Techarin's if Silent Hunter 5 was the real deal

[Kuniworth]

copied from UBI's forum...


Just a sec .... *alt tab* "Syncing Savegames with Server" .... *alt tab*

I got a few minutes and started thinking, what if real life had been like SH5?

*blur wipe to captain sitting at his station*

Capt. Log March 14th 1941 point 3,

My new crew and I are on our first patrol together. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion. I have to remember not to hit the bottle so hard; though I couldn't help it this time. Last night I boarded the ship to find my XO is a cyclopes and has the admirals fist secured squarely up his... well, I guess the admiral hasn't heard of strings. The XO began by introducing me to the crew starting with "Sound Guy" and "Radio Guy." I asked why they didn't have more inventive nicknames only to hear these were their "official" titles. Apparently the BDU is letting Kindergarten into the office again. We moved on with the tour of the boat. It might have been the hangover but I could swear my footsteps were at least 25Db louder than usual. The ship however seemed to be in good shape though.

Half way through the tour, the WO yelled "Task force spotted!"

I sounded battle stations. "Bearing to targets?" I inquired.

"Task force spotted!" the WO repeated.
"Yes, I understand that. Give me the bearing!"
"Task force spotted!"

Astounded by the incompetence of the WO I quickly made my way to the watch tower and got out my binoculars. There was a group of 5 unescorted merchant ships to the starboard.

"Ahead flank! Right 10deg. rudder!" I ordered.

"Aye sir! Extreme speed head! Right 1deg!" the XO replied.

"XO! I said Flank and 10deg rudder!"
"Sir, Extreme speed is the new flank and I only know how to go 1 deg and 35 deg to either side?"

I paused for a moment. "Alrighty then, Extreme speed ahead and 35deg starboard."

"Range to target?" There was no reply. "Range to target!?" There was no reply. "Nav. Officer! Range to target?" I shouted. Again, no reply. The Nav. officer merely stared back at me. Christ, I thought to myself. I pulled out the map and calculated the range: 2500m. Why didn't the watch see them sooner... whatever

"WO, man the deck gun."

"MAN THE DECK GUN," the WO bellowed.

I ordered the deck gun crew to fire on the closest ships. After a few solid hits it began to sink. My first kill!

Without orders the deck gun crew began to fire on a 2nd merchant. "Whoa!" I shouted. "WO, secure the deck gun."

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

"No, secure it!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN

"Sailor! I order you to cease fire!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

"Christ! Nav officer, prepare to dive. What's our depth under keel!"

The Nav Officer again just stared at me. "Hello?" I said over the com. "Ah, forget it. Dive! All hands below, Secure the deck gun! Dive!"

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

Yeah, you stay here and take care of that

I started below, the hatch closing behind me. Realizing the watch crew was still on deck, I poked my head down from the con to order a halt to the dive. Immediately I noticed the entire watch crew already below deck. I could have sworn I was the first one down but I didn't have time to think about that.

"Periscope depth, ahead standard, rudder amidships."

"Aye sir! Half speed ahead."

"No no... standard, ahead standard."

"Yes sir, half speed is the new standard."

Seriously? Could BDU have really let that many 5 year olds in. "Ok then, half speed ahead! Up periscope."

I peered through the scope eying the burning wreckage of the first ship and the other ships making a futile attempt to escape. The crew was quiet, except for the muttering of the WO who was whispering to himself, "man the deck gun... we have to man the deck gun."

Next time I see the admiral I'll have to remember to thank him for the wonderful crew

We were within 1000m now so I began calculations for firing torpedos. "XO, where are the TDC controls?"

"Sir?"

"The TDC damnit! The thing you use to aim the torpedos!!"

"Oh sir, now we look at the map. You see this #2, when it is on top of this other #2 you order me to fire."

...
...
...

Yep, BDU had definitely been invaded by Kindergarten.

As the numbers came closer and closer together tension began to build. This kill would end our patrol and I could return to base an ACE. Finally the moment of glory... "FIRE!!"

"Aye sir! Torpedos away!"

I watched eagerly, my stopwatch ticking the seconds until history would record my name. Suddenly, without warning or explanation the target vanished!

