Jokes about Jewish people

[OneToughHerring]

Why is it that Jews like to watch pornos in reverse?
They like the part when the hooker gives the money back.

Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free.

What is the favourite sport of the Jewish people?
110 meter electrified hurdles.

What is the shortest book in the world?
Jewish sport heroes.

Moses went down from the Mount:
- Jews, I have for you 2 news, good and bad. Where to begin?
- From good.
- We agreed in ten only.
- COOL!!! What is bad?
- Adultery is included.


:har:

[Tchocky]

How spontaneous

[OneToughHerring]

Huh?

[Stealth Hunter]

Moses went down from the Mount:
- Jews, I have for you 2 news, good and bad. Where to begin?
- From good.
- We agreed in ten only.
- COOL!!! What is bad?
- Adultery is included.

:har::haha::wah::haha::har::yeah::yeah:

[GoldenRivet]

Why is it that Jews like to watch pornos in reverse?
They like the part when the hooker gives the money back.



How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
5 in the car and 27 in the ashtray.

:har:


two of my personal favorites :yeah:


there are jokes about every ethnicity in the world my friend.


this is just more of your sarcastic and provocative rhetoric

[Happy Times]

I will pay your trip to take your show to Israel, you would get a warm welcome.:salute:

[OneToughHerring]

http://www.artsjournal.com/herman/archives/jewish%20cartoon%201.jpg

[GoldenRivet]

LMAO

[OneToughHerring]

A little risque, perhaps...

[image deleted because of moderator request]

[GoldenRivet]

A little risque, perhaps...

not in good humor like the parting waters one

[Schroeder]

Are there any jokes about Germans, I sure would like to hear some.:DL

*Edit*
Just remembered an old one which was already told here before I believe but I'll write it down anyway:

What is heaven?
A place where the Brits are the comedians, the Italians the cooks and Germans the mechanics.

What is hell?
A place where the Brits cook, the Germans are comedians and the Italian do the mechanical stuff.:O:

[OneToughHerring]

http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles_of_faith/Mankoff.jpg

[Tchocky]

Are there any jokes about Germans, I sure would like to hear some.:DL

German humour is no laughing matter!

[TLAM Strike]

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

[Platapus]

What could be one of the most offensive jokes there is:

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were sitting around talking.

Both of them notice some children playing outside.

The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Why don't we go out and screw some of those boys?"

The Rabbi replies, "Great, out of what?"

Yeah, I am going to hell for that one. :yep:

[Platapus]

Can't believe this list did not have the one about how Jews invented copper wire. :haha:

[OneToughHerring]

http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2003-06-05.gif

http://codorslittleblogofjewishhumor.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/aerobics_full-page_w.jpg

[TLAM Strike]

Are there any jokes about Germans, I sure would like to hear some.:DL

What's the difference between an English, a French and a German pensioner? The English one takes a Whiskey and goes fishing.The French one takes a glass of wine and goes playing Boule.The Germany one takes his cardiac drug and goes to work.

How do you make a German chocolate cake? First, you invade der kitchen.

After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.

I heard that now that Germany was reunited they were thinking about getting a new name. Odd...Germany was always keen on giving its neighbors a new name...GERMANY

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear. The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word." The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful". "What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German...

Why are there so many tree-lined streets and leafy lanes in France? Germans like to march in the shade!

[OneToughHerring]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3562/3351688050_01a9c4cd4c.jpg

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/8/23/jewishcatisre128640219579456399.jpg

[Sailor Steve]

What is the shortest book in the world?
Jewish sport heroes.
Are there any jokes about Germans, I sure would like to hear some.:DL
German humour is no laughing matter!
Y'see, I always thought the shortest book in the world was The Complete Compendium Of German Humor.

Hans: I hate that we Germans have no sense of humor.

Fritz: Sure we do! We elected Hitler dictator, didn't we?

What is heaven?
A place where the Brits are the comedians, the Italians the cooks and Germans the mechanics.

What is hell?
A place where the Brits cook, the Germans are comedians and the Italian do the mechanical stuff.:O:
The way I heard it:

Heaven: The police are all British, the chefs are all Italian, the mechanics are all German, the lovers are all French and everything is run by the Swiss.

Hell: The police are all German, the chefs are all British, the mechanics are all French, the lovers are all Swiss and everything is run by the Italians.


An American pilot is shot down over Germany. He is severely wounded, so they take him to the hospital. A week later they amputate one of his arms. He asks that it be placed in a box and returned to America. The doctors agree.

A week later they amputate his leg, and the same request is made and honored. Another week passes and his other arm goes the same route.

A week after that they take his other leg, but this time when he makes the same request they answer "Nein! Zis ve cannot do!" When he asks why, he is told "Ve sink you are trying to escape!"

[antikristuseke]

An estonian, russian and german are on a plane to throw off something that their country as too much of. The russian goes first and throws off a case ofvodka, the german then throws off a case of beer, the estonian, however, grabs the russian and chucks him off the plane.

[Skybird]

Jokes like the 27-Jews-in-the-ashtray, are poor taste, to say the least. But telling them may be telling somehing about the person telling them.

---

This is a Jewish joke, from a book with jokes from Jews about Jews.

A very wealthy Jew who owns much land and several factories, is about to die, and in his last will, he rules in his testament that his three friends, an Englishman, a German, and a Jew, should get equal shares of this property, but they have to fulfill one condition: at the funeral, each of them has to throw one million into his grave, the money to be buried with him.

At the funeral, the German comes and sinks one million in gold coins into the grave.

Next comes the Englishman. He presents a check over one million and lets it fall into the grave.

Last comes the Jew. He picks up the gold coins and the check, and leaves a bond over 3 millions.

[Platapus]

Has anyone else read: Cracking Jokes: Studies of sick humor cycles and stereotypes by Alan Dundes?

It is a sociological study of why these sort of jokes were made. A very interesting read.

The book also has many examples, some of which can't be posted on this forum.

[nikimcbee]

An estonian, russian and german are on a plane to throw off something that their country as too much of. The russian goes first and throws off a case ofvodka, the german then throws off a case of beer, the estonian, however, grabs the russian and chucks him off the plane.
:haha:

[nikimcbee]

Finnish drinking game
There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.
Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....
Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....


Famous last words of Finnish men
"Naah, we dont need no electrician here."
"We can go to my place - wife's on night shift"
"I love you Kristiina... eh, I mean Hanna..."
"In principal you shouldnt smoke so near the ammunition"
"Lets study the safety instructions later"
"The side effects of lot of alcohol is hugely exaggerated"
"I got some cheap Russian spirits to the wedding punch so the whole family can drink enough"
"Damn life save vest - not bothering to wear them"
"Look! Whats that bear cub doing alone in the forest?"
"Damn quick to drill the ice when it's this thin."

How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough Kosu (vodka) until the room starts spinning.
OR
(based on the fact that 'all' Finns are engineers) None. They fix the old one.


Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant names withheld!)
Shrimp and crap salad for two.
Grilled pork shop.
You can have crap on your pizza.
Tepid chicken salad with bread.
We give you water only when you ask.
Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.
The cock is recommending today's beef.
We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done.
The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.
Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.
Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.
Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.
Try traditional Finnish pee soup.
We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others.
Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.
This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat.
Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes.
Blini served with cream and not real caviar.
Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries.
Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry.
Meat with sweat and sour sauce.
Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream
Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls





You Know You've Been In Finland Too Long, When...
You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.
You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.
Silence is fun.
Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.
You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it's open!"
Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.
After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You accept alcohol as food.
You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.
You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed."
When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.
You've become lactose intolerant.
You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.

[Platapus]

What does a WASP wife make for dinner?


Reservations

[Platapus]

A WASP wife was asked what where her favourite sexual positions.

Her answer was, "Positions?"

[Platapus]

Just to be an equal opportunity offender...

Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

[Sailor Steve]

I originally heard this back in the '70s as a Polish joke, but I've used it for just about every state in the Union and a lot of other countries as well:

Why, according to the Bible, could Jesus not have been born in Finland?

Because if you search the whole country you won't find three wise men or any virgins.

[joegrundman]

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"

[joegrundman]

Jewish joke:

Mr. Bernstein and his wife were having lunch in the Savoy Grill.

Upon leaving a very glamourous younger lady ran up to Mr.Bernstein, kissed him on the cheek, and said "can't wait for the weekend", tweaked his behind, and ran off into a taxi.

Mrs. Bernstein looked furious.

Mr. Bernstein said, "look before you say anything, i want you to think of our six bedroom house in Hampstead. Think of our children's private education.Think of our lunches at the Savoy grill, our West End shows, shopping in the best places in London. Think of our summer trips around the world, our country cottage in North Wales, our winter skiing trips and our shopping trips to New York.

Mrs. Bernstein furious, kept silent.

Moments later, as they were getting into a taxi, they saw another man and lady get out of another car and walk arm-in-arm to the grill.

"Oh isn't that Mike Margolis?" asked Mrs. Bernstein

"Yes" answered Mr bernstein

"But that's not his wife" said Mrs Bernstein

"No" answered Mr. Bernstein

"Well", said Mrs Bernstein, "She's not as pretty as our mistress"

[Jimbuna]

Jewish joke:

I think the Bible is totally unrealistic.
I mean, a Jew giving away free fish and bread?

[Schroeder]

German Joke:

a couple in London just had a newborn boy.

The doctor, after examining the child, said that the boy was perfectly healthy, but he was german.

"what can this mean?" asked the parents, "we're both british - is there something wrong?"

"Nothing wrong with him, he's just german" said the doctor

The boy grew up perfectly fit and strong, but come age three he still hadn't spoken a word.

Then age four, still not a word

they took him to the doctor who said it's to be expected - he's german.

Age five not a word

One day at age 6, over dinner, the boy suddenly said "The soup is not up to your usual standard mother"

Shocked, the parents exclaimed "You can speak! Thank God! why didn't you say anything before?"

The boy said "Up until now everything has been satisfactory"
That one is totally unrealistic. There is no way that everything has been satisfactory for a German for five years.:O:

[frau kaleun]

That one is totally unrealistic. There is no way that everything has been satisfactory for a German for five years.:O:

:haha:

From my "uncle-in-law" Cy, after attending yet another less-than-successful organizational meeting of the local German-American society:

"I think I finally figured out how to get two Germans to agree on something."

"Really? How?"

"Shoot one of them."

[OneToughHerring]

Winners of the 2006 Holocaust cartoon - competition (http://irancartoon.com/120/holocaust/index.htm).

This is my favourite.

http://irancartoon.com/120/holocaust/011Gatto-Alessandro-Italy2-.jpg

[STEED]

First of all this is a true Jewish joke I heard many years ago off the radio so please do not be offended.

German.."We only have one bullet for the both of you."

Jew.."The Germans are losing the war, they need there bullets for the front."

[Bilge_Rat]

Did you hear about the Finn who drove to Tallinn to buy Vodka and showed up 2 days late? The first sign he saw when he landed in Estonia was "clean restrooms ahead" and he spent the next two days cleaning all the restrooms along the way.

Did you hear about the war between Finland and Sweden? The Finns were throwing dynamite sticks at the Swedes. The Swedes would pick them up, light them and throw them back.

[Bilge_Rat]

The Finn and the Genie

A drunken Finn was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The Finn, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of vodka, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a bottle that will never run out."

A bottle appears in front of the Finn. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The Finn being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the Finn, "Give me TWO more of these!"

[Bilge_Rat]

Worst Aviation Disaster

Finland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Helsinki.

Finnish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening...

[Dowly]

- My grandfather died at Auswitz.
- Really?
- Yeah, he slipped and fell out of the guard tower.

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2::yeah:

Go Dowly!

[Happy Times]

Socialist, capitalist and communist have a meeting.
The socialist is running late.

-Why were you late?

-Im very sorry, i was queuing for a sausage, the socialist explains.

- What is a queue? Asks the capitalist.

- What is a sausage? Asks the communist.

[Happy Times]

Stalin asks from Berija:

-How many Jews do we have in Soviet Union?

- 3-4 million.

-What if we let them emigrate, how many would leave?

- In that case some 15 million...

[Happy Times]

Why does Swedish police have always a male and female in the same patrol?

To prevent office romances.

Why does Russian militsiya patrols have three officers?

One can write, one can read and the third keeps an eye on these two intellectuals.

[Oberon]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A

[OneToughHerring]

Jews in space.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_jLnrUXJNM&feature=related

[Happy Times]

Comrade Stalin! What are your hobbies?

-I collect jokes told about me.

-How many have you collected?

-About three full camps.

[Happy Times]

Lahtinen and Virtanen have gone fishing. Total silence... for many hours.

Virtanes speaks:
- Raining...

Silence continues. Many hours pass.

Lahtinen leaves home and says to his wife:
- I will never go fishing again with Virtanen... talks too much.

[Jimbuna]

Comrade Stalin! What are your hobbies?

-I collect jokes told about me.

-How many have you collected?

-About three full camps.


LOL :DL

[Sailor Steve]

Jews in space.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_jLnrUXJNM&feature=related
:rock:

Can't go wrong with Mel Brooks.

[TLAM Strike]

Comrade Stalin! What are your hobbies?

-I collect jokes told about me.

-How many have you collected?

-About three full camps.

You had to open this can of worms didn't you...

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”




A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board and "red button".

As the colonel comes in, the officer snaps up and proudly reports: "Nothing to report during my watch, comrade Colonel"

"Nothing to report, you say? Nothing to report?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!!"



Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, two submarines, Soviet and American, come to the surface. The Soviet one is old and rusty; the American one is new and shiny. On the Soviet one, the crew lounges about without any order, and a drunken captain yells at them: "Who threw a valenok (traditional Russian winter footwear made of felt) on the control board? I'm asking you, who threw a valenok on the control board?!". From the American submarine, a shaved, sober and well-dressed captain, notes sarcastically: "You know, folks, in America...". The Russian captain interrupts him, screaming: "America? America??! There is none of your ****ing America anymore!" (Turns back to the crew) "Who threw a valenok onto the control board?!"



Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"


"During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border."

The KGB, the Delta Force and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. Delta goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Don't be a smart-ass," says the captain, "just point your finger!"

[Happy Times]

What does the colors in Estonian flag symbolize?
- Blue = Beautiful Finnish blue sky.
- White = Beautiful Finnish white snowdrift.
- Black= Why the hell cant Estonia be part of Finland!?!

[AVGWarhawk]

British Humor:

One day Jim went fishing with his friend. After a few nautical miles the boat was stopped and fishing commenced. Jim and his friend were at the rail fishing together and much to their surprise the fishing was superb. Fish were pulled from the water one after the other. As the day drew to a close Jim asked his friend how might they find this exact spot next time as the fishing was excellent. Upon thinking about it Jims friend said they should paint a X on the side of the boat were the fishing was excellent. Jim replied, "Putting an X on the side of the boat will not work because we might have a different boat next time."

[Bilge_Rat]

A guy in Paris saw a Pit bull attacking a toddler.

He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life.

Reporters swarmed the fellow.

"Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Parisian Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris.

"Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and
tomorrow's headline will read: 'French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's
headlines will shout: 'European Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either.

"Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?

The guy says, "I'm from Israel.

"Reporters: "OK. Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world:
'Israeli Kills Girl's Dog!'"

[Bilge_Rat]

An old Jewish man with two big bags walks into a railway station in Germany, sees a German and asks him:
"Excuse me, what do you think about Jews?"
"Oh, I like Jewish culture and I love the Jewish nation!"

The old man walks further and asks another German:
"Please, tell me, do you like Jews?"
"Of course! Their mind and talent amazes me!"

He walks further and asks a third German:
"Do you like Jews?"
"What?! I hate them all! I hate them!"

"I see you are an honest man! Please look after my luggage for me while I am in the WC."

[Jimbuna]

British Humor:

One day Jim went fishing with his friend. After a few nautical miles the boat was stopped and fishing commenced. Jim and his friend were at the rail fishing together and much to their surprise the fishing was superb. Fish were pulled from the water one after the other. As the day drew to a close Jim asked his friend how might they find this exact spot next time as the fishing was excellent. Upon thinking about it Jims friend said they should paint a X on the side of the boat were the fishing was excellent. Jim replied, "Putting an X on the side of the boat will not work because we might have a different boat next time."

Now that would have been excellent if Jim had of come from Irish stock :DL

[raymond6751]

I'm not Jewish but I'm surprised that this thread is here.

Next we'll be having white supremacist threads !

[Bilge_Rat]

A well off southern woman living near an army base in the deep American south wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she decided to invite 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls.

She calls the base and asks to speak to the general in charge. Excitedly she gets right to the point, about inviting 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls, but then adds 'Don't send any Jews!,' to which the General after a pause answers 'OK'.

The next weekend with the party getting underway there's a knock on the southern woman's door. When she opens the door there stands five big african-american Army officers.

'There must be some mistake,' she mumbles.

'No mam,' answers the captain. 'General Cohen never makes a mistake.'

[AVGWarhawk]

I'm not Jewish but I'm surprised that this thread is here.

Next we'll be having white supremacist threads !

I was as well but you know what, if you can not laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at? Call me what you want. Just do not call me late for dinner. :D

[Torvald Von Mansee]

Can't believe this list did not have the one about how Jews invented copper wire. :haha:

That only works if someone knows what a penny is.

[Bilge_Rat]

Avisitor came to Israel and saw the Western Wall. Not being too religious, he asked another tourist about the significance of the Wall.The other tourist explained, "This is a sacred wall. If you pray to it, God may hear you."

The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray:
"Dear Lord," he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land."

A commanding voice answered: "I will, my son."

The visitor said: "Bring prosperity to this land."

"I will, my son."

"Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord."

The voice answered: "You're talking to a wall!"

[Safe-Keeper]

This one is so awesome. I guess the matchstick girl is a Kurd or something:O:.

http://irancartoon.com/120/holocaust/005dost-mohammadi10.jpg

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”:rotfl2:

[Sailor Steve]

A well off southern woman living near an army base in the deep American south wanted to do something patriotic for the boys in uniform so she decided to invite 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls.

She calls the base and asks to speak to the general in charge. Excitedly she gets right to the point, about inviting 5 officers to a party to meet the local girls, but then adds 'Don't send any Jews!,' to which the General after a pause answers 'OK'.

The next weekend with the party getting underway there's a knock on the southern woman's door. When she opens the door there stands five big BLACK Army officers.

'There must be some mistake,' she mumbles.

'No mam,' answers the Black captain. 'General Cohen never makes mistakes!!!'
:rotfl2:

One of my old favorites!:yeah: I'd forgotten it, though. Thanks for reminding me!:rock:

[DarkFish]

The only advantage is that it is very easy to spot the anti-semites and right-wing nut jobs by the jokes they post. OneToughHerring obviously fits into both categories.Well yeah, it kinda surprises me that in a thread about Obama jokes OTH immediately starts talking about racism against black persons, while shortly after he starts a new thread with jokes about Jews. If jokes about black people are racism in his eyes, how then can jokes about Jews not be racism?

Personally, I think both should be allowed. As long as it stays civil, what's wrong with jokes?:)
(BTW, anyone know any jokes about Dutchmen? Been a long time since I last heard one)


anyway, back on topic:

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[GoldenRivet]

Late one night a fully loaded Cargo jet is over the ocean en route from China to LAX.

The Captain is a devout Jew.

The first officer is Chinese, and is new with the company.

This is the first night the two men had ever flown together and other than check list items over the past 2 hours they havn't spoken a single word to one another.

under the thousands of twinkling stars and the ever sprawling ocean the Chinese first officer can no longer stand the silence.

"So, Captain, why you no speak to me for this entire fright? this fright to LAX is a long fright and tings will be vewy bowing if we not going to talk to each other."

the Jew captain looks at the first officer with a stern look on his face

"I'm not talking to you because you're Chinese, i dont like you damned Chinese because you bombed pearl harbor."

the Chinese first officer is a bit taken back... he says

"Whaa!? Chinese no bomb pearl harbor thas crazy... Japanese bomb pearl harbor!"

the Jew Captain says...

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... its all the same to me."

The Chinese first officer says

"Fine! I no wanna talk to you anyway because i no like stupid Jews!... Damn Jews sink that Titanic!"

The Jew captain looks at the first officer and says

"Jews didnt sink the Titanic you dumb ass... that was an iceberg!"

The chinese first officer says

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg... its all the same to me!"

[joegrundman]

big lolz at that one gr

edit: and that one by darkfish was quite funny too

[Raptor1]

Heard this one a while ago, so I can't remember exactly how it went:

Two Russian men stand in line to recieve food in the RSFSR. After 2 hours of waiting, a Chekist comes out and shouts "No food for Jews today!". The Jews go home and the first man says to the other "See, the Jews are always treated better than us", the other man gives him a puzzled look and they continue waiting in line. After three more hours of waiting the Chekist comes out again, he shouts "No food for anyone today!"

Well, it was funnier in the original version.

[Sailor Steve]

Well, it was funnier in the original version.
I thought it was plenty funny the way you told it. I've never heard that one before.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are on a train. After awhile the cards come out, and the bet is a quarter a hand. Pretty soon the Cardinal strolls by. With prescience the cards disappear just before the door opens, but the Cardinal is still suspicious.

"Father, were you gambling?"

"No, your imminence." The priest lies, hoping he can do pennance later.

"Reverend, were you gambling?"

"No, Cardinal." The minister lies, thinking it's okay to lie to a Catholic.

"Rabbi, were you gambling?"

The rabbi looks at the other two, shrugs his shoulders and says "With who?"

[Bilge_Rat]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.
"The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be o sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

good one.

