The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

[BossMark]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman

[Herr-Berbunch]

Don't join a dangerous cult...

Instead practice safe sect.

[Jimbuna]

Dating definitely gets harder the older you get.

Especially when you're married.

[BossMark]

A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all your sexual needs.''

''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?''

''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, any time you want, except for Wednesdays.''

''What happens on Wednesdays?''

''It's your turn in the barrel...''

[Sailor Steve]

I told that one at least five years ago, and I didn't copy and past it, I told it.

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

I told that one at least five years ago, and I didn't copy and past it, I told it.

Dint know it was that old



A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Dint know it was that old



A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day

Well you wouldn't.....being a Leeds supporter

[BossMark]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to Hell.
The Englishman wound up in a blazing furnace and The Scotsman was put in beside him burning away. The Irishman wound up in a big bedroom with a beautiful blonde film star in his arms. That's not fair,' said The Englishman and The Scotsman, 'rewarding him like that.' That's not The Irishman's reward,' said The Devil, 'that's her punishment.'

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Well you wouldn't.....being a Leeds supporter

[Jimbuna]

While walking through town this morning, some cheeky bugga asked me, "Sir, would you like to donate twenty pounds to save an endangered species."

I replied, "This is Liverpool mate. The twenty pound note is an endangered species."

[BossMark]

Father Brown was a man for the horses and attended every meeting at the local course. He got to know jockeys, trainers and officials and was a regular visitor to the 'business end' of the racing scene.
One day, whilst breezing round the training area he came upon trainer Murphy who was giving sugar lumps to the outsider.
'I hope that's not dope you're giving the poor beast?' said the priest jokingly.
'Indeed not, Father,' said Murphy.' Tis only sugar. Here, swallow a cube and I will as well.'
Satisfied, the priest wandered on as Murphy dialled a number on his mobile phone and said:
'Mick, it's all set. The horse has had the treatment and he'll go like the wind. In fact if anything passes it, it will be me or Father Brown!'

[Jimbuna]

I got a call from the hospital. My wife has been badly hurt in a car crash. I walked into the room and could see she was unconscious so I figured now was the best time to quiz the doctor. I called him to one side and asked "be honest with me doc, what are the chances ?" "not good" he replied "but your wife could still pull through" "nah doc" I replied "I mean what are my chances with that nurse over there"

[Fish]

[BossMark]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"