Bilge [Archive] - SUBSIM Radio Room Forums

Bill Nichols

10-24-05, 09:29 AM

OT - Bilge.

A non-too serious question:-
Considering that the space and possibly the weight of foodstuffs and drink on a nuke equates to the
same of the reactor etc. Presumably the waste material (ie soil) is discharged during the voyage or is it
chemicaly processed and stored until return to port ? If the former then one assumes that as the voyage
proceeds the sub becomes lighter providing more options for manouverability.So a high fibre intake processed
by a battery of animal tracts enhances the performance of 21st century 'hangs and dives' ?

I suspect that this ' discharge' concept, might have applied in WW2, but today special chemical or
biological bouy sensors could make this a dangerous technique.

Sorry, but your logic is flawed.

As food is eaten, digested and excreted onboard a sub, it eventually makes its way to special 'sanitary tanks'. The sanitary tanks are periodically emptied by pumping the waste to sea (the sanitary pump is a bitch to clean if it becomes clogged!). Whenever the sanitary tanks are emptied, the sub does indeed become lighter. However, this means the sub will become more buoyant, which is a no-no.

One of the Diving Officer's most important jobs is to keep the sub in 'neutral trim'. Thus, whenever a sanitary tank is emptied, the Diving Officer compensates by adding an equivalant amount of seawater into the boat's trim tanks. Thus, the sub's total weight remains the same -- there are no 'performance benefits' from a high-fiber diet! :|\

Bellman

10-24-05, 09:52 AM

:sunny: Thanks again Bill.

There is no gain as in achieving the 'steady state' water is taken on to maintain trim - as this does not directly
replace the soil and is held in special ballast tanks replacing a volume of air already present. Hence no gain. OK.

For some reason I imagined that a disposable should/would impact on performance.
But hey weapons are disposable so the same principles hold good.

Now if the soil was held in 'drop tanks' an EB would'nt be necessary - drop and soar eh ?
Save your air for a better day !

Bellman

10-24-05, 10:13 AM

:D Just had a thought possibly that the Mods. may consider.

The General Section is a catch-all for some pretty weird and wild stuff.

Now I dont suggest that "Bilge'' as a topic has attracted any superior debates and the topics (sorry)
have been addressing issues we would rather forget.

But it has a certain rustic appeal as a Heading a home within DW where any topics specificaly related
to naval matters can be discussed.

Forgive me - I am on topic here but 'General' attracts a lot of cr*p. We need a harbour a home for wayward seafarers
where we can yarn about our job.
:lol: I try to convice my wife that thats what it is ;)

Fandango

10-24-05, 10:31 AM

Presumably the waste material (ie soil) is discharged during the voyage or is it
chemicaly processed and stored until return to port ?

The MARPOL (Marine Pollution) Convention has strict prescriptions related to release of wastes and any kind of material/substance that may lead to marine pollution. But this Convention does not apply to naval vessel... :shifty:

Bellman

10-24-05, 11:04 AM

I was surprised when Bill confirmed that waste is diposed of in the 'old fashioned' way.
I really thought that in the 21 st century the Seawolf for example would chemicaly convert the waste.
Appart from bio considerations there is a possible risk of detection element here. My guess is that it is treated in ways that
render its traces in the ocean undetectable.
Still think for security, operational flexibility and bio reasons that a kind of 'drop tank' system would be effective.

Off topic - Pity airliners cant find a safer way to deal with frozen urine - many cases of shattered roofs - not very nice :down:

Kapitan

10-24-05, 12:45 PM

russians put thier waste into a bag and put it into a sort of can thing and then squash it into the can and eject it over board

LuftWolf

10-24-05, 04:43 PM

there is a possible risk of detection element here

So, Bellman, you've heard about the Russian work on sail-mounted crap detectors? ;) :lol: :-j

Bellman

10-25-05, 01:15 AM

:rotfl: ''Sail mounted...........''
LW Why do you think Kapitain reported 'close pursuit' tactics. :-j
Hes also given away details of their latest secret weapon above. Note the packing into a ''sort of can'' :lol:
He'd have us believe that its merely ''ejected over the side''

That 'can' which is 'ejected' is a crap torpedo. Its purpose, I gather, is twofold. Firstly the non-hostile removal
of the offensive and detectable material to a 'safe' distance away from the sub.Secondly in wartime action
it marks an opponent like a paintball or dye. The Mark C Torp has been designed to 'mark with c*** (sic)
The target platform is unaware that it has a limpet attachment which slowly diffuses its very traceable contents
that are tracked by sophisticated sail-mounted sensors on the Russian sub.

Kapitan

10-25-05, 01:20 AM

huh?

TLAM Strike

10-25-05, 01:29 AM

there is a possible risk of detection element here

So, Bellman, you've heard about the Russian work on sail-mounted crap detectors? ;) :lol: :-j No you got it all wrong, its towed behind the boat so it can detect when a NATO sub is trailing them by the sanitary tank dumps. The Victor IIIs where the 1st to have them. ;) Also the newest Akulas have three detectors mounted forward of the sail for when they are tracking US Aircraft Carriers since all the aviators aboard leave a massive wake of Bull S*it behind it. :D

LuftWolf

10-25-05, 01:30 AM

all the aviators aboard leave a massive wake of Bull S*it behind it

:rotfl:

Sounds about right, since I'm pretty sure Russian sonars could only detect a Nimitz once they've been basically run over by it. :-j

OKO

10-25-05, 01:33 AM

russians put thier waste into a bag and put it into a sort of can thing and then squash it into the can and eject it over board

French do the same and put additionnal weight in the bag to be sure nothing will go to surface.
Some subs were detected with this : nothing more revelant than a package of biscuit in french or any language to know there is some non expected sub in the area ...
I know waste ejection is a complex process on our subs, to avoid any sign of the sub presence.

LuftWolf

10-25-05, 01:44 AM

a package of biscuit

I've never heard it called that before... :rotfl: :88)

OKO

10-25-05, 01:59 AM

well ... there is not only toilet waste to eject, but also garbage.
And garbage is the most important part, in weight and volume.
When you have some package floating with foreign language on it, you could imagine there is some unexpected foreign ship around, and if you have nothing on radar ...
The history of garbage is not fiction, it happens, and this conduct french navy to introduce a special process to avoid it anymore, 30 years ago.
I don't know about other navies ... but I suppose they do the same.

Bellman

10-25-05, 03:26 AM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
TLAMsince all the aviators aboard leave a massive wake of Bull S*it behind it.

:lol: I'm gonna take that one real personal.....My tanks are full bruv and Im heading your way. :arrgh!: :hulk:

:-j

Bellman

10-26-05, 03:47 AM

'' The History of Garbage.'' :lol:

Close to home - look at the postings in 'General' on the SS. Human GIGO.
Still, on topic, the printouts make good toilet paper. :huh: :o :stare: :down: :arrgh!: :damn:

Bellman

10-26-05, 04:14 AM

OKO:-I know waste ejection is a complex process on our subs, to avoid any sign of the sub presence
Bill:- The sanitary tanks are periodically emptied by pumping the waste to sea
Seriously this is a real issue. It seems that the French have the answer by clearing it from the sub possibly in
bio-degradable containers. But this entails the risk in surfacing (?) so may not be as secure as other possible solutions.
The weight reduction must impinge on 'future' performance as whilst equilibrium is maintained by its replacement
with water, this can be discharged for greater bouyancy. So your performance potential has improved.

On a long patrol in Cold War like conditions its an issue which will require carefull route planning.

Bellman

10-27-05, 09:24 AM

:) More 'bilge':-

http://www.maritime.org/fleetsub/trim/chap3.htm
http://www.hnsa.org/doc/fleetsub/chap2.htm

Bellman

10-28-05, 02:37 AM

:lol: Appro pros nothing - but just seen a player with the handle-
''Nippelspanner'' Sorry - just cant stop chucklin.

:rotfl:

Bellman

10-31-05, 11:44 AM

Coming up for some fresh air can I draw your attention to the archive of the BBC 4's In our Time' programmes.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/history/inourtime/inourtime_archive_home.shtml

MP3 downloads and internet links are provided for recordings of the 45 minute programmes, chaired by Melvyn Bragg, with a team of academics, ranging over topics from Science, History, Culture, Art, Literature, Philosophy and religion.

Some good tasters for further reading - take your pick from an extensive list - have a look. :)

Bellman

11-01-05, 01:46 AM

:sunny: BOT- Bilges - Rubbish.

For those of us who take rubbish very, very seriously:-

http://www.funny.co.uk/keywords/proper-rubbish-jokes.html

The Mods please note there is a valuable and informative section on...................................''Fish'' ;)

Bellman

11-09-05, 12:05 PM

A useful tool - Microsoft Calculator Plus.

http://www.microsoft.com/downloads/details.aspx?FamilyID=32b0d059-b53a-4dc9-8265-da47f157c091&displaylang=en

Bellman

11-12-05, 01:59 AM

:D Mindfull of the ever present challenges to airconditioning technology in the latest submarines, I call
your attention to a BBC contributor:-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbtoday/F2767103?thread=1434169

Amazing the lengths to which scientists will go in pursuit of ''pure'' research. ;)

Bellman

11-16-05, 09:42 AM

Broadly on topic - Sea Rescue ;)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.
A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

Read or listen to more ' hilarious cuttings from their newspapers' sent in by listners.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/newsquiz_cuttings.shtml

Kapitan

11-16-05, 10:09 AM

lmfao :rotfl:

Bellman

11-17-05, 02:05 AM

Referring to the outcome of many of our DW battles, it is only proper that we consider the 'final' proceedings.

It is reported that there is an increasing trend for 'Pop songs' to be played during funeral services.
Tunes like "I did it my way'' are very popular and there is an increasing trend to "Hot, Hot, Hot Dance Songs ''
at crematoriums.

Bellman

11-19-05, 02:42 AM

Back on topic. ;)

No serious student of the history and development of the technology of 'waste management' should be unaware
of this leading edge firm :-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Crapper

Bellman

11-19-05, 09:21 AM

:D ..........and for any fragrent ladies who may have wandered in here.
Honey let me give you a bouqet of the 'Hyacinth' kind :-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honey_bucket

:oops: Now come on -If Her Majesty does it, dont get uppity. :roll: :yep: :o :huh: :stare: :ping:

Bellman

11-19-05, 09:30 AM

Press Cutting from the BBC News Quiz :-

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick'
is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)
:roll:

OneShot

11-19-05, 07:03 PM

Now that is one hell of a nice toilet

http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/4517/toilet1oh.th.jpg (http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/4517/toilet1oh.jpg)

Bellman

12-03-05, 02:52 AM

:D For those folk who enjoy the 'sauce' from time to time there is an infallible test as to whether you
should leave the car and hand over the keys.

It is a free test as to your inebriation and is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language:-

''The sixth sick shiek's sixth sheep's sick.''

So if you start seeing purple 'Lennies"- give it a roll. :lol: ;)

Bellman

12-03-05, 10:58 AM

:D Heres a 'Hot' shot (?) headline ...........................................in 02.

''Dung power station fires up''

Well I've heard about going 'Green' but heck..............' Brown' ? :lol:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2135431.stm

Bellman

12-10-05, 02:06 AM

Slip of the Fat Finger. The Times. 9/12.

'Feel fraternal sympathy with all who have ever suffered a senior moment of scrambled memory: namely
most of the poor, fuddled human race.

A trader on the Tokyo stock exchange was told to sell a single share in a company flotation for 600.000 yen
(about 3000 pounds.) Wires in the trader's head crossed, and he put through an order to sell 600,000 shares
at a yen each. It is the sort of slip that most of us cam make at algebra or Su Doka. Market dealers are
supposed to be better at sums than the rest of us. But they no longer shout face to face in a finger-waving,
self-correcting hubub. They sit tapping keyboards - and all who tap keyboards know that error is not only possible,
but inevitable. Fool-proof computer systems do not take into account the ingenuity of fools.

As the insane bid flashed up on other screens it created shockwaves on the Tokyo exchange.
There was a deer-in-the-headlights effect, a carnage of stockselling. Until the culprit firm was named,
investors dumped shares of every brokerage firm, in case it had been responsible. Nearly 2% was lopped
from the value of the Nikkei 225 Index. The error cost an estimated 1.6 billion pounds.

To err is human. A Swiss banker leant on his keyboard while attempting the crossword, and bought
an oil company. It cost his bank 60,000 ponds

Such cock-ups are called 'fat fingers' in the trade.' :lol:

Kapitan

12-10-05, 02:56 AM

i know the fat finger syndrome all to well :oops:

Etienne

12-10-05, 01:56 PM

Off topic - Pity airliners cant find a safer way to deal with frozen urine - many cases of shattered roofs - not very nice :down:

Except airliners don't do that. For obvious reasons, they have sceptic tanks.

MARPOL does allow for the rejection of waste. I'm not a E/R guy so I don't know the specifics, but I know ocean going ships don't wait to pump out ashore. In the Lakes and in some special areas, of course, waste is retained onboard.

Heck, we can throw food overboard 3 miles offshore. I don't see why we would be able to throw s... overboard as well.

Bellman

12-11-05, 02:11 AM

:lol: Etienne - I think perhaps its just an overfow problem ?

Not suggesting crop spraying ;)

Bellman

12-12-05, 03:16 AM

Shock, Horror BBC headlines with some appoligise to bird lovers.
' Twitchers watch robin served rare.'

'Birdwatchers from all over Britain who gathered in Grimsby to catch sight of a rare American robin were
horrified to see it eaten by a passing sparrowhawk.

They were still setting up their cameras when the predator swooped down from a row of drab factories and
warehouses on an industrial estate.

The young bird, from the southern US, "didn't really live to enjoy her moment of fame," a twitcher told the Guardian.
The robin's vivid red breast made it an obvious candidate for a lunch date.

"It was a terrible moment," Graham Appleton, of the British Trust for Ornithology, which had spread news
of the bird's arrival, told the newspaper. '

LuftWolf

12-12-05, 12:20 PM

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

I can laugh because I don't think they are particularly rare in America... at least not where I live...

LuftWolf

12-12-05, 12:21 PM

BTW,

Kudos to Bellman for turning the "Bilge" thread into the "Crap" thread. :up:

:lol:

Bellman

12-13-05, 11:28 PM

:lol: Yep the connection came to me in a moment of sheer inspiration.

Another thing I've been thinking deeply about is that 'ole saying that there are only two certainties
in this life namely - Death and Taxes.

Well I had an 'apple' moment, a eureka, a vision of transcendentant perspicacity when it came to me that
we can add Weather.... Yep, I know quite staggering isnt it.

But take a deep breath and hold on to your bowels because I am pushing the boundaries even further
with the revelation of a further 'essential' truth that our core list of certainties can be extended to CRAP. ;)

I do prefer the Old English meaning of this term - "dregs of beer or ale"as it conjurs up more acceptable pictures
than the American interpretation.

However thats progress for you ? :-j

Bellman

12-15-05, 01:52 AM

''Brothel madam caught by PC boast
Julie Hyett and her husband John Thomas (sic)

A woman's secret life as a brothel-keeper was exposed when her policeman partner told tales of her lavish
lifestyle to work colleagues.

In her loan application, Hyett claimed to earn £45,000 a year working for a company called Swansea Buy and Sell, (sic)
but her money came from the massage parlours in Haverfordwest and Swansea Marina. ''

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/4528402.stm

Bellman

12-15-05, 02:45 AM

'Nippelspanner' has just reappeared ........................ :rotfl:

Sorry but that name breaks me up .....................funnier than the penguin 'Slapper', Lennie the purple sheep
or the 'Killer Cat.'

Bellman

12-15-05, 11:05 AM

:( Very worried about the decline in creativity with signatures.:yep:

Can noone beat the that 'Machine Gun Mog' - you know the 'Killer Cat' - the maniac puss ? :hmm:

Pigfish had a splendid missile launcher but that disappeared with Kaps Lennie and Lotte the purple sheep.

Still the superb MSGallilleo penguin slapper takes my award for originality. But noone challenges these folk
they strut there stuff - the style setters.

Can anybody top them ? :lol:

Bellman

12-15-05, 03:34 PM

Reading ? Some interesting UUV stuff.

http://www.chinfo.navy.mil/navpalib/cno/n87/usw/issue_26/index.htm

The mind boggles and the imagination overheats at future potential UUV applications. :|\

PS. 17/12 The link has died ? My appologise if I should not have been there - it was a link from Harpoon.
( :lol: I wasnt figuring on ''flying'' anywhere ) :roll: :dead:

Bellman

12-16-05, 01:52 AM

This thread is turning into a bit of a soliloquy - Hamlet - madness ? Perish the thought.:lol:
But I crave the Mods continued indulgence because all of life can be reduced to an essence. The cooking process
reduces and reveals the essentials, the distillation of life to its core spirits. Before they too evaporate.

As a kid in the country I was fascinated by owl pellets. Those dessicated regurgitated devourings.
Each one carefully picked apart revealed the owls victims, its menu and activities - a potted history.

http://www.owlpages.com/articles.php?section=Owl+Physiology&title=Digestion

Similarly with human detritus, the archeologists intellectual seed corn.

