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Old 09-07-11, 10:50 AM   #28
flag4
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...i like it. i think it snaps along nicely from what i have read so far.

my only thing is this:His gaze rested on the laptop sitting on a 1930s style chest of drawers matching an armoire of the same period.'


i think this sentence is a bit clunky and a a bit long winded. i think you should name the 1930's style chest of drawers - the design/period, the maker. i think it would tighten this sentence and lend it more brevity and polish, because the rest of the writing clicks along smoothly in terse dialogue and narrative. name things when they can be named, Art Deco, perhaps?

have i gone too far? no offence intended
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