The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.”
The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.”
The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”

[Jimbuna]

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?

Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.

Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause ... ] OK ... [huff ... puff] I have it. It says ... Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.

Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.

[Ciancell]

A man asks an agriculturist close to a field, "Too bad sir, OK mind in the event that I crossed your field as opposed to circumventing it? I need to get the 4:23 train." The agriculturist says, "Beyond any doubt, proceed. Furthermore, if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11

[Jimbuna]

I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”

My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store your contacts?”

[Jimbuna]

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'

[Jimbuna]

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s Teacher Man.

“I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.”

My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle.

[Jimbuna]

A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting.

"Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

[Aktungbby]

Ciancell!

[Jimbuna]

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged £20 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

I purchased a new desktop-publishing program that surprised me by containing a make-a-paper-airplane option. I decided to give it a try. After I selected the plane I wanted, the software gave me a choice of accessories available for my plane, including a stick-up tail, adjustable flaps and an AM/FM radio. Out of curiosity I chose the AM/FM radio.

The program responded with a message box stating: "Come on, be serious. These are just paper airplanes."

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were having lunch. Gates boasted of the innovations his company had made. "If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has, we'd all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 m.p.g."

"I suppose that's true," the GM exec agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"

[Jimbuna]

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."

[Jimbuna]

My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."