Bracing Schplatta Kaboom (BALZ)

[Brag]

15 November 1940
On our third day of patrol, Balz announced we were crossing Tanker Alley. We did several listening dives but heard nothing.

I was napping while we ran on the surface.
"Brace of ships sighted." The shout came from the bridge. Within seconds I was off my bunk and racing up the ladder.
"Bernaard," I tried to say calmly., "what do you mean a brace?"
"A onezie twozey of ships, Herr Leutnant."
"And what do you mean by that?"
"A ship up front of the one in the back who is behind the one up front."
"Where are they?" I barked at the nonsense spouting Fahnrich.
"In the water," Herr Leutnant."
"What´s going on?" Balz climbed onto the bridge. He wore golden silk pajamas and carried his action Teddy bear under his arm. The Teddy bear wore a small tea cozy.

By this time I made out the two tankers 250 degrees about three thousand meters away.
"Gun crew on deck," Balz ordered. He then turned to me. You will schplatta kaboom the first ship first before schplatta kabooming the second ship second."
"Schplatta kaboom? I asked, confused.
"Yes," Balz answered. You aim so the round goes schplatt in the water and then kabooms against the hull."
" I think I should calibrate the gun sight before we start schplatt kabooming," Bernard suggested.
"You will hold the action Teddy bear with both hands until the ship behind the ship upfront of the ship behind has sunk. Then, you will take Action Teddy Bear below and and put it to sleep."
Bernard took the Teddy bear from Balz. "You mean you want me to snuff the nice Teddy?"

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[Jimbuna]

"Where are they?" I barked at the nonsense spouting Fahnrich.
"In the water," Herr Leutnant."


:haha:

[Weiss Pinguin]

Classic Bernard :rotfl2:

[HW3]

"You will hold the action Teddy bear with both hands until the ship behind the ship upfront of the ship behind has sunk. Then, you will take Action Teddy Bear below and and put it to sleep."
Bernard took the Teddy bear from Balz. "You mean you want me to snuff the nice Teddy?"

:eek:
:03:

[frau kaleun]

No, no, it's not like that at all.

He just means they're gonna take Action Teddy Bear out for a nice long ride in the country... to his new home at the Happy Acres Bear Farm, where he'll be much happier than in that stinky old u-boat. :shifty:

[Sailor Steve]

Nice way to shield poor Bernard from the harsh realities of life.

Happy Acres Bear Farm
Hmm. I thought that was where Balz would go after the war to visit his former subordinates. Or was that the Happy Acres Funny Farm?

[Brag]

Funny Farm?

After winning the war, Balz, his choir and twirlers will do a tour of British music halls and then Broadway-:smug:

[frau kaleun]

:hmmm:

So that's what killed vaudeville.

:O:

[Gerald]

Balz need to avoid this....not good....:hmmm:

[Weiss Pinguin]

:hmmm:

So that's what killed vaudeville.

:O:
The world was not ready for his comedic hoochie woochies :nope:

[Herr-Berbunch]

Keep 'em coming, Brag, keep 'em coming! :yeah:

[Brag]

To BDU
From your favorite sumbie
U-123

29 November 1940

Twarthed 5 tankers, tankering tankage tonnage
Frizzled 8 freighters freighting frightful freight
Total tonnage 81024.
2 bottles of champagne left.
ETA Lorient 31 November 0830. Please notice, this year, 31 November falls on 01 December
Pls alert belly dancers

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[Gerald]

Wondering what Dönitz, think about the operation :hmmm:

[Tessa]

No Beck's left onboard?!!!

[frau kaleun]

No Beck's left onboard?!!!

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[Brag]

Three hours out of Lorient, Balz gathered all officers at the dining table.
Once everyone was settled, he waved a finger at us. "This is a disgrace, it´s embarrassing, it makes it look like this boat is crewed by idiots. How could a discrepancy so big have happened? How come I belittle myself by sending a message that we sunk 85,000 tons when in reality we sunk 93,000? Huh, huh, huh?

"Cook has the answer for everything," I said.
"Cook, come here," Balz bellowed.
The cook came over wiping hands with his apron.
"How come we send wrong messages?" Balz asked.
"Moment, Herr Kaleun." Cook left and returned bringing a steaming log book. "Maybe it is because the logbook is unreadable?"
"What are you doing steaming the logbook?"
"It´s Bernard, Herr Kaleun. He wanted to cook a Spanish gourmet dinner, calamares en su tinta. The only ink we had was in the logbook.

Balz covered his ace with his hands. "How do I explain to the admiral that we cook books without having an accountant on board?"

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[Gerald]

calamares en su tinta. The only ink we had was in the logbook.......Who tasted the food?