SUBSIM Radio Room Forums

SUBSIM Radio Room Forums (https://www.subsim.com/radioroom/index.php)
-   General Topics (https://www.subsim.com/radioroom/forumdisplay.php?f=175)
-   -   Jokes about Jewish people (https://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=169204)

Bilge_Rat 05-10-10 01:19 PM

Avisitor came to Israel and saw the Western Wall. Not being too religious, he asked another tourist about the significance of the Wall.The other tourist explained, "This is a sacred wall. If you pray to it, God may hear you."

The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray:
"Dear Lord," he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land."

A commanding voice answered: "I will, my son."

The visitor said: "Bring prosperity to this land."

"I will, my son."

"Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord."

The voice answered: "You're talking to a wall!"

Safe-Keeper 05-10-10 01:19 PM

This one is so awesome. I guess the matchstick girl is a Kurd or something:O:.

http://irancartoon.com/120/holocaust...ohammadi10.jpg

Quote:

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
:rotfl2:

Sailor Steve 05-10-10 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat (Post 1387560)
A well off southern woman living near an army base in the deep American south wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she decided to invite 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls.

She calls the base and asks to speak to the general in charge. Excitedly she gets right to the point, about inviting 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls, but then adds 'Don't send any Jews!,' to which the General after a pause answers 'OK'.

The next weekend with the party getting underway there's a knock on the southern woman's door. When she opens the door there stands five big BLACK Army officers.

'There must be some mistake,' she mumbles.

'No mam,' answers the Black captain. 'General Cohen never makes mistakes!!!'

:rotfl2:

One of my old favorites!:yeah: I'd forgotten it, though. Thanks for reminding me!:rock:

DarkFish 05-10-10 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat (Post 1387587)
The only advantage is that it is very easy to spot the anti-semites and right-wing nut jobs by the jokes they post. OneToughHerring obviously fits into both categories.

Well yeah, it kinda surprises me that in a thread about Obama jokes OTH immediately starts talking about racism against black persons, while shortly after he starts a new thread with jokes about Jews. If jokes about black people are racism in his eyes, how then can jokes about Jews not be racism?

Personally, I think both should be allowed. As long as it stays civil, what's wrong with jokes?:)
(BTW, anyone know any jokes about Dutchmen? Been a long time since I last heard one)


anyway, back on topic:

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

GoldenRivet 05-10-10 02:18 PM

Late one night a fully loaded Cargo jet is over the ocean en route from China to LAX.

The Captain is a devout Jew.

The first officer is Chinese, and is new with the company.

This is the first night the two men had ever flown together and other than check list items over the past 2 hours they havn't spoken a single word to one another.

under the thousands of twinkling stars and the ever sprawling ocean the Chinese first officer can no longer stand the silence.

"So, Captain, why you no speak to me for this entire fright? this fright to LAX is a long fright and tings will be vewy bowing if we not going to talk to each other."

the Jew captain looks at the first officer with a stern look on his face

"I'm not talking to you because you're Chinese, i dont like you damned Chinese because you bombed pearl harbor."

the Chinese first officer is a bit taken back... he says

"Whaa!? Chinese no bomb pearl harbor thas crazy... Japanese bomb pearl harbor!"

the Jew Captain says...

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... its all the same to me."

The Chinese first officer says

"Fine! I no wanna talk to you anyway because i no like stupid Jews!... Damn Jews sink that Titanic!"

The Jew captain looks at the first officer and says

"Jews didnt sink the Titanic you dumb ass... that was an iceberg!"

The chinese first officer says

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg... its all the same to me!"

joegrundman 05-10-10 02:21 PM

big lolz at that one gr

edit: and that one by darkfish was quite funny too

Raptor1 05-10-10 02:21 PM

Heard this one a while ago, so I can't remember exactly how it went:

Two Russian men stand in line to recieve food in the RSFSR. After 2 hours of waiting, a Chekist comes out and shouts "No food for Jews today!". The Jews go home and the first man says to the other "See, the Jews are always treated better than us", the other man gives him a puzzled look and they continue waiting in line. After three more hours of waiting the Chekist comes out again, he shouts "No food for anyone today!"

Well, it was funnier in the original version.

Sailor Steve 05-10-10 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raptor1 (Post 1387641)
Well, it was funnier in the original version.

I thought it was plenty funny the way you told it. I've never heard that one before.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are on a train. After awhile the cards come out, and the bet is a quarter a hand. Pretty soon the Cardinal strolls by. With prescience the cards disappear just before the door opens, but the Cardinal is still suspicious.

"Father, were you gambling?"

"No, your imminence." The priest lies, hoping he can do pennance later.

"Reverend, were you gambling?"

"No, Cardinal." The minister lies, thinking it's okay to lie to a Catholic.

"Rabbi, were you gambling?"

The rabbi looks at the other two, shrugs his shoulders and says "With who?"

Bilge_Rat 05-10-10 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarkFish (Post 1387631)

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

good one.

Safe-Keeper 05-10-10 03:06 PM

Quote:

Two Russian men stand in line to recieve food in the RSFSR. After 2 hours of waiting, a Chekist comes out and shouts "No food for Jews today!". The Jews go home and the first man says to the other "See, the Jews are always treated better than us", the other man gives him a puzzled look and they continue waiting in line. After three more hours of waiting the Chekist comes out again, he shouts "No food for anyone today!"
:rotfl2:

OneToughHerring 05-10-10 03:08 PM

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."
"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."


Favorite movie rentals for the Chanukah holiday

Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz 'N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss

Bilge_Rat 05-10-10 03:13 PM

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it.


What do you call a first time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!


A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police: "Honest, I am not a suicide bomber!", he said. " I did not say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins, all I said was ' I'm dying to get laid!'".

Sailor Steve 05-10-10 03:16 PM

:rotfl2::haha::har:

That last one tore the laughs out of me!:rock:

DarkFish 05-10-10 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilge_Rat (Post 1387696)
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police: "Honest, I am not a suicide bomber!", he said. " I did not say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins, all I said was ' I'm dying to get laid!'".

ROFLMAO:har:

OneToughHerring 05-10-10 03:28 PM

Fry and Zoidberg from Futurama rock out.

Sailor Steve 05-10-10 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OneToughHerring (Post 1387685)
Favorite movie rentals for the Chanukah holiday

Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz 'N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss

If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

OneToughHerring 05-10-10 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve (Post 1387713)
If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

Heard of it, haven't seen it.

Jewish!

UnderseaLcpl 05-10-10 03:55 PM

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

OneToughHerring 05-10-10 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by UnderseaLcpl (Post 1387744)
Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

Stealth Hunter 05-10-10 04:47 PM

Recent terrorist threats have caused the English to raise their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada, when Mother Nature saved them.

The Scottish raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels right now, and aren't likely to have any more in the future. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout and Hoot Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing with Fancy Mustaches". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides in the Middle of the Conflict".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs for the Sake of Nationalism". They have three higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor", "Elect Man with Fancy Facial Hair", and "Für das Vaterland!!!!!"

The Belgians and folks of the Netherlands, on the other hand, are all on holiday-as usual-- and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels and the levees failing, respectively. Their terror alert system anyway is based around the level of chocolate production, coupled with the status of the grain production from their windmill states.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy to combat the terrorist and Somali pirate threat simultaneously. These beautifully designed craft have glass bottoms. This way the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile-and as usual-- are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, mocking anyone who doesn't support them, and passing around bare-faced lies and threats, just in case.

MEANWHILE IN THE PACIFIC...

New Zealand has raised its security levels from "Bah" to "BAH!!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath, constructed from Kleenex boxes, tape, and rubber), they've only got one more level of escalation, which is: "Hopefully Australia Will Come and Save Us".

Australia has as a result raised its security level from "No Worries, Mate" to "She'll Be All Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey, Mate!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie This Weekend, Mate", and "Barbie's Cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of Australia's final escalation level.

Should one arise, god help us all.


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:42 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 1995- 2025 Subsim®
"Subsim" is a registered trademark, all rights reserved.