[Safe-Keeper]

Two Russian men stand in line to recieve food in the RSFSR. After 2 hours of waiting, a Chekist comes out and shouts "No food for Jews today!". The Jews go home and the first man says to the other "See, the Jews are always treated better than us", the other man gives him a puzzled look and they continue waiting in line. After three more hours of waiting the Chekist comes out again, he shouts "No food for anyone today!":rotfl2:

[OneToughHerring]

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."
"Alright," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."


Favorite movie rentals for the Chanukah holiday

Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz 'N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss

[Bilge_Rat]

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it.


What do you call a first time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty!


A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police: "Honest, I am not a suicide bomber!", he said. " I did not say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins, all I said was ' I'm dying to get laid!'".

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2::haha::har:

That last one tore the laughs out of me!:rock:

[DarkFish]

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police: "Honest, I am not a suicide bomber!", he said. " I did not say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins, all I said was ' I'm dying to get laid!'".ROFLMAO:har:

[OneToughHerring]

Fry and Zoidberg from Futurama rock out. (http://shalom.ytmnd.com/)

[Sailor Steve]

Favorite movie rentals for the Chanukah holiday

Three Men And A Bubbie
A Few Hood Mentches
The Cohenheads
The Rocky Hora Picture Show
Shalom Alone
Goyz 'N The Hood
A Gefilte Fish Called Wanda
The Wizard Of Oys
Who Framed Roger Rabbi?
Prelude To A Briss
If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

[OneToughHerring]

If you ever get the chance, check out a movie called The Hebrew Hammer. It's silly, but hilarious. A Jewish take on I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0317640/

Heard of it, haven't seen it.

Jewish! (http://jjewish.ytmnd.com/)

[UnderseaLcpl]

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

[OneToughHerring]

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

[Stealth Hunter]

Recent terrorist threats have caused the English to raise their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada, when Mother Nature saved them.

The Scottish raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels right now, and aren't likely to have any more in the future. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout and Hoot Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing with Fancy Mustaches". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides in the Middle of the Conflict".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs for the Sake of Nationalism". They have three higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor", "Elect Man with Fancy Facial Hair", and "Für das Vaterland!!!!!"

The Belgians and folks of the Netherlands, on the other hand, are all on holiday-as usual-- and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels and the levees failing, respectively. Their terror alert system anyway is based around the level of chocolate production, coupled with the status of the grain production from their windmill states.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy to combat the terrorist and Somali pirate threat simultaneously. These beautifully designed craft have glass bottoms. This way the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile-and as usual-- are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, mocking anyone who doesn't support them, and passing around bare-faced lies and threats, just in case.

MEANWHILE IN THE PACIFIC...

New Zealand has raised its security levels from "Bah" to "BAH!!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath, constructed from Kleenex boxes, tape, and rubber), they've only got one more level of escalation, which is: "Hopefully Australia Will Come and Save Us".

Australia has as a result raised its security level from "No Worries, Mate" to "She'll Be All Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey, Mate!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie This Weekend, Mate", and "Barbie's Cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of Australia's final escalation level.

Should one arise, god help us all.

[Bilge_Rat]

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/3083/israelunderrocketfire.jpg

[Platapus]

What is the difference between Catholic Priests and Pimples?

Pimples wait until you are a teenager before coming out over your face.

[Bilge_Rat]

here is one for americans:

http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/8757/gas.gif

[Platapus]

Some funny jokes here, but I refuse to post any until I see some good jokes about Americans. Sharing is caring, and all that.


Fair is fair

Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Bilge_Rat]

Fair is fair

Only In America

...
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


LoL, love that last one...:rotfl2:

[GoldenRivet]

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


my wife is terrible about this.

One day i just went out and threw a sh*t ton of it away and moved her car inside.

she may have not learned anything from Mr. Arsonist... but I did.

[TLAM Strike]

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”
The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian says, “What’s meat?”
The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”
The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”




This one is for Steve...


A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.” “Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

[AVGWarhawk]

There aren't any good jokes about Americans, that's because America is not really a country as much it is a collection of nationalities. In order to have an identity that can be made fun of there first has to be an identity.

Edit. Ok here's one.

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"


I would have to agree here OTH. There are many different nationalities each with their own set of jokes. Then it could be broken down in to certain areas of the country. Broken down further to Texans, Hillbillies, New Yorkers or Alaskans. You know, Palin seeing Russian from her porch. She says, "Shoo you Russians." That is Palin security plan for Alaska. Or in Texas....they not only support capital punishment...they have a drive through for it. :DL

[TLAM Strike]

Winter statistics

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

:rotfl2:

I can confirm that is 100% True. :haha:

Although it should say an 'icy road' and not a slippery road. :03:

[Platapus]

How about some lawyer humour?

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $18.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $150 due for a consultation.

[antikristuseke]

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She was not wearing a seat belt.

---

What was princess Dianas favorite shampoo?

Head and shoulders, after the crash hers were splatered all over the dashboard

---

When a black guy and a jew jump off the empire state building at the same time, who wins?

Society.

---

What do you call 100 lawyers up to their neck in sand?

Not ennough sand.

---

Child obesity is becoming a serious problem for pedophiles, sure they are easyer to catch, but who wants to fiddle with a fatty?

---

What is charred,black and siting at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

Edit: Some of these may have been posted allready, im too lazy to read everything here.

[OneToughHerring]

Image with the missiles

Those wouldn't happen to be the same missiles that they tried to fire into Israel recently. Unfortunately they were a little inaccurate with the aiming, or the weapon itself was, and it flew into Jordan. That's what I call pretty bad aiming if you miss the country you're aiming and hit the wrong one. :)

[Platapus]

Those wouldn't happen to be the same missiles that they tried to fire into Israel recently. Unfortunately they were a little inaccurate with the aiming, or the weapon itself was, and it flew into Jordan. That's what I call pretty bad aiming if you miss the country you're aiming and hit the wrong one. :)


I don't know but we aimed at UBL and ended up hitting Iraq. :D

[August]

Cleaning the Outhouse

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living on a hardscrabble West Virginia farm way back up in the hills.

One day Pa notices that the hole under their outhouse is full so he goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse n the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole..."

Well Pa thanks the neighbor then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse as instructed. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse, then lights them and quickly takes cover behind a nearby tree.

All of a sudden Ma bursts out of the house and runs straight into the outhouse before Pa can warn her! Seconds later BOOM!, off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. Then WHAM!, off goes the second stick of dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.

The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole..... Horrified Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Great Horny Toads, Ma, are you all right??!!" Ma smiles as she pulls up her panties and says... "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't let that fart out in the kitchen!".

[TarJak]

What could be one of the most offensive jokes there is:

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were sitting around talking.

Both of them notice some children playing outside.

The Priest says to the Rabbi, "Why don't we go out and screw some of those boys?"

The Rabbi replies, "Great, out of what?"

Yeah, I am going to hell for that one. :yep:Nah just tell 'em you are a Bhuddist and you'll get recycled.:D

[Sailor Steve]

@ OTH's edit: :rotfl2::yeah:

@ Platapus "Only in America": :har::rock:

@ TLAM Strike: :rotfl2::haha::har: Yeah, that one got me good.

[Sailor Steve]

Now I have to steal one I heard from Jimbuna.

