1.
Situtation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet
Cause: Mouth is not open while drinking or glassbeing applied to the wrong part of face
Action: Buy another pint and practice in front of the mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique will perfect.
2.
Situation: Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear
Cause: Glass is empty
Action: Find someone who will buy another pint for you.
3.
Situation: Feet are cold and wet.
Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.
4.
Situation: Feet are warm and wet.
Cause: Loss of the self control.
Action: Go and stand next to the nearest dog and after a while complain to it's owner about dog's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.
5.
Situation: Bar blurred.
Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Action: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
6.
Situation: Bar is swaying.
Cause: Air turbulence unusually high... maybe due to darts match in progress.
Action: Insert a broom handle down back of the jacket.
7.
Situation: Bar is moving.
Cause: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another pub. If not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked!
8.
Situation: You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has fluorescent light strip across it.
Cause: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm: stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
9.
Situation: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog ends and teeth.
Cause: You have fallen over forwards.
Action: As for falling over backwards. See above.
10.
Situation: You have woken up to find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action: Check your watch to see is it opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
11.
Situation: Everything has gone dark.
Cause: The pub is closing.
Action: Panic!!
Have a nice weekend!