So I wish to claim some reverence and respect for 'Bilge' - for what we are is what we become and much of what
will persist is bilge. And who knows those who brave the stream and pan vigorously may find the occasional nugget.

Of course another interpretation of the term 'bilge' is nonsense or rot - well heck we need some light relief.
Technicaly the bilges prevent rolling and provide 'stability.'

So the claim for viability of this thread rests on two legs - Firstly an examination of what is beeing thrown-away
for what it might reveal. Secondly nonsense and rot providing 'stability' :-j

Bellman

12-16-05, 03:08 AM

Matt cartoon.

CIA spook, with shades, fingers Santa Claus's collar -

''We heard that you fly secretly around the world.''

:yep: ;)

Bellman

12-16-05, 03:12 AM

Thanks to Makeshift52 RTW TW Forum SPQR:-

"She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them" - Joan Rivers on Bo Derek
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full" - Henry Kissinger
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" - Alan Minter
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry.
"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." - Patrick Murray.
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." - Charles Lamb.
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" - Steven Wright.

:-j

LuftWolf

12-16-05, 02:41 PM

Do I smell beer... :doh:

Bellman

12-17-05, 12:50 AM

:P Nup - note the times :o

''Small beer'' ? :lol:

Bellman

12-17-05, 02:20 AM

A wee story. (Scotitish ?) The Times 16/12.

'The long-suffering press people at the UK Department of Trade and Industry are having more fun than their employers
with the directive on Waste Electrical and Electronic Equipment. Yesterdays press release offered 18 increasingley
hilarious (?) instances of the new unfortunate acronym.

WEEE, our favourite, is a ''priority waste stream for the EU because of its growing volume in the municipal waste stream
and its potential hazardousness following disposal.'' ' :-j

Bellman

12-17-05, 12:04 PM

Ever get the feeling somethings hanging over you ? :roll:

Well in my case its probably the Sword of Damocles and its those handsome and inrelligent Mods who
..................... may well wield it, any time.

Well I figure its Xmas and like Arabian Fun Nights if they keep chuckling they may get forgetfull, :yep: ;)
..............well at least 'till Santas redundant.

BBC News Quiz - advert from 'Services' section :

''Septic Tanks emptied.
Swimming Pools filled.
Not the same tanker !''

Bellman

12-17-05, 12:34 PM

You know there is somethiing going seriously wrong here in the UK - maybes its the water.

But take a hallowed institution like the BBC. Now we look to it to set standards so why the heck does
it so easily descend to lavatorial type jokes. Today my light lunch was quite ruined (?) by 75% of the News Quizs
press cuttings referring to such neo-toilet humour.

I mean I ask you here again was a typical example;- 'The Bayswater local MP has actively supported the campaign
against the Councils decision to close many of the towns public toilets. he has been very vigorous at local council meetings
where he has passed many motions.'

If that wasnt bad enough the next contributor got a trifle technical : 'Dr Eustace Gripe presented a paper
to the BMA on erectile disfunction, making many recomendations for GPs. Concluding he invited questions -
complete silence. Afterwards he said to colleagues -' 'Very disappointing, it was just a question of 'raising' the subject.'' '

I shall strive to raise the tone tomorrow by turning to a Xmas theme. The topics will be Xmas thongs and
a drunken reindeer.

:-j

Bellman

12-18-05, 06:03 AM

There is a salutory message here for all who, like bubbleheads, work together in confined spaces.

A ranting Reindeer.
Based loosely on an extract from 'Press Clippings' BBC News Quiz.

Police were called to a department store where a reindeer was seen writhing around on the floor swearing.
The operators had had a liquid lunchbreak. The 'Head' said that he asked the 'Tail' to press the battery button
that started the flashing light in the reindeers nose. The Tail flatly refused. Head bellowed ''Well its not a proper bl***y
reindeer without a red nose.'' An argument developed and punches were thrown.' Spirit (?) of Xmas ?

A Police Constable, having been called out urgently from 'service' at his wifes entertainment establishment,
elicited the facts and carefully noted them on the back of a cigarette packet.

The men, who were of previous good character, had, said the Store Manager, performed their duties on previous
days with dedication and some spirit. Santa said, appart from a little tottering, the reindeer had hauled his
toboggan with gusto. He sympathised with them working in confined, stuffy ,sweaty and very hot conditions
and had resisted the temptation to cuff the elves who liked tormenting the poor beast by
judicious use of pepper and marbles. He put the wobbly gait down to such sabotage.

The Head was quite a deep thinker, when sober, and puzzled the PC when he blamed Domino Theory and
butterflies wings. The recipients blank stare called for an explanation. "Officer, we had been unbearably
hot yesterday in that smelly overused rancid skin. We lost pounds with perspiration so it seemed a wise
precaution to fuel our cells in preparation. I can assure you that we only had a couple of rounds or so, but Molly,
bless her, said the Pie and chips are good today and with mushy peas.'' The Tail said - ''Officer who could have
resisted her ? I mean 'Mushy Peas ' ? Head looked dolefull but flapped his hand wing like, loosely from the wrist in
a flying motion, which the PC really misunderstood and blushed.

As is often the case when one starts to look for prime causes or establish a causal sequence or relationship
things are not as they seem at first. Peas are a catalyst here.

For those not intimately acquainted with the workings of the Manned Reindeer - the Head is Captain
with special responsiblity for navigation, reception, and steerage. The Tail is 'heads-down' in the rear 'seat'
like a Tornado Observer and provides equipment control and neo-weapon release. It is his duty to provide
80% of the sledge pulling power and in order to maximise leverage he must clasp Head around the waist.
In doing so it brings his head into close proximity with Head's stern.

Having 'skinned-up' said Head we negotiated the back entrance to the Grotto - I heard some elven squeels
as Tail fought for stability over the marbles.We had the shafts attached and gently took the strain ready
to make our entrance before the spectators. One of the bl**ding elves had maxed the volume on the Jingle Bells
music and when it started it made us jump just as we were straining to take the load. I fought hard
but could not hold my wind which was discharged right into Tails face.

The attmosphere between us was immediately soured. Coughing and choking Tail sought to gain an ingress
of fresh air. The sledge stalled and Santa started shouting - we are pretty deaf in there. But a casual flick of his
whip hit Tails head which was now protruding camel hump like' This irritated Tail and we staggered around trying
to co-ordinate some forward movement to quite a racous chorus from the 'little dears' in the audience who
hooted ''Wheres Rudolf ?'' and ''Camels Out''

Tail meanwhile had ripped open the belly flap which we lovingley call the bomb bay, in a desperate attempt
to get air. One of the reasons we are rebooked by the best pantomines is our creativity.
When Tail discharges his simulated droppings, it is a great hit with the kids. The stress of the moment caused
him to release the entire pack of brown painted golf balls. We were beginning to irretrivably lose stability.

Please note that stoicly we had maintained 'mission silence' all this time. But Tail is not quite so refined and
began to swear imaginatively. Worried about the mums sensitivity I sought a diversion so while we fought
for control and to stay upright, as Captain, I took the initiative and decided to deploy the flashing red nose
with its accompanying neighing sounds as a diversion. Tail had not reported that the control box and battery combo
strapped to my back had slipped into a sensitive (for me) reindeer udder type position.

''Fire Nose No2 '' I called. ''You can get stuffed ''he choked. Not realising his predicament I barked out the
order again. Followed by ''Well its not a proper bl***y reindeer without a red nose'' Just at that moment
he must have been struggling to gain control either of the control box or of his golf ball bomb box -
but he distinctively 'goosed' me. Well heck there an unwritten rules about things like that. My iron self-control
snapped but as afficionadas of Manned Reindeers know as the Head your arms are pinned to your sides, like a
strait-jacket. For a 'passing' moment I considered deploying wind but settled for attempting to twist around
and kick him in the nether regions.(He calls 'em goolies - but hey thats why I'm Captain. I get the mushroom tops. )

Any pretence at poise was now lost as the combination of marbles and brown golf ball dung conspired to send legs
and hooves in all directions.From my mild ''You dick-head '' to Tails ''No your the head-dick''we were on
a slippery slope further aggravated by taunts, whip flickerers, Elvyn pepper, and that bl***y blaring Jingle Bells.

Officer what does your station do for its Xmas party ? Heres our card.

PS. Tomorrow God (Sorry Mods) willing - thongs can only get better. Xmas gifts ?

Bellman

12-19-05, 03:24 AM

'Just a thong at twilight' :o

Well if I was 90 the following news item may have raised a 'twitch' of interest and I might have 'zimmered' off
to deck-out a younger wife - although they do say its like getting a Pontefract Cake into a slot machine.:lol:

The Ann Summers sex shop chain have launched a new range of Lady Chatterley exotic lingerie. The range is
launched under the slogan 'Not to be banned' and is reported to include a variety of of erotic underwear in
tasteful purple and pink with bows, ribbons,and plenty of whalebone stays and there is a matching blindfold.
Dickens - turn in your grave ! Yep I guess you'd need that blinford. :arrgh!: :hulk:
Well I'm not rushing - I'm a country boy and prefer the original Lawrence daisy weaving stuff. ;)

To your infinite relief - I am effectively AOL from the 21st until Feb 06, so will only be able to raise the mast occasionaly. (sic.)
I will send in the occasional post just as a Seltzer.. ... Heck- now where did I leave Rudolfs Head ? :-j

All the best. :up:

Dakar23

12-19-05, 01:58 PM

We could get men trapped in the bilge bay tying to stop uncontrolled flooding and have to seal that bay, but only after arguing with Lt. Hellerman, because theres not f-ing way to get the men out.
Hows that for realism?

Bellman

12-20-05, 09:10 AM

'' What'd you think, son? That I was just some crazy old coot, putting everyone in harm's way as I yelled "YEE-HA!"?
Capt. Frank Ramsey. C.T.

:-j

Bellman

12-21-05, 06:56 AM

The ratted reindeer report prompted some 'fancy-dress' interest for our sub party:-

'' Holiday Costumes: Small Reindeer Suit
Price Range: $$$$$ from 1 Seller.

Description: Choose from two holiday-specific costumes. Bring a smile to any visitor's face.
Can be used year after year. Whether he's dressed as Santa's helper or the big guy himself, your precious pet*
is sure to be a hit this holiday season in these............ Read More........

Description: Choose from two holiday-specific costumes. Bring a smile to any visitor's face. Can be used
year after year. Whether he's dressed as Santa's helper or the big guy himself, your precious pet*
is sure to be a hit this holiday season in these poly plush felt suits. Santa Claws includes Santa hat with sliding
bead/string chinstrap and securely stitched details. Attaches around neck with touch closure. Hand wash in cold water.
How to measure for Santa Claws: While your pet is standing**, measure from base of neck to top of front paw.
Santa Claws Sizes: XSmal, Small, Medium, and Large .

Reindeer Suit has jingle bells, attaches under back legs *** and at belly with elastic and touch closure.
Ties around neck with nylon ribbon. Includes four elasticized hooves and an antler headband. Please specify size.
How to measure : While your pet is standing, measure from base of neck to top of front paw.

Reindeer Suit Sizes: Small, Medium, Large. Care Instructions: Soak costume in sink filled with warm water
and gentle detergent. Gently scrub off any stains.**** Then put in warm water without soap to rinse.
Hang to dry...... Minimize.***** ''

Appendix - Explanatory Notes:-

* 'Your precious pet' - not sure if reference is to a partner, or is it anatomical ?
** 'Your pet is standing' - likewise is this the influence of drink on the whole or paticular part ?
*** 'Attaches under back legs' - Proceed with Extreme Caution here !!! (But see Note ****** below)
**** 'Scrub off any stains' - Warning - dont have that sort of party !!
***** 'Minimize - Thats not the problem !

****** 'Male reindeer lose their antlers earlier than Christmas and the females lose theirs afterwards.
So all of Santa's reindeer are girls !!

PS. My sub is on 'Liberty'- see the sig ? But I will try to try to get my mast up from time to time.

:-j

Bellman

12-21-05, 09:59 AM

Xab in Mods: 'Well at last I am getting to grips with sorting ''models'' out.''...... Nice work if you can get it ? :lol:

From a 'Wanted' Santa poster - Ways to nail him:-

# Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

# Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof.
When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled.".... Threaten to sue. ;)

Bellman

12-21-05, 10:02 AM

THE OFFICIAL SANTA SIGHTING REPORT LOG

http://seeker.searchforsanta.com/reports.html

* SIGHTING #1047 DEC. 25 - 1992 NELSON, BRITISH COLUMBIA

Two young women report the sound of sleigh bells coming from their roof. Upon investigation, neighbors
find and collect four ounces of "reindeer scat.**" Local authorities classify it as a joke. But a University
Professor publicly admits that "Santa is the only reasonable explanation to this phenomenon." :o

BOT**- Earnestly concentrating on getting back on topic.. ...ie Scat as you know is dung and Scatology is the
study of coprolites. :roll: :yep:

Bellman

12-22-05, 01:41 AM

Wanna be 'd real 'ting ?
Loosely reconstructed extracts from The Times 20th Dec. LA Notebook. (Chris Ayres) An article entitled:-
''How to become a real Santa Claus - and avoid beeing rugby tackled, too.''

Yep sorry, its a real shock to some of you game-playing llate-developers'but
''SC doesnt live at the North Pole. And no he doesnt live in Finnish Lapland either.'' :o

''The LA Notebook can exclusively reveal that S. Claus, Esq.,in fact resides at 5205 Old Mill Road in the city of Riverside,
California, just a few sweltering miles west of the Mojave Desert. Now Xmas is a serious business, the resident
of 5205 Old Mill Road holds the title EO. (Exec.Officer) of the Amalgamated Order of Real-Bearded Santas.
The organisations mission statement is to ''bring together those special, real beaded gentlemen who carry on the
history and tradition of Santa Claus.''

The AORBS has 300 dues-paying members across the world and a database of 650 real-bearded Santas, who can
earn up to 20$ an hour for appearances at shopping centres. It is essentialy. a union for the world's most
successful fat chuckling men.

For the EO, who wrote a book entitled "Behind the Red Suit: the Business of Santa Claus, his annual Ho, Ho, Hos
are no laughing matter. According to the AORBS, a well trained real-bearded Santa can make $30,000 during
the festive season. A bad Santa will make $5,000 - if he doesnt get arrested first !! ''

Take the sad story of poor 'ole Richard Mullen, a 52 year old from Malden, Mssachusetts, who decided to entertain
the little dears at his local shopping centre by wearing a 'snap-on beard' and A Santa hat. Mr Mullen, who was
probably a little the worse for a liquid lunch (alledgedly) entered a little too enthusiasticaly into the 'spirit' of things.
Mistakenly he thought that dropping his trousers would be a fun Santa gimmick - he had seen British football fans
leave impressive sternum impressions on coach windows. :oops:

Centre security staff rushed to the scene and Mr Mullen was promptly rugby-tackled to the floor and then
handcuffed by heavily armed baton waving police officers. As he was beeing frog-marched to the police car, a little
spikey haired ruffian was heard to say 'Dad dig D pants' fortunately for Mr Mullen, and his under-age witnesses,
he was wearing tracksuit trousers under his Santa suit. He was eventualy released on $200 bail after he was charged with 'Disorderley Conduct.'

As for his fellow Red-bearded Santas the EO had the following advice, at a recent seminar, ''Whatever you do is
seen and is the image of Santa. If youre going around with ''cleavage'' showing out of the back of your pants -
thats not Santa !!''

:-j

Bellman

12-22-05, 09:33 AM

Press cutting:-

'Missing black cat - answers to the name...............................Boo !! '

:doh:

Bellman

12-22-05, 12:29 PM

Who's p-p-picked up our penguin?

London - British police said on Monday they were hunting for thieves who had snatched a baby
penguin from a zoo on the Isle of Wight.

http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=29&art_id=qw113500332165B231
Or for the kids ? -
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/12/22/uviewtoga.xml&sSheet=/portal/2005/12/22/ixportaltop.html

Toga, a baby Jackass penguin who was born in September, was taken from the Amazon World zoo on Saturday night.
The zoo also said Toga was not as cuddly as he looked and will bite when frightened.

"Toga is very vocal and makes a noise like a donkey braying (hence the name Jackass Penguin)," it added. :o

Interpol have been notified that a MS terious Frenchman was seen lurking near the penguin pool - he was
heard to call C'est Magnifique! Bon, Bon ! Quelle mover when the chick flapped and 'slapped' its wings.

Could this chick be heading into a new avant garde French movie - featuring as the happy-flappy braying Slapper **?

NB.**See below.

:-j

Bellman

12-23-05, 01:03 AM

Allusions to the 'Slapper' (**above) may require a little explanation -

'Slapper is/was the vernacular for a female dancer usualy in music halls or vaudeville. But I was referring to the
penguin used by MSgalileo in his sig. You will see it has a rather neat 'round-house' punch - so I loosely describe
it as the 'Slapper' ie. It employs a slap - smacks with the palm of the hand -a blow with suddeness and vehemence.

