A message from John Cleese

[Linton]

New Year's Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python fame) to the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Sincerely,
John Cleese

[sonar732]

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

[trekchu]

Rule Britannia. :rotfl:

[August]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

[Subnuts]

He didn't write this.

[Rotary Crewman]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Bless.

I found this for you...http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/3784866/2/istockphoto_3784866_baby_dummy.jpg

[The WosMan]

Just to settle the aluminum/aluminium situation, in the US dictionary it is spelled "Aluminum" and it has 4 syllables. In the UK it is spelled "aluminium" and it has 5 syllables. Hence, both are correct.


In the UK and other countries using British spelling (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_and_British_English_spelling_differences) , only aluminium is used. In the United States, the spelling aluminium is largely unknown, and the spelling aluminum predominates.[26] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminium#_note-22)[27] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminium#_note-23) The Canadian Oxford Dictionary (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_Oxford_Dictionary) prefers aluminum, whereas the Australian Macquarie Dictionary (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macquarie_Dictionary) prefers aluminium. The spelling in virtually all other languages is analogous to the -ium ending.

[August]

I found this for you...

I'll remember that picture next time i hear some whining over U-571...

[Letum]

Just to settle the aluminum/aluminium situation, in the US dictionary it is spelled "Aluminum" and it has 4 syllables. In the UK it is spelled "aluminium" and it has 5 syllables. Hence, both are correct.

That just means you pronounce and spell it incorrectly. ;)

[mrbeast]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Ha ha but we won in 1812.....well kinda....! :arrgh!:













Ok so it was a bit of a stalemate.:roll:

[Stealth Hunter]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Indeed. Damn British. You should see how many think that they won World War II single-handed! Here's a few links to YouTube videos with dozens of comments like that:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx5VTJhmq5I

Here's an example:

Rubbish.

The USa sat back and hardly set anything during the battle of Britain.
If anything it was the British and her allies who saved the USA.
After pearl harbour the USA did nothing but surrender for 6 months. While the British and allies fought on against impossible odds on all sides of the globe.
The USA owe their lives to the British.
USa would still be fighting the Japs if Britain didn't start creating a nuclear weapon.

Another video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kR7HPQM0Jgg

WHAT! how the ---- dare you say we did nothing out there, we sent 400,000 more men to that fight then america! We got absouluty crushed in burma untill we turned things around just in time(we did that alot).

[Referring to the Pacific Theatre]

From that same video:

Dont forget us brits were there fighting alot longer and alot more really then the americans although they had the war speed up by more then likely another 4-5 years.


This next section comes from the website IMDB. The specific board is for the film "The Patriot". You need an account to view the board messages, but it's free. Here's a few examples of the posts made by British members (note that these are actual posts):


[From the thread "Britain Won the War of 1812"]

- Britain killed more men than they lost.

- Britain repulsed an attempted American invasion into Canada.

- Britain burned down a part of America's capital city.

- A British counter invasion into America forced the US to surrender and sign the Treaty of Ghent.


Therefore, Britain won the war of 1812.
Sorry America.


[From the thread "Great War Movie!" from the "Saving Private Ryan" film board]

I think, you didn´t watched many war movies. At least not the real good ones like "Paths of Glory", "All quiet on the Western Front" or Das Boot.
SPR is in large parts unrealistic.
It has the amazing landing scene and the sound effects. That´s it.
The rest suffers from bad story writing and Spielbergian US-sentimentalism.


[From the same thread]

SPR is a fall backwards into the movie making of the 1940´s.
Or better: Into the story writing of the 1940´s.
Ethnocentric?
Yes. After the huge US flag showed up in the beginning, I had no questions anymore....and the movie was from this point of time on like I´ve expected it.


On the same site, one British user claimed that the light bulb was a British invention as was the airplane! Don't make me laugh. I know not all the Brits are as arrogant as these people, but the majority that I've had discussions with actually believe that they could have won World War II alone, without Russia's help of the US' help. How the hell do they get these ideas in their heads?

I told one user, "Look, you're wrong on all accounts. The British needed the United States. They gave them supplies during the war and backed them on 85% of battles taking place in Europe. You're young, so here's what I want you to do: Go out and find the oldest British veteran from World War II that you can. Ask him about the United States' involvement in the war. Chances are, he'll give them a lot more credit than your thick skull can give out."

On that same board, I had 25 different users from Britain jump in and attack that post. They said that the United States NEVER gave Britain one thing during the Battle of Britain. They denied the existence of pilots such as Billy Fiske (however, I posted a link to a historical page on the man, and they then said that his campaign was largely exaggerated). They even had the audacity to claim that Britain had never lost a war/battle in the past (even after I explained to them what a disaster Kabul was in January of 1842).

As I said, I know not all of them are that way, but how can you become that arrogant as these particular people were?

[Kapitan_Phillips]

Nope, we couldn't have won WW2 without you, fair enough.

But before we came along, you guys were speaking cherokee :lol:

[The WosMan]

Woah woah. Come on guys, the brits are our best blokes. I have many brit friends and they all feel themselves to be closer to us Americans than to the rest of Europe. Save that energy for France. Don't take what a few idiots said and use it to set up the whole country. We have plenty of morons in this country that don't even know the name of their President or VP or anything else. The limey's are just breaking our bollocks.

[Subnuts]

Woah woah. Come on guys, the brits are our best blokes. I have many brit friends and they all feel themselves to be closer to us Americans than to the rest of Europe. Save that energy for France.

You mean the country that saved our asses during the Revolutionary War and currently has a Pro-American government in power?

[The WosMan]

No, it always fun taking pot shots at them though. I say we bailed them out far more times but you do have a point about Sarkozy.

[Letum]

Nope, we couldn't have won WW2 without you, fair enough.

But before we came along, you guys were speaking cherokee :lol:

Ha! the soviets could have won it with out England or America, even if it ment a retreat well beyond Moscow first.

[STEED]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Indeed. Damn British. You should see how many think that they won World War II single-handed!

Same thing can be said about you guys. :p

Any how the Eastern Front made the Western Front look like a side show in the terms of numbers.

[Biggles]

Am I the only one that takes this as it should be taken: like a joke, not an attack of the U.S. of A or it's people?

Relax mates, it's to give a laugh, I laughed reading this, and I think you should too.

[The WosMan]

I thought it was a joke. Didn't bother me....I stuck up for our brit allies.

[Kapitan_Phillips]

Am I the only one that takes this as it should be taken: like a joke, not an attack of the U.S. of A or it's people?

Relax mates, it's to give a laugh, I laughed reading this, and I think you should too.


Same here. And frankly, may our countries continue to be friends and allies :up:

[Stealth Hunter]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Indeed. Damn British. You should see how many think that they won World War II single-handed!

Same thing can be said about you guys. :p

Any how the Eastern Front made the Western Front look like a side show in the terms of numbers.

Actually, American schools teach students about every side that participated in the war, in detail. They don't just focus on the American point of view. What British schools teach... well, can't say I honestly know.

Either way, the thread links I posted have 95% of the American users on the defensive, not on the offensive. They simply stated that the British don't give the United States enough credit, and given some of the posts I've seen, I must agree.:yep: :roll:

[The WosMan]

All depends on how old you are in regard to what the schools teach you. The kids history books today are pretty lousy. The PC has been ratcheted up so much that the writers of the cirriculum don't think our children should learn about "a bunch of racist old white slave-owning men." This is why the younger kids don't understand anything of the american identity anymore and just how amazing the founding of this country was.

[mrbeast]

Stealth Hunter......this means war! And I'm going at it retro style.......as soon as 20,000 red coats plus assorted German mercenaries have sailed across the Atlantic (about a month?) were going to burn down the white house.....again! :p

You better get your Kentucky rifles cleaned your going to need em lads! :yep:

Seriously, though, my 1812 post was in jest.

However having said that, the Battle of Britain wasn't won off the back of US pilots flying for the RAF, the majority were British and Commonwealth (along with Poles, Czechs, Free French etc) though its stupid to say that US pilots made no contrubution to the battle. We needed as many pilots as we could get in summer 1940 to replace our losses and any adventurous Americans were warmly welcomed.

I believe that there was an early British pioneer of the light bulb plus a chap in the 19th century made a powered model aircraft in Britain, it actually ran off a tiny steam engine.

As others have said though this is a light hearted thread, just a bit of banter.

BTW I loved Saving Private Ryan:up:

[The WosMan]

HA. Hey if you want to replay those classic wars it will be possible to do on a PC soon. ttp://pc.ign.com/articles/815/815233p1.html (http://pc.ign.com/articles/815/815233p1.html)

Empire: Total War will include land and naval battles. Anyone familiar with the Total War series know how awesome these games are. I can't wait to play it.

[Stealth Hunter]

Stealth Hunter......this means war! And I'm going at it retro style.......as soon as 20,000 red coats plus assorted German mercenaries have sailed across the Atlantic (about a month?) were going to burn down the white house.....again! :p

You better get your Kentucky rifles cleaned your going to need em lads! :yep:

Seriously, though, my 1812 post was in jest.

