In need of some personal advice

[Rose]

Ok, so I know this is a Subsim forum, and not some hangout for the emotionally troubled... but I know we're a real tight community here, and I thought maybe you guys (and girls) could lend a kid some advice. Hell, I've even seen people ask for marriage help :D, so I reckon I'll give it a shot. Either that, or I'll turn out to be a complete fool. So here goes:

One of my closest friends (and the closest at my school), James, is getting into a bit of trouble (in my view at least). He is a great kid... never drinks and only been high a few times. He's hilarious, has alot of friends, and frankly, he doesn't need to get involved with that stuff. We hang out alot and always have a good time going to movies, skiing in the park, going to his country house, etc.

I got really down when I learned he first smoked weed, because I knew it would only lead to more things like that in the future, and his innocence went *poof* in an instant (clish'e and corny, I know, but I can't think of anything better).

At the end of last year, he started becoming the friend of this real fast kid (gets absolutely blitzed and trashed every weekend). This kid is in the group of kids who think they're real cool, get ****ed up every weekend, then talk about their experiences the whole rest of the week (you know, the "cool" clique... every school has one.). They think they're awesome, and they let everyone know it.

So anyway, my friend James and this kid have been innocent mates until something I found out tonight. When I asked James if he could hang out Friday, I learned he got invited to go out by some kids in this group, including the "fast" kid I mentioned earlier. I was absolutely devastated to say the least. I'm afraid he's gonna get completely ****ed up with this group, and he's gonna want to keep going back for more. I don't want it to get to his head, being with these people and getting trashed. I want to still be able to go to a normal movie with him and just chill.

I mean, we're 15... I've been trashed and stoned; had my fun. So of course, it was inevitable that when I spoke with him tonight, and expressed my worry about him getting involved with this group, James pulls out the "Oh stop patronizing me" card, "It's not like you haven't been wasted before," he told me. But you see, that wasn't my point. I am honestly worried about him. And this is different. These people he might hang out with are different, like I told you. I'm afraid he'll get so involved with these kids that he'll forget about his real mates. The very thought of it scares me.

I just don't want him to wind up in a hospital or end up having sex with some girl he just met that night. It's just not like him... he's destined for much better things. He's really a great kid... and I'm worried. Literally worried sick.

Sure, it plays out like a soap opera and I sound like a 7th grade girl... call it puberty if you will... And if no one responds I'll look like an utter fool and I'll just delete this... But I just would like your opinions, you know, on how to cope with this and maybe what to say to James. I just need to do everything in my power to try to stop this.

Yes, there are starving kids in Africa, war in the Middle East, and other terrible things happening in the world that are infinitely more important than this. I know Steve's situation isn't even comparable to this... but right here and right now, this is the most important thing to me. Go ahead, call me selfish, but even if no one responds, it feels good just to get this off my chest :D.

I'm just scared I might lose someone very dear to me.

Thanks everyone, this rant is officially over --

"Rose"

[Tchocky]

You'll have to be careful here, it looks like he's rather reactive. Maybe remind him not to do anything stupid (leaving it vague could help) and then let him make up his own mind?

[Camaero]

I don't think you can do anything yet. If you try to tell him not to, then he will just get upset and do it anyway. Just warn the fellow and let him know that you are concerned. He has to make up his own mind from there.

Some people need to hit rock bottom before they realize they are in a bad way. Sadly, sometimes they don't get a second chance.

I know someone who has had their entire life slip away from one night of taking meth. He almost killed a few others and he is now locked away. He was only 18 too. He didn't get a second chance.

Actually, there is someone who can do a lot to stop it. His parents. Have his father give him a good swift kick in the ass.

[kiwi_2005]

Are you his mother? If not let him be. Hes telling you to back of so back off. Tell him how you feel about what hes doing, and then leave it as that. Hopefully he will get sick of what hes doing and your be able to tell him "I told you so"

Keep an eye on him but dont interfere.

[cobalt]

well first off, you're worrying too much. this kind of thing can be settled with a little sit down conversation. let him go out and have his fun, we all do. and being your guys ages, its time to experiment. most importantly, when you talk to him have him understand his priorities first, above partying. its not all that terrible of a thing, its what kids do. as long as it doesnt become a problem, he should be just fine.

[The Avon Lady]

Quick advice:

1. You're a friend. Try to influence him for the better.

2. Don't let him drag you down with him, if all fails.

3. You're young. Look ahead.

[The Noob]

Actually, there is someone who can do a lot to stop it. His parents.

I have to say that i doubt this. How old is James?

Anything over 15 and the "Parent Time" is over. He will just tell them to *BLEEP* off, like he telled you.


Have his father give him a good swift kick in the ass.

A good demonstation of "Parent Violence", a thing that should be forwned upon. I am sick of stone-aged retards justifying it.

[MothBalls]

Take the post you wrote.

Print it out.

Give it to your parents and talk to them about it. If not them, a teacher, friends parents, someone you can trust and feel comfortable discussing it with.

If he's really your friend, the worse thing you could do would be to do nothing. It sounds like you may lose him as a friend anyway if he continues down this path, so you really don't have anything to lose, but everything to gain.

[mog]

I think that if you ask him to stop partying, or stop hanging around with those people, or even tell him you are worried about him, he will despise you. There's no real way to say those things without sounding pathetic to him. I would just let it go. You will drift apart, but in a few years time when he is more mature, and getting completely hammered has lost its novelty, you may end up very good friends once more.

[Skybird]

List your options. Examine your possebilities of realistical influence on him. Do not dream, do not wish, don't mix up what is with what you want it to be, examine it honestly, and try to leave out your ego. Practice those options that you find to be practicable. Beyond that - learn to accept, and let things rest that are beyond your control or influence. You can't do more than what you can do - and often people do that and find out later that that already had been too much, caused more harm then good. Honestly, your posting gives me the impression it all is more about something on YOUR mind, not so much about him. Nichts für ungut, good luck. ;)

[SubSerpent]

I say get high with him! :|\\

You only live once and your friend is fearing the growing up and getting old crowd!

You do understand that the moment we're born is also the moment we begin to die, right?!?

Live life to the fullest and don't be afraid of exploration! You're a kid for God's sake, do it now before you're too old and when the consequences to your actions get you in a lot more trouble!

[jumpy]

Relax, your mate will grow out of it, we all do ...eventually :roll:
I don't get smashed as often as I used to, but still every now and then. All work and no play makes jumpy a dull fellow :x
So long as he's not doing the hard stuff let him get on with it- he'll only resent it if you interfere too much. Besides (if you'll pardon the bluntness) you're both still kids; all too soon 'growing up' will mean something completely different when you're out in the big wide world supporting yourself and you'll have responsibilities whether you like it or not. Why make that happen any sooner than it has to?
Enjoy (within sensible reason ofcourse) what time you have left free of lifes myriad burdens.
In my experience true friends don't have to attempt to browbeat their mates into doing the right thing, to be propper friends. Better to be there for when people occasionally fall down and need picking up. Where time and changing teenage social circles advance as quickly as the weather, propper mates can pick up where they left off as though it were yesterday.

[_Seth_]

I think you have guts posting this here! Kudos to you, mate, you sound like you really care about your friend, and you are even willing to look "stupid" to do so! (It it not stupid posting this here, and you are NOT stupid, rose!!:D) When i was young, i was just like your friend. those who cared about me, said the same things you are saying. i wouldnt listen, because i had found my "place" in life........ The guys i hung out with, never demanded anything from me, i felt i was someone special, and the partying and drugs wasnt far away, fighting, even carried weapons, because we were "cool".... Then i realized: Im not going to be 15-16 years old all my life...im going to grow up, be an adult, maybe have a family.. those guys that i call "my friends": is this the people i want to have hanging around my kids?? I managed to break free due to real friends that never gave me up. they always was there for me, and i could thrust them. they understood, and they didnt make fun of me and my recent doings. Your friend needs you, all the way. Let him know you are there for him. Take him skiing in Aspen, just to get away, learn him to play SHIII, its better to be addicted to subs than drugs!

I respect you, mate, for telling this story in public. I hope everything works out! :rock:

[Skybird]

Isn't it interesting how much of our personality is revealed by all the different answers that we are giving to Rose' intial question...? :D

[SubSerpent]

You can still be friends, but wouldn't it be better to be friends on crack! :yep:

I say, "Friends don't let friends do drugs......alone"! :rock: :|\\

[HunterICX]

:-? Lost a m8 because of that drugs sharing group thing

first he was a clean kiddo, a good friend of mine. but then he start to hang out with this group...he start smoking drinking and doing drugs. I told him to watch out but he also pulled the ''Mind you own ****ing bussines'' card. Well, he stop hanging around with me , saw him barelly till one night I was walking my dog through the parque, I saw that hanging group my m8 hangs out with they where walking laughing away, and I saw someone vommiting, It was my m8, I watched from an distance untill he lied on an bench , shaking like hell....I walked over to him and the first thing I said ''Is this what you wanted?'' he said to me to **** off but I stayed.., I said look man, if you call that laughing bunch of idiots ur friends you must be really stupid. again he said to **** off....well this time I walked away and said the following thing ''Ok man Suit yourself bye now''

saw him 3 months later, he had been clean for a month again except for the smoking ocasionly and he dumped that group. well it didnt repaired our friendship but at least it didnt destroy his body.

so watch out before thing start out of hand with your m8 rose
drugs are bad. they destroy more then the user knows.
even the smallest pleasure of drugs can end up in an nasty adiction.
and once youre in its hard to get out.

[Bertgang]

I am the one who asked for "marriage help", my thanks to the whole community as I had excellent inputs.

Well, Rose, my two cents for you and your friend.

As young friend of a young man, you can't work like you were his mother or his psychologist; simply you haven't the age, the role, the experience and the moral authority to do so.

The best thing you can do for him, on my point of wiew, is to show that even his old lifestyle and friends have their appeal.
Don't search a direct, open comparison between the two groups, as you easyly could be the looser; simply give him the feeling that he's loosing lot of good things.

Time will say what will be his choice.

[Rose]

Thanks alot for all the replies everyone :D. There certainly are alot of varied answers out there. Some I agree with more than others...

SubSerpent, I think you are missing the point here. The thing is, I have gotten wasted with James a couple times... But that's not what we're all about. We just like talking, joking around, and hanging out. The point is that it's the people he's going to be with. They're sole purpose on the weekends is to get drunk/high and generally ****ed up. I don't want James to feel like he has to be that kind of person.

Also, I think it was Jumpy who said don't grow up too fast. Good advice, but that's not really what I was trying to get at. I mean, every couple months I'll get seriously schnockered (I'm trying to be original here... I think every other word for "drunk" has already been used on this thread). My first time in around February was by far the worst. I was projectile vomiting for two days... I was drinking pure, hard vodka... for four hours straight with my friends (not James). It was a real learning experience for me, and I almost hope he has a similar experience, although at the same time I really don't want anything bad like that to happen to him.

See, I drink/smoke only on occasion, and its never with the same one group. So its not a matter of growing up too fast. I think Bertgang hit the nail right on the head: it's literally a matter of which path he will choose -- me or them. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time, we'll just do the same normal things we've always done together. And Seth, I invited him out to Wisconsin over the summer (not quite the same as Aspen, but the same idea) so we'll see if he can come. I think just doing normal things will be good. Just like "old" times. Heh...

Once again, thanks for all of your support.

"Rose"

PS: Sorry about your mate Hunter... I just hope things don't get that out of hand with ol' James.