MSgalileo: http://www.subsim.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=45981

PS. Its nice to see some innovation on the 'fun sig' front in the thread - 'How do I make multiable installations of DW?' :rock:
- I hope Pigfish is gonna light up MLs jail and TLAms sub vibrator by bringing over his Xmas display from the SC section.

Bellman

12-23-05, 02:09 AM

Borrowed:-

'Twas the night before Christmas...
(politically correct version!)

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck..
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

..........And people had started to call for the cops.

Bellman

12-23-05, 07:05 AM

The Big Issue - News in Brief.

Police - Snap Response.

The 'quick cuffs' used by police are posing a danger to officers themselves., according to the letters page of the
force's journal, Police Review :o

In one incident, an officer was getting out of a police carrier when he caught himself on ths safety bar by the sliding door-
which released his quick cuff and locked him on to the bar. Seargeant Gary Wade of Lewisham recalled how
his quick cuffs once ''stabbed me in the ribs'' getting into a vehicle - while another time, jumping out of a car to chase
suspects, his cuffs caught him up in the seat belt, throwing him back into the car and banging his head on the frame.

Woman PC Betty Booth from Bigglleswade said the male PCs are seriously worried about their ''Jingle Bells''
My dad, she said, was 40 years in the force - a more erect postured man you never saw. Hands always clasped
behind his back. Now these lads cup their hands over their tackle like footballers facing a 'free-kick' :yep:

Festive thought - where did I leave those nut-crackers ?

:-j

Bellman

12-23-05, 07:28 AM

DTs ? Nup I've gone Sonic. :yep:

Everybody knows that 'ole chesnut about the guy sat on a bench moving his arms up and down. What are you doing sir ?
I said'.'I'm drilling,'' he said. Nice living sir.................'' Cccccccccall thththis lllllliving,'' he said.

Well a post bathroom, pre breakers, coffee was spilling a little, so my better said ''Whats up - have you overdone
the sauce or is it just your age ?'' What d'ya mean ? ''Well look at your hands your shaking like a leaf -
you got something to hide ?''

My bathrooms just getting too mechanised by the time I've Sonic vibrated my teeth and M3 Power vibrator shaved -
I'm a ttttttttrembling wreck.

:-j

Seasons greetings.

Bellman

12-24-05, 06:03 AM

Snippets about Sauce.
Painless extractions from The Times 23rd Dec. Health News.

1. 'A sobering study of hangover cures' Nigel Hawkes Health Editor.

'Hangovers have no cure according to a comprehensive search of medical literature. Despite mans
ingenuity in devising antidotes to alcohol, none has yet stisfied the gold standard of evidence,
the randomised controlled trial, conclude a team from the Peninsula Medical School

Dr. Max Pittler and colleagues found only eight studies met their criteria, but did not include
Vegamite-on-toast,cabbage, hair-of-th-dog, kidney dialysis,rubbing the armpits with a lemon,
or (sadly) a Full English Breakfast, all sovereign remediea according to some. ''The paucity
of randomised controlled trials is in stark contrast to the plethora of 'hangover cures'
marketed on the internet,' they remark in the British Medical Journal.'

2. 'Commons consume 800 pints a day' Greg Hurst.

'Democracy is thirsty work - according to details supplied in response to parliamentary questions
posed by Norman Baker Lib. Dem. MP. He said ''It looks like MPs spent the year having a trial
run for 24-hour drinking. But earnestly they have been doing their best to prop up the brewing industry.'' '

3. 'Optic illusion could net you a free drink ?' Nigel Hawkes

'An optical illusion makes a tall slim glass look fuller than a short fat one,US marketing
specialists have found. People pouring drinks are unduly influenced by the height of the glass,
and fail to compensate for width. This means that what looks a decent measure in a tall glass
appears small in a fat one - even though both contain identical amounts. The tests were carried
out by Brian Wansink (?) of Cornell University and Koert van Ittersum of Georgia Institute of Technology.'

The moral of this short story is if you are a Host of Scrooge spirit pour into tall glasses .........................
and guzzle-guts Guests ask for a double in a short glass.

Now my Liberty sub has cleared shallow waters, I'm diving deep, so au revoir - happy holiday.

Bellman

12-28-05, 10:07 AM

When your becalmed in the Sargossa, without a breath of wind, a seagulls fart can seem a good omen.

Well all those young journos and Estate Agents are at it it again. Desperate to breathe life into the mordant corpse
of the UK property market their shouting from the treetops that for the first time in 18 months '' Prices are up !!!''
Yep ....by a mighty .1 % in December. So theres no worries there then !! 1.2 % in a year .............WOW.

Heck why then did the largest Agent chain in the UK report last year as beeing its worst, its lowert volume of unit
sales for 30 years (Repeat 30 years ) Of couse that was hidden away in the medias small print.

Talk about spin these journos and agents could power up a mighty Wind Farm.
'Wish fulfilment' - enlightened self-interest ?

Bellman

12-28-05, 10:24 AM

Time for a quick one ?

Thats an extra dram to you ! The Earth's time lords have decreed that we should add a 'leap second' on the
stroke of midnight to re-synchronise our clocks with ''astronomical time'' So we will have to wait a second
before launching into 'Auld Lang Syne' 2006 will be arriving a little late.

Now pay attention and look hard at that clock for 23:59:60 ! So grab a quickie on the 31st and count
''3 - 2 - 1 - 1..... Happy New Year''

LuftWolf

12-28-05, 12:00 PM

Time for a quick one?

I used to work for a company whose motto was precisely that. :yep: :|\

No it wasn't THAT kind of company... :88) :stare:

:lol:

Bellman

12-29-05, 02:02 AM

Jockey Club to introduce Eye Tests ? ;)
(Subtitled Laughing-boy Laughran hands over lead at Lepardstown.)

'Moscow Feyer' was leading the field and 100 yards from the winning-post when his jockey Roger Loughran,
thinking he had crossed the line, decided to celebrate by rising in the styrup in celebration. Sat bolt upright, punching
the air, laughing-boy Loughran failed to notice 'Ho Cloy' and 'Fota Island' slip past to take first and second places.

Still smiling, in spite of a little crowd booing, Loughran, ''newly'' turned pro, said ''I mistook a birch stick for the winning post.''
I guess a few of the punters, who lost over a million pounds, would like to take a birch stick to Master Laoughran. :yep:

Bellman

12-30-05, 01:07 AM

'The Torpedo.'
(from Balderdash and Piffle, by Alex Games)

''During the 16th century a torpedo was a ray-like fish that emits an electric** discharge, but in 1776 an American called
David Bushnell turned it into a sea-going mine that could be clamped to an enemy ship.''

**Around AD 1600, Dr William Gilbert investigated the reactions of amber and magnets and first recorded the word
'Electric' in a report on the theory of magnetism. Ben Franklin isnt a happy bunny ?

Bellman

12-30-05, 01:13 AM

:lol: .......and talking about 'electricity'...........Tail tales? (A Times Morph)
'There is a divinity that shapes our ends, rough hew them how we will.' WS.

For those officianados, who have studied the female rear from Pre- Raphaelite to Kylie Minogue, we dread the question
''Does my bum look big in this ?'' You will be lucky to get away with the response ''Who cares ? Youre blocking the telly !

Well its good to know that Accademia is focusing on that area of research. Dr.Lisa Macintyre, of Herriot Watt University,
Edinburgh is conducting an inquiry into how clothing can affect the appearance of the female backside.

Shes first looking into trousers(?) and her first report is due this May. Then she plans to apply for a government research
grant to expand(?) the study. :-j

Bellman

01-04-06, 02:03 AM

And just when you were struggling manfuly to hunt those elusive subs, there comes a heartwarming story
from BBC News UK, of just how boring boar hunting can be so difficult.

'Hunt helps find 60 missing boar.'

'A Devon farmer has enlisted the support of a local hunt to round up more than 60 wild boar which have been set free
from his farm. The animals have damaged gardens and crops around the village of West Anstey after they were freed
last month. Police believe animal rights activists may have cut the chain link fence enclosing the animals.

Allan Dedames, who owns the Woodland Wild Boar Farm, said the boar were not dangerous unless cornered.
He said: "If you're hunting one and trying to kill it, it will stand up for itself and it probably could get very aggressive.
"But on the whole they'll take no notice of humans and just get on with their business wandering around."

The senior master of the Dulverton Farmers' Hunt, Susie Maund, said it was going to be difficult even to find the boar,
adding: "We are going to need all the luck we can get.'' (sic) :o :stare: :lol:

Experts say Boar left alone are harmless but dont take kindly to beeing rounded up or herded :P
They certainly dont like dogs. So I guess those hound-dogs are going to need a lot of luck. :roll: :yep:

Bellman

01-05-06, 01:17 AM

......And this little piggy went home ! (BBC updates the 'Big Boar hunt)

''Boar hunters retrieve one animal'' :oops:

Britain's first wild boar hunt for centuries ended with just one of 60 fugitive animals
safely making its own way back to its pen in Devon. :lol:

The round-up was carried out by hunt members and farmers, at the request of local boar farmer
Allan Dedames. Eventually, only one boar, an 18-month-old male, was flushed out about a mile (1.6km)
from Mr Dedames' Woodland Wild Boar Farm.

Mr Dedames said of the single success of the day: "It is brilliant. He went straight back
into his enclosure as well. He ran back totally by himself." :oops:

Hunt chairman Dennis Woollacombe said the operation had not been a success but added:
"I think it was worth the effort." :stare: :roll:
He went on: "Obviously the boar were not where we were expecting them to be." :P :o :huh:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/devon/4581702.stm

:-j

Bellman

01-05-06, 02:10 AM

'Strip Poker ?'

Xmas buyers have stripped UK stores clean out of home poker sets. The Time reports that' more than a million poker
games and products were sold before Dec. 25th.
Some stores sold out and reported huge demand for the kits, which were scarcely available this time last year.'

'Women find poker is their strongest suit.' The Times.

'Conrad Brunner, European Marketing manager at Poker-Stars, one of the biggest online sites, estimates that out of
3.5 million players on his site, 900,000 were women.'

''Hunny what happened to the housekeeping dough ? ''
:-j

Bellman

01-06-06, 04:30 AM

Vive La France !! Of Penguins and Boars.

Penguins are a-go-go.

US film institute picks Penguins -'March of the Penguins' The film follows a group of Emperor Penguins.
The documentary film March of The Penguins has been branded a "moment of significance" by a US movie body.

The American Film Institute (AFI) chose six events and trends from 2005 from the US movie and TV industries.
French-made March of the Penguins was commended for "its universal message - the need to be part of
a community that cares for each other".

Sidenote - Was this film the inspiration for MSGallileos penguin slapper signature ? A work of real genius.
That slap is so affectionate, so caring.

Boar Hunting update - Hunt considers fitting hounds with headlamps ?

French hunting expert today on BBC 'Today' reports Boar hunting est massive en Francais. Shooting is the way
to go there as the animals devastate crops. But tell that to the bleeding hearts who bolt down their pork chops
to go on rescue missions. Apparently boars move around at night - so night-sights and hounds used to hunting them
are mandatory.

Are you listening oh Master of the Dulverton Farmers Hunt ? (Localy known as the 'Dullards !!")

:-j

Bellman

01-07-06, 06:38 AM

A very long 0rgan..................note.............'The Final Chord ?'

DELAYED IMPACT (Morphed from The Times)

An organ performance started in 2001 and is due to finish in 2693. The first chord was played 2 years ago, followed
by a prescriptive year and a halfs silence. The second chord was played yesterday .............and will be played
continuo for the next few years. The keys on the organ will be held down by weights, in order to allow the
organists time off for concert breaks and replacement by a long, long bench of substitutes.

The piece is Organ2/ASLSP (as slow as possible) by John Cage, the maestro of aleatoric (dodgy, decided by chance)
music and guru of Zen Budhism. How slow is as 'slow as possible' - but ''Till the crack of doom'' is the Budhist answer.

The Buchardi cathedral in Halberstadt Germany has been restored for the concert, but as we understand
that the opening chords sound like a triad of six whistles, some ear drums will have to wait until 2639 for 'restoration'

Bellman

01-08-06, 11:29 PM

Invasion of giant jellyfish - Summit meeting called.

No sorry this is not a flier for a 'B' Sci-fi Horror Movie. Echizen Kurage are 6ft wide and weigh 450lb (22kg) with
countless poisonous tentacles. Vast armadas of the slimy horrors have cut off Japans food supply

The problem has become so serious that fishery officials from Japan, China and South Korea are to meet later this month
for a Jellyfish Summit, to discuss strategies for dealing with the invasion. Numbers have increased by 100 fold
and fishermens nets are broken by the sheer weight. The fish catch is poisoned and covered in slime. In many areas
fishing has been suspended.

Ever resourcefull, and making the best of it, locals have turned from complaining to eating them. Coastal communities
are doing their best to promote jellyfish as a novelty food, sold dried and salted.

NB. The most poisonous jellyfish is the the Australian sea wasp, or box jellyfish, with enough venom to kill 60 people.
Ausies report that wearing tights is an effective defense. Well is what what too much time outback with all those
frigging sheep does for blokes ? ;) :yep: :-j

Bellman

01-10-06, 09:51 AM

Reeming in todays Mans Navy ?

Nuke Sub Captain used Nelson's navy style verbal flogging. (Morphed from an article in todays Times)

'The courts martial commenced yesterday at Portsmouths HMS Nelson of The commander of the UK nuclear sub
HMS Talent. It is alledged, that Captain Tarrant delivered red-faced tirades of abuse to his young officers,
reducing one to tears, during a secret operational patrol.

The victims of the Captains ''aggessive and humiliating'' style of leadership on board the hunter-killer
submarine, were said to to have felt scared and intimidated. One Officer Lt. ramsey, was so frightened
that he used to vomit before going on watch.'

Lt. Ramsey would dissolve into tears at the end of each watch. The tirades in front of everyone in the control
room became known as ''reemings''. (Reeming is the act of opening the seams between the planks of a vessel
with a caulking-iron, in order to admit the oakum)

It remains to be seen whether the full facts will be made public as to why, and what caused, these incidents to occur.
The sub was engaged in an operation that concerned national security. The CO has the right to administer
strict discipline during missions that required ''forceful and immediate action that leaves no room for tact.''

It was also reported that the sub had had to make several unscheduled returns to port on previous
occasions. So whilst ones sympathies must lie with the recipients of apparent crass bullying behaviour, what
were the antecedents ?

LuftWolf

01-10-06, 12:40 PM

There is so much wrong here... :88) :/\chop

Bellman

01-11-06, 12:52 AM

Captain Bligh all at sea after Coastguard mutiny. By Alan Hamilton. (The Times - UK)

THERE has been a mutiny. Captain Bligh has been forced to relinquish his command, abandon ship and row the
stormy seas of the job market in the equivalent of an open boat.

This is Captain Stephen Bligh, who enjoys the bounty of a £130,000 annual salary as head of the Government’s
Maritime and Coastguard Agency.

Yesterday the Department for Transport confirmed that he would leave his post at the end of the month after
a vote of no confidence by his crew of 1,100 coastguards and marine safety inspectors.

Trouble has been brewing on the agency’s quarter-deck for two years, ever since the latter-day Captain Bligh
— who claims descent from his 18th-century namesake whose crew mutinied on HMS Bounty — announced
plans to streamline the service by closing some coastguard stations and merging others.

Bellman

01-11-06, 01:01 AM

We live in revolting times. ( The Times - UK.)

''# On September 21, 1797, on HMS Hermione Captain Pigot ordered the last man down from the
topsail to be flogged. In the rush, four fell to their deaths. Protesters were flogged and Piigot
and eight officers were killed

# A planned uprising across the Russian Black Sea Fleet began spontaneously in 1905 when crew on the battleship
Potemkin were punished for refusing to eat rotten meat

# Crew on board a Chinese torpedo boat who mutinied and defected to South Korea were repatriated in 1985

# Four workers for Irish Ferries locked themselves in an engine room last year over plans to replace them with
cheaper foreign agency staff. '' One better than - 'Three old ladies locked in a lavatory' ? :-j

Bellman

01-13-06, 12:03 AM

Dressing gown dressing down.

Day 2 of the courtsmartial of the 'Reeming' skipper revealed that he woukld emerge from his cabin bedecked
in a dressing gown. On his way down the line to the head he would frequently pause to administer a ballocking.

Was this guy constipated ? ;)

His photo shows the most florid complexion I have ever seen ! :oops:

:-j

Bellman

01-13-06, 08:35 AM

Its a frigging friday ! (Alec Gill - Frigg's Folk.)

