successful. He had a good service. Several of his old friends spoke and it was nice to hear their old stories, and listen to their kind words.

The pain of my dad's passing has not really set in yet. I have simply been too busy with many other things to focus myself on the grief. Nights are hard. I hate that my father is gone yet i recognize that this is just part of life.

I admit there have been a few times where i saw something funny and picked up the phone to text him a joke, or a meme. Over the next week or so i feel that it will hit me fully hat i cannot do these things anymore.

Memories are all that remains. Of course, there are still the old photographs, the dress shoes, baseball gloves, birthday cards, certificates and awards... the things a man amasses during his life.

I struggle with those things.

Looking through my dad's old photos i see him in his older years, as a young dad, as a teen, as a child. I see him with his parents on christmas in 1966, or with his grandparents in 1954. I see distant cousins, family friends, great grandparents. i struggle with the idea that i know some of their names, but the older the photos get, the less i know of who these people are or what they did. on a long enough timeline - perhaps another generation or two, all of these people will be lost to time. these photos and keepsakes i suppose are destined for the landfill eventually

i also struggle with reconciling the above, with my beliefs:

we are responsible for leaving this world in a better condition than when we entered it. Ultimately, our destiny is not to be forgotten, really... our destiny is perhaps to leave this life and rejoin whatever heavenly realm it is where our souls reside and thrive forever, aside those we knew and loved... where all of our good deeds and selfless acts are known to all, for eternity.

I heard a great quote today; "When you were born into this world you were crying, and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when your life is over... the world cries, and you rejoice"

I openly admit that i have not been a good son to my father the past several years. I didnt call him enough, i didnt text him enough, i didnt visit enough. I could have done better.

however, on the other side of that coin of thought - many of the reasons i havnt made the time to be a good son to my father - is that i was working to be a good father myself, working to be a good husband, and a good business owner with a working spirit.

i suppose in doing those things i was - in some way - being a better son than i thought.

Its easy to feel like the things we do in life dont matter. but the truth is, if we are living well, and living right, and doing things that touch the lives of others in a positive way - those little connections can have lasting impacts that span generations, and shape the future in ways we cannot comprehend.

Ultimately that is what moves the human race forward, one agonizing inch at a time.