[Brag]

Lt Fritz Gwitz writes:
07 November 1940

After being driven off by the escorts, we stalked the convoy. Rough seas and low visibility did not make our job easy. As good German sailors we carried on with our duty persistently persevering in the pursuit of our prey to bring greatness to the Vaterland.

At 0300 hours, we dove to periscope depth for another sound check.

Balz listened to the hydrophone. With disgust written on his face, he returned the headset to its hook. "They changed course again. In French they say Merde alors. But, I being a German gentleman and a war hero will say it in German. "Merde alors."
"That was in French," Bernard said.
"I said it in German."
"But it came out in French."
Balz snapped his tuning fork on Bernard's head. "Prepare your writing utensils. I will dictate a message." Balz placed his bowler hat on his head. "Get the English pencil out. I will dictate in English."
"Not in French?"
"Why should I dictate in French when you are going to write in English?"
"BDU normally reads its messages in German."
"That's because we send them in German."
"Then, why are going to dictate in English?"
"Because I'm not going to send it in French, you moron."
"Aaah, Bernard licked the tip of his pencil and stood poised ready to write.
Balz cleared his throat. "To Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Please notice that this message is written in English. Therefore you will not need a translator to read it. Unless you want to read it in French
"It has come to our attention, that your convoy commodores can not steer a straight course. This makes the convoy's track erratic. With all the corrections I have to make, the plotted course on my chart looks like I have been drunk while conducting the sober business of war against shipping. If you don't correct this in an expedient manner, you can rest assured you will not have my vote on your next election. End of message."
"Are you going to vote in the next British election?" Bernard asked.
"No, I prefer French elections."
"Then why didn't you write the message in French?"
"I didn't write the message. You did. And you wrote it in English, therefore if could not be in French."

Note: On 08 November, the following message arrived at 10 Downing Street.

To Prime Miser Winston Church. Please notice that this message is written in English by an English pencil. Therefgwtz you will need a tractor to read it. Unless you want to bread the French
It gassed come to our attention, that your cowboy commodores can not steer a straight horse. This makes the cowboys tramp erratic. With all the connections I have to make, the potted curse on my chart looks like I have been drunk while conducting the somber business of war against shopping. If you don't connect this in an expedient manner, you can rest assured you will have my vote on your next erection. End of message.