Yes its Friday the thirteenth ! :o :huh: :stare:

But cheer up - amongst the many interpretations of this superstition Alec finds a positive one :-
''AWESOME
In Pagan Yorkshire, Friday was probably a lucky day and the moon-linked No.13 was sacred. Even Easter is
determined by the lunar cycle. It always follows the first full moon after the 21st.March. We need to look afresh
at Friday the Thirteenth and see it in a more positive light. An awesome day, not an awful one. ''

For a chuckle visit: http://www.hull.ac.uk/php/cetag/5dfri13.htm

Bellman

01-13-06, 08:43 AM

................and if your going bananas and are all at sea about superstition - heres some flotsam and jetsam:-

Bananas at sea. ( By Sally Andrew)

http://www.pangolin.co.nz/jetsam/view_article.php?idx=9

Bellman

01-13-06, 08:53 AM

:lol: And back to ''Captain Birds Eye''

(The Guardian - Lawrence Booth)

''The foam-flecked case of Captain Robert Tarrant, the nuclear-submarine commander being
investigated for allegedly making his subordinates on HMS Talent feel smaller than plankton,
might provide a clue. Prosecuting at a court martial in Portsmouth, Commander Alison Towler
argued that commanding officers have the right to scream at the top of their lungs only when
"forceful and immediate action" is required, action that leaves "no room for tact". But Tarrant,
a less avuncular version of Captain Birds Eye, stands accused of bawling for 20 minutes in the
face of a lieutenant from a fishfinger's length away. This, according to the prosecution, was
behaviour that transcended "robust leadership and management. '' :nope: :down:

Bellman

01-13-06, 11:31 AM

Captain Birds Eyes behaviour raises questions about sleep loss.
''Macbeth shall sleep no more."

The military are very interested in research into the effects of sleep-loss and whether neuro-modulaters
and design drugs can abolish sleep. A designer age of customised sleep ?
The Director of Sleep Research at Sussex University advises that dolphins, which would drown if they slept totaly,
rest half the brain at a time. Whales meanwhile muti-task the sleeping to many different parts of the brain.

Any prescription has to better than those of ancient days which included the following remedies for sleeplessness:-
#Anointing the feet with squashed doormouse.
#Cleaning the teeth with the earwax of dogs.

Tiredness can affect your reaction times. So before you stretch yourself wirh DW combat, see how alert
you are with this game and test the impact of a cup of tea or coffee on your performance.

Take the Sheep Dash Test at:-
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/

Are you a :-
Sluggish Snail.
Ambling armidillo.
Bobbing bobcat.
Rocketing rabbit.
Turbo-charged cheeetah. ?

And if you are really awake take the 'Face memory test.' -
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/

:-j

Fish

01-13-06, 06:02 PM

Bellman

01-14-06, 05:07 AM

:D Good balance Fish.
Like you I did late night tests. The temporal results reflect my current sleeplessness - or was it drink ? :hmm:

Sheep Dash - Bobbing Bobcat
Faces:
Recognition - 100% (Sites average score 92%)
Temporal - 62% (Sites average score 68%)

Bellman

01-16-06, 02:43 AM

'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner'
Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Having been force fed, by memorising, large chunks of this at school, I steeled myself
to listen to a live reading on the radio yesterday.

Like one, that on a lonesome road
Doth walk in fear and dread,
And having once turned round walks on,
And turns no more his head ;
Because he knows, a frightful fiend
Doth close behind him tread.

But on salvation and return home -

He went like one that hath been stunned,
And is of sense forlorn :
A sadder and a wiser man,
He rose the morrow morn.

Bellman

01-16-06, 03:14 AM

'Toadbusters are here to save the world ' By Roberta Mancuso. Daily Telegraph.

Toadbusters claim 10,000th victim

LIKE their ghostbusting counterparts, Toadbusters are here to save the world – from cane toads at least.

Scores of volunteers from Gladstone in Queensland's south-east will be celebrating a rather unusual milestone next week
when they capture their 10,000th toad after years of hunting the reviled pest.

And like the Ghostbusters, who lived by the catchcry "they're here to save the world", Gladstone's toad chasers are on
a mission to save the environment – one toad at a time.

"I think people volunteer with the thought they personally can do something positive for their environment,"
Toadbusters coordinator Anna Hitchcock said today.

"No one really likes toads either, so that helps."

LuftWolf

01-16-06, 11:37 AM

capture their 10,000th toad

:oops:

I had visions of people clubing toads over the head with big pieces of wood.

I guess that's my American vision of saving the environment... :|\

Bellman

01-17-06, 02:38 AM

:lol: The kindly Aussies capture the beasties and hand 'em in for freeze-dry extermination.

The club would probably be quicker and 'kinder'. But the vision of hordes of kids mobbing the countryside
weilding hammers and squashing toads like pavement chewing-gum, is not a pretty one. :o :stare: :huh: :down:
:-j

Bellman

01-17-06, 04:26 AM

Just seen Kapitains sig :- Con sonar...................oooohh .......jellyfish :lol: :rotfl:

Seriously I reported above - ''Invasion of the Giant Jellyfish.'' Massive problem in the Sea of Japan.
Kaps funny made me wonder whether all that goo could cause serious problems to subs equipment. :hmm:
It clogs up fishing nets so you can imagine what it will it do to the TA etc....?

:lol: Super Powers deploy ASW Jellyfish shoals ? :-j

Bellman

01-17-06, 04:53 AM

When his African grey said: 'I love you Gary' in his partner's voice, Chris Taylor became suspicious.

How Ziggy the indiscreet parrot gave a cheating girlfriend the bird.' Alan Hamilton. The Times.

WHEN Chris Taylor’s best friend repeatedly mentioned the name Gary, his suspicions were aroused...............
He didn’t know a Gary.

And, when the best friend made slurpy kissing noises every time he heard the name Gary on television, Chris wondered
if Ziggy was trying to tell him something about some other pretty boy. The penny dropped when, one romantic evening
as Mr Taylor cuddled his girlfriend Suzy Collins on the sofa, Ziggy blurted out: “I love you, Gary.”

What gave the game away was that Ziggy spoke the fatal phrase in Ms Collins’s voice. Even by the standards of
African grey parrots, Ziggy is a mimic and a half, and from his cage in the corner he had heard every bill and
coo of a secret love affair.

A chill ran down Mr Taylor’s spine. He turned to Suzy, whose cheeks had flushed to beetroot. As she dissolved
in tears she was forced to admit to a month-long fling with Gary, some of their intimacies conducted in
Mr Taylor’s home while he was out at work, but Ziggy wasn’t. She could not deny it; every time her mobile phone
had rung, Ziggy had piped up in perfect imitation of her: “Hiya Gary

Feathers flew, the relationship was over, and Ms Collins, 25, a call-centre worker, was sent packing that very
night from the house in Headingley, Leeds, she had shared with man and bird for a year. That was sad enough,
but what is even more heartbreaking is that Mr Taylor has had to part with Ziggy.Hearing the bird constantly
squawking the hated name of Gary in the voice of an ex-girlfriend was just too much.

Mr Taylor believes Ziggy was looking after his master’s interests as the bird never really took to Ms Collins,
nor she to him. It might have been jealousy,which can flare so easily in a household of two males and one female.

Ms Collins, who is staying with friends, said “I’m surprised to hear he’s got rid of that bloody bird; he spent more
time talking to it than he did to me. I couldn’t stand Ziggy, and it looks now the feeling was mutual.”

Not, in her view, a pretty boy, then.
:-j
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1988755,00.html

Kapitan

01-17-06, 04:57 AM

hahaha read that this morning :D :rotfl:

Bellman

01-17-06, 05:15 AM

Times2 - Pass notes No 89: PARROTING THE TRUTH

'Naughty, naughty girl.

Yes, she was. And she should have known that parrots, with their extraordinary ability to mimic humans —
there’s one in New York with a vocab of 1,000 words — can land people in hot water. A cheeky African grey
on board HMS Lancaster once told a lady-in-waiting to the Queen she was a “slag” and had to be kept out of
earshot when the Queen came on board because of his habit of telling top brass to “******* off”. And a vicar in
Norfolk got into trouble when his parrot wolf-whistled at nuns . . .

P*** off, mate.

That’s the line that got a parrot sacked from a panto in Dorset. He was supposed to be Captain Flint, Long John
Silver’s parrot, but instead of saying “pieces of eight!” he turned the air blue. That reflects the bad habits of the
owners. After all, as you know, parrots repeat only what they hear at home.' :-j

Kapitan

01-17-06, 05:28 AM

my uncle had one that mimiced the telephon everytime my uncle went to have a bath or some thing he would make the sound couldnt tell the diffrence

Bellman

01-18-06, 12:45 AM

Submarine captain cleared
By Michael Evans. The Times Defence Editor.

A NUCLEAR submarine commander’s experience of active duty in the Falklands war led him to expect the highest
standards from his crew, a court martial in a case of alleged bullying was told yesterday.

Captain Tarrant had been accused of shouting and screaming at crew members on board HMS Talent and reducing
two officers to tears during a secret mission in 1998-99. Judge John Bayliss, Judge Advocate, directed the panel to find
him not guilty through lack of evidence in three of the cases.

Giving evidence for the first time in his court martial at Portsmouth naval base, Captain Tarrant spoke of his service
in the Falklands as a young officer on board HMS Antrim, a destroyer that was seriously damaged after an
Argentine air attack. ''What I discovered was that a margin of error between operational safety and therefore operational
success, and operational disaster was pretty small.'' he said. ''Therefore from my perspective, it came down
to having the very highest of standards for operational capability at all times.''

However, he told the court martial panel of naval officers that when HMS Talent was setting sail for operations in
January 1999, his crew was ''extremely inexperienced.'' He said it was like ''taking someone from the third division
(Football team) and in six or seven weeks getting them to play in the Premier League !''

He went on to say ''I do not think I subjected anybody under my command to verbal abuse at any time. I believe
I took corrective action for operational issues and the submarine operated at all times safely in a very demanding
environment with extremely inexperienced people.''

The hearing continues. (Further charges)

Bellman

01-19-06, 05:13 AM

Quickie:-

CRASH OUT ?

An Australian prisoner escaped by going on a crash diet, losing three stones and squeezing out between the
bars of his cell.

LuftWolf

01-19-06, 08:26 PM

Tres Huevos strikes again.

Bellman

01-20-06, 01:23 AM

:D ''Its an illusion Bernie.''

Bellman

01-20-06, 01:29 AM

Sub captain cleared of bullying his young crew
By Michael Evans. The Times. (Re: The further charges.)

THE captain of a nuclear submarine was cleared of bullying his crew ysterday after telling of his concerns that they
were not up to their secret mission. Captain Robert Tarrant described his job of taking his young, inexperienced
crew on such a dangerous assignment as “like taking footballers from the third division to the Premier League
in six or seven weeks.

Captain Tarrant, who joined the Navy in September 1979, also complained that the submarine was “riddled
with defects” as it was about to set off on a classified mission. He was not allowed to reveal publicly his orders for the
Trafalgar class nuclear-powered “hunter-killer” submarine, between February 1998 and July 1999.

In his evidence Captain Tarrant disclosed that HMS Talent had been sent off for an operation in January 1999.
It was at this time that Nato was preparing bombing raids on Serb targets in Kosovo and Belgrade to stop Serb troops
carrying out “ethnic cleansing” of the Albanian population.

The only member of the public allowed to listen to the most secret evidence was Captain Tarrant’s wife. An intelligence
officer told the judge that Mrs Tarrant, 44, was already well acquainted with her husband’s submarine work.

After his acquittal on the five charges, he held hands with his wife, Tracy, as he read out a statement. He began by saying:
“I wrote this myself, it’s what I believe. The Royal Navy and the Armed Forces have a zero tolerance of bullying
and harassment, and it is quite right that these allegations should have been thoroughly investigated; and they have.”

Bellman

01-21-06, 05:48 AM

Are you a Super Smurf * ?

High King Niall: the most fertile man in Ireland
Jan Battles. Sunday Teleraph.

GENETICISTS have identified Ireland’s most successful alpha male. As many as one in 12 Irish men could be descended
from Niall of the Nine Hostages, a 5th-century warlord, according to research conducted at Trinity College Dublin.

Niall, who was head of the most powerful dynasty in medieval Ireland, may have left a genetic legacy almost
as impressive as Genghis Khan, the Mongol emperor who has 16m descendants after conquering most of Asia
in the 13th century.

Researchers at the Smurfit* Institute of Genetics at Trinity estimate there could be as many as 3m men worldwide
descended from Niall. The highest concentration of his progeny is in northwest Ireland, where one in five males have
inherited his Y chromosome.

When international databases were checked, the lineage also turned up in roughly one in 10 men in western
and central Scotland. About 2% of European-American New Yorkers carried similar Y chromosomes.

“Given historically high rates of Irish emigration to north America and other parts of the world, it seems likely that
the number of descendants worldwide runs to perhaps 2-3m males,” according to the paper, which has been
published in the American Journal of Human Genetics, which is also where the study showing Khan’s genetic
dominance appeared.

Niall reportedly had 12 sons, many of whom became powerful kings themselves. One was Conall, after whom
Donegal (Tir Chonaill) was named, while Tyrone (Tir Eoghain) was ruled by Eoghain. Other sons were powerful
in the midlands and all but two of the High Kings at Tara after Niall were his descendants.

Katharine Simms, head of Trinity’s history department said “Under Brehon law a man had a first wife, a live-in concubine,
a live-out concubine and someone he just casually met and so on. '“In each of these cases a child
could take the father’s name.”

Plenty of opportunities then for creating that gene pool. ;) ...........and dont forget the ''Nine Hostages'' ? :-j

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2091-1986072,00.html

Bellman

01-21-06, 07:31 AM

Lets head for - 'The Eureka Years. ' 1901. BBC 4.

Adam Hart-Davis explored spectacular years in the long history of science, when brilliant ideas emerged from the
maelstrom of mad, bad and dangerous thinking.

Why did the navy consider the submarine an un-British way to wage war, and how did the sanitary arrangements
threaten to undermine the superiority of the officer class?

The year the first motorbyke was invented saw the birth of th RN's first submarine. Shipyard No1 Barrow-in-Furness
launched the Holland 1 - she was 11 x 60 ft and weighed 112 tons, with a crew of eight, a single torp tube and a
steering wheel. Her RN title was HM Submarine Torpedo Boat No 1 and soon 4 others were built, designated for
harbour protection. By WW1 RN had the largest fleet of serving subs in the world.

Holland 1 was petrol engined and hence carried white mice as a CO (carbon monoxide) precaution. These critters were
uniformely hated, by the crew,for their loud (sic) squeeking ! ( cf. Modern intrusive sonar ! ).

Conservative Naval command elements felt that the use of submarines was underhand (not sporting)
Perhaps the same folk who still considered 'steam' new fangled ! No surprise then the sub was known as
'The Devils Device." But even in Nelson's day his commander had predicted that the sub would bring about the
''end of the battleship.'

From small acorns - the submarine service with its 'shoulder to shoulder' requirement for officers to serve
alongside their men heralded in new concepts of leadership. A trend which was impressively, but sadly, further
demonstrated by thousands of young subalterns who died leading their troops 'over the top' from the trenches of WW1.

On a lighter note and BOT - the head enforced the lowest common denominator principle. Where there was communal
lavatorial facilities with no privacy, as demonstrated by Holland, there could be no false pretensions !

Was the 'head' an agent of social revolution ? In France - Dr. Guillotin in the UK - the 'head' ? ;)

Bellman

01-22-06, 05:48 AM

The Army's deadliest enemy is at home
By Max Hastings (Filed: 22/01/2006) The Sunday Telegraph.

Extracts relevant to the 'bullying' case :-

''Last week's court-martial proceedings against a Royal Navy submarine captain accused of bullying his officers
made bleak reading. I have no opinion about the merits of the case, and no sympathy with bullies. Like most people
who care about the Armed Forces, however, I felt my heart sink at yet another public embarrassment.
Their via dolorosa seems endless.

Today, politicians and lawyers have thrust upon the Armed Forces restrictions and legal burdens designed to drive them
into line with modern civilian practice. This is madness. Those who administer the Infantry Training Centre at Catterick
are scarcely allowed to impose discipline on new recruits, lest they quit or sue.

Many line battalions have to run their own training programmes for alleged trained soldiers from the ITC,
(Infantry Training Course) to render them fit to serve. Faced with the most rudimentary discipline - punctuality,
kit inspections, morning runs, obedience to orders - many young men literally pack up and go home.

The excesses of European Human Rights law are bad enough in civil life, but disastrous when imposed upon the
Services. The current issue of British Army Review carries a letter from a veteran warrant officer, suggesting that young
soldiers no longer find it acceptable to give "casual salutes" to officers. The First Sea Lord, Sir Alan West,
said this month that the Armed Forces face ''legal encirclement" from human rights. Every officer knows what
he means. Circumstance and misguided policy unite against discipline, confidence and morale.

One of the oldest military maxims is "train hard, fight easy". If Britain's Armed Forces are obliged to conform to
the social and legal standards now prevailing in civil life, their future is bleak indeed, because these will
render them unconvincing warriors.

A retired general tells me of conversations with several officers who have left the Services: "They say they find
civilian life a breath of fresh air, because they no longer have to work with all the taboos and restrictions that
are making uniformed life fantastically difficult. It's becoming easier to give an order in a civilian business than in a
service unit.''