PPS: Camaeo, Mothballs -- I think if I told his parents I would never hear the end of it. Actually no... he would probably never speak to me again. I believe it's my responsibility to try and make things right. Even if all that entails is continuing to do the same old things with him, just to let him know what he's missing.

[SubSerpent]

Thanks alot for all the replies everyone :D. There certainly are alot of varied answers out there. Some I agree with more than others...

SubSerpent, I think you are missing the point here. The thing is, I have gotten wasted with James a couple times... But that's not what we're all about. We just like talking, joking around, and hanging out. The point is that it's the people he's going to be with. They're sole purpose on the weekends is to get drunk/high and generally ****ed up. I don't want James to feel like he has to be that kind of person.

Also, I think it was Jumpy who said don't grow up too fast. Good advice, but that's not really what I was trying to get at. I mean, every couple months I'll get seriously schnockered (I'm trying to be original here... I think every other word for "drunk" has already been used on this thread). My first time in around February was by far the worst. I was projectile vomiting for two days... I was drinking pure, hard vodka... for four hours straight with my friends (not James). It was a real learning experience for me, and I almost hope he has a similar experience, although at the same time I really don't want anything bad like that to happen to him.

See, I drink/smoke only on occasion, and its never with the same one group. So its not a matter of growing up too fast. I think Bertgang hit the nail right on the head: it's literally a matter of which path he will choose -- me or them. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time, we'll just do the same normal things we've always done together. And Seth, I invited him out to Wisconsin over the summer (not quite the same as Aspen, but the same idea) so we'll see if he can come. I think just doing normal things will be good. Just like "old" times. Heh...

Once again, thanks for all of your support.

"Rose"

PS: Sorry about your mate Hunter... I just hope things don't get that out of hand with ol' James.

PPS: Camaeo, Mothballs -- I think if I told his parents I would never hear the end of it. Actually no... he would probably never speak to me again. I believe it's my responsibility to try and make things right. Even if all that entails is continuing to do the same old things with him, just to let him know what he's missing.

Well Rose it happens. Sometimes best friends grow apart for one reason or the other. All you can do is focus on you and do the best you can do at life. Don't EVER come off to him as being better than him or you will lose him forever and that's for sure. Let it be known that Rose is a cool cat and can have fun too without the drinking and drugs. I say, "Get in with the chicks"! It is a well known fact that dudes with chicks have lots of dude friends and vise versa for chicks with lots of chick friends get lots of dudes.

The problem with life (especially here in the States) is parents. I'm serious. You grow up always being told what you can't do and shouldn't do and this forces a lot of kids to rebel and look for grown up privledges to abuse - like drinking and drugs. Perhaps if laws and parents weren't so damned overcontrolling like they are, then kids like your friend wouldn't want to do this stuff so much.

Just do your thing and have fun with it and let him do his thing. If he doesn't learn or make the right choices then it will be his problem and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. He's given the same morals in life just as you are to make the right choices. If after all the horror stories and deaths of kids his age haven't been enough for him to stay away from this stuff then nothing will.

[ASWnut101]

You do understand that the moment we're born is also the moment we begin to die, right?!?

sorry if i sound like an ass, but i think we start to die when we hit like 20 or so:p .....

but anyway, good advice everyone :up:

[CB..]

your both 15, your getting "wasted", going skiing and visiting his country house.....you've unfortunately both got more money than sense...and that's the hard truth...save your money for medical/psychiatric treatment..you may well need it in the future.. both of you...
take a step back and try to evaluate what it is your trying to do...you have been conned into believing that this sort of behaviuor is adult..cool ..mature..and that in fact you need to get "wasted" etc in order to be cool....there are no such things as recreational drugs...all drugs come at a price...and i don't mean financial....

ping:ping:

[TteFAboB]

Rose,

I had a PM headed to your box yesterday but my ISP choked up on a furball or something and I failed to send it. Ask Gizzmoe to check the Who's Online logs.

Now all I had to say has been covered by these people, so my words are superfluous and not needed anymore. Tough. :shifty: