The joke thread

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Platapus

There are 10 kinds of people in the world

Those who understand Binary
Those who don't

Original version:

There are three kinds of people in the world - those who can count and those who can't.

[Jimbuna]

I went into this Chinese restaurant with a mate and we asked for the Duck.
20 minutes later the waiter comes up carrying a platter with a lid. I had a quick look and saw two eyes looking back at me.

"Look at this," I said to my mate. He had a quick look under the lid. "I can just see a pair of eyes," he replied.

I called the waiter over. "What the heck's this?"

"It's what you asked for. Number 63 - Peeking Duck."

[BossMark]

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[BossMark]

lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Sailor Steve]

Good one!




Actually good two!

[Jimbuna]

A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says "Open wide."
"I can't" replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."

[Sailor Steve]

I've told this one before, but:

Two young men are speeding down a small southern country road when they're pulled over by the county sheriff. As the sheriff walks up to the car the young driver rolls down his window. The sheriff immediately taps him upside the head with his nightstick. The kid grabs his head and yelps. "OW! What was that for? What did I do?"

"Well, son, it's like this. Back when my daddy was sheriff he would have hauled both your sorry backsides down to the jail, where you would have been beaten, tortured and abused. You finally would have escaped. One of you would have made it across the county line, the other would have died, taking several of our finest officers with him, and it all would have been made into a bad 'Movie Of The Week'. Just consider this to be part of our newer, kinder, gentler Sheriff's Department and my way of saying 'Please don't speed in my jurisdiction again'".

The kid quickly nods and says "Oh, I won't, officer, I promise! You'll never see me doing it again. In fact you'll never see me again, ever!"

The sheriff then walks around to the other side of the car and taps on the window. The kid in the passenger seat rolls the window down, and the sheriff tunks him with the nightstick too. "OW!", the kid yells. "What was that for? What did I do? I didn't do nothing!"

"I know", the sheriff smiles. "I just wanted to make your wish come true."

"Wish? What wish? I didn't wish for anything!"

"Oh, come on, son. You and I both know that two miles down the road you'd turn to your friend here and say "I wish he'd tried that $#!+ with me!"

[Jimbuna]

Sky News on the birth of David and Victoria Beckham's new daughter:

"Happy and healthy, she arrived at 7.55am this morning at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles and weighed 7lbs 10oz."

The weight of the baby is yet to be disclosed.

[andritsos]

here one that i'd been told:
~An eskimo man tells to a friend:
''One evening, I had sex with my girlfriend. The next day, she was 6 months pregnant''

[Lord_magerius]

I just caught a frog in my lawnmower. It was really messy and the squeal was something I'd never heard before in my life!

It was like "Non Monsieur!!" or something like that.

[BossMark]

Two men are playing golf.
In front of them are two women who are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through."
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around.
When he gets back his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?"
To this he replies, "Small world."

[Jimbuna]

Local police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who stabbed six people in the ar$e in the last 48 hours.

Police believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern!

[BossMark]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Jimbuna]

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the war."

[BossMark]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."