The joke thread - Page 55

Jimbuna · 10-25-11, 02:57 PM

My dog does a somersault everytime Man Utd score a goal.

Sometimes he does two somersaults, it depends how hard I kick him.

BossMark · 10-26-11, 12:49 AM

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it ?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

BossMark · 10-26-11, 05:22 AM

Q. What's the difference between Manchester United and a black cab?
A. A black cab only lets five in!

Jimbuna · 10-26-11, 12:00 PM

Howard Webb's kids have denied their Dad is a secret Man Utd fan.

"He is totally unbiased," Alex, George, Bobby, Matt and Cristiano stated.

BossMark · 10-26-11, 12:19 PM

It took most Man United fans over eight hours to get home on Sunday night.
The M6/M1 were bumper to bumper all the way back to London.

Jimbuna · 10-26-11, 12:24 PM

It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal.

BossMark · 10-26-11, 12:27 PM

The scene: Monday morning in the Ferguson household.
Mrs Fergie: " Get up, Alex! It's just gone 7!"
Fergie: " Oh, no! Have they scored again?"

BossMark · 10-26-11, 01:35 PM

Turkey hit by a 7.4 earthquake up to a thousand feared dead.
Manchester United hit by a 6.1 thrashing, millions cant stop laughing...

Jimbuna · 10-26-11, 03:36 PM

I hired a Thai prostitute once.

I got shafted.

BossMark · 10-27-11, 02:10 AM

How do you confuse Man Utd supporters?
Ask them the way to Manchester.

Jimbuna · 10-27-11, 11:03 AM

Average life xpectancy for a woman: 81.7 years

Average life expectancy for a man: 77.4 years

Typical. Most of them don't even like football and they get to see an extra World Cup.

BossMark · 10-27-11, 11:54 AM

Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says, "sorry about that mate, I"m trying to find my wife!"The second guy says, "yeah, me too mate."The first guy says, "maybe I can help, what does she look like?"The second guy answers, "she"s tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse. What does yours look like?"The first guy replies, "never mind her, let"s find yours!

Jimbuna · 10-27-11, 12:02 PM

"The doctor said i haven't got enough iron in my diet" said my wife

"I agree, here you can press this lot for a start" i replied handing her my shirts

BossMark · 10-28-11, 01:50 AM

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It"s gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It"s gonna start any second!""That"s it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don"t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don"t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh hell. It"s started."

BossMark · 10-28-11, 05:41 AM

A dog is truly a man"s best friend.
If you don"t believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

10-25-11, 02:57 PM	#811
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My dog does a somersault everytime Man Utd score a goal. Sometimes he does two somersaults, it depends how hard I kick him. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-26-11, 12:49 AM	#812
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it ? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-26-11, 05:22 AM	#813
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Q. What's the difference between Manchester United and a black cab? A. A black cab only lets five in! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-26-11, 12:00 PM	#814
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Howard Webb's kids have denied their Dad is a secret Man Utd fan. "He is totally unbiased," Alex, George, Bobby, Matt and Cristiano stated. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-26-11, 12:19 PM	#815
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	It took most Man United fans over eight hours to get home on Sunday night. The M6/M1 were bumper to bumper all the way back to London. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-26-11, 12:24 PM	#816
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-26-11, 12:27 PM	#817
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The scene: Monday morning in the Ferguson household. Mrs Fergie: " Get up, Alex! It's just gone 7!" Fergie: " Oh, no! Have they scored again?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-26-11, 01:35 PM	#818
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Turkey hit by a 7.4 earthquake up to a thousand feared dead. Manchester United hit by a 6.1 thrashing, millions cant stop laughing... __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-26-11, 03:36 PM	#819
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I hired a Thai prostitute once. I got shafted. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-27-11, 02:10 AM	#820
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	How do you confuse Man Utd supporters? Ask them the way to Manchester. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now Last edited by BossMark; 10-27-11 at 06:39 AM.

10-27-11, 11:03 AM	#821
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Average life xpectancy for a woman: 81.7 years Average life expectancy for a man: 77.4 years Typical. Most of them don't even like football and they get to see an extra World Cup. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-27-11, 11:54 AM	#822
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Two men are shopping in a supermarket when their trolleys collide. The first guy says, "sorry about that mate, I"m trying to find my wife!"The second guy says, "yeah, me too mate."The first guy says, "maybe I can help, what does she look like?"The second guy answers, "she"s tall, blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, great tits and a tight arse. What does yours look like?"The first guy replies, "never mind her, let"s find yours! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-27-11, 12:02 PM	#823
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,344 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"The doctor said i haven't got enough iron in my diet" said my wife "I agree, here you can press this lot for a start" i replied handing her my shirts __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-28-11, 01:50 AM	#824
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It"s gonna start!"This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It"s gonna start any second!""That"s it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don"t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don"t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"The husband sighed. "Oh hell. It"s started." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-28-11, 05:41 AM	#825
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A dog is truly a man"s best friend. If you don"t believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you? __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now