Bellman

01-22-06, 06:28 AM

Eureka Years cont.

US readers will know that Holland, an Irishman, was sponsored by 'Nationalists' to take his ideas to
America where he first produced a steam driven vessel.

The Saga of the Submarine:
Part 4: The USS Holland - John Holland
http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/blsubmarine7.htm

Related Articles:

The Saga of the Submarine - John Holland and the USS Ho...
The Saga of the Submarine - John Holland vs Simon Lake
The Evolution of Submarine Design

Also - The Evolution of Submarine Design:
http://inventors.about.com/library/inventors/blsubmarine3.htm

Bellman

01-22-06, 01:18 PM

Willy photos.

(The Thames whale was christened Wlly (By some.)

See the BBC photos - click halfway down on the left.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/

We weren’t always quite so sentimental:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2087-2004267,00.html

Bellman

01-23-06, 09:01 AM

No, Willy was Willamena !

The 19ft whale has now been confirmed as an adolescent female.

She first surfaced on Friday morning in central London and throughout the day captured the attention of thousands
of Londoners who flocked to the river banks.

Despite the best efforts of many well meaning volunteers she subsequently expired as she was being
carried down the Thames to open sea in an inflatable jacket on a barge.

Kapitan

01-23-06, 09:04 AM

:arrgh!: this is a hijack :arrgh!:

Bellman

01-24-06, 04:53 AM

:o Tests continue to find out what killed the whale :hmm:

Bellman

01-25-06, 12:27 AM

'Whale 'vomit' sparks cash bonanza.' BBC.

An Australian couple who picked up an odd-looking fatty lump from a quiet beach are in line for a cash windfall.
Leon Wright and his wife took home a 14.75kg lump of ambergris, found in the innards of sperm whales
and used in perfumes after it has been vomited up.

Sought after because of its rarity, ambergris can float on the ocean for years before washing ashore.
Worth up to $20 a gram, Mr Wright's find on a South Australian beach could net his family US$295,000 (£165,300).

Floating gold ? ...............................
Mythologised for thousands of years, ambergris has been referred to as "floating gold" by scientists and scavengers
who long for a windfall amid the surf.

Expelled from the abdomen of the giant sperm whale, often while hundreds of kilometres away from land,
ambergris is a natural excrement thought to be used by the whale as a digestion aid. After 10 years, it's
considered clean and all you're getting then is the wonderful musky, very sweet perfume, which I've
got to say is ultra smooth - it's unbelievable."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4642722.stm

I'm off to the Thames with my shrimping-net ! :-j

Bellman

01-25-06, 08:57 AM

''Whale died from 'multiple causes'' BBC.

A post-mortem examination on the whale which became stranded in the River Thames showed it died from
a combination of problems. These included dehydration, muscle damage and failing kidneys.

ZSL's veterinary pathologist Dr Paul Jepson, who carried out the post-mortem tests, said: "Whales and dolphins
obtain water from their food, and northern bottle-nosed whales normally feed on deep water squid in the Atlantic Ocean.

"This animal would not have been able to feed while in the North Sea and so would have become dehydrated."
Laboratory tests are continuing to see if the whale had any bacterial or viral infection, and for pollutants
such as heavy metals.

Dr Jepson added: "The last few days have been an unforgettable and ultimately sad experience for us all,
and we are now determined that the whale did not die in vain.

"The incident has demonstrated a clear message of the nation's passion for these animals and their conservation."

Bellman

01-28-06, 08:11 AM

Wing Nut remembers a Pied Piper incident.
(Ben Macintyre.)

Reminiscing about 'The West Wing' in the face of its imminent demise Ben reminded us of the sort
of things that saved the series from sanctimony. A healthy dose of self -mockery and a knack for bringing
its holy characters down to size.

In one early episode, Sam and Josh, spin-doctor and deputy chief of staff, are walking and talking breathlessly
down one of the West Wing's endless corridors, looking purposeful and important. Then they stop.
Sam: Where are you going ?
Josh: Where are you going ?
Sam: I was following you.
Josh: I was folllowing you.........(Pause.).......All right,..........dont tell anyone this happened, OK ?
:-j

Bellman

01-28-06, 09:07 AM

:-j I regret moving off the 'Bilges' topic, so - Can you light a fart ?

The answer is yes, but be quick - Farts can travel at speeds of 10ft 3m a second. An average fart is 59 per cent
nitrogen, 21 per cent hydrogen, 9 per cent carbon dioxide, 7 per cent methane and 4 per cent oxygen.

The gas that makes farts smell is hydrogen sulphide. This gas, which is less than 1 per cent of the make-up of a fart,
contains sulphur, the smelly component. Foods that cause smelly farts include beans, cabbage, cheese, eggs, fizzy drinks.

A person produces about half a litre (1pt) of farts a day and most people pass gas about 14 times a day.

We should remembert Le Petomane made a stage career out of well-controlled flatulence. Le Petomane means
"the fartiste" or "the manic farter". See:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane

NB. 'Fart'- n & v.i. (indecent) 'Emission of wind from the anus.' Oxford Dictionary.

Kapitan

01-28-06, 09:08 AM

bellman this thread is long dead :o

and lighting a fart im not even gunna try :d

Bellman

01-28-06, 09:21 AM

:rotfl: .......Well I guess you are the ultimate arbiter in these matters.

Sorry if this is a 'Kap Free zone'..................on second thoughts. :hmm:

:lol: :-j

Bellman

01-31-06, 05:10 AM

Guess a lot of us, past the first blush, cant resist a sideways look at the bathroom mirror en route to the shower.
You know, just checking nothings dropped off. ;)

Well nursing a hungover head I made that mistake - and got the shock of my life - heck 'Nipples' .........................
..............Where the **** did they spring from. (Beeing an observant sort of cove.)
Well the good 'ole BBC swots turned in an answer - so here it is for any of you natural borne worriers:-

Why do men have nipples?

Mark Leyner and Dr Billy Goldberg answer the questions you'd love to ask a doctor at a party - after a glass
or two of wine. Because we are mammals and blessed with body hair, three middle ear bones, and the ability
to nourish our young (sic :o ) with milk that females produce in modified sweat glands called mammary glands.

Now I know you two brain DW exponents probably know all this stuff but - Although females have the mammary
glands, we all start out in a similar way in the embryo. During development, the embryo follows a female
template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in for a male embryo. The embryo then begins
to develop all of its male characteristics. Men are thus left with nipples and also with some breast tissue.

Men can even get breast cancer and there are some medical conditions that can cause male breasts
to enlarge. Abnormal enlargement of the breasts in a male is known a gynecomastia. Gynecomastia
can be caused by using anabolic steroids. So, if your favourite athlete suddenly develops
man boobs and starts winning gold medals, you know the reason why.

Well heck I'm not looking at 'em - where's the elastoplast - fixed. ;)

:-j

Kapitan

02-02-06, 06:44 PM

fresh in bellman

around england in Jahre Viking the worlds largest super tanker see my post for details and screen shots and the log :up:

its in general topics

Bellman

02-07-06, 01:36 AM

Posting some stuff on the Type 45 in 'General' it bacame apparent why she's got the handle ''Daring.''

According to Lt Cdr Dean Woodruff RN, who has been overseeing Daring's progress, she was something
''special ''for the Royal Navy. ' More space has been allocated for recreational areas including the first
purpose built fitness centre.' :huh: :o

'All ranks were asked what they would like on board Daring and 95% of their ideas have been incorporated.'

Wow - Neals gonna want to serve on her ;) Bars and pole-dancers.........................bring it on !!
Where do I sign ? :-j

Bellman

02-09-06, 12:45 PM

E-fit artist starts hunt for burglar from outer space.
Morphed from the Times.

A burglary appears to have been committed by a Martian with a partialy-severed ear, five o'clock shadow and
a stick-on moustache from a christmas cracker. Have you seen him ?

Kim Rule, joint licensee of the Grebe pub in Stalham, Norfolk, has asked police to try harder with their computerised
image of the man she saw stealing two small safes from her premises. The e-fit picture was created from
a description of the intruder given to officers by Mrs Rule. She did not get a good look at his face, but she believes
that he was human. She fears that he will never be caught on the basis of such an inaccurate image.

Police have issued a picture of a man with the top of his right ear missing, tousled hair, dark heavy eyebrows
and a moustache offset and partly covering his top lip.

''He did'nt look that odd'' said his victim.'' ''We have some right charecters 'ere but I have never
seen anyone like that in Stalham or anywhere else in my life.

Apparently the problem with the moustache was that the police only had long moustaches on their computor
and had to sort of chop it off and fiddle around a bit.

Privately Norfolk police are highly amused at the image. And they acknowledge that if the felon really looks like that,
catching him will be a piece of cake , unless he's hot-footed it back to Mars.

:-j

Jamie

02-09-06, 02:41 PM

Bellman is mildly.... ummm.... frightening. :o

Bellman

02-09-06, 02:56 PM

:rotfl:

Oh yes very scarey ;)

Bellman

02-10-06, 05:51 AM

.......................but then as James Thurber said.........................................''I come from haunts of Coot and Hern.'' :-j

PS. Sun 12th. Edited addition .
Always thought that 'hern' should be 'tern' but looked up the original cartoon and hern it is ! Of course
Thurbers choice of word merely tends to underlne the impression that the character, in the cartoon I hastily add,
is to say the least a trifle wacky.

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 05:59 AM

Ok, this thread needs to be hijacked again...

I suggest a (not) random quote thread. :arrgh!:

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 06:01 AM

.......................but then as James Thurber said.............................................. ...''I come from haunt of coot and tern.'' :-j

Ok, Bellman started it. :up: ;)

"The establishment might grind slow, but it grinds fine." ---Bob Marley

Ok, now its someone elses turn. :)

Bellman

02-10-06, 07:58 AM

:rotfl: Remember 'Nightmare on Elm Street '? -''I'm still here.''

But as Jamie likes to be 'frightened' should I have put on my Jack Torrance (Nicholson) mad writers hat and said
''Honey I'm home'' - swingng that little axe at the Overlord Hotel ,in The Shining. Was that scarey ?:o :huh: :dead:

OK as requested -
'Laugh and the world laughs with you;
Weep and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.'
Wilcox.

Holding that sentiment - I hope 'Bilges' will continue to attract a little humour about the oddities of life. ;)
I mean Bilges is for a little light rubbish from ALL the crew - so come on throw a bit in here please. :lol:
:-j :o :huh: :dead:

Bellman

02-10-06, 08:26 AM

It's a miracle! Old Blow Dries is back and the whole of the US is singing.
(Morphed from Garard Baker - The Times.)

This article carries a health warning to our 'friends across the water' - it employs a little irony - ok.

EVERY NOW AND THEN an event of genuinely startling cultural significance forces its way into our consciousness,
requiring us to rethink all our assumptions, and challenging us to stand up for what we really believe.
I am enjoined by my wife not to write anything derogatory about Manilow.

Too often we take for granted what we should truly treasure. We forget the horrors of a past we have escaped
from and we underestimate the willingness of others to undo it all and take us back there.

We have witnessed one of these episodes in the last week. I’m talking, of course, about the return of Barry Manilow..............
“I write the songs that make the whole world sing/ I write the songs of love and special things/ I write.......''

I had known for a while that Americans were in a state of some dismay about the state of their country.
But who knew it was this bad? That in turning away from today’s traumas, they would look for inspiration to 1977,
and the voice of that generation.

But then again, as my wife would put it, there may be a simpler explanation for all this. Really good music,
performed by really talented musicians, just never goes out of style.

PS Note the attendance of the Rolling Stones at Superbowl. In return for 'Liberty Boats' we send the USA our........
Rock Crocks ?

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 01:30 PM

I think I made him blow harder... :dead:

Bellman

02-10-06, 02:42 PM

:lol: :yep: But I love quotations so bring 'em on. ;)

Or even ''a funny thing happened ''........................feel free to brighten someones day ........even one. :up:

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 02:53 PM

I hope this thread has a happy ending, because this is one hell of a massage.

Bellman

02-10-06, 03:34 PM

:lol: A ''massage'' for the 4000+ hits - not me just more work.

It has always had the Sword of Damocles hanging over it. Thats the Mods privilege - it spins while it spins
then it spins away. C'est le vie ! Its not a blog - just an attempt to divert, interest and ammuse.
In my old fashioned book that is usualy called beeing civilised.

Sorry it seems to bother someone so busy with other things - cant figure why. ! :hmm:

The label is clear 'Bilges.' So why enter - something to contributel? Please do - make me laugh.

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 03:36 PM

Sword of Damocles

Sword of Demosthenes.

And you're British... :lol:

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 03:37 PM

A ''massage'' for the 4000+ hits - not me just more work.

Yeah, but 2800 of them are you. :know: :-j

Bellman

02-10-06, 03:56 PM

:rotfl: .......... you need some sleep. :up:
:rotfl:

The Sword of Damocles, Brewers.
Impending danger or disaster. Damocles , a sycophantr of Dionysius the Elder, of Syracuse, was invited
by the tyrant to test the felicitty of which he boasted. Accepting, he was set down to a sumptious banquet,
but over his head a sword was suspended by a hair. Damocles was afraid to stir, and the banquet was a torment for him.

English old son.

:rotfl: So 2 out of three wrong and I cant be bothered to count my devoted posts - it could be 3 out of 3.

Hit the sack mate you've been burning the candle at both ends and its beginning to show. :yep: ;)

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 04:07 PM

Damn, you're right about the Greek. :damn:

Crap. I do need some sleep. :-j

Bellman

02-10-06, 04:15 PM

:) First Officer here - Captain Bellman sends his respects and has asked me to inform you that he has now
gone ashore where he is carrying out further research into the choice of a suitable hostlery, for the crews
pre-embarkation party. Such a dedicated officer. :-j

LuftWolf

02-10-06, 04:19 PM

So have you tried LWAMI 3.00? :)

Bellman

02-12-06, 02:56 AM

Reaching down an old battered copy of the 'Thurber Carnival' to checkout that quote,
I got sucked-in for a chuckle or two.

'James Thurber, the great American humourist writer and cartoonist is a model for those of us who value
gentle self-deprecatory wit with a dash of wistfulness and melacholy. He depicts in simple lines -
and words - the pathetic, yet humorous stupidities of the people of his day and age. Everybody, even Thurber
himself, has tried to define his superlative mixture of inconsequence, absurdity, and irony -
and everybody has failed,for the scenes and situations he presents belong to that hinterland
between reality and fantasy where logic has no meaning.'

Some quotes:-

'Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone ?'

'Its our own story exactly! He bold as a hawk, she soft as the dawn.

'Well who made the magic go out of our marriage - you or me ?'

'Theres no use your trying to save me, my good man.'

'Your not my patient, you're my meat, Mrs Quist !'

To his depressed hound - 'For heavans sake, why
dont you go outdoors and trace something ?'

:-j

Bellman

02-16-06, 05:43 AM

Host of a chat show said to Jo Brand, comedienne, ''I believe you have a very happy marriage.''
''Yes, I do, but my husband does'nt !'' She said.
:-j

Bellman

02-17-06, 09:57 AM

WOMEN AND MAPS. ;)

Letters to the editor - lady getting uppity in response to an article claiming women have trouble with reading maps.

She hits back saying her husband has an infallible system - ''If we get lost and I'm navigating its my fault,
because I have the map; if he's navigating its my fault, because I have control of the steering wheel.''
:-j

Bellman

02-18-06, 04:50 AM

A good catch. (BBC Radio4 Home Truths.)

Two seniors out in a rowing boat rod fishing in a swell. Fred is seasick and in hanging over the side loses his false teeth.
Later Jim, pulling his leg, quietly attaches his own false teeth to the hook of his rod and makes to haul 'em in.
''Look what I've caught Fred '' he says. So Fred takes them off the hook and pops them in his mouth.

''Damn it they dont fit, and they are'nt mine'' he says throwing them back into the water.

:-j

Bellman

02-19-06, 06:07 AM

A small bite. (BBC Radio 4 News Quiz)
Clippings from actual Newspapers thet might amuse.

Nobo the circus dwarf was on a trampoline in the ring when he misjudged things and bounced sideways
into the open mouth of a Hippopotamus, spellbound and gaping in amazement at the spectacle, and merely waiting
his turn as the next act. A vet ( sic ?) was called in who reported that the Hippo had a gag reaction and
nothing could be done.

Meanwhile the 1000 plus audience continued to applaud assuming it was all part of the act.

:-j

PS. Might be one or two more here to chuckle at -

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/newsquiz_cuttings.shtml

Bellman

02-20-06, 03:21 AM

Remember - ' Who's p-p-picked up our penguin?' **

Well call me an 'ole cynic but the zoo has announced the birth of a new 'Jackass' penguin for the ''grieving parents. '':o

Now lets see when is Easter, early April - that'l do nicely. The ''missing'' buzz story did no harm then !

