The joke thread - Page 505

Harvs · 04-14-15, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

BossMark · 04-15-15, 02:00 AM

America, Russia & the UK are planning a very special way of commemorating the 70th anniversary of the end of WW2 by starting WW3.

Jimbuna · 04-15-15, 06:36 AM

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to come over and see the modelling portfolio she did when she was 12.
I was round there in a flash.
Her 1:72 scale Spitfire was my favourite.

BossMark · 04-15-15, 10:53 AM

I know I shouldn't but I always want to compare the women I meet to my late wife.

Although they normally run out of the house screaming before I can get her out from under the floorboards.

BossMark · 04-16-15, 02:04 AM

My wife told me that the doctor said she'd be dead within a year if she didn't give up the whiskey and what did I think.

Well, I gave it to her straight.

Jimbuna · 04-16-15, 08:45 AM

Every 500m I climbed down Everest, I took a photo & sent it to my everyone in my address book.

I was arrested at the bottom for sending in descent images.

Jimbuna · 04-16-15, 09:07 AM

Don't you just hate it when you spend weeks writing your dissertation, then just before you hand it in Wikipedia copies it.

BossMark · 04-17-15, 01:53 AM

My girlfriend is a miserable git. Even after two weeks in the Bahamas!

Unbelievable! Worst welcome home ever!

Jimbuna · 04-17-15, 05:52 AM

All this argument about spending £100 million on replacing trident.

Given that we are short of money, why hasn't anyone thought of painting the old missiles instead?

Whilst we're at it. Let's not bother with HS2

Simply run another 2,000 volts through the existing cables and the trains will go faster.

BossMark · 04-17-15, 09:04 AM

My wife said she'd like another baby...

...I agreed, the one we have is bloody annoying!

Jimbuna · 04-17-15, 09:32 AM

- What do we want?

- More Acronyms

- When do we want them?

- ASAP

BossMark · 04-17-15, 01:40 PM

People are dying in rough seas to escape poverty and oppression in their own countries to get to Italy. An Italian immigration official commented,

"I never knew things were that bad in England. "

Catfish · 04-17-15, 02:28 PM

"Mr. Habsburg, Austria and Hungary have a soccer match today!"
"Against whom?"

BossMark · 04-18-15, 02:42 AM

My Nan's not well and I think my delay in responding could be the death of her.

She was having a stroke and I remembered that I needed to act FAST.

F = face. Her left side was drooping.
A = arms. She couldn't raise her left arm.
S = speech. Her speech was slurred.
T = I forgot this one, so I made some toast.

Jimbuna · 04-18-15, 08:35 AM

Unemployed is my middle name.

My Dad is useless at filling in forms.

04-15-15, 02:00 AM	#7562
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	America, Russia & the UK are planning a very special way of commemorating the 70th anniversary of the end of WW2 by starting WW3. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-15-15, 06:36 AM	#7563
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My girlfriend asked if I wanted to come over and see the modelling portfolio she did when she was 12. I was round there in a flash. Her 1:72 scale Spitfire was my favourite. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-15-15, 10:53 AM	#7564
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I know I shouldn't but I always want to compare the women I meet to my late wife. Although they normally run out of the house screaming before I can get her out from under the floorboards. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-16-15, 02:04 AM	#7565
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife told me that the doctor said she'd be dead within a year if she didn't give up the whiskey and what did I think. Well, I gave it to her straight. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-16-15, 08:45 AM	#7566
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Every 500m I climbed down Everest, I took a photo & sent it to my everyone in my address book. I was arrested at the bottom for sending in descent images. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-16-15, 09:07 AM	#7567
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Don't you just hate it when you spend weeks writing your dissertation, then just before you hand it in Wikipedia copies it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-17-15, 01:53 AM	#7568
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My girlfriend is a miserable git. Even after two weeks in the Bahamas! Unbelievable! Worst welcome home ever! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-17-15, 05:52 AM	#7569
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	All this argument about spending £100 million on replacing trident. Given that we are short of money, why hasn't anyone thought of painting the old missiles instead? Whilst we're at it. Let's not bother with HS2 Simply run another 2,000 volts through the existing cables and the trains will go faster. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-17-15, 09:04 AM	#7570
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My wife said she'd like another baby... ...I agreed, the one we have is bloody annoying! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-17-15, 09:32 AM	#7571
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	- What do we want? - More Acronyms - When do we want them? - ASAP __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-17-15, 01:40 PM	#7572
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	People are dying in rough seas to escape poverty and oppression in their own countries to get to Italy. An Italian immigration official commented, "I never knew things were that bad in England. " __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-17-15, 02:28 PM	#7573
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,897 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	"Mr. Habsburg, Austria and Hungary have a soccer match today!" "Against whom?" __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

04-18-15, 02:42 AM	#7574
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My Nan's not well and I think my delay in responding could be the death of her. She was having a stroke and I remembered that I needed to act FAST. F = face. Her left side was drooping. A = arms. She couldn't raise her left arm. S = speech. Her speech was slurred. T = I forgot this one, so I made some toast. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-18-15, 08:35 AM	#7575
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Unemployed is my middle name. My Dad is useless at filling in forms. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)