"What happened! 'Sound Guy' report all contacts!"

"Sir?"

"Oh never mind, surface!"

I ran to the watch tower and looked everywhere; my target was no where to be found. "XO, where'd they go."

"Where'd what go sir?"

"My target!"

"What target sir... oh, and by the way, your torpedos missed... arrrr"

I went below. I went to my cabin.

This was not the navy I once new. Command has been overrun by 5 year olds. My crew has obviously never had any training. Nothing works like it's supposed to. And not that it matters since the Allies have invented some type of teleportation technology. As I began hitting my head against the bulk head, I heard it.

I heard it... echoing down the con... throughout the entire ship... The sound that will drive me to the brink of insanity... The personification of all that is wrong with the world... the epitome of all incompetence...

"MAN THE DECK GUN"

[alexradu89]

If SH5 would have been the real deal, the war would have indeed ended in '43. :arrgh!:

[SubV]

Kuniworth, this is priceless.

:rotfl2:

[Safe-Keeper]

God, how I hate the 1-2-3 system. What if I'm firing at a target more than one kilometer away? Why give my torpedoes a range of 12 kilometres when I can only accurately fire at ships that are right under my nose:damn:?

Look, I appreciate that they're trying to make the easiest setting more challenging, but seriously, either let the numbers go higher or just add an SHIII-style option to let me just point at a target and let the weapon officer take care of the rest.

[SubV]

God, how I hate the 1-2-3 system. What if I'm firing at a target more than one kilometer away? Why give my torpedoes a range of 12 kilometres when I can only accurately fire at ships that are right under my nose:damn:?

Look at this (http://www.subsim.com/radioroom/showthread.php?p=1316406#post1316406).

[SteamWake]

His first post and nailed it spot on !

I just have one thing to say...

MAN THE DECK GUN ! :up:

[molotof]

Capt. Log March 14th 1941 point 3, and teleport technology, we are in Star Trek right ?? :arrgh!:
Man on the Deck Gun = Epic Fail = Nervous break down

but (thx to the mod community) deck gun is fixed, i can hear cease fire, and that's a cure :rotfl2:

[Nippelspanner]

Epic! :rotfl2:

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl2: Brilliant! :rock:

And WELCOME ABOARD!:sunny:

[SteamWake]

and teleport technology, we are in Star Trek right ?? :arrgh!:
Man on the Deck Gun = Epic Fail = Nervous break down

but (thx to the mod community) deck gun is fixed, i can hear cease fire, and that's a cure :rotfl2:

Its still a little screwy even with mighty fine crew mod installed.

Try this... look at a ship through the binocs, tap the space bar and POOF the deck gun crew appears at the gun and starts firing... Then talk to the WO the command "Man the deck gun" is still there. Select that and he shouts out the order and they continue to fire.

Now you can select the WO and "unman the deck gun" (however its phrased) is now available. Select that and he shouts out the order... and they continue to fire :doh: Even when they do stop firing they will not leave the damn gun. Only way to get them off is to dive. :rotfl2:

[Nippelspanner]

This should be continued. Seriously... this is awesome!

We demand more! MORE! :stare:

[Bilge_Rat]

beauty! :up:

[7Infanterie19]

Cost of SH5 (new) at Amazon: $48.48

Cost of SH5 (used) at Amazon: $43.07

Cost of SH community's time to make SH5 playable: 2 years

Kuniworth's post: priceless

:yeah:

[Commie]

Double plus good!

[Kuniworth]

Hooverhead posted some interesting things too:


First of all I can't play for 2 days because this drm.

THen uboat is impossible to figure out how to manage. No manual, no useful commands, nothing. Me and my crew just looks on each other like it is some kind of circle jerk.

And you finally manage to move this son of an *** uboat at last you have to talk to that stinking disgusting cook and his special ability. Cook better food? Well not exactly my first priority I have to decide if I should kill the pirate dude or finding ways to man the ****ing deck gun. Can crew die btw or do you have drag along that moronic pirate and his *** buddies for the whole war? Where is the realism in that? Do they never speak of anything different? Just Bismarck It's like I'm not aboard an uboat but an asylum, we all are loonies trapped in a madhouse from hell.

So after 2 more days of downloading patch 1 and completing this completly stupid introduction(so0 Im captain of this moronic crowd gee thanks) it's off to sea. Can't figure anything out. Pirate stands like an drunken ***, no sonar from mr sound guy, laggy as hell, no one aboard this sorry ship heading for disaster have a clue(would be bye bye if not for the incompetent enemy that wont chase me except one stalker day and night). I think some dudes were trapped on deck when we submerged btw.

Anyway, finally our floating zoo stumbles into this troop transport. Notice something is wrong(besides everything else)the torps moves in 100 knots and the freighter flies away into the air and disappear!! Eh hm ok. Yeah you heard me ship just took off and flies away. Flying dutchman??? Buggy game? Well apperently only I reacted of the loonies aboard. Maybe I was hallucinating after 10 beers to cope with this nightmare of a game.

Silent hunter 3 had almost everything right or within sight. But no you just could'nt follow it up. You had to get the pirate in, you just had to make it some fantasy arcade shoot em up moronic crap.

Please save us from this nightmare. I just wanna smash screen when the pirate says he wants respect. Hell no boy, it's judgement day for you crazt *** motha****er.

Finally some chap sunk us and put us all out of misery. Thank god. I think everyone aboard felt happy the tragic saga had come to an end.

[janh]

Awesome!! More, need more! How about taking images from the Humorous Pictures thread and adding a storyline? This is better than the Onion.com!


Silent hunter 3 had almost everything right or within sight. But no you just could'nt follow it up. You had to get the pirate in, you just had to make it some fantasy arcade shoot em up moronic crap.


If it's broken and you touch it, you can't break it anymore. But if it is fine, and you fiddle with it, what are the chances that you'll actually improve it?

[Commie]

Kuniworth, you're f-ing hilarious. I'll pay you to keep playing this game and providing us with these 'diaries'!

[Iron Budokan]

Extreme speed ahead! :yeah:

[Juliano]

I can´t recall LOLing so hard reading something

[Scoochy]

VERY bored at work today, so I though I would throw one of these together as well. It's actually kinda fun and makes you think about how it would really look, in real life.

So here's my tale......

Captain’s Personal Log – Day 1
Today I take command of my first U-Boat. Coincidently, my friend from Officer School took command of his first just last week. He sent me a telegraph telling me of the interesting first tour he had and some of the antics the crew played on him. I’m guessing it is some sort of hazing ritual, one eyed XO costume, Watch Officer repeating the same order over and over….I can only hope my tour is as enjoyable as his was.
It is late at night now, and I need to get my rest, starting early tomorrow morning.
Captains Personal Log – Day 2
I woke up this morning, already dressed and in the Sub Pen, almost as if I had never left. The same people standing in the same place, doing the same thing. Maybe it’s the sea air…creepy none the less though.
I walked down the pen, looking for a brow or gangway to board the sub, but I couldn’t find one. Seems that the crew boarded the sub and removed the brow without realizing they forgot the captain. Speaking of the crew, they appear to be pretty anxious to get underway as there is already a tower watch looking at the horizon through some binoc’s ever so vigilantly.
Right about now I am curious as to how I am supposed to board my sub. I walk down a little ways and notice my finger has turned a strange shade of brown when looking at a certain individual and I decide to speak to him. I ask this gentleman for orders as a last resort, and I hit pay dirt. He quickly whips out a map in the middle of the sub pen with a bunch of arrows on it and begins a nice dramatic story of how our sea power leaves something to desire.
I catch myself nodding off, when suddenly the map displays options. “What’s this?” I said. “Am I able to choose what I want to do?” I think to myself. I move my finger to one of the choices, Eastern Coastal shipping.
I must have dozed off. The crew, anxious to get underway has apparently moved me to the conning tower as this is where I woke up. Not wanting to appear like I didn’t know what I was doing, I immediately ordered “Ahead 1!”
I quickly noticed that I was unable to recall how to order a course or direction. For the life of me, it wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Finally I told the navigator to change course to where my eyes were pointing. It was a little absurd, but it got the job done. We agreed that my command for course changes would only come in the form of plotting new waypoints on the chart, or by saying “Change course to where my eyes are pointing!”
We were moving forward, leaving the safety of the pen behind, heading out into the open ocean. My orders were vague, which worried me a little. But at the same time, I was given a bit of freedom, even on my first voyage. This underway time was to accomplish the task of sinking 50,000 tons of shipping off the coast of Britain. On my chart, an icon was located off the coast of Britain. I wasn’t really sure what it meant though. Is Command trying to tell me to patrol a certain grid Point? Am I supposed to circle this point? My orders were titled “Sink ships off the British East Coast, and there was a crescent line indicating the coast so was I supposed to stay within that line? I was too afraid to ask Command for clarification, so I just went with it.
We were clear of the sub pen now and I asked the Navigator to bring me the chart so I could see the course he had plotted to get us out of the bay. I opened the chart, only to find it blank. Surely my Navigator didn’t expect me to play a course through Kiel. This is something he has most likely done before. It’s a long and tedious trip, with lots of turn points, surely he has a “Ready Chart” with this already plotted.
Nope.
I order “All Stop!” Right there smack in the middle of the harbor. This is absurd. I rip a pencil out of the pocket of my “Navigator” and place our first waypoint on the chart.
“New course! Five Zero!” He yells out, nearly making me crap my pants. I place our next waypoint on the chart.
“New course! Five Five!”
“Dubya Tee Ef Navigator! What the hell are you doing?!” I yell out. “Do not call out each point as you may realize we are looking at probably 30 waypoints to get out of this harbor!” I can only hope he heard me.
“New Course! Two Seven!”
At this point, I give up. Maybe it’s a feeling of inadequacy. Perhaps he is trying to make up for the fact that he did not prepare the charts for this underway. I continue to plot out our course, cringing as the Navigator calls out each point.
The chart is complete and the course is plotted all the way to our AoR. “Ahead 3!”
It’s been a long day already, so I decide to take a quick nap in my cabin. Times passes by quickly until I’m suddenly awoken.
“Shallow Water, Sir!”
I wipe the sleep out of my eye. Why is he telling me about shallow water? We are in a harbor, surfaced, of course there is shallow water. I quickly doze off again.
“Smoke Spotted, Sir!”
My Watch Officer seems to be an over achiever.
“Shallow Water, Sir!”
“For the love of, I know! Knock it off!” I reach deep down inside my subconscious and push a theoretical button to tune out my Watch Officer. It’s much quieter and I doze back off.
I must have been exhausted as I woke up about 9 hours later as we were exiting the channel. Looks like my Navigator is able to hold his own and the ever so vigilant Watch Officer kept us safe. I can only hope that the relieving officers are just as capable. I move into the command room only to see the same Navigator.
“Why don’t you hit the rack for a while, let your relief take over and the 2 of you rotate.” He looked at me as if I were speaking English. Apparently, he was the only Navigator. I asked about the rest of the crew and it was the same for the whole boat. There was only one person on board who could do the job. I know we had a small Navy, but this was madness.
I decided to talk to the XO and find out if there was a way to get our boys some rest. I tapped him on the shoulder, and when he turned around I almost split my side laughing.
“You have the same costume!” I said laughing, my eyes watering up. “My friend just took command of a U-boat and his XO had the same eye patch! Where’s your parrot! Where’s your wooden leg!” He looked at me, not saying a word, not even grinning. Tough guy, he’s someone who doesn’t even laugh at his own joke.
Then I realized, this is no joke and he really is like this. I thought the stories when I was a kid were based on stereotypes and such. But they really do exist. One eyed, eye patch XO.
I felt terrible. But was still chuckling to myself, thinking about the “Hook Hand” jokes in my head. I decided I should leave him alone for a bit and decided to head up the tower. That’s when he got his chuckles in.
“What wrong captain! Never us e a ladder before?!” He was right. For some reason, I couldn’t walk up the ladder. No matter how hard I looked at it and walked, I just couldn’t go up. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I was able to operate this ladder, only to find I had to do it again. It was quite embarrassing........



Work is picking, gotta end it here.

[tomoose]

Excellent narratives. An entertaining way of indicating how much this game sucks. I'm soooooo glad I didn't buy this turkey yet. LMAO.:yeah:

[Sailor Steve]

Couldn't walk up the ladder...couldn't walk up the ladder...

Sounds less like a "what if it were real life" and more like a bad nightmare. Maybe you didn't wake up at all.:zzz:

Good story, though.:sunny:

[guynoir]

I think Kuniworth left out the end of Techarin's story though:


This was not the navy I once new. Command has been overrun by 5 year olds. My crew has obviously never had any training. Nothing works like it's supposed to. And not that it matters since the Allies have invented some type of teleportation technology. As I began hitting my head against the bulk head, I heard it.

I heard it... echoing down the con... throughout the entire ship... The sound that will drive me to the brink of insanity... The personification of all that is wrong with the world... the epitome of all incompetence...

"MAN THE DECK GU-

*Connection to server has been lost*

:O:

[robbo180265]

:rotfl2::rotfl2: Awesome stuff!

[Noren]

As they say: flaws give character!

Better said:bugs are sometimes hilarious, when we are'nt crying about them.

I had a goood laugh in this thread, this and the humour pictures!

[Scoochy]

VERY slow day at work, thought I would finish this off.

Thankfully I finally managed to float up the set of ladders to the Conning Tower. It was quite a tight fit up there with my Watch Officer hogging the UZO.
This was to be quite the long voyage, so I decided to strike up a conversation with the WO. I haven’t even known the man for 20 minutes and he starts bickering about his wife! It was a quick conversation, one liner, and we were done. He seemed to have liked that I was asking about his personal life and his morale seems to have improved ever so slightly. What a strange man.
The sun was starting to set, and I was getting a bit bored. I decided to hit the rack and take another nap.

Captains Personal Log Day 3
It has been 24 hours since we have left Kiel, and the crew has yet to sleep. I walk through the sub, trying not to get lost in the single fore to aft hallway I was allowed to walk in. I noticed a sailor who has been in his rack all day. I have never actually seen him sleep, but he doesn’t leave his rack either. I am a little concerned, and he is already starting to smell a little weird.
I have also noticed that my Gunner like to hang out in the engine room. I’m wondering if maybe he picked the wrong rate. I should talk to him and see if his heart is really in gunnery, or if he wishes he were the Motor Guy, vice the Gunner Guy.
The ship seems to be in fantastic shape. We took her down around 70 meters and there wasn’t even so much as a whimper. It’s as if it's made out of rubber, or some sort of Super Steel. But for how nice this boat looks, how clean it is, there seems to be a lot of equipment that doesn’t work. Gauges, dials, knobs and switches, they don’t work. My poor Sound Guy is stuck listening to the hydrophone when surfaced at full volume. My Radio Guy keeps playing with the switches on the RADAR Panel that doesn’t have RADAR attached to it. Perhaps their old Captain was a blow hard and they can’t break out of their old habits.
“SHIP SPOTTED!”
Holy Crap! Time to rock and roll! I scurry over to the ladder, ignoring the XO’s laughing as I once again attempt to climb up. Several tries later, I’m finally outside working my way around the WO to get to the UZO. Looking in the area that the contact was reported, I see….nothing. Maybe the UZO is broke; I switch to my bino’s.
Nothing.
I can’t see any ship, of any kind. As I move across the horizon, I hear my WO scream out “Lock!” I scan back across “Lock!”
Lock what? I see nothing. Crazy fool, time to head back inside.
Captain’s personal Log Day 3 Supplemental
U-17…U-15….Whichever boat I’m on, has arrived at the Patrol area. My Navigator has noted that we may want to plot a search pattern to which I respond “No You! You’re the flippin’ Navigator!” There was no reaction so I slumped over the chart table and began plotting my search pattern.
“Course Seven-Zero!” The Navigator screams, and continues to scream for each point I plot.
With the search area laid out, we continue underway. I decide to report to BDU whatever it is that I report. This will actually be my first report, kinda surprised that BDU isn’t more interested in where there submarine is. This BDU report goes out and is immediately replied to.
“Maintain Radio Silence for 2 hours.”
Wish that worked for the wife. Sounds like BDU just doesn’t care what I’m doing out here.
Captains Log Day 4
“Aircraft Spotted!”
I jumped out of my rack from another time consuming snooze. “Periscope Depth!”
The submarine immediately makes noise. I was expecting the crew to move quickly into position but there was nothing. I guess the efficiency of this crew means that they are always on station, prepared for anything. Either way, the sub eventually begins to descend.
I asked the WO, who reported the aircraft, from where they were coming and how far out. He looked at me like I wanted the Depth under Keel, deer in headlights. How can this guy report aircraft and have no information on it? Say something like “Aircraft, far, left to right!” I have no idea how long I should stay submerged.
I take another nap, for about an hour.
“Surface the Boat!” I yell as I walk into the command room, to the same watch team that’s been there since we left Kiel. No one seems to have acknowledged me or made any effort to actually surface the boat, but the boat moves towards the surface none the less.
Thankfully I haven’t needed to change course from what I have plotted on the chart. At some point between my earlier voyages in the Atlantic and now, I seem to have forgotten how to order the boat to continue on course. This ship continues on the pre-plotted search pattern at 13 knots, also known as “3”. For some reason in these new boats, they have removed all RPM indications.
We cruise along the surface for several more hours before I decide it’s time for another nap. As I doze off, I ponder the book I’m writing about a submarine captain that wants to take his new sub and give it to his enemies in exchange for freedom and a place in Montana. I’ve written a great deal and even have a bit of action in it, but after doing this for real, I am thinking of scrapping it. Instead, I may write a little comedy movie script. I’ll title it off of my psychic power that I have. Whenever I need the Observation Scope, all I do is think about it going up or down, and magically, it does. I will title my comedy “Down Periscope”. It’ll be great.
Captain’s Personal Log Day 5
I had a quick, out of body experience. So strange, my crew and I were getting along fine, then all the sudden, they don’t do what I say. Seems like moral has dropped off a cliff too. The cook I have onboard has special Pokémon type powers where he can instantly make people happier, but even that has no effect. I’m really worried, so I decide to take another nap and try the out of body experience again to try and the right this Twilight Zone I have entered.
Captain’s Log Day One
Tomorrow is a big day; I take command of my first U-Boat. My friend had just taken command of……what the, I’ve already done this! How did I get back here?! Last I recall I was in the middle of the Atlantic taking naps! Son of a…..! I didn’t even get to engage a ship! Not even fire a torpedo, deck gun, NOTHING! I just wasted all that time, and have to do it all over again because, what, I can’t stay in my body for days on end?! Frick! Hopefully my Navigator plotted that course through Kiel, saved it or something.
FRICK! Nothing! This is crap!

[conus00]

That was HILLARIOUS, mate! :har::har::har:

Welcome aboard.

[JScones]

Funny stuff, guys.:yeah:

[Herman]

Captain’s Log Day One
Tomorrow is a big day; I take command of my first U-Boat. My friend had just taken command of……what the, I’ve already done this! How did I get back here?! Last I recall I was in the middle of the Atlantic taking naps! Son of a…..! I didn’t even get to engage a ship! Not even fire a torpedo, deck gun, NOTHING! I just wasted all that time, and have to do it all over again because, what, I can’t stay in my body for days on end?! Frick! Hopefully my Navigator plotted that course through Kiel, saved it or something.

FRICK! Nothing! This is crap!

Maybe the game should have been named "Groundhog Day"?

[MeMpHiSGT]

:har::har::har::har:

What an EPIC opening story! I ROFLMAO for real on this!

Aaaaahhhh... now i need to go and get the doc fix the cracks in my face of laughing so hard :damn:

[kiwi_2005]

:har::har:

:yeah:

[Brag]

Kuniworth
Hilarious :har:

[Takeda Shingen]

Perhaps he will return one day and read your comments.

[Sailor Steve]

Perhaps he will return one day and read your comments.
Very true, he joined up just to post that and hasn't been back in well over a year.