Techarin's if Silent Hunter 5 was the real deal

[Kuniworth]

copied from UBI's forum...


Just a sec .... *alt tab* "Syncing Savegames with Server" .... *alt tab*

I got a few minutes and started thinking, what if real life had been like SH5?

*blur wipe to captain sitting at his station*

Capt. Log March 14th 1941 point 3,

My new crew and I are on our first patrol together. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I have to remember not to hit the bottle so hard; though I couldn't help it this time. Last night I boarded the ship to find my XO is a cyclopes and has the admirals fist secured squarely up his... well, I guess the admiral hasn't heard of strings. The XO began by introducing me to the crew starting with "Sound Guy" and "Radio Guy." I asked why they didn't have more inventive nicknames only to hear these were their "official" titles. Apparently the BDU is letting Kindergarten into the office again. We moved on with the tour of the boat. It might have been the hangover but I could swear my footsteps were at least 25Db louder than usual. The ship however seemed to be in good shape though.

Half way through the tour, the WO yelled "Task force spotted!"

I sounded battle stations. "Bearing to targets?" I inquired.

"Task force spotted!" the WO repeated.
"Yes, I understand that. Give me the bearing!"
"Task force spotted!"

Astounded by the incompetence of the WO I quickly made my way to the watch tower and got out my binoculars. There was a group of 5 unescorted merchant ships to the starboard.

"Ahead flank! Right 10deg. rudder!" I ordered.

"Aye sir! Extreme speed head! Right 1deg!" the XO replied.

"XO! I said Flank and 10deg rudder!"
"Sir, Extreme speed is the new flank and I only know how to go 1 deg and 35 deg to either side?"

I paused for a moment. "Alrighty then, Extreme speed ahead and 35deg starboard."

"Range to target?" There was no reply. "Range to target!?" There was no reply. "Nav. Officer! Range to target?" I shouted. Again, no reply. The Nav. officer merely stared back at me. Christ, I thought to myself. I pulled out the map and calculated the range: 2500m. Why didn't the watch see them sooner... whatever

"WO, man the deck gun."

"MAN THE DECK GUN," the WO bellowed.

I ordered the deck gun crew to fire on the closest ships. After a few solid hits it began to sink. My first kill!

Without orders the deck gun crew began to fire on a 2nd merchant. "Whoa!" I shouted. "WO, secure the deck gun."

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

"No, secure it!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN

"Sailor! I order you to cease fire!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

"Christ! Nav officer, prepare to dive. What's our depth under keel!"

The Nav Officer again just stared at me. "Hello?" I said over the com. "Ah, forget it. Dive! All hands below, Secure the deck gun! Dive!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

Yeah, you stay here and take care of that

I started below, the hatch closing behind me. Realizing the watch crew was still on deck, I poked my head down from the con to order a halt to the dive. Immediately I noticed the entire watch crew already below deck. I could have sworn I was the first one down but I didn't have time to think about that.

"Periscope depth, ahead standard, rudder amidships."

"Aye sir! Half speed ahead."

"No no... standard, ahead standard."

"Yes sir, half speed is the new standard."

Seriously? Could BDU have really let that many 5 year olds in. "Ok then, half speed ahead! Up periscope."

I peered through the scope eying the burning wreckage of the first ship and the other ships making a futile attempt to escape. The crew was quiet, except for the muttering of the WO who was whispering to himself, "man the deck gun... we have to man the deck gun."

Next time I see the admiral I'll have to remember to thank him for the wonderful crew

We were within 1000m now so I began calculations for firing torpedos. "XO, where are the TDC controls?"

"Sir?"

"The TDC damnit! The thing you use to aim the torpedos!!"

"Oh sir, now we look at the map. You see this #2, when it is on top of this other #2 you order me to fire."

...
...
...

Yep, BDU had definitely been invaded by Kindergarten.

As the numbers came closer and closer together tension began to build. This kill would end our patrol and I could return to base an ACE. Finally the moment of glory... "FIRE!!"

"Aye sir! Torpedos away!"

I watched eagerly, my stopwatch ticking the seconds until history would record my name. Suddenly, without warning or explanation the target vanished!

"What happened! 'Sound Guy' report all contacts!"

"Sir?"

"Oh never mind, surface!"

I ran to the watch tower and looked everywhere; my target was no where to be found. "XO, where'd they go."

"Where'd what go sir?"

"My target!"

"What target sir... oh, and by the way, your torpedos missed... arrrr"

I went below. I went to my cabin.

This was not the navy I once new. Command has been overrun by 5 year olds. My crew has obviously never had any training. Nothing works like it's supposed to. And not that it matters since the Allies have invented some type of teleportation technology. As I began hitting my head against the bulk head, I heard it.

I heard it... echoing down the con... throughout the entire ship... The sound that will drive me to the brink of insanity... The personification of all that is wrong with the world... the epitome of all incompetence...

"MAN THE DECK GUN"