The joke thread II

[Eichhörnchen]

[Eisenwurst]

Some schoolboys are talking about what they did on their school holidays.

"I got outside upstairs with big Janice". Says one.

The next kid says, "that's nothin'. I got inside upstairs with Betty Joe".

The last kid, thin, spotty, and really nerdy, says " ha ha I beat youse both. I got inside downstairs round the back with the Headmaster's wife."

"What???!!!! Bull____". His 2 mates say.

"No, it's true" he says. "She gave me sixpence to carry a bag of coal down to her basement coal cellar".

[Jimbuna]

John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.” “Wow!" said Bob, “how did you manage that?”
“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

[Jimbuna]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[Catfish]

"The time machine works! I just came back and killed Adolf Hitler!"
"Who?"

[Jimbuna]

John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca. He said, "Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?"
To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm.'"
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

[Jimbuna]

Wife: Had your Lunch??
Husband: Had your Lunch??
Wife: I am asking you??
Husband: I am asking you??
Wife: You Copying me??
Husband: You Copying me??
Wife: Lets go Shopping.
Husband: I had my Lunch.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

“It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

Nah, I tried that. It usually just turns out to the the first word in the next argument.

[Jimbuna]

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

[Jimbuna]

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"
God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
"God, how much is a million dollars?"
"To me, it's a penny."
"God, may I have a penny?"
"Wait a minute."

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

[mikesn9]

Chatting with the guys over lunch, one says:
"Sure, I had pigs in a blanket once, but the next morning, I sent the
in-laws Home."

[Jimbuna]

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

[Jimbuna]

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"