How to get the British Police to Act

[STEED]

OK, some of you guys in the U.K may have heard of this one, so here goes. A man phones his local police station to report a burglar in his outhouse or garage he is told by the police, sorry sir we have no police cars in the area and it will take a minimum of a hour to send some one round, the man hangs up the phone and rings back two minutes latter. The man now tells the police don’t panic I shot the burglar and in less than ten minutes six police cars turn up, the man tells the police the burglar is in there. The police said you told us you shot the burglar the man reply’s you told me you had no police cars in the area.

A true story.

[Bellman]

''The staggering elephant.''

The following is a report of a case tried at Ryde court of petty sessions, 1901.

''Statement by a witness PC Cook: While proceeding on duty down Union Street, I observed an elephant behaving in a disorderley manner,
endangering members of the public by violent movements of its trunk and tail. I cautioned the the offender who made no reply but produced
a certain sound from its rear end. It then attempted to gallop off, but I noted it was unsteady in its movements.''

''When it reached the Marine Hotel, it fell over. Pursuing my enquires, I examined the elephant which I found was a skin on a framework,
propelled from inside by two men (the defendants) dressed in elephant legs.''

''I arrested them on a charge of beeing drunk in charge of an unsafe device. The defendants pleaded they had been offered intoxicating liquor
by a member of the public and had become detached from the Ryde carnival procession.''

''Found guilty as charged and fined 2 shillings and sixpence with six shillings costs.''

[Bellman]

True story - Press Clippings from the BBC News Quiz.

The Interpreter.

A judge presiding over a motoring offence case in the County Court established that the defendant was German and did not speak English.
Wishing to be fair he called the defence counsel to the bench to consult and was told that no interpreter had been called to aid his client.

Addressing the courtroom the judge asked whether there was anyone in the Public Gallery who could speak German who would volunteer
to assist the defendant by acting as an interpreter. He got his volunteer who was invited to stand alongside the German.

''Please ask the defendant his name'' the judge requested of the volunteer who leant forward and poked a finger into the startled Germans chest.............''Vot is your name ?'' He asked.

Citing ''wasting the courts time...'' the judge fined the 'interpreter' £200 for contempt of court.

[Yahoshua]