I Dont Understand It
 

My wife of seven years has a sister.

this sister, at age 28 has had every opportunity to go to school, get an education, become a nurse at the local hospital's expense... and was even guaranteed a job before even completing the nursing program.

Yet... she has more or less abandoned her daughter and son... and has fallen in with a crowd of lowlifes, druggies, thugs, thieves, gangsters and the like.

my in-laws, who are good successful people, wish to take custody of the children... as their mother seems to want nothing to do with them... she only wants to use them as something to hold over my in-laws heads.

she has removed her beloved children (my niece and nephew, her parents grand kids) from the scenery of our life and hidden them away from the family because we dont support her lifestyle.

she refuses to return anyone's calls, and nobody knows for certain where the children (ages 3 and 7) are living or what those conditions are.

what i don't understand.

why do people associate themselves with thugs and criminals and druggies as she has done?

why do people who have every opportunity to become winners... cast away those opportunities in favor of being losers?

it would seem to me that most people in their late 20s would want to have a nice home or apartment, and have nice cars, and make a decent living and live a stable "good life", and provide for their children... guaranteeing as much as possible that the children have a promising or bright future.

what i dont understand is what is so appealing about the vagabond, bong water soaked lifestyle of sleeping in one slum apartment one night and some run down meth lab the next night and spending the night with a random "friend" another night in what is arguably the most disgusting, trashy, run down apartment complex in town?

I dont understand.

when i was in my very early 20's... all i wanted to do was live on that "ritzy" side of town... own a nice car... have a loving and reliable wife... have a nice yard and a job capable of supporting it all.

Some might call it the "American Dream" but its not exclusive to America so its not fair to call it that... i call it a normal, productive, upstandign life.

its no fantasy

anyone can do it

one just has to get an education, and spend time "building their empire"...

and every day i see kids - not unlike my sister in law - with head to toe gang colors, bandannas over their faces, hats turned sideways and crooked, pants down to their knees with underwear hanging out... covered in tattoos of various vulgarities and piercings of various sizes and shapes too many to count all over their arms, legs and even their faces.

i just want to walk up and ask such people...

"Do you really expect the world to take you seriously?"

you and I both know that the world does NOT take such individuals seriously.

but what is it?

do they fear success?

do they fear that they wont look "cool"?

are they simply lazy?

stupid?

my family is near the end of their rope... child protective services is of little or no help... all we can do is speak to relatives, friends of the family and whoever will speak to us willingly to peice together the intricate parts of this puzzle my sister and law has laid out before us.

in the end.

to hell with my sister in law... in the 7 years i have been married into this family she has been a thorn.

the real victims are these children... who, according to the pictures on myspace are being taught things like gang signs, and how to dress like thugs and drug dealers.

i pray for a swift solution which places these children on a path of dignity, grace, education and a quality lifestyle.

She may not understand how you think its so cut and dry.

Sounds like she was being pressured a fair bit into being a nurse, maybe she didn't want to and didn't know what she wanted to be?

Most likely she fell into her lifestyle and doesn't know how to get out.

(Edit: woo 1337 posts)

so far as im aware... she has wanted to be a nurse since graduating high school.

no matter what she wants to be for a living... that has nothing to do with it.

the choice is hers to make the life she wants, and it is her responsibility to care for her kids... not drop them off at a stranger's house and forget them.

Sounds like a drug problem to me. Sounds like a meth problem. If that is the case than her fate is most likely sealed as the drug and its cravings become more important that family, God, Friends (In the real sense and not the trash she associates with).

Statistically the odds are against her getting off of Meth as it really is a life ruining drug. I have been to rehab centers and counseling with my Ex-wife who had a pre existing Meth problem from the Age of 11. People that use Meth regularly can quit, they just cannot stay quit and some trigger in their life will usually suck them back in within 6 months. I have learned the hard way that a perfectly normal trustworthy person can flip and disapear for weeks at a time only to call on your help when they hit bottom and usually after you spend alot of your personall life helping them up and building trust again when you least expect it they are gone, and usually they take anything of yours that is valuable with them.

Meth=death and as far as having any sort of normal life its almost 100% fatal.:nope:

First off John my heart go's out to you and her family.

I could give you the answer but I doubt you want to hear it.

That also is the part that's sad.

I could guess :nope:

who knows what will come of this

There is no "pat" answer. Drugs screw up lives, and your seeing it. But ultimately, while I can sympathize with those caught in such a web, it was their CHOICE to step into it. So that sympathy has its limits.