I'm an American, and I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

[UnderseaLcpl]

I'm an American, and I'm tired of people saying America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

That'd be a lot funnier if I hadn't heard something remarkably similar in an actual conversation:cry:

---------------------------------------------------

Ok, we've had some American jokes, so now I shall unleash the arsenal of democracy against the rest of the world!:DL

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q:What's the difference between a Russian fairy tale and an English fairy tale?
A:English fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time". Russian fairy tales begin with "Soon..."

Q:Why did Comrade Stalin wear boots instead of shoes, as comrade Lenin did?
A:When Lenin was alive, the USSR was only ankle-deep in s***.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. Fu got sent back to China.

Q: Are German jokes funny?
A: Ja, ze have vays to make you laugh.

Q:Why does Undersealcpl use Q&A jokes?
A:Because T&A was not available.

[Sailor Steve]

Two Koreans are standing on a street corner in Los Angeles. The first Korean looks at his buddy and says "On chawa tai kai ontak mo no..."

The other Korean scowls at him and says "We in America now! Speak Spanish!"


World War Two:

A pilot lands on his carrier, leaps out of the cockpit and runs across the flight deck, up the ladders and into the Captain's Stateroom without knocking. He snaps to attention and almost shouts his report: "Sir! I wish to report a perfect mission! I dropped both bombs on a Jap destroyer, and both were hits! As she was sinking I went back and strafed about a hundred of the little yellow *&$#)@$% in the water! Sir!"

Slowly the Captain puts down his newspaper, smiles and says "Ah-so. Onry make-a one mistake..."

[nikimcbee]

I have taken it upon myself to supply the world with more Muslim jokes. It goes without saying that Muslims are perhaps the least humorous folk on Earth; whereas Jews have learned to laugh at themselves, even turning that laughter into a business: Vaudeville.

When I was growing up, my father never failed to tell me at least three jokes a day, most of them involving Jews and their eccentricities, customs, and travails. I'd like to continue that long tradition of Jews telling jokes, but with Muslims as the butt of the joke. You can't be civilized until you can laugh at yourself.
Perhaps in this way, someday, even radical fundamentalist Muslims may find themselves laughing. In fact, it would do my heart good to hear that a billion Muslims laughed themselves to death.
Many of these are probably in poor taste, to which I say tough camel titties.
Q: What do female Muslims use for birth control?
A: Their faces. [See photo above.]
Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse?
A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.
Q. What's the difference between an American BBQ and an Islamic BBQ?
A. In America, Humans roast animals over a fire. In Islam, it's the other way around.
Q. What do you say to a Muslim with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?
A. "Having car trouble?"
Q. What's the difference between Cindy Sheehan and a terrorist enemy?
A. I don't know either.
Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package?
A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.


A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind." The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."
Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat (http://plancksconstant.org/blog1/2006/07/osama_bin_ladens_gar.html).
Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Mathematics (http://plancksconstant.org/blog1/2006/03/muslim_inventions_nobel_prizes.html)?
Neither did I.
Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. What's toilet paper?
Q. What do Muslim men do during foreplay?
A. Tickle the goat under the chin.
Here are a few tasteless jokes even al-Qaeda can appreciate:
Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.
Did you hear about the prostitute who came out of a bar and was stoned? She didn't survive.
Did you hear about the greatest bash they ever had in Bali? Everyone was bombed. (this last one makes Bin Laden roll on the floor, piss in his robe, and kiss his goat)

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?” She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!”
Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."


Q. How did the Muslim adulteress cross the road?
A. She was dragged by her feet, kicking and screaming, then she was stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.
Q. Did you hear the one about the violent 53 year-old paedophile?
A. Yes. He is revered by one fifth of the world's population as the one who started the world's most intolerant, repressive, misogynistic and violent religion.

:O:

[nikimcbee]

http://wwwcache.wral.com/asset/golo/2009/07/30/5693089/4a71f77664d53-160x120.gifhttp://home.comcast.net/~mahousu/extras/racialtranscend(1).gifhttp://guanabee.com/thats_racist-thumb.gifhttp://stoptheinvasionoforegon.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/thats-racist.gifhttp://www.cr3static.com/data/gif/mrtlol.gifhttp://afrocityblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/thats_racist_animated1.gif

[Dowly]

LMAO @Antikristuseke :har::har::har::har:

[TarJak]

If we are going to have a crack based on religion then these guys need a run:

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.

Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.


Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.


Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.


Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.


Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."


Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I."


Q: How do I become a Lama?
A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.

Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.


Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.

Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

[TarJak]

The Indian & The Porsche

An Indian parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the Indian grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Indian starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the Indian finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Indians
are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Indian.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."

The Indian looks down in absolute horror "*******ING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."

[TarJak]

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

[UnderseaLcpl]

:rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2::rotfl2:

The first two posts were good, but the last one really made me laugh. Nicely done, Grant:up:


Now, courtesy of National Geographic, some Australian History:

Australia was founded as a British penal colony in 1771, as the worst punishment the pasty Brits could think of was sunshine and warm weather. It currently boasts a population of of roughly 20 million citizens- a remarkably high figure considering the scarcity of vaginal intercourse during those first few decades.

A hard-to-understand people, Australians are known around the world for their accents and slang, with the last word of formal English believed to have been spoken in Sydney around 1971. Common phrases include "g'day mate", which is slang for "hello, friend", "crikey", which is slang for "wow", and "pass us a tinny ya bugga", which is slang for "g'day mate".

Still, one should avoid stereotypes and sweeping generalizations when it comes to describing Australians, as they all carry large hunting knives between their teeth and wrestle dangerous reptiles for sport. :arrgh!:

[August]

Lies, Lies!

I just want to note that we Americans have been terribly misrepresented. We only drink weak, pissy-tasting beer when there isn't any 'shine handy... :D

[Happy Times]

Who is the worst golf player in history?
Adolf Hitler, he never made it out from the bunker.


Why did Hitler shoot himself?
He got the gas bill.

Hitler had behaved good in Hell and got a week long holiday on earth.
After a day he already returned.
The Devil asked:
- Why did you come back this soon?
- The world has gone mad!
The Germans are doing business and the Jews are having wars!

[Blood_splat]

Hey, I get why Muslims carry out terrorist attacks: they're promised 72 virgins when they go to heaven. What I don't understand is what's in it for those virgins; here's what they're told: "You be a good little girl, always wear a burka, always wear a veil. You cannot go to school, get a job, learn to read, vote, drive, dance, play games or listen to music. You must live a life of absolute humility and celibacy. Then when you die you will go to heaven ... where you will be raped by evil terrorists and be their sex slave for the rest of eternity."


New York 2051

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but 50 years ago, a group of Muslims destroyed the buildings."

The boy thinks for a minute and then asks his father: "Daddy, what are Muslims?"



A journalist goes to Iraq and is surprised to see that the local men allow their wives to walk in front of them. The journalist approaches a local and says, "I thought the custom in Islamic countries was for wives to walk ten paces behind their husbands?"

"It was," replied the local, "But that all changed with the war."

"How did the war change things?" The journalist enquired.

The local replied, "Land mines."

[Oberon]

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."


Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.


An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."


A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[mookiemookie]

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

:rotfl2:

[Lord_magerius]

Nothing to see here

[nikimcbee]

Australia was founded as a British penal colony in 1771, as the worst punishment the pasty Brits could think of was sunshine and warm weather. It currently boasts a population of of roughly 20 million citizens- a remarkably high figure considering the scarcity of vaginal intercourse during those first few decades.

asexual reproduction:o
...and you don't wanna know.:hmmm:

@Grant, those were a riot. The only thing funnier, is to mistake someone from South Africa from Austrialia.:haha: Done that before, and they were pretty upset by it. "I'm not from AUSTRIALIA!"

[Lord_magerius]

Sorry, looking at some of the other jokes these seemed about the same, I'll remove them if they offend you so much. I'm not here to piss anyone off or offend people but it's my taste in humour. Really sick horrible stuff that you shouldn't laugh at but do.

[antikristuseke]

That is incredibly bad taste.

I have had enough of this total anti-semitic Nazi right-wing garbage masquaraded as humour. I can't believe Neal allows this garbage to go on on his forum. It is disgusting and I am losing respect for him and his moderators. This thread should have been locked up long ago.

OneToughHerring was bad enough, although I figure he is just an immature jerk, but what is your excuse? You were raised by nazis? locked up in cellar your whole life and never had an education? Are you a loser in every other aspects of your life?

putz.

Just because I know and laugh at racist jokes does not make me a racist. Hell, even the concept of racism seems ridiculous to me, but it exists. Why not laugh at it?

[Lord_magerius]

I'm not a racist I just find offensive humour funny. If you would like to hear some knock knock jokes, I'm sure I could knock some up. :hmmm:

Edit: anyway if you want to discuss it further with me and about how much of an ass I am lets take it to PM and not derail the thread

[August]

I think it's a matter of degree. A few weak jokes are ok but they keep getting more and more viscous as the thread goes on. Somebody was bound to get pissed off eventually.

I vote for a thread lock.

[OneToughHerring]

OneToughHerring was bad enough, although I figure he is just an immature jerk,

I'm just obeying the rules of the Subsim Radioroom, if that equals being an immature jerk (which it actually might) then I'm not the only immature jerk around here.

I'll conclude with this joke.

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.
The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to place an obituary."
"Awright, how would you like it to read?"
"Irving Cohen died."
"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
"That's it."
"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
"All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."

[Sailor Steve]

@ Lord_majerius: I thought you went a little over the line too. That said, someone called you on it, you removed them and apologized. If anyone still wants to call you names I'll stand up in your defense. You seem like a good guy to me.

I'm just obeying the rules of the Subsim Radioroom, if that equals being an immature jerk (which it actually might) then I'm not the only immature jerk around here.
You're absolutely right on that last. Some of your first jokes were over the line in my book, but some of the others were within the bounds of good taste and some were downright funny.

I'll conclude with this joke.

A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section. The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?" "I'd like to place an obituary." "Awright, how would you like it to read?" "Irving Cohen died." "That's it? Irving Cohen died?" "That's it." "But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price." "All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."
And that was a good one!:rotfl2::sunny:

[Dowly]

Bilge_rat, no one forces you to read this thread.

[Oberon]

I thought at first that this thread would go downhill and be locked immediately, but it's not done that bad, and has broadened out from jokes about Jewish people to jokes about everyone. I suspect that's why the thread is still open, after all the moderators are not padlock happy and so long as things don't get completely out of hand then we'll carry on.

[Bilge_Rat]

you are right, I am out of here, carry on as you see fit.

I dont mind jokes about jewish culture, but I lost relatives in the holocaust and cannot see any humour in that.

If you guys ever want to have a serious no holds barred discussion about Israel and Middle East politics, I am game, but be warned I take no prisoners.

[Lord_magerius]

Something that's not going to land me in the sh*t :O:

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

[OneToughHerring]

You're absolutely right on that last. Some of your first jokes were over the line in my book, but some of the others were within the bounds of good taste and some were downright funny.

Well humour isn't necessarily always benign, it can be very nasty too. I don't find all jokes funny but since there seems to be 'open policy' concerning all types of jokes here, there's really no reason to sensure.

You might be a Jewish Redneck if....
1. You light your Shabbos candles from your cigarette
2. Your belt buckle is bigger than your Kippah
3. Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name
4. You have a gun rack in your Sukkah
5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher
6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law
7. You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks
9 . You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.

[Jimbuna]

I'll tell you how I see it.

You were out of order in the Bush thread and refused to heed many attempts by numerous people including one of your countrymen to see common sense and act accordingly.

You now decide to push the boundaries further as a result of what you perceived to be your peer group acting unreasonably toward you and in so doing create a thread about people of the Jewish faith....your ashtray joke (archived for posterity) is the most disgusting and revolting thing I have ever had the misfortune to see on this forum.

Much to your credit (sadly) you have managed to get many valued members of this community unwittingly involved and I am confident when some of them see how this thread has degenerated into what it has, they may well be having thoughts on the matter.

All of this is based on your twisted perception of something born out of frustration garnered from another thread and sold to the community as acceptable under the guise of 'open policy'.

I do not profess to know Neals mind but it is well seeing he is away for a few days.

It will be interesting to see if he has a viewpoint on his return.

Just my humble opinion of course, but everything is suitably archived...even the deletions.

[AVGWarhawk]

You see it very well Jim. :03:

[OneToughHerring]

I'll tell you how I see it.

You were out of order in the Bush thread

'Freudian' slip there?

and refused to heed many attempts by numerous people including one of your countrymen to see common sense and act accordingly.

You now decide to push the boundaries further as a result of what you perceived to be your peer group acting unreasonably toward you and in so doing create a thread about people of the Jewish faith....your ashtray joke (archived for posterity) is the most disgusting and revolting thing I have ever had the misfortune to see on this forum.Yes and it's so old and not funny. However I'm surprised you'd find that bad considering how you like to refer to black people as monkeys.

Much to your credit (sadly) you have managed to get many valued members of this community unwittingly involved and I am confident when some of them see how this thread has degenerated into what it has, they may well be having thoughts on the matter.

All of this is based on your twisted perception of something born out of frustration garnered from another thread and sold to the community as acceptable under the guise of 'open policy'.

I do not profess to know Neals mind but it is well seeing he is away for a few days.

It will be interesting to see if he has a viewpoint on his return.

Just my humble opinion of course, but everything is suitably archived...even the deletions.Yes I deleted one picture because NeonSamurai asked me to. Didn't really have to, I mean, free speech and all but thought I'd oblige. You see I am a nice guy and can see the other side of the issue as well.

[antikristuseke]

I think it's a matter of degree. A few weak jokes are ok but they keep getting more and more viscous as the thread goes on. Somebody was bound to get pissed off eventually.

I vote for a thread lock.

I vote for letting people get pissed off.

[heartc]

You see I am a nice guy and can see the other side of the issue as well.

You mean from inside the ash tray?
Doubt it.

P.S. That was not a joke.

[OneToughHerring]

You mean from inside the ash tray?
Doubt it.

P.S. That was not a joke.

Look who's talking, Mr Reich.

[Dowly]

However I'm surprised you'd find that bad considering how you like to refer to black people as monkeys.

Oh for crying out loud...

[Oberon]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3131/2313356652_f2b27826c4.jpg

[heartc]

Look who's talking, Mr Reich.

So?
Are you racist against German people now? You think you are somehow entitled to make jokes about the Holocaust while I am not entitled to criticize that? Tell us more about the funny things going on in your head, as THIS could actually be amusing.

[OneToughHerring]

So?
Are you racist against German people now? You think you are somehow entitled to make jokes about the Holocaust while I am not entitled to criticize that? Tell us more about the funny things going on in your head, as THIS could actually be amusing.

Huh?

[AVGWarhawk]

Huh?


There it is again...:hmmm:

[nikimcbee]

I'll tell you how I see it.

You were out of order in the Bush thread and refused to heed many attempts by numerous people including one of your countrymen to see common sense and act accordingly.

You now decide to push the boundaries further as a result of what you perceived to be your peer group acting unreasonably toward you and in so doing create a thread about people of the Jewish faith....your ashtray joke (archived for posterity) is the most disgusting and revolting thing I have ever had the misfortune to see on this forum.

Much to your credit (sadly) you have managed to get many valued members of this community unwittingly involved and I am confident when some of them see how this thread has degenerated into what it has, they may well be having thoughts on the matter.

All of this is based on your twisted perception of something born out of frustration garnered from another thread and sold to the community as acceptable under the guise of 'open policy'.

I do not profess to know Neals mind but it is well seeing he is away for a few days.

It will be interesting to see if he has a viewpoint on his return.

Just my humble opinion of course, but everything is suitably archived...even the deletions.

:oops: I feel so dirty now. I'm going to take a shower. (I know you're not talking about me, just the participation part)

[DarkFish]

Huh?huh?:hmmm:

[OneToughHerring]

nikimcbee,

Hope this helps.

"I iz Jewizh"

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3282/2998456142_883442a8eb.jpg

[UnderseaLcpl]

You now decide to push the boundaries further as a result of what you perceived to be your peer group acting unreasonably toward you and in so doing create a thread about people of the Jewish faith....your ashtray joke (archived for posterity) is the most disgusting and revolting thing I have ever had the misfortune to see on this forum.

Uh-oh. That means some of my jokes are out of line as well. I apologize for any offence, Jim. I even spelled offense with a "c" to be extra nice:DL
Seriously, though, I am very sorry if I have offended you, and I shall remove the material post-haste.

[Jimbuna]

@Jason and James

I am not attempting to aportion blame to those who became 'unwittingly' involved.

I believe it is obvious who the primary instigator is.

@Chris

Appreciated mate.

un·wit·ting

–adjective
1. inadvertent; unintentional; accidental: His insult, though unwitting, pained her.

2. not knowing; unaware; ignorant; oblivious; unconscious: an unwitting person.

[Lord_magerius]

Yeah once again I'm sorry for the stupid jokes I posted, should have used my noggin before proceeding with them :damn:. Definately my fault that the thread got derailed and turned into a slagging match as well, once again sorry for the sh**storm I stirred up here. Feel rather bad now.

[Bilge_Rat]

Yeah once again I'm sorry for the stupid jokes I posted, should have used my noggin before proceeding with them :damn:. Definately my fault that the thread got derailed and turned into a slagging match as well, once again sorry for the sh**storm I stirred up here. Feel rather bad now.


Don't sweat it man, the storm had been brewing for a long time before you inadvertendly walked into the crossfire. We have all posted stuff we regret afterwards. Let's turn the page.



A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."



this one I like.

[antikristuseke]

They are just jokes as far as I am concerned, if anyone was offended, tough ****.
People need to grow thicker skin and learn to take some flak.

[heartc]

They are just jokes as far as I am concerned, if anyone was offended, tough ****.
People need to grow thicker skin and learn to take some flak.

OK, so let's start:
You think this attitude makes you look quite tough. But unless your audience is retarded, being offensive just for the sake of being offensive will only make you look like an insecure attention whore. Maybe you need to grow up some more to understand.

[AVGWarhawk]

OK, so let's start:
You think this attitude makes you look quite tough. But unless your audience is retarded, being offensive just for the sake of being offensive will only make you look like an insecure attention whore. Maybe you need to grow up some more to understand.

heartc...you can not insult another while explaining why you are insulted/offended to begin with. The use of 'retarded' is not in best of forms in chastising someone for being offense when all the same you are offending the audience that just might be retarted but that is besides the point. :hmmm: Where was I.....:oops: Oh yes, lets use shall we say...mentally challenged. :D:O:

[antikristuseke]

OK, so let's start:
You think this attitude makes you look quite tough. But unless your audience is retarded, being offensive just for the sake of being offensive will only make you look like an insecure attention whore. Maybe you need to grow up some more to understand.

Jesus christ. This is not about being tough and I am not being offensive for its own sake, i genuinely laugh at those jokes. What people need to do is not take those things so seriously, realize that humour is one way to cope with tragedy or a way to disarm the bigot by highlighting how ridiculous their position is through laughter. Hell, my own grandmother was deported to siberia, we still laughingly refer to it as a free wilderness vacation. I have lost family in different repressions by different regimes, I crack jokes about those, if you got jokes about what ever group i fall in to, icrack those, I am a non discriminating jokester.

[OneToughHerring]

I don't mind jokes about Finns either. We are so ignored in the world stage anyway. :)

But, if anyone was offended by the more offending jokes in the start of this thread, I apologize too. I posted them to see if I could somehow define the border between good and bad humour, it is a pretty vague border sometimes especially in ethnic humour. Two wrongs don't make a right but one wrong is bad too.

antikristuseke,

and yes to an extent I am in favour of 'complete' freedom of speech and humour as a safety valve to use to laugh at the demons of racism etc. If the worlds medias would offer equal criticism and praise to everyone regardless of race and creed etc. then yes, I would be in favour of it. Until that happens attention has to be kept on things such as rights of minorities.

[TLAM Strike]

I'm 1/4 Scotch-Irish, 1/4 Ukrainian Pole, and 1/2 British, which makes me a Redneck-Polak-Limey, so about 75% of this thread is about me and I found 100% of it funny.

If we can't laugh at our selves who can we laugh at... :yep:

[DarkFish]

I don't mind jokes about Finns either. We are so ignored in the world stage anyway. :)

But, if anyone was offended by the more offending jokes in the start of this thread, I apologize too. I posted them to see if I could somehow define the border between good and bad humour, it is a pretty vague border sometimes especially in ethnic humour. Two wrongs don't make a right but one wrong is bad too.

antikristuseke,

and yes to an extent I am in favour of 'complete' freedom of speech and humour as a safety valve to use to laugh at the demons of racism etc. If the worlds medias would offer equal criticism and praise to everyone regardless of race and creed etc. then yes, I would be in favour of it. Until that happens attention has to be kept on things such as rights of minorities.finally something we agree on:DL

One thing I'd like to add, is that the definition of good or bad humor often depends on the people you're talking with. For example, with most of my friends being white and central-right, I can easily make jokes about moroccans, turks etc. (just to name the most prominent minorities in the Netherlands) and most of them would find it good humor. If I had lots of morrocan/turkish friends most of them would probably consider it bad humor.

I guess with so many different nationalities/races/whatever here on subsim, one has to be extra careful not to offend somebody.
(that said, it's very hard to offend absolutely nobody in this world if you make jokes about these things, but I'd say, keep it to a respectable level - e.g. when talking about jews don't make jokes about the holocaust:salute:)

[Happy Times]

you are right, I am out of here, carry on as you see fit.

I dont mind jokes about jewish culture, but I lost relatives in the holocaust and cannot see any humour in that.

If you guys ever want to have a serious no holds barred discussion about Israel and Middle East politics, I am game, but be warned I take no prisoners.

As a strong friend of Israel im sorry if my postings have offended you, not intended.:oops:

[Bilge_Rat]

As a strong friend of Israel im sorry if my postings have offended you, not intended.:oops:


nothing wrong with your jokes, HT. Let's not go to the other pc extreme. :ping:

[August]

I'm innocent of these charges your Honor.

All I posted was a fart joke. though it was admittedly disrespectful of my fellow Americans from the great state of West Virginia. Of course none of them can actually read, so it no harm no foul unless one of you bigmouths drops a dime on me... :-?

[Ducimus]

Subsim is staying classy i see.

[Rockin Robbins]

Utterly tastless. The thread should be removed and the original poster banned. Complaint registered.

Hey, as far as contributions to mankind, I challenge any single group of humans to contribute as much as the Jewish people have:
Jewish Nobel Prize Winners
From a pool of 12 million Jews which are 0.2% of the World's Population (2 out of every 1,000 people)

Literature

1910 - Paul Heyse

1927 - Henri Bergson

1958 - Boris Pasternak

1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon

1966 - Nelly Sachs

1976 - Saul Bellow

1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer

1981 - Elias Canetti

1987 - Joseph Brodsky

1991 - Nadine Gordimer

2002 - Imre Kertesz

World Peace

1911 - Alfred Fried

1911 - Tobias Asser

1968 - Rene Cassin

1973 - Henry Kissinger

1978 - Menachem Begin

1986 - Elie Wiesel

1994 - Shimon Peres

1994 - Yitzhak Rabin

1995 - Joseph Rotblat

Chemistry

1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer

1906 - Henri Moissan

1910 - Otto Wallach

1915 - Richard Willstaetter

1918 - Fritz Haber

1943 - George Charles de Hevesy

1961 - Melvin Calvin

1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz

1972 - William Howard Stein

1972 - C.B. Anfinsen

1977 - Ilya Prigogine

1979 - Herbert Charles Brown

1980 - Paul Berg

1980 - Walter Gilbert

1981 - Ronald Hoffmann

1982 - Aaron Klug

1985 - Herbert A. Hauptman

1985 - Jerome Karle

1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach

1988 - Robert Huber

1989 - Sidney Altman

1992 - Rudolph Marcus

1998 - Walter Kohn

2000 - Alan J. Heeger

2004 - Irwin Rose

2004 - Avram Hershko

2004 - Aaron Ciechanover

Economics

1970 - Paul Anthony Samuelson

1971 - Simon Kuznets

1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow

1973 - Wassily Leontief

1975 - Leonid Kantorovich

1976 - Milton Friedman

1978 - Herbert A. Simon

1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein

1985 - Franco Modigliani

1987 - Robert M. Solow

1990 - Harry Markowitz

1990 - Merton Miller

1992 - Gary Becker

1993 - Rober Fogel

1994 - John Harsanyi

1994 - Reinhard Selten

1997 - Robert Merton

1997 - Myron Scholes

2001 - George Akerlof

2001 - Joseph Stiglitz

2002 - Daniel Kahneman

2005 - Robert (Israel) Aumann

Medicine

1908 - Elie Metchnikoff

1908 - Paul Erlich

1914 - Robert Barany

1922 - Otto Meyerhof

1930 - Karl Landsteiner

1931 - Otto Warburg

1936 - Otto Loewi

1944 - Joseph Erlanger

1944 - Herbert Spencer Gasser

1945 - Ernst Boris Chain

1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller

1950 - Tadeus Reichstein

1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman

1953 - Hans Krebs

1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann

1958 - Joshua Lederberg

1959 - Arthur Kornberg

1964 - Konrad Bloch

1965 - Francois Jacob

1965 - Andre Lwoff

1967 - George Wald

1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg

1969 - Salvador Luria

1970 - Julius Axelrod

1970 - Sir Bernard Katz

1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman

1975 - David Baltimore

1975 - Howard Martin Temin

1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg

1977 - Rosalyn Sussman Yalow

1977 - Andrew V. Schally

1978 - Daniel Nathans

1980 - Baruj Benacerraf

1984 - Cesar Milstein

1985 - Michael Stuart Brown

1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein

1986 - Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini]

1988 - Gertrude Elion

1989 - Harold Varmus

1991 - Erwin Neher

1991 - Bert Sakmann

1993 - Richard J. Roberts

1993 - Phillip Sharp

1994 - Alfred Gilman

1994 - Martin Rodbell

1995 - Edward B. Lewis

1997 - Stanley B. Prusiner

1998 - Robert F. Furchgott

2000 - Eric R. Kandel

2002 - Sydney Brenner

2002 - Robert H. Horvitz

Physics

1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson

1908 - Gabriel Lippmann

1921 - Albert Einstein

1922 - Niels Bohr

1925 - James Franck

1925 - Gustav Hertz

1943 - Gustav Stern

1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi

1945 - Wolfgang Pauli

1952 - Felix Bloch

1954 - Max Born

1958 - Igor Tamm

1958 - Il'ja Mikhailovich

1958 - Igor Yevgenyevich

1959 - Emilio Segre

1960 - Donald A. Glaser

1961 - Robert Hofstadter

1962 - Lev Davidovich Landau

1963 - Eugene P. Wigner

1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman

1965 - Julian Schwinger

1967 - Hans Albrecht Bethe

1969 - Murray Gell-Mann

1971 - Dennis Gabor

1972 - Leon N. Cooper

1973 - Brian David Josephson

1975 - Benjamin Mottleson

1976 - Burton Richter

1978 - Arno Allan Penzias

1978 - Peter L Kapitza

1979 - Stephen Weinberg

1979 - Sheldon Glashow

1988 - Leon Lederman

1988 - Melvin Schwartz

1988 - Jack Steinberger

1990 - Jerome Friedman

1992 - Georges Charpak

1995 - Martin Perl

1995 - Frederick Reines

1996 - David M. Lee

1996 - Douglas D. Osheroff

1997 - Claude Cohen-Tannoudji

2000 - Zhores I. Alferov

2003 - Vitaly Ginsburg

2003 - Alexei AbrikosovYOUR life is better because they exist, be you American, German, French, Russian, African, Egyptian or Syrian. Making jokes about running porno movies backwoards to see the hooker give the money back reveals much more about you than it does about them. No people group in the world has contributed as much to the welfare and happiness of mankind as a whole as the Jews.

[DarkFish]

Utterly tastless. The thread should be removed and the original poster banned. Complaint registered.I don't know. If you remove this thread, you should also remove the Obama Jokes thread (http://subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?t=169112), cause it might hurt fans of his. You could also close [enter random joke thread] because some of the jokes in it might offend someone. Any joke with a nationality/race/belief/whatever in it has the potential to be found offensive.

That said, some of the jokes in this thread were clearly over the line. I think however this has to be taken up with the persons who made these jokes. Maybe delete one or two posts, but not close the whole thread.

Just my 2 cents:up:

[OneToughHerring]

Hey, as far as contributions to mankind, I challenge any single group of humans to contribute as much as the Jewish people have:

I think the Swedes have done quite ok in the Nobel-front, considering that there is even less of them. That is if you think there is absolutely nothing political about the awarding of the Nobel prices.

And to think of a certain religion as one 'people' is a bit wrong, IMO. You might as well think of mormons or scientologists as one 'people'.

But as a general rule, if something isn't pretty soon removed from Subsim Radioroom, it's actually 'kosher'. :)

[XabbaRus]

OK,

I have decided to close the thread for the time being until Neal gets back and see what he says.