[Col7777]

Now I use a completely different method.

The conversation goes something like this:

1st Officer - “A ship has been spotted about 7000 yards off the port bow sir.”
Me- “OK number 1, I’ll work out a target solution.”
1st Officer thinks to himself, ‘Oh no not again.’
Me - “Right number1, we left port on Wednesday or was it Thursday, well no matter. What day is it today?”
1st Officer - “Sunday sir.”
Me - “Right so we multiply Wednesday by Sunday and divide by the position of the sun, where is the sun number 1?”
1st Officer - “Over there sir.”
Me - “Right OK, so we multiply Wednesday by Sunday and divide by over there, so where is this ship number 1?”
1st Officer - “On port side about 7000 yards and closing sir.”
Me - “How fast is it going?”
1st Officer - “Not sure sir, I’m no good at that sort of thing.”
Me - Neither am I number 1,well never mind, open the bow tubes and get ready to fire.”
1st Officer - “Sorry sir but that would be a waste of time because we have not more torpedoes left at the front end.”
Me- Well OK open the stern tubes then, we are going to sink this one, I can feel it in my water number 1.”
1st Officer - “We are pointing in the wrong direction to get any where near sir, we will need to turn I think.”
Me - Nonsense number 1, I’ve made all the calculations, get ready to fire.”
1st Officer - (sigh) “OK sir ready when you are, but I do think we need to turn a little first.”
Me - “Just get ready number 1, I know what I’m doing.”
1st Officer - “Ready sir.”
Me - “Fire one!”
1st Officer - “We can’t fire one sir, it has already been fired.”
Me - “Well fire two then.”
1st Officer - “That’s been fired too sir, we only have one torpedo left sir.”
Me - “Well I was right then fire one.”
1st Officer - (sigh) “Yes sir, five fired… eh, I mean one sir.”
Stopwatch ticks away…
Soundman - “Torpedo sounds detected sir.”
Me - “Course they are, I just fired one you stupid boy.”
Soundman - “But sir the sound is getting closer.”
BOOM!
Later floating on the water…
Me - “Well we did hit something number 1.”
1st Officer – “Yes sir, even if it was ourselves, good shooting sir.”
Me – “Do you think I should have divided instead of multiplying or visa –versa?”