The concern is for the innocent children, who grow up learning what? They don't see how responsible choices lead to responsible, and fullfilling, lives. Too often, that puts them on the path to failure as well.

My son, whom I have custody of, visits his mother every other weekend. His oldest brother, now 17, is on house arrest at his mothers home for conspiracy to commit armed robbery. His oldest sister and her husband, along with their 2 VERY YOUNG children, also are staying in his mother's home due to them both facing multiple felony drug charges (possession and intent to sell - schedules 1,2 and 3). I don't talk to him about those young people, but I have sat him down, time and again, to discuss with him how his choices in life are helping him to succeed every day. As a parent, we have to reinforce the values and ethics in our children, and he has grown into a strong little man able to hold his own and choose right no matter what. To say I am proud of him is the worlds biggest understatement. Sure I cringe whenever he goes, but I know that he has learned to be strong enough to keep on the right road.

Unfortunately, as it appears in your sister-in-law's case, she lacked that. No one can say why really, but for whatever reason she made her choices. The thing now is - what can you do to protect the children. Ultimately, you can only do so much, but do what you can to keep up to date with what is going on, because often people that choose that path end up providing the opportunities you need to act for those kids.

You can get kids help if you can prove that the mother is a danger to them and to herself.

You need the entire family support for this... see a lawyer and try to get power of attorney over the kids.. or the grandparents have that responsibility... Whatever it takes to save the children..

She's lost for now... The kids can be saved. I've had a similar situation with my nephew.. My brother spent thousands of dollar to at least have the right to see his son... His xgirlfriend is a daughter to a biker gang boss in life prison for murder etc... His pull has payed off some judges and made our battles really difficult for us... Also laws favor women in our province.. Men have virtually no rights to children when there are breakups here. Very sad.

No matter what happens people will get hurt... its ugly..and nasty..

I feel your pain.

Goodluck.

WH

thank you all for the comments.

What in Tartaros does religion have to do with this?

Well honestly its not the drugs that screw up lives its lack of moderation and self control that screws up lives, though if you take meth or heroin your pretty much an idiot.

I'm afraid I can't really say anything that would help solving the problem, but I wanted to let you know that my thought's are with you on this. That is really a nasty situation.:nope:

Thats easy, methamphetamine + religion = Ted Haggard.
Then again I do know people who have found religion good in getting off the downward spiral.


As for this topic GoldenRivet, there is only really one way . It may not be pleasant and it will cause lots of trouble with the family(but that exists anyway by the sounds of it).
Your in-laws will have to get their daughter reported to child welfare as an unfit mother and have the children made wards of court by the State and taken into care.
Then apply as next of kin(unless the childrens father who you do not mention applies) for legal guardianship.
It is a long process which can be complicated and expensive, and may not even get the desired result, but unless they can get a voluntary agreement with their daughter it is the only viable option.

Possible answers to the question "Why?" count by the millions, count by all the many moments in a human's life per day that are unique and mean to him something else than to any other human on earth. And they all interact, work together or neutralise each other. An answer found by one person for a given situation, may be meaningless for another person.

Sometimes finding the answer to this question "Why?" can open a road to constructive help, either helping oneself, or somebody else. However, talking as an ex-psychologist here, the importance of understanding the answer to "Why" is overestimated. Knowing that answer does nothing in itself, and it must not necessarily form new options. On the other hand, changes in behavior and deeds getting done can be tried even without knowing the answer to "Why?". Psychobabbling you can undergo for many years, and it leads you nowhere than to your intellect f#cking itself and feeling gay that way. What is really important for people is that they come to their senses that are beyond their thinking, and are of far more basic nature than thinking. And most people are running around with too many ideas and thoughts about and images of themselves anyway.

Focus on the obvious, guard your family, and do what is available to you in measures to safeguard the children you mentioned.

Keep an eye at that women, but keep your distance, and keep your family distant from her as well. Not before a real opportunity arises, you should consider to get engaged in some constuctive endavour to help. But that window of opportunity cannot be opened by you just because you want it, or your wife does. The grip is on her side of the glass.

Well that's the thing isn't it. AA for example is a 100% christian organisation, and being the most 'famous' organisation that tries to rehabilitate alcoholics it's no wonder that quite a few ex-alcoholics are religious.

And the same is true of prisons too, the church has a veritable monopoly when it comes to re-education and downright brainwashing of prisoners. And it's not like a lot of people even consider prisoners right to non-religious things a basic human right. Same is true of old people, lots of force feeding of religious things to old people, and also to soldiers in the army. And of course kids in school. The list goes on and on.