However having said that, the Battle of Britain wasn't won off the back of US pilots flying for the RAF, the majority were British and Commonwealth (along with Poles, Czechs, Free French etc) though its stupid to say that US pilots made no contrubution to the battle. We needed as many pilots as we could get in summer 1940 to replace our losses and any adventurous Americans were warmly welcomed.

I believe that there was an early British pioneer of the light bulb plus a chap in the 19th century made a powered model aircraft in Britain, it actually ran off a tiny steam engine.

As others have said though this is a light hearted thread, just a bit of banter.

BTW I loved Saving Private Ryan:up:

As I said, I know not all the Brits are that way, but I just don't understand how 25 can band together and think the same thing.

[STEED]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

Indeed. Damn British. You should see how many think that they won World War II single-handed!

Same thing can be said about you guys. :p

Any how the Eastern Front made the Western Front look like a side show in the terms of numbers.

Actually, American schools teach students about every side that participated in the war, in detail. They don't just focus on the American point of view. What British schools teach... well, can't say I honestly know.

Either way, the thread links I posted have 95% of the American users on the defensive, not on the offensive. They simply stated that the British don't give the United States enough credit, and given some of the posts I've seen, I must agree.:yep: :roll:


Many moons ago in a previous job I worked with an American who claimed the Allies were a bunch of (Bleep) and America saved the world hands down. In fact he believed America only needed to drop four or five Atom bombs on Germany, job done. Just like to add he felt a good number should had been dropped on Russia as well.


In my day, at school, WW2 was not really well done. Weak and bland as I remember. No idea about today, but the PC crap we have to put up with well you never know. What ever the subject always best to have a good book or two to read. In my case shelfs full of WW2 books.

[stabiz]

That's like the sixth time that crap has been posted here. You limeys lost the war, get over it.

:rotfl:I guess this unintentionally funny response is some of the reason for a sixth posting.

[mrbeast]

HA. Hey if you want to replay those classic wars it will be possible to do on a PC soon. ttp://pc.ign.com/articles/815/815233p1.html (http://pc.ign.com/articles/815/815233p1.html)

Empire: Total War will include land and naval battles. Anyone familiar with the Total War series know how awesome these games are. I can't wait to play it.

Oh yeah been waiting for this to come out the Total War series are IMO the best strategy games ever produced for the PC.

[Biggles]

Am I the only one that takes this as it should be taken: like a joke, not an attack of the U.S. of A or it's people?

Relax mates, it's to give a laugh, I laughed reading this, and I think you should too.


Same here. And frankly, may our countries continue to be friends and allies :up:

Good to hear.

Now, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...(yes, a reference, and I bow to the one who can identify the movie and the scene!;) )

This is almost as silly as....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L57-vQvo34E&feature=related

[mrbeast]

Am I the only one that takes this as it should be taken: like a joke, not an attack of the U.S. of A or it's people?

Relax mates, it's to give a laugh, I laughed reading this, and I think you should too.


Same here. And frankly, may our countries continue to be friends and allies :up:

Good to hear.

Now, let's not bicker and argue about who killed who...(yes, a reference, and I bow to the one who can identify the movie and the scene!;) )

This is almost as silly as....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L57-vQvo34E&feature=related

The Movie is Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Scene 24, Interior Day. Sir Lancelot has just massacred the wedding guests at swamp castle, and the father of the groom now attempts to calm the situation, adopt Princes Lucky, and then marry her off to Sir Lancelot. Thus getting his hands on her huge tracts of land.

[Biggles]

Yep. Good man! :yep: :up: :rotfl: :()1:

[The WosMan]

HAHA, classic british humor. When I think of that I think of two fine gentlemen in a verbal spat that end their sentences with "Bully!"

This one always cracks me up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3WTelB4NAE

[FIREWALL]

Along with assumeing all the ASSETS you assume all the LIABILITIES :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[jumpy]

Wow, hehe some of you guys seem a bit up tight; perhaps a massage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_uuN5kuq74) would help? :lol:

[Torplexed]

Let's see. What sorta sappy sentimental slogan is enscribed on that funky structure straddling the Canuk border in this besodden state of mine? Hmmm. Children of a Common Mother. A DNA test is pending but it appears Britain is our mum. At least as long as the child support payments hold out. Be nice to Britain. Be nice to your mum.;)

http://www.andrewcusack.com/peacea1.jpg

[nikimcbee]

Stealth Hunter......this means war! And I'm going at it retro style.......as soon as 20,000 red coats plus assorted German mercenaries have sailed across the Atlantic (about a month?) were going to burn down the white house.....again! :p

You better get your Kentucky rifles cleaned your going to need em lads! :yep:

Seriously, though, my 1812 post was in jest.



As others have said though this is a light hearted thread, just a bit of banter.



Deal! War it is, I have a musket!:arrgh!: My Great(x5) grand pappy fought you guys at Breeds (Bunker) Hill. First Euro-subsim meeting...Cancelled! As a protest to your "Queen" (not Freddy) I propose we dump all Mr Bean DVDs in the Bay.

...wait, did you say you were going to disband Congress AND burn down the White House? Okay you can do that. As I only have 1/2 cup of gun powder left, I'm willing to concede the states of Kali-for-nia, Massachusetts, and Arkansas. But you can keep your health care system. We already have a football thread, and we don't need another.:arrgh!:

[nikimcbee]

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/4/41/NapoleonBike.jpg

We ride on!

[Stealth Hunter]

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/4/41/NapoleonBike.jpg

We ride on!

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g17/Sgt-Smithy/Funny%20Stuff/Svdl.jpg

[joea]

Bleedin' Anglo-saxons!! :rotfl:

[Fish]

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

Very well indeed. :rotfl:

[STEED]

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/4/41/NapoleonBike.jpg

We ride on!

Looks a bit touched up that painting. :hmm:

[Onkel Neal]

Just to settle the aluminum/aluminium situation, in the US dictionary it is spelled "Aluminum" and it has 4 syllables. In the UK it is spelled "aluminium" and it has 5 syllables. Hence, both are correct.

That just means you pronounce and spell it incorrectly. ;)

You should hear how I pronounce it :lol:

[Kapitan_Phillips]

Just to settle the aluminum/aluminium situation, in the US dictionary it is spelled "Aluminum" and it has 4 syllables. In the UK it is spelled "aluminium" and it has 5 syllables. Hence, both are correct.

That just means you pronounce and spell it incorrectly. ;)
You should hear how I pronounce it :lol:


"Training warheads?!" ;)

[Prof]

I told one user, "Look, you're wrong on all accounts. The British needed the United States. They gave them supplies during the war and backed them on 85% of battles taking place in Europe. You're young, so here's what I want you to do: Go out and find the oldest British veteran from World War II that you can. Ask him about the United States' involvement in the war. Chances are, he'll give them a lot more credit than you're thick skull can give out."You owe me a new irony meter...

[Stealth Hunter]

You owe me a new irony meter...

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you're a perfectionist at everything you do.:roll:

People make mistakes.

EDIT:

Mistake corrected. By the way:

http://mr.drum.machine.googlepages.com/grammarnazi.jpg

[Prof]

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that you're a perfectionist at everything you do.:roll: I do try.

People make mistakes.Of course they do. I usually ignore grammatical mistakes on forums, but when you're insulting someone else's intelligence, it's good to proof-read :)

EDIT:
Mistake corrected. By the way:
http://mr.drum.machine.googlepages.com/grammarnazi.jpgI'll take that as a compliment.

[Stealth Hunter]

I do try.

Bit below perfection, I'm afraid, as we all are.:D

Of course they do. I usually ignore grammatical mistakes on forums, but when you're insulting someone else's intelligence, it's good to proof-read :)

You missed a period, by the way.;)

I'll take that as a compliment.

Then allow me to direct you to a forum where your perfection may be further practiced under stricter circumstances (not to mention where compliments run scarce to prevent cockiness in wit):

http://forums.facepunchstudios.com/

[Zayphod]

But before we came along, you guys were speaking cherokee :lol:

Istokmus wacipo, tuwayatunwanpi kinhan ista nisasapi kta. :know:

Sorry, that wasn't Cherokee, more like Dakota.

[Tchocky]

But before we came along, you guys were speaking cherokee :lol:
Istokmus wacipo, tuwayatunwanpi kinhan ista nisasapi kta. :know:

Sorry, that wasn't Cherokee, more like Dakota.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/national_language.jpg

[August]

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/uncyclopedia/images/4/41/NapoleonBike.jpg

We ride on!
Looks a bit touched up that painting. :hmm:

It also looks like Napoleon. :hmm:

[Stealth Hunter]

Naw, it can't be!

But... the rock... says Bonap- NO, it can't be. Just can't be.:nope: :rotfl: