Funny Quotes thread

[Kapitan_Phillips]

Anything someone has said seriously that cracks you up? Post it here?

“Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field.” - John Madden

[Platapus]

There I was no sh*t.

It was back in late 1999, I was attending a rather boring staff meeting with some very high ranking officers. We were discussing, as usual back then, the Y2K problem.

This O-8 actually asked at the meeting "well, what did we do last time this happened?"

The whole room came to a silent stun. Was he trying to be funny (in which we were all obligated to give a laugh)? Or not. If we laughed and he was serious this would be what we call in the Military a "bad thing".

He was not the type that was well known for his humour. No one laughed and he did not seem to be expecting any laughter.

[lesrae]

"I'm only shallow on the surface"

A very stoned mate of mine a few years ago.

[Ishmael]

"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning." ...unknown Clamper.

[Camaero]

Do movie quotes count? I just watched Operation Petticoat for the hundredth time so:

"We sunk a truck! Let's get the hell out of here!"

"It's like watching a strip tease. Don't ask how it's done, just enjoy what's coming off."

"When I was a kid, I was the victim of the most vicious propaganda. People told me that money wasn't everything and I believed it. Then I found out that the people that were telling me that money wasn't everything were the people who had a lot of money. Now there are two ways you can get money. You can steal it, or you can marry it."

"When a girl is under 21, she's protected by law. When she's over 65, she's protected by nature. Anywhere in between, she's fair game. Look out."

[The Avon Lady]

Almost anything Yogi Berra said (http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/yogiberra.html).

My favorite: "Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't go to yours."

[jumpy]

There are some real classics from British sports commentator, David Coleman, I shall give only one example here as his talent for talking balls is legendary and prolific:

"The game isn't over yet, but I thought the best team won."

and my current signature, courtesy of the great Clive James (I just love his understatedly dry sense of humour)

"Private enterprises like giant aircraft went badly enough, however, and almost always there came a time when the government had to support them with public funds, pending the day they could go into service and start losing money on a commercial basis."

I shan't bother with any Bushisms, we've most likely done them to death already, but if I was to pick a favourite it would be the onle where he goes on about 'fool me once shame on you...' and gets it completely wrong infront of so many people.

Anything that comes out of Tony Blairs' mouth is a joke already, so take yiour pick :roll:

[STEED]

Well last year I cracked everyone up with laughter when I made the comment. "If I wanted to see rubbish I would have gone to the city dump" it was a remark about the rubbish on TV.


Nikita Khrushchev

Berlin is the testicle of the West. When I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin.

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

[Kapitan_Phillips]

Another Madden classic:

"If your arm gets hit, the ball isnt going to go where you want it to"

[Sailor Steve]

"I've had a wonderful evening. This wasn't it."-Groucho Marx

[NEON DEON]

"Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me"

Mae West.

[geetrue]

Analictical people always seem to have the same problem ...
they're either right or wrong ... Author unknown

[Sailor Steve]

"Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me"

Mae West.
I've heard "banana" and I've heard "gun" (most references have "gun"), but I've never heard "roll of quarters". Where did you get that from?

[Sailor Steve]

These quotes aren't funny, and they're both quite famous, but I've just found out something fascinating-the origination of both.

"The bigger they come, the harder they fall."-This was first said by boxer Robert Fitzsimmmons in 1899, when a reporter asked him what he thought his chances were against James J. Jeffries. A funny side note to this is the old variant "The bigger they are, the harder they hit." It's funny because in this case it was true-Fitzsimmons lost.

"Bringing home the bacon"-Another famous boxer, Jack Johnson, became the first black heavyweight champion in 1910. His mother was interviewed by a reporter, and she said "He said he'd bring home the bacon, and the honey boy has gone and did it."

[U-533]

Use only 1 square of toilet paper per visit?


:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

[Sailor Steve]

:rotfl: :rotfl:

I thought that was directed at me, until I realized it was a quote!

And a good one!:up:

[NEON DEON]

"Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me"

Mae West.
I've heard "banana" and I've heard "gun" (most references have "gun"), but I've never heard "roll of quarters". Where did you get that from?

A few years back I was watching the television and they had a clip of Mae West.

That is what she said. Now, it could be my memory got it jumbled, or I could have it right. I know one thing tho. I dont remember the program I was watching when I heard it. :D

[Dowly]

"Remove the two pictures in that thread immediately, or they will be removed." - SubSim Moderator

:rotfl::D;):shifty::lol::rotfl:

[JSLTIGER]

Not to bring politics into the equation here, but these are just too funny.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"Dick, I'm 38 percent in the polls and you shot the only trial lawyer who supports me."

[Hitman]

I produly wear in my signature a quote from Oscar Wilde, and probably I could write here many of him which are really really good and caustic humour. Another of my favourite ones is a part of the Canterville Ghost story, when he is describing the wife of the american canned-food millionaire that buys the castle, praising her a to a certain extent and ending up with something like: "In all, a good example of how much we britians and the americans have in common, except the language, that is"
:rotfl:

Another of the classics is, of course, Groucho Marx, when he wrote to a high society club he had been made member of (Sailor Steve knows this one well, he even told me which club it was but I have forgotten it already:oops: ) saying "I must quit now. I can't belong to a club that accepts people like me" :rock: :rotfl:

Then the funniest situation I have seen in the court was during a divorce trial, and went on more or less like this:

(The woman's lawyer asks to the husband): "Confess that in your home all domestic tasks like washing, cleaning, cooking and such were done entirely by your wife"

"No! False! We did everything to a 50%!" (The furious husband replies)

"Can you please detail that?" (insists the wife's lawyer)

"Well" says the husband, now visibly embarassed "She did nothing, and I didn't either!"

I almost peed in my trousers when I heard that :rotfl:

[tycho102]

Anything someone has said seriously that cracks you up? Post it here?


"He ate p*ssy like a champ."
"He's thinking with the wrong head."
----- Gennifer Flowers

[Tchocky]

Wife: If I died, would you remarry?
Husband: Err...no of course not!
Wife: You don't enjoy marriage?
Husband: Yes I do....er...maybe I would remarry
Wife: Would you still live in this house?
Husband: I suppose so, it is a nice place to live.
Wife: Would she sleep in this bed?
Husband: I guess, its a good bed to sleep in
Wife: Would you play golf together, just like we do?
Husband: Well, that is when we have the best times together
Wife: Would she use my clubs?
Husband: Nah, she's left-handed.


Husband: Sh*t

[Kapitan_Phillips]

lmao :rotfl::rotfl:

[NefariousKoel]

Keeping with a nautical them, I'll start off with this one (as if I haven't posted it before):

Jay (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0582939/): What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian sh!t. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

As an added bonus I must add these others from the same, because cousin Walter is one funny bastard:

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
And yet another:
Brodie (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005134/): But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, *Snap* the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0641168/): Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005134/): Jesus Christ, man. There's just some things you don't talk about in public.

[Rilder]

Oscar Wilde always has good quotes...

“America is the first country to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the usual intervening period of civilization”
~ Oscar Wilde on America

[Sailor Steve]

Tchocky and Koel: are those actual quotes? The read more like jokes and TV lines.

Here's a favorite from Ben Franklin: "A fortress and a maidenhead are both lost, once they begin to negotiate."

[Tchocky]

My friend Hubert, when I was being a little too weird..

"Talking to you is like getting drunk with a crossword puzzle"

[NefariousKoel]

Tchocky and Koel: are those actual quotes? The read more like jokes and TV lines.

Here's a favorite from Ben Franklin: "A fortress and a maidenhead are both lost, once they begin to negotiate."

Yeah those were quotes from Mallrats that I posted.:lol:

[Tchocky]

My friend Tim - We have 1,436,735 goldfish because we threw two into our pond to see what would happen and now we have 6 generations of inbred fish.

[Rilder]

Couple from Oblivion..

"If it isn't the newest member of the family. Lets get one thing straight -- the Tenets prevent me from killing you. But I don't have to like you." - M'raaj-Dar (Dark Brotherhood)

"Oh I shouldn't... well all right. Gogron had a pet rabbit as a child! He petted the thing so hard he crushed its skull! Ha Ha Ha! What a brute!" -Telaendril (Referring to a dark brotherhood member)

"You know what they say -- home is were you hang your enemy's head" -Grogron Gro-Bolmog

"I don't know who the Night Mother is, but she pays me to kill people. My own mother should of loved me that much." -Grogron Gro-Bolmog

:rotfl:

[Sailor Steve]

A little detached from reality, are we?

[StdDev]

Winston Churchill on Clement Atlee:

"A sheep in sheeps clothing"

"An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out"

"A modest man who has much to be modest about"

Lady Astor to Churchill
"Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison"
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"

Churchill to Admiral Mountbatten
"What could you hope to achieve except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time"

[Sailor Steve]

Winston, huh? I'll see your Winston and raise you two:

"It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried."

On the other hand:

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter."

[Rilder]

An "On this day" quote from uncyclopedia:

"1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet. "


:rotfl:

[Etienne]

Deck officer: "Every department on this ship think they're the most important, like they're running the whole ship!"
Me: "Well, we (The deck department) also act that way sometimes...
Deck officer: "Yes, but we actually run this boat!"

[Mr Quatro]

It doesn't matter if someone else already posted your favorite quote ... this was brought up just to jog our memories anyway. You know that grey matter between our ears that stores stuff.:o


"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out." – Will Rogers (1879-1935)

[Jimbuna]

https://i.imgur.com/Zv9yMOV.jpg