Men are just happier

[AVGWarhawk]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE



NICKNAMES



If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS


A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Rilder]

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.




Damn dwarves, bloody bastards keep trying to build an Obisidan farm in the basement and a Lava Moat around the house. :nope:





:rotfl:

[FIREWALL]

The day he said " I Do " He meant " I'm Doomed "

[Digital_Trucker]

See signature for current feelings about marital relationships:DL

Edit : That's gonna look kinda odd next week when I change the Carlin quote, so for future clarification:

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?George Carlin

[Jimbuna]

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


Absolutely priceless :rock:

:rotfl:

[Platapus]

Men and women think of marriage differently

The man is thinking of her, the alter, and the aisle.
The woman is thinking: aisle alter him

It is a phonetic joke.... and not a very good one at that. :oops:

However, Marriage is like a three ringed circus

First there is the engagement ring
Second there is the wedding ring
Finally there is the suffering

<rimshot>

[FIREWALL]

Getting married is like body building.

First you gotta start with a Dumbell. (yourself) :haha:

[antikristuseke]

The key to a happy marriage
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML1139cijVU

[Platapus]

A man is incomplete until he gets married


After that he is finished

[SUBMAN1]

How true all this is.

-S

[GoldenRivet]

In old times... sacrifices were made at the altar...

now weddings are held there.

things havnt changed much since the old times.

=========

to truly be happy in marriage you need to find a woman who...

1. ...is a good and willing cook

2. ...is wonderful at house keeping

3. ...is wealthy

4. ...will go out of her way to please you in the bed room

5. ...loves to give oral sex.

but most importantly - and i cannot stress this enough -you must make sure that none of those 5 women ever meet one another.

[UnderseaLcpl]

It's all well and good to make jokes, but one should be aware of the hazardous properties of women:

http://i122.photobucket.com/albums/o264/charlie143james/women.jpg

[bookworm_020]

:har::har::har::har::har:

I must show this to the wife.....:hmmm::hmmm::hmmm: On second thought!:doh::dead::dead::dead:

[Jimbuna]

http://imgcash3.imageshack.us/img152/9959/rollingaroundlaughingly2.gif

I see supermarkets are now offering a 'bag for life'.

The church has been doing that for centuries. It's called marriage.


While attending a marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising, isn't it?"


My friend recently got divorced from his wife. He told me, "marriage is like a prison."

I thought to myself, "That’s not true. At least in prison you get to have anal sex."


My wife and I know we had to make a few sacrifices for our marriage to work, but child protection services are starting to ask a lot of questions.

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."


At the mariage retreat, Ben and Mary are given a test. They have to write a sentence with the words 'love' and 'sex' in it.

Mary writes: "When two people are passionately and deeply in love and respect each other very much, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex."

Ben writes: "I love sex"

[AVGWarhawk]

Undersea:

Awesome:har:

Jim:

Bag for Life...awesome:har:

[AVGWarhawk]

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a
chair . . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'



The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home.'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death
with the chair.'

[AVGWarhawk]

Never Argue with a Woman


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with
the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.


The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongsidethe woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies,(thinking,"Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her..

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."


"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I
know you could Start
at any moment."


"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[UnderseaLcpl]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[Jimbuna]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh sh!t. It's started."

[AVGWarhawk]

That one is a classic Jim:up:

[Speedo]

:haha: Good one :D

[Platapus]

Marriage is a lot like taking a hot bath.

After you have been in it for a while, it is not so hot anymore

:)

[Jimbuna]

Marriage is a lot like taking a hot bath.

After you have been in it for a while, it is not so hot anymore

:)

But it sure wears the soap :03: