The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

[Jimbuna]

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.

The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.

“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.

The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”

“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.

The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.

“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.

“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

[Jimbuna]

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

[Jimbuna]

A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:

"Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

[Jimbuna]

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.

You don’t need make-up, Jane.

Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!

You need plastic surgery.

[Jimbuna]

My optician said he thinks I am colour blind, not sure if he is right, bit of a shock, it has come completely out of the green.

[Jimbuna]

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

[Jimbuna]

How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?

[Jimbuna]

Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"

Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"

[Jimbuna]

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that crap in their intestines?”

[Jimbuna]

Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!

NO Harold!

[Jimbuna]

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."

[Jimbuna]

Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”

[Jimbuna]

A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.”

The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denby, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.”

A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?”

Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”

[Jimbuna]

Astronaut's last words: OMG guys, who farted? I have to open the window.