Whose the penguin and whose the Jackasses ? :yep:

''BABY JOY FOR PENGUIN PARENTS'' Solent TV. Uuuugh ! :huh:
http://www.solent.tv/pageviewer.aspx?page=S632736328862719180
Still its aimed at kids, its a day out for the family and oh yes the zoo owner wont mind.
Wonder if he's over the grieving stage. :lol:

Previously:-
http://www.subsim.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=44504&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=50

PS. Appologise for my penguin obsession - blame MSGallileo and his penguin 'slapper' The wifes plonked a kids
wind-up wobbling walking penguin alongside my 'ole moose' on top of the monitor. Its War.........again !! :arrgh!: :hulk:

Bellman

02-21-06, 01:28 AM

Diving.

The moment I tire
of difficult sand-grains
and giddy pebbles,
I roll with the punch
of a shrivelling wave
and am cosmonaut
out past the fringe
of a basalt ledge
in a moony sea-hall
spun beyond blue.
Faint but definite
heat of the universe

Andrew Motion Poet Laureate

Poetry in motion - sounds a bit toilet based ?

Bellman

02-21-06, 01:30 AM

BOT.

Rhino dung can now be turned into paper -
but its not a very pleasant letter to receive !

:-j

Bellman

02-22-06, 01:25 AM

Bathtub Ahoy !

Radio was quite a conservative medium in the last half of the 20 th century. Few will recall the groundbreaking
moment when the first 'gaseous discharge' (fart) was simulated.

This distinction lies with those Masters of the kazoo and slide whistle, namely Spike Jones and The City Slickers.
This seminal event occured in a wartime song title (best forgotten) but featuring the ''Super Duper Superhuman.''

Spike arrived in the 20s with his hit 'Clink, clink, clink another drink,' with the lyric ' Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle,'
Later came 'Cocktails for two.' But most folk may still have heard 'In some secluded rendesvous' or
'You always hurt the one you love.'

The City Slickers on the road show filled two roadcars and amounted to a fifty plus team of comedians
and acts as well as the band. The pressures of this type of life can only be imagined. The show was still going
strong in the fifties but a 70 day habit eventualy claimed Spike.

The 'circus,' as it was known, toured with everything it required, props and hardware wise, their only
request of the venue management was for a bathtub on stage. ;)

Bellman

02-23-06, 02:21 AM

THE BRICKLAYER'S STORY

I was searching for a link for an audio version to Gerard Hoffnungs Oxford Union speech. Their are copyright issues so
I must rest content with the bald prose which does'nt capture his very chuckleworthy superb timing **
and the infectious audience laughter.

Monologues:

''I've got this thing here that I must read to you.
Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.
A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of
'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer in
Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.

Respected sir,
When I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off the top.
So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over. I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured
the line at the bottom and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.

Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope...............
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening,..........................
the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground..................

I decided to hang on!.......................
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down......... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!..............

When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom....... allowing all the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel............ and so started down again at high speed!
Halfway down..........I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!

When I hit the ground... .......I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point............I must have lost my presence of mind... ........................because I let go of the line!.................
The barrel then came down.........giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital! ..................

I respectfully request 'sick leave'. ''

:-j

PS. To get a flavour of Hoffnungs timing, just pause, as you read where '................' are shown. And picture !

Bellman

02-24-06, 01:19 AM

Bellow the line purchases or Liar Buyers?

This is an important revelation in the 'Battle of the Sexes' All male fleet members, print on rice paper,
read and immediately eat with noodles. It is vital this does not fall into 'other hands' !

Heck, I'm sure I'm not alone in blushing with embarrassment, when I read a recent survey which reveals that men secretly
smuggle into the home, without telling their female partners, about 336 pounds a year worth of purchases...........................
:lol: mainly technical goodies.

Now those of a nervous disposition should brace themselves here.If you have any previous medical condition
or are under the doc., taking medication or just feeling fragile after a night on the sauce, please, please, put your
rice paper away for the time beeing. OK - your feeling strong, here goes. :roll:

The report, which I firmly believe has been commissioned researched and 'edited' by women states that
the female of the partnership merely smuggles in goods to the average value of about 227 pounds a year.
Guess what.............................................. .they are mainly shoes !! :arrgh!:

Why I suspect a female bias here is the impression given that 'the ever virtuous ones' will be honest ..........................
eventualy.........as the shoes mount feet and hop into RL....... ''Nice shoes dear !'' " They are old ones.''
''You've seen them before.'' Or worst of all irony, to accompanying mocking laughter - ''Oh you're so observant !'' :P

But I am confident, :hmm: , that we can maintain the upper hand. Fear not, that so vital purchase of a
new graphics card can be bolted in quickly and, if you clear the evidence by removing the old one to
'a place of safety', your secret will be intact. We know that this type of expenditure, is essential to the economic
management of our PC system............dont we ? :yep:
..............''Just a small amount, dear to make it last, like your car battery, you know.........'' :know: :smug:

It saddens me that we have to resort to such deception, muddying of pools, wiping out of tracks, but we are dealing
with an adversary who will not fight fairly and has long, long memories. It is mere retaliation on our part.............
We are at War, so, like all Bubbleheads, Strike from secrecy ! :hulk:
Deploy Enigmas imaginary wheel. ;)

:-j

Note. Any counter-security attention should address and report on the enigmatic and unpredictable
nature of ..............................................the female !

Bellman

02-25-06, 12:32 AM

Internecine War - 'Entrapment.' AAR. :arrgh!: :hulk:

(Aimed at the partnered - others skip !)

Now bubbleheads of the sneakier, less scrupulous, disposition. will be familiar with the concept of tempting the
opponent into a position which exposes him and gives few avenues for escape.
Well guys, when I posted earlier about women and maps - the savier amongst you would know that I would'nt
get away with it..........................................unansw ered !

After a great breakfast, relaxing chewing the cud, little did I know I was on the menu of that skilled hunter, the Panther.
Not a blade of grass moved, not the slightest rustle, as she stalked her prey. First the Panther asseses the
lie of the land - its downwind, there are limited avenues of escape, and very importantly it knows as it inches
forward on its belly, that when it make its final rush the prey will react in certain ways.
The Panther is on known territory, its killing ground, it knows which bolt-holes are
closed - it also knows its prey. The prey is trapped, but does'nt know it !

''Looking forward to going over to Fartown today, we'll have lunch.''She said, innocently.
''Yep, had'nt forgotten.'' I said (Huh - continued grazing)
''But have YOU forgotten the roadworks ? ''( She's closing in for the kill)
Well I had but I reacted in 'known ways' (Guard down)
''No problemo my sweet.'' (Thinks - end of story !)

The final rush begins:
''Will you go in via Albany road ?'' She said. (Final stalking stage !)
''...'Spect so.'' (I was eyes-down)
''Only its blocked - they are digging it up''(Heck - looks-up - Whats this !)

Now its not too late for the prey here, it has to find an avenue of escape. But it's relaxed, well-fed, amiable..........
..... in short off-guard. (An easy target ?)
So instead of calculating the odds, examining the options such as going into the next room - separation,
time to think while consulting the local papers 'Works in progress' to see where the roadworks are taking place.:yep:

''Yeah '' (Running blindly - looking for those avenues.) '' But it was only blocked at the bottom, a fortnight ago,
so I'll take a right off it on to Gilbert Street. '' ................
''Its closed too!'' she said !! :o

Well I am on familiar male expertise strong ground here because I reckon I know the layout of this town,
like the back of my hand, having worked there for 15 years. But so had she ! But now I'm beeing challenged..........
..... some of you will recognise the situation. But all is still calm, a reasonable,(superficialy) discussion about plans.
So I know as the 'Pack Leader' (self-apponted ?) that I am confident of finding a path through the maze.
............(Second Big Mistake.) :ping:

''Well...'' (smelling a trap.) '' Where are the roadworks ?'' I said.
''Its a very confusing picture.''She said disingenously. (The feline - playing with its catch ?)
I am not giving way here, male hunting prowess is legendary, as are the inate mapping and route finding aptitudes. :cool:

''I will go Gillingham, across on Hill Street, down Mountjoy, up Kent - y'know the back-way.
You do remember !! (Touch of sarcasm !) :P ......................
.............'Their excavating in Hill Street'' She said. :damn: :damn: :damn:

The Panther has got its prey running (Panic setting-in which did'nt show !).....................But the panic addles the brain
and a bad decisions escalate. So those of you familiar with Gerard Hoffnungs 'The Bricklayer's Story will recall
the conclusion when the barrel of bricks, in spite of best efforts, descends from the top of the building and lands.
...... on his head !! '' At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line! ''

These 'games' have to be brought to an end with dignity and it requires one party to 'move.' (Diplomacy)
''Okay dokey - honey you drive.'' (The white flag is generously and calmly waved.)

''Happy to, dear one,'' she said ''the Car Park on Marlborough was quite empty........ last monday !! ''
''............''Funny bit in the paper about Women and maps - did you see it ?''

Aaaagh a kill and a very sweet revenge - I suppose. C'est la guerre and there will be rematches ! Oh yes !!
And anyways whose keeping the count ?

Note. I make no appology - this skirmish is of a type familiar to the mature and experienced but I hope that it
will serve as a salutory warning to all apprentices partners.
Take care out there !
:-j

GunnersMate

02-25-06, 12:55 AM

Calling DEVGRU this thread has been hijacked. Set ThreatCon Delta! :ping:

Bellman

02-25-06, 01:29 AM

:lol: C'mon - ever heard of hijacking c**p ?
Its Catch 22 fella ! ;)

Well now the Chief of the Watch has detailed you to help here in the bilges............. perhaps you can find the plug ?

Hope you've had breakfast - got a strong stomach ?
Take this brush and start scrubbing - watch your footing - its not a nice way to go !!!............ Poor 'ole Bill......................
Told him he should use the head !!

:-j

Bellman

02-25-06, 02:05 AM

:D I have been asked to place the following advertisement discreetly:

'White Van Enterprises Corp.' seeks large warehouse or multi- storey storage facility in a position with
good access to the Channel ports. An excellent deposit paid and five years rental upfront. ;)

See BBC Can the robbers launder the money? -
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4742362.stm

''Millions in banknotes may sound like a thief's dream, but shifting at least £25m, and possibly as much
as £50m-worth, is no easy task.

That much cash, in say £50 notes, would amount to 800,000 pieces of paper.**

It would stack up to 40 storeys high and would weigh about 900lbs - nearly half-a-tonne, says money laundering
expert Jeffrey Robinson.''

Before we left port Cap'n requested Bilge storage of some large waterproof packages with safety instructions
about 'high volatility ' No change there then.

** In an emergency - Could be just the most luxury toilet paper the crew will ever see. :o :huh: :rock: :up:

PS. Thought of asking Cap'n to make a 'Sticky:Patch' on the topic but he is prone to erupt !...................
.................................................. .........and thats just his bowels.:roll::oops:

:-j

Bellman

02-26-06, 11:45 PM

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast.
(Extraction from an extract of an edited extract. Lewis Walpert)

The cognitive imperative.

We all have a tendency to attribute inexplicable events to some sort of 'mystical' cause, like bad luck or even,
light heartedlly gremlins.

Fear of 'Friday the 13th was shared by Napoleon, Churchill and Franklin D.Roosevelt, who would cancel
any appintments he had on that day !

A scientist once visited the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen and was amazed
to find a horseshoe was nailed to the wall over his desk. 'Surely you done believe that horseshoe will bring
you good luck, do you Professor Bohr ?' he asked. Bohr replied......'''I believe no such thing, my good friend.
Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However I am told that a horseshoe wiil bring
you good luck, whether you believe in or not !''

How can one argue with such logic ?

:-j

SubSerpent

02-28-06, 09:24 PM

Farmer Joke.

Agricultural Expert - "I can talk to your animals and hear what their problems are and let you know why they refuse to perform their daily functions."

Old Farmer - "That's B.S.! Nobody can talk to an animal and listen to their problems!"

Agricultural Expert - "Sure they can! Lets talk to your horse over here and I'll prove it."

Agricultural Expert - "NAAAYYY NAAAY!"

Horse - "NAAAAAYYYY NAAAAYYY!"

Agricultural Expert - "You see! The horse just told me that if you brush him more often that his coat will be more shiney."

Old Farmer - "Yeah right! Any horse would tell you that, I still don't believe you."

Agricultural Expert - "Well lets just talk to your pigs over here."

Agricultural Expert - "OINK OINK!"

Pigs - "OINK OINK OINK!"

Agricultural Expert - "You see! The pigs just told me that if you feed them more slop they'll produce more babies."

Old Farmer - "Yeah Right! Any pig would tell you that, I still don't believe you."

Agricultural Expert - "Well lets just go talk to your cows."

Agricultural Expert - "MOO MOO!"

Cows- "MOO MOO MOOOO!"

Agricultural Expert - "You see! The cows just told me that you beat them with wooden 2X4s."

Old Farmer - "Man you really can communicate with the animals!"

Agricultural Expert - "I told you so, now lets go talk with your goats."

Old Farmer - "NOW WAIT JUST A MOMENT MAN, THEM GOATS ARE SOME LYING MOTHER ****ERS THERE!!!"

:rotfl:

Bellman

03-01-06, 12:49 AM

:rotfl:

Nice 'shaggy dog' SubSerpent :up:

:rotfl:

Just wish more folk would send more **it here......................typo thats wit. Gotta keep this 'business' going ! :-j

Bellman

03-01-06, 01:12 AM

:D 'Start the day with a smile, and get it over with.' W.C.Fields.
(Extracts from BBC Radio 4 programme.)

Tony Hancock considered WC one of the funniest men on earth. His fans included Spike Milligan,
Les Dawson and Benny Hill.

Bob Hope - 'I believe there was a W.C.Fields stamp - when you licked it, it tasted of Bourbon !'

This irascible curmudgeon of a bygone age, was Americas 6th largest earner in 1938. Despite his crack
'Any man who hates kids and dogs, ca'nt be all bad !!' .... he left the bulk of his estate to orphanages.

His live radio sparring with dummy Charlie McCarthy (Edgar Burden) were legendary. The 'feud' led to verbal
duels of wit, with each opponent lunging with barbs which were testing departures from the script.

His film appearances included 'My little chickadee' with Mae West and his favourite role Mr McCawber.
He carried a complete set of Dickens with him on tour.

After retiring a friend discovered him fingering through a bible. 'Thats not a bible is it Bill ?'
''Yeeeees - I'm looking for loopholes !

:-j

SubSerpent

03-01-06, 08:05 PM

Question:
Where would a BIG breasted woman work?

Answer: Hooters

Question:
Where would a BIG breasted woman with one leg work?

Answer: IHOP

:rotfl:

Bellman

03-02-06, 03:05 AM

:rotfl:

Anyone else going to join the party ? :up:

Bellman

03-02-06, 03:17 AM

Police call in the Beast !!

Ohio police department have unleashed a new recruit in their fight against crime. A photograph calculated
to scare the s**t out of the gang fraternities shows this awesome creature heavily chained to a fearsome looking
German Shepherd dog.

Yep there she goes weighing in at an impressive 2 lbs in the right corner, ladies and gentlemen....
I give you Miss Chihuahua ! ** :o :huh:

But she's got a good nose... so those drug runners had better start training for the marathon !!

Alledgedly, PD Chief Zanawitz told reporters - these dogs are great for my budget they eat ******* all,
and the beasties normaly(?) live a long time. My main problem is my guys dont like patrolin' 'em - they get hooted at. :roll: :oops:
Ca'nt kennel 'em with hungry Rottweilers. No siree. :nope:

** The worlds smallest dog ? Diminuitive Mexican Toy Dog descended from the Aztec Sacred Dog.

Bellman

03-02-06, 10:26 AM

She's a real brick ! (Morphed from the BBC.)

Marie Angelique studied hard at the College of Music and found that she had a real aptitude for playing the bricks.

She has a large repretoire and is often accompanied by her partner who plays
the dictaphone which sounds a little like a sliding whistle.

Conscious of the presentation imperative for the stage, she dresses formaly lin evening dress
and wears smart builders gloves and a hard-hat.

Apparently hers is a high risk operation for which she pays high insurance rates. She says handling the bricks
is no problem, for one so slight, but the bandages and elastoplast make tuning incredibly difficult.

:-j

Jamie

03-02-06, 01:53 PM

Old Farmer - "NOW WAIT JUST A MOMENT MAN, THEM GOATS ARE SOME LYING MOTHER ****ERS THERE!!!"

I always thought the punchline of this one was with respect to Sheep, no?

Goats kick.... hard! :o

Kapitan

03-02-06, 04:17 PM

dont think he has noticed that this thread is long dead mind you makes a good read to pass the time

SubSerpent

03-02-06, 07:27 PM

Old Farmer - "NOW WAIT JUST A MOMENT MAN, THEM GOATS ARE SOME LYING MOTHER ****ERS THERE!!!"

I always thought the punchline of this one was with respect to Sheep, no?

Goats kick.... hard! :o

Actually it is suppose to be a sheep. But if you ever listen to some of Adam Sandlers Music 'The Goat Song" I'd thought I'd use a goat instead of a sheep. Here's the lyrics...

Performed by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Jon Rosenburg, and Mike Thompson

I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a ****
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage

And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe

Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad

I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can

Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"

So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!

Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end

But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he ****s me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief

To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot ****ing rope."

Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw

At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet

But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control

The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "****ing crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
**** me in the goat-ass!

Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed them with ****
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a ****ing goat-riot

Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!

They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead ****ing goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see

The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"**** you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"

The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! ****!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your ****ing jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!

"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"

"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the ****ing **** out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never walk straight again

I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock

He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old ****
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck

Goodnight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat!

Bellman

03-04-06, 12:31 AM

Radio comedian Linda Smith dies.

Broadcasters paid tribute earlier this week to a fine stand-up comic and radio personality who was voted the
'wittiest living person' by radio listners in 2002. Linda had been fighting ovarian cancer
for several years and died at the early age of 48.

She had a delightful jaundiced and surreal sense of humour and appeared in many leading shows including
the News Quiz, Just a minute and A Brief History of Timewasting. Her anecdotes included a hilarious account of
trying to estimate how much pasta to make with the aid of a spaghetti-measuring device.

She had an excellent eye for selecting the real press cuttings which were the final item in the News Quiz.
I remember one she read, she said, was from Mensa magazine :

A cutting from the South African Express - A Zimbwabian bus driver was transporting twenty mental patients
from Hirare to Bulawayo when he stopped for an illegal drink at a bar. On his return he found all the patients
had absconded. Fearing the sack, and not wishing to admit his failure, he looked for replacements
and seeing an queue at a bus stop he offered them a lift and a free ride. He filled the bus !

The unsuspecting passengers were duly delivered, within the walls of the mental institution, to a reception party
skilled in handling troublesome disturbed patients. The driver told the staff that they were very excitable
and prone to bizare behaviour !

They were skillfuly processed and delicately handled.............
It was three days before the mistake was discovered !.

SubSerpent

03-04-06, 08:02 AM

A WISH IS GRANTED!

A boy with one good arm and one deformed and curled-up nub arm was tired of being picked on at school. Other kids would throw baseballs at him from his weak side kowing full well that his deformed arm would not be able to react to catch the ball which would in up hitting him in the face. People called him names and he began to feel like a freak. As the school year went on things just got worse for him and finally he broke down.

With tearful eyes and a snot bubble hanging from his nose he prayed, "God, I wish my arm was like the other one"...

SUDDENLY his good arm began to twist and bend and break and curl-up into another deformed arm! :o

Bellman

03-04-06, 08:18 AM

:roll: :oops: :dead:

Swinging beam scatters MSPs.

A heavy oak roof beam came loose in the debating chamber of the Scottish Parliament forcing proceedings
to be cancelled. The 12 ft-long and 1 ft thick beam swung 20 ft above the Tory MSPs after breaking free of
one of its steel supporting sockets.

Members in the Holyrood building, which controversially cost 431 million pounds, were due to debate the importance of...
...........modern architecture to Scotland. :P :o

:-j

SubSerpent

03-04-06, 09:04 AM

The Legend of the Voodoo Dick...

A man had to go on a long two week business trip with his company but did not want to leave his wife at home without some form of sexual entertainment. He decided to go down to one of the local adult novelty shops to see what types of dildos they had available...

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice): Welcome to the number 1 Adult Novelty shop. What can I do for you?

Man: I need to buy a dildo for my wife whom I will be leaving at home alone for a few weeks.

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice): You have come to the right place my friend. We have all sorts of dildos in stock. We have long, short, thick, narrow, studded, smooth, and ribbed.

Man: No, I need something different, something special.

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice): OHHH, you might want the special 'V.D. dildo' then.

Man: V.D.? Isn't that a sexually transmitted disease?...

SHOPKEEPER(Indian Voice):I just call it that because if you say its real name it comes to life and fecks anything you command it to.. Watch this...."Voodoo Dick the door"

The package on the counter opens up and the 'Voodoo Dick' flys across the room and starts to hammer the door.

Man: That's fecking awesome! I'll take it!!!

30 mins later...

Man: Honey, I'm home and I got something for you.

Wife: What did you bring me?

Man: It's a special dildo Honey!

Wife: What's so special about it?

Man: You can command it to feck anything you want. For example, "Voodoo Dick the pillow".

The Voodoo Dick flys out of it box and starts to hump the pillow.

Wife: (Jaw hits the floor) That's wonderful! Thanks for not leaving me at home without anything to do while you go on your trip!

Man: Your welcome, but now I have to leave. Have fun with your new toy Honey, I love you!

Wife: Love you too!

The man leaves the house on heads to the airport knowing full well that his wife will be happy while he is away.

Meanwhile back at the house....

Wife: "Voodoo Dick, my pu$$y!"

The 'Voodoo Dick' stops humping the pillow and fly straight up the woman's vagina and begins to ram her hard and deep.

Wife: Ewwww, YEeesssss, Ooooohhhh!

Eight Hourse later....

The wife has forgotten the special command to control the 'Voodoo Dick' and it continues to pound her hard. It's beginning to hurt her and she wants it to stop.

Wife: Ummm, 'Voodoo Dick Stop', 'Voodoo Dick go back to your box!' Why won't it stop? HOW DO I GET THIS THING TO STOP FECKING ME????!!!!???

Two hours later.....

Wife: Must......get......help....(Stumbles to her car as the 'Voodoo Dick' continues to hammer her insides)

Swerving down the road as the wife drove towards the hospital a cop thinks he's spotted a drunk driver and pulls over the car....

Cop: Had a little to much to drink tonight, mam?

Wife: No Officer, it's this 'Voodoo Dick' thing. It keeps fecking me and I can't get it to stop.

Cop: Yeah Right...."Voodoo Dick my a$$!" :o

WUHAHAHAHAH

Bellman

03-04-06, 11:38 AM

:lol:
True Story:
During the IRA bombing campaign a branch of the Post Office hit the emergency button when a small brown
paper parcel emitted a strange buzzing sound. The sorting office was cleared and the Bomb Squad sent in an automatic
robot to pick up the suspicious item. Nothing doing - so the machine placed it on the counter where....
it began to hop about.

At this point the disposal team came to the conclusion that someone had posted an animal so the the addressee was
tracked down and asked to come down to the Post Office. An elderly lady appeared eventualy and although she
was most reluctant tp proceed the Squad insisted she open it in front of them so that they could complete their report.

She opened the parcel and out from the box sprang an exotic coloured multi surfaced bouncing.................
vibrator. Big guffaws - one beetroot faced lady. :oops:

'' Perhaps madam will pop it away for now....eh ? '' :o

:-j

Bellman

03-08-06, 01:55 PM

John Junkin, prodigous radio comedy scriptwriter died recently.

When his wife left him, he managed to joke:
''We became incompatible........
I no longer had had an income and she was no longer pattable. !''

:-j

GunnersMate

03-08-06, 02:47 PM

Bell were you a sub sonar tech? :-j

sonar732

03-08-06, 03:06 PM

Bell were you a sub sonar tech? :-j

What's that suppose to mean? :hulk: :arrgh!:

Bellman

03-08-06, 11:58 PM

:lol: Gun mate - please avoid intimacy with inanimate objects. Reaming canons is a trifle wearing. :rotfl:

Down here in Bilges we need more 'Super Doopers' fighting 'Odour Man' not Super Bloopers :arrgh!: :hulk:

;) :-j

Bellman

03-09-06, 12:08 AM

Three-sips-and-you're-out !!
Morphed from Robert Hardman** Daily Mail.

I'm not a whisky man, only enjoying sampling with a chum who collects..........but is losing the battle :roll: :yep:

I was surprised therefore to hear of a concoction which it would be an insult to call 'rocket fuel'............
it is stronger than that - oh yes ! The V2 rockets that battered London in WW2 were propelled by a liquid
which was around 75% alcohol. The four times distilled Usquebaugh-Baul (Gaelic for 'Perilous Whisky')
works out at 92% - more than twice the strength of the average vodka or gin !

A new brew called Bruichladdich, rises like a phoenix from the ashes of acquisition, neglect and
abandonment by the American Jim Beam liquor empire. Localy called 'The Peril' 10,000 litres of this 'fuel'
have been recently put down. (Barrels not throats !)

It would be a great shame if it's watered down by beefing up less hairy brews.

** The hard man Nil 'Hard-stuff' 3.

:-j

GunnersMate

03-09-06, 12:25 AM

Bell were you a sub sonar tech? :-j

What's that suppose to mean? :hulk: :arrgh!:

Ithink you know exactly what I mean ! ;) :-j :yep:

Bellman

03-09-06, 01:08 AM

''I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.''

:rotfl:

Bellman

03-10-06, 11:39 AM

:rotfl:

The last remark typifies the state of mind I was in - deep in the mire of PC problems but with a new day
promising a new computor and hope and optimism always winning over experience.

:rotfl:

Bellman

03-11-06, 11:57 PM

:D Local People !

Press ad for Beer Festival:

Unusual REAL ALE
Unusual CIDER
Unusual LOCALS
Unusual BANDS
Usual HANGOVER.

:-j

Bellman

03-13-06, 12:41 AM

''The next saucer to Shoeburyness leaves from platform 5 ...''

Alok Jha
Monday March 13, 2006
The Guardian.

"We're getting there." That was the motto of British Rail in its 1980s heyday. But how they thought they might get
there will come as a surprise to even diehard trainspotters: a decade earlier engineers had patented plans to
transport passengers by nuclear-powered flying saucer, writes Alok Jha.

The plans for the space vehicle were discovered on the website of the European Patent Office by a student.
"I thought it must be a joke at first," he said, electing to stay anonymous. "It's the sort of thing you only
read about in science fiction books."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/story/0,,1729592,00.html

Bellman

03-13-06, 10:57 PM

A full moon.

Well a session in the stocks would be a suitable reward for the activity of 'mooning' but it seems its gone legit !
According to the Times - T2:

'Mooning is a legal form of communication, an American judge has ruled. Raymond McNealy, 44, exposed
his rear during a dispute between neighbours in Maryland and was charged with indecent exposure.
Judge John Debelus said that while disgusting, exposing buttocks was not obscene, arguing that if it were,
thongs on beaches would be banned.

But in an unusually frank opinion from the bench, His Honour did tell McNealy that had he been tried for beeing.......
''a jerk'', the outcome might have been different ! '

PS. This article is dedicated to TLAM - ''Never turn your back......etc.''

:-j

Kapitan

03-14-06, 02:36 AM

One for the bilge, one of my first MP games and one of the most embarrasing.

This is the acctualy conversation that took place.

Kapitain why are you wasting SAMs?
I’m trying to bait them.
Missiles attract helos!

Control Acoustics Torpedo in the water!
Control Acoustics loud explosion!

Kapitain did you just get killed?
Yes.

Bellman

03-14-06, 02:57 AM

:lol:

''Kapitain did you just get killed?''

'Yes.''

''Kapitain are you a ghost ?''

''Woooow !!''

:-j

Bellman

03-16-06, 12:20 AM

Enigma Variations.

'A U-boat captain's secret messsage sent 60 years ago has finaly been decoded.'
reports Alan Hamilton. The Times.

'It was the introduction of a fourth wheel that foxed them at the time. Now the power of modern computing
has finaly cracked a 64 year-old wartime enigma.

By linking 2500 home computers, a group of amateur cryptographers has managed to decode
a secret message transmitted by a German U-boat in November 1942, which at the time baffled
British codebreakers

The discovery has a sweet irony, as ideas developed by Alan Turing and his assoscates in their efforts
to intercept German radio traffic were crucial to the development of the modern computer.

The message was among three unsolved Enigma intercepts that were published in a cryptography enthusiasts
magazine in 1995. Although of no great historical significance, they were among only a hand-full of German
naval ciphers still in existence, which had not been decoded

Stefan Krah, a German-born violinist with an interest in codes and computers, took up the challenge, wrote a
code-breaking program and publicised it on various websites. Other enthusiastss quickly joined in. ''The most amazing
thing about the project is the exponential growthg of participants. All I did was to announce it in two news groups
and on one mailing list,''he said.'

Many good books have been written about Enigma but 'The Battle for the code' by Hugh Sebag-Montefiore
offers a balanced perspective of the contributions made by many sources. The role of the 'Enigma spy' Hans
Thilo Schmidt, who gave the key to the code to the French as early as 1931. The role of Polish Cipher bureau,
into whose hands a commercial enigma machine was delivered by mistake in 1929.The role of many very brave seamen
who 'went below' as U-boats were sinking and retreived vital material. Sebag-Montefiore does not seek to
minimise the superb work of Alan Turing and the BP teams, but to set it into a background as a vital section of an orchestra.

There are interesting descriptions of the mechanics of Enigma, of techniques like the 'Bombe', procedures
like the 'Banurismus and of the concept of an 'imaginary wheel.'

pwrmetal

03-17-06, 11:52 AM

bellman it took me 2 days for reading tthis post keep it up :-j
hehe

Bellman

03-18-06, 01:14 AM

'For now we see through a glass darkly.'

'1421'

Retired RN Submarine Commanding Officer, Gavin Menzies, has written a book with a thesis which challenges
established academic beliefs about the discoveries of the 'New World.'

He sailed the world in the wake Columbus, Dias, Cabral and Vasco de Gama and followed routes 'pioneered'
by Magellan and Captain Cook.Having developed a passionate interest in early maps, it was his many years of
observing coastlines through a periscope and his knowledge of astro-navigation which enabled
him to reinterpret the ''misshapen representations of familiar lands.''
He has been able to promulgate the theory that the Chinese had circumnavigated the globe a century before
Magellan reached America and that the early European explorers had drawn on Chinese, or their associates, sources.

On the 8th March 1421, the largest fleet the world has ever seen set sail from China. The ships, some nearly
five hundred feet long, were under the command of Emperor Zhu his loyal eunach admirals. Their orders were -
'To proceed all the way to the end of the earth.' The voyage would last for two years and by the time they returned,
China was beginning its long, self-imposed isolation from the world it had so recently embraced. And so
the great ships were left to rot, and the records of their journey destroyed.

His web site is:

http://www.1421.tv/

His evidence:

http://www.1421.tv/pages/evidence/index.asp

But see also 'Debunking Gavin Menzies.' :

http://www.kenspy.com/Menzies/index.html

and:

http://baheyeldin.com/pseudoscience/gavin-menzies-1421-china-discovers-the-world.html

http://www.dightonrock.com/refutation_to_gavin_menzies.htm

Bellman

03-18-06, 01:23 AM

Cherches vous Klecksographie ?

Blotting your copy book !

An old joke about the patient taking the Rorchach test. Every ink blot he was shown he said reminded him
of a lady's "personal" parts. The psychiatrist finally said "My you have a dirty mind" and the patient said
"What do you mean, you're the one showing all the dirty pictures."

With reference to 'dark glases':

A Psychiatrist, becoming angry, and snatching back a Rorschach test from his patient
''Just make patterns from these dots, ignore any others you think you see !''

But psychiatrists are obsessed with sex:

A patient came to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test --
he shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it.
Psych: What do you see?
Pat: Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it.
Q: What do you see?
A: Two people are having sex in the square room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it.
Q: What do you see now?
Patient: Doctor, are you some kind of pervert ?

:-j

Bellman

03-20-06, 01:32 AM

:lol: One of the perks of beeing in the waste diposal 'business' is that occasionaly in sifting and filtering
little nuggets of gold get 'passed'.

So, as the captain is keen on recycling he has instructed us to store any items of any inherent worth
so that the crew can review them.

All of my staff (?) work to strict guidelines of selectivity but you must allow for some expression of personal
preferences.

The storeroom retaining these items will be called : RECYCLE
I hope that it will prove of some use - particularly to newcommers to DW.

Bellman

03-20-06, 01:38 AM

RECYCLE 1

From: SubSim.com
Posted by Henson: Wed Feb 22, 2006.

'To merge or not to merge ?'

'I do TMA for a living, and we fight all the time with a concept called ''contact multiplication." Basically, that
means if we are tracking the same contact on two separate sonars, the radar, ESM, and visually, and we don't
merge all of that data into one single contact, that not only makes our job a lot harder, but it increases the
chance that we will lose control of the situation because we are being bombarded with too much information and
not effectively using any of it

Merging that data does several things. As one poster already touched on, it vastly reduces the number of
contacts you have to track. Also, more importantly, it combines all of that information so that when you make
your TMA solution you are using all of the available data, not just part of it.

If you are able to gain an important contact on two separate sonar sources, DO IT. When you merge those two
sonar contacts, you will get bearings and dots for each sonar source. You may have noticed the two dots showing
up at the same time on your difference plots. What was giving you fits (not being able to stack those dots) is
actually a valuable tool, because if you get those two dots to stack on top of each other, you will know his
range. If you look on the geoplot it will be pretty easy to see what is really happening. Your towed array is in
a different location than your sperical array, so wherever those two bearings cross become a triangulated point
in the water...that is, no kidding, exactly where he was at that point in time. You should see a line of those
'crossed bearings' as time progresses, and by matching those you will have range, course, and speed locked in
without doing any work on class (DEMON).'

Thanks Henson.

Bellman

03-20-06, 01:51 AM

RECYCLE 2.

From the SCS Forum:
Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2006

''Mysterious link contacts.

Molon Labe:

Usually, the DDI will tell you who linked the target. I've noticed a lot of sourceless links in 1.03 so far
though. But, fear not, for there is a trick. Every playable platform has a track number, which, IIRC, will
always be in the format of XX01 where XX starts at 10 and increases by three for each platform. Every detected
platform that the platform detects will be numbered XX01+N. So, the first platform the 1st player detected wil
be track number 1002. So, if you see a contact that's something like 1509, then find 1501 and you'll know that's
the bitch that linked him. ;) ''

Bellman

03-20-06, 02:04 AM

RECYCLE 3.

From SubSim.com
Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006

Preferred Sonobuoy?

OneShot:

'Dr.Sid ... take a look at FAS or GlobalSecurity.org or some other pages and research the differences of the
buoys used in DW. You will notice that they have quite differing characteristics and uses. To stay with the VLAD
... before 1.03 there was no real modelling of the layer as well as uniform buoy depths which were not really
consistent with what should be according to unclassified Real Life sources. Since VLADs had a slight advantage
(not more then 1 nm ususally, mostly less) and otherwise same characteristics as DIFAR, the choice was simple.

Now with 1.03 we have a clearly modelled layer which is usually deeper then the old Deep buoys (400ft). After a
lot of lobbying SCS finally agreed to bring some more realism into DW and fit the buoys to the new conditions
and their real life counterparts (certainly not perfect, but close enough for gameplay purposes).

So what are the buoys for ? DIFAR are good for littoral waters and can go as deep as 400ft, VLADs are designed
and used in open waters of usually 800ft and more (VLAD Shallow is now 600ft). DICASS retain both a very shallow
t) and get a slightly deeper depth then before to get below some of the layers. And not to forget the cable
of the Hydrophone was extended to 2500ft (or was it 2000ft) and speed of deployment increased.

With these changes the Airborne plattforms are now capable to reach below the layers.
Bottom line, every buoy now has its strengths and weaknesses and your loadout has to be careful selected before
starting the mission. Yep that might suck in some cases for the FFG drivers with AI Helo, because they may not
be able to use all of the buoys, but th'en hopefully sooner or later the ASTAC station will get a revamp...'

Bellman

03-20-06, 02:37 AM

RECYCLE 4

From SCS Forum
Posted: Mon Feb 27.

'Going crazy after the narrowband identifications'

TLAM Strike:

'Ok each platform’s signature has five lines (called Tonals). Each of these tonals is generated by something on
the boat (a electrical generator, a turbine etc). The objective of a narrowband classification is to match all
five lines (if possible all maybe not be visible to a sensor) to a signature in the database. Now each set of
tonals is different in some aspects platform to platform while others are the same, generally the 1st few lines
are shared by many platforms (example the Akulas and Kilos both share a 50 Hz and 125 Hz tonals) while the 2nd
two tonals tend to be unique to a few platforms and the last one is used by one or two platforms. Another thing
to remember is the frequency range of each sensor, a Spherical Array can detect tonals of around 800 Hz to 2000
Hz while the Towed Array can detect 0 to 1200 Hz, and Conformal Array is around 100 Hz to 600 Hz.''

MaHuJa
Posted: Tue Feb 28:-

'TLAM strike gave the essentials, though it may be a bit hard to read.

I'll also give you some rules of thumb to go by.

All non-US platforms in the game has the first line at 50, while US ships and subs have the first line at 60.

This line can only be seen by a towed array.

The towed and hull arrays can detect the 125 lines which all subs and a few ships (most notoriously, the
"fishing boat") has in common.

Every nuclear powered sub (at least the playable ones) has a 320 line. The kilo has a 340 line. (Though if you
see that, he's running diesels, cavitating, or just too damn close)

From around 1000 and up, the lines show up only on the spherical array.

Each platform has a unique signature. (In the game, platform refers to class of ships instead of each and every
ship, as IRL) However, there are two cases where you'll get the wrong signature on screen. The first and most
common, is the partial signature. If you only have a 50 and a 125 line, you can scroll through the possibilities
- which include every sub not US-made, as well as plenty of both civilian and military ships. If you get a 320
on top of that, the selection is narrowed a lot. As the signal gets better (less range, target becoming noisier,
crossing layer, etc etc), you'll get even more lines.
The other case is when you have most every line, but two signatures are close to each other. There is a bit of
uncertainty allowed in displaying the signatures, and you have to determine which one matches the best. (Beware
of the doppler effect) '

Bellman

03-20-06, 02:58 AM

RECYCLE 5.

From CADC Posted 19th March:
'How to use the Speed formula.'

Oneshot:

''This is about the formula for calculating the speed of a contact from the P-3C OWTOP Manual, page 24.

For this forumla to work you need two successive contact positions, for example two MAD returns. Now place the cursor on the first MAD contact and hit "R" - without clickin draw a line to the next contact and read out the distance between those two. Thats the distance ... for the time you need to put down markers with the time when this position was marked on the NAV map (check the manual how to do that). Means both Markers you used should have a time attached. The difference in minutes between those two markers is your time in the formula.

Example :
First contact at 1235, second contact at 1237 = 2 minutes between them. Distance measured between those two is 1000yds. Divide the Distance by the time means 1000yds by 2 minutes. Multiply the result with 60 (for 60 minutes = 1 hour). The last step is to divide that result by 2025 (because we are using yards for distance and 2025 yds are 1nm). The result would be 15(kts).

Just the numbers :
1000 / 2 = 500
500 * 60 = 30000
30000 / 2025 = 15

You can use whatever time lies between your two positions, just.the example uses 2 minutes.''

Bellman

03-20-06, 03:05 AM

RECYCLE 6.

From SubSim.Com. Posted: Mon Feb 20 th.

Passive Torps.

Dr.Sid:

''Have you ever been targeted by passive homing torpedo from AI ship ? Does it have any sense to drop both active and passive CMs ? I mean .. passive CM makes a lot of noise, giving your position just to everybody (who does not know yet). It also masks torpedoes so it is harder for you to track them. And what more, you can load some active CMs instead of passive ones.''

Molon Labe:
Posted: Mon Feb 20,

''I don't think AI fires passive torps, but humans sure do! If you're playing with LW/Ami though, passive torps have a very hard time acquiring subs are are practically useless against them.

On the other hand, once Amizaur's torp control mod is finished, passive decoys may become a lot more important, since the player will be able to switch the torp from active to passive homing at will!

Edit: Here's a tip. Mark the incoming in BB and check the speed in DEMON. If it's 50-55 knots, it's active. If it's turned down to 45 or lower, it's probably passive, so get the right decoy ready! (TEST-71 exempted) ''

SeaQueen:
Posted: Mon Feb 20,

'Molon Labe wrote:
''I don't think AI fires passive torps, but humans sure do! ''

I got hit by a passive torpedo fired from a TYPHOON SSBN the other day. It never pinged once. I suspect it had to do with the sub being set to "avoid" hence it tried to remain more stealthy.'

Bellman

03-20-06, 05:49 AM

RECYCLE 7.

Re: Horizon Calculator - Radar and Visual.

Subguru:

''Quick rule-of-thumb I was taught in the Navy:

Radar horizon (in miles) = 1.4 * sqrt (height in feet)

Thus, a height of 100 feet yields a radar horizon of 14 miles

(compare with 14.146 using the Horizon Calculator) ''

Bellman

03-20-06, 05:50 AM

RECYCLE 8.

Fish has posted on Subsim.Com :-

''Better then EndItAll.

- But more complicated''.

Bellman

03-20-06, 05:56 AM

RECYCLE 9.

The UUV.

Fish:

''Triangulation with a UUV is common use in multiplayer. Further, you can use it to look over a reef or around a seamount.
It becomes very usefull when you have to go at speed to evade, or sprint and drift. The UUV then can follow, or warn you for, incoming torps. And it's very acurate when you use it in active mode when it gets hot. Launched below 520 feet, and with depth setting below 520 the UUV will not generate TIW. You should try, I have always two loaded and two in stock, at least.''

Molon Labe :

''UUV's are a great idea in a lot of situations.

The main downside of the UUV is that it will often reveal your location. Below 520 feet, it doesn't generate a TIW, but it still generates a NB signal. The UUV can only go 2.5 miles, so when you find one you know the launching sub is close. For this reason, the worst way to use a UUV is when you're searching the open ocean and you just don't have any contacts yet.

The other downside of the UUV actually relates to aTMA. If you are using aTMA, and there are a lot of contacts out there, firing a UUV is the last thing you should do. Too many contacts will be reported to TMA, and your solutions will not be updated as quickly as you need them to be.

That crud out of the way, I have to say that I love UUVs. The best thing about them is they keep listening even when you're running at flank. A UUV contact + spherical/cylindrical contact is a great way to find out exactly where an ASROC or Mk50 dropped so you can react quickly. They're your best friend when it comes to maintaining situational awareness when the **** has really hit the fan.

Other benefits: Triangulation, peeking over/around terrain features, sending the other way around a large island so you don't end up chasing your opponent in circles all day...''

TLAM Strike:

''But the UUV can be the worst thing in your inventory if you don't know when to leave them on the pier. On the Kilo 95% of the time I don't carry them since...
A) They take up very scarce torpedo space.
B) They take up your even scarcer wire guide capable tubes.
C) They are quite useless in ASuW, which is what the Kilo is meant for.''

JoGary:

''Yeh for Kilo they take up a wire guided tube and u only have 2 but for all other subs they a must have. I dont know anyone who is good in Sub v Sub dives that doesnt use a uuv. Also i have to say that if the UUV is launched below the 580ft then it does not cavitate and so hears better. Alos if it not cavitating then the NB signiture is way smaller than the signiture a SW at 0 kts gives out so i dont think there is a problem with giving your position away unless you set the active sonar to go on.
But as said if there is alot of contact which there usually are in Sub v Sub games. Torps, neutrals, subs and bios. Then it takes the TMA ages to go through them all and update the position of the one you want updated. But having said this it is a must have on all subs but Kilo.

One trick i use when torps are near me is to launch another UUV and have 2 in the water. This way you can get exact positions of the torps as they move and dont need to wait for TMA updates. All u have to do is keep dropping the baring lines when they stop moving. By doing this u get new baring lines from both UUVs and where they cross is a torp. Also for firsy few min they will actually move and follow the torp so you get real time data from the baring lines. After a while they stop moving or TMA gets done on them and then u have to drop them again. But by doing this you can track torps all the way to your CMs .''

Bellman

03-20-06, 06:30 AM

RECYCLE UPDATE.

OK thats the first tranch - the selection is obviously subjective but I aim to record those posters whose
information and judgements I value and feel confident in quoting as sources of reliable information.

Bellman

03-20-06, 09:15 AM

:lol: Less a recycle than a regurgitated chuckle but worth repeating.

From SubSim.Com
Posted: Mon Feb 27 th. by Henson:

'Question for the REAL bubbleheads'

TopTorp '92 wrote:I can also recall a collision drill when I was really junior where the CO ordered an air
slug from the 3" launcher to simulate the impact. That really scared the bejesus out of me at the time.

I'll never forget our normally pretty sedate 250 lb doc FLYING out of the 3" launcher space into crews mess when
we shot one of those slugs. (I can't repeat what he yelled, but it was heard throughout the boat even if the
launch wasn't)

We forgot to tell him we were doing a torpedo evasion drill. :oops:

Bellman

03-20-06, 11:38 PM

RECYCLE 10.

From SumSim.Com.
Posted: Sat Mar 11,

*Ping* blowing your headphones up?... solution!

Palindromeria:

''Simply editing dangerouswater.ini eliminated the pain for me....
.MaxPingVolume 20

Fellow plankton take note yep''

Compiled by your Ghengis Prawn.

Bellman

03-20-06, 11:46 PM

RECYCLE 11.

From SubSim.Com
Posted: Sun Mar 05,

'Kilo weapon loadout.'

Kirk:
''Anyone know what weapons go in what tubes in the Kilo Sub. I was playing around that that sub, which is pretty cool and noticed on the tubes that some of a "P" which I remember from the other subs that means program for a waypoint. And others have a "P" and "W". Anyone help me with this? Thanks.''

TLAM Strike:
Posted: Mon Mar 06

''Tubes 1-4 are standard tubes that are loaded from the "Main Rack". These can fire anything but wireguided weapons (TEST-71s, UUVs etc)
Tubes 5 and 6 are loaded from their respective racks (#5 Rack etc) and can launch any weapon and has wire guide capablity.

The P is for the tube's Presets screen (RTE, Depth, Speed etc) the W (on 5&6) is for the Wireguide screen for that tube.

NOTE: TEST-71s should only be loaded in the Tube 5&6 racks NOT THE MAIN RACK! They cannot be loaded from the main rack to tubes 5 and 6 (SCS Really should remove them from that part of the loadout screen or make them capable of fire and forget use ) Also the PLAN TEST-71s once enabled and locked on to a target cannot be pre-enabled and redirected to another target, they can only be shutdown or pre-enabled (which just prevents the weapon from exploding).''

GunnersMate:
Posted: Mon Mar 06
''What happens if you do use them from 1-4 ?''

TLAM Strike:
Posted: Mon Mar 06
''Nothing, you can't load them in to tubes 1-4 so don't load them in the main rack.''

OKO:
Posted: Tue Mar 07,

''TLAM Strike
... SCS Really should remove them from that part of the loadout screen ...

yes, putting "---" as they did for the UUV in the TEST-71 main rack cell.

TLAM Strike

Also the PLAN TEST-71s once enabled and locked on to a target cannot be pre-enabled and redirected to another target, they can only be shutdown or pre-enabled (which just prevents the weapon from exploding).

Well, this occur only for the TEST-71 ME-NK used by the chinese improved KILO.
TEST-71 M (russians) & TEST-71 ME (chinese standard KILO) could be guided as wish once they have acquired a target.

it's strange a more sophisticated weapon could be less efficient than the older version : TEST-71 ME-NK of the improved KILO inferior to the TEST-71 ME of the older KILO.

you could test this on this mission =>
http://okof4.free.fr/fichiers/DW/TEST-71.mu ''

Bellman

03-22-06, 05:05 AM

RECYCLE 12.

Worth a revisit:

Thread at SubSim.Com.

Using Active Sonar.

http://www.subsim.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=45381&start=0&postdays=0&postorder=asc&highlight=

Bellman

03-22-06, 05:14 AM

:D Just a word of thanks to Finiteless and Blackmuzzle for their excellent Sound Mods.

My experience with the 'whale on guitar' persuaded me to invest in a new soundcard and this coupled with
my existing headphones and the Mod proved a delight.

All afternoon yesterday my 'better' ;) tried to lure me into the garden for some menial task -
I just kept murmuring 'I cant leave the whales right now !'

I think I caused some real concern........................................... ..................not for the first time !!

:-j

Bellman

03-22-06, 08:58 AM

RECYCLE 13.

From CADC.
'Setting Gamma is a must do.'

TimmyG_00:

''Back in the old Sub Command days, Killerbuds and I were testing SCX detection ranges.
The way we discovered the gamma issue was that we were each driving a Seawolf, and although
I could see his NB lines, he could not see mine!

He took a screenshot of his NB screen... and I could see my NB line in his screenshot! So I surmised that
there must be a monitor or graphics setting that was affecting his ability to see my faint lines.
This was essential for inclusion in the TACMAN.

With Sub Command, it seemed that the Gamma setting at the graphics card level did affect the graphics
of SC in full-screen mode. I think that might be a function of which graphics card you have. I haven't toyed
around much with itRe: Setting Gamma is a must do. Get Tacman from Bills - included wth the DL is a bmp file
specificaly to enable you set up your monitor to show the very faint NB tonals.''

The Bellman:
''Timmys revelation in Tacman helped me to progress in the SW.
Spotting those faint NB traces early is vital.
His NB PC monitor check remains on my desktop and the gamma adjusted settings are saved in 'Display.'
I have an old NV 200 MX dinosaur of a graphics card but will look forward to the easy switchability, reported
by Furia, when I make an imminent upgrade'' **

Zephyr:
''So.., JoGary...,
any chance you can post a 'faint contact' screen shot here so we can play with our gamma to see what works
best for us?? (hint, hint..., nudge, nudge.., wink, wink...) ''

The Bellman:
''Get Tacman from Bills ***- included wth the DL is a bmp file specificaly to enable you set up your monitor
to show the very faint NB tonals.''

Postscripts:

** Upgraded to NVidia 6100 - adjustment Just as easy -Settings/colour correction/Colour Profile/Save As

*** http://www.subguru.com/

:sunny: Incidentaly TimmyG_OOs Tacman contains an excellent guide to TMA. :|\ IMO Tacman is the
definitive guide for new bubleheads. :rock: A huge thanks to him for everything he has done for our